Mr. Butler Has A Fan In Greenpoint

November 30, 2007 by
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

When the opportunity presents itself I like to perform conduct anthropological experiments. These usually come to pass when I have something more pressing to do, like the cleaning the apartment. I performed one such bit of research last week when I was tidying the apartment in anticipation of my parents’ visit. The results were telling.

It started with this.

Dance of Anger

11:30 a.m.: After delivering my first salvo of stuff to the Salvation Army I spied this book sitting on the sidewalk outside my building. It is entitled The Dance of Anger, A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Possibilities of Intimate Relationships. I never knew any of my neighbors had trouble with the opposite sex. Maybe the book worked?

12:30 p.m.: When I returned from my second Salvation Army run I noticed the book was gone. An idea was hatched. There are, after all

more things in Miss Heather’s mind and apartment, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

I have always engendered a distrust of self help books, so I put together my own “care package” and left it in front of my building:

  1. A champagne bucket
  2. A biography of Jerry Butler
  3. A bottle of massage oil

1:30 p.m.: I made my third donation to the Salvation Army. When I arrived home one of my neighbors was holding the champagne bucket.

Raw Talent and Massage Oil

Me: I see you like my old champagne bucket?
Neighbor: Is that what it is?
Me: Yes.
Dude next door: See, she knew what it was! I bet you drink Dom Perignon every day, don’t you?
Me: Do I look like a Dom Perignon kind of person to you?
Neighbor: I was planning on storing cat food in it.

2:00 p.m.: As I was throwing away some recycling I noticed the bottle of massage oil had been moved. No one had taken the Butler book yet, but it was looking encouraging.

2:30 p.m.: When I left a VCR stand out front I noticed the book and the massage oil were gone.


My next door neighbor was also absent. I suspect someone in my neighborhood had a very interesting Thanksgiving this year.

The End.

Miss Heather


One Comment on Mr. Butler Has A Fan In Greenpoint

  1. rexlic on Fri, 30th Nov 2007 10:44 am
  2. To further refine your experiment, you should leave out a CD of the music of the original Jerry Butler, the great “Ice Man” who gave us so many greats soul hits in the ’60s and ’70s, and later served as a Cook County commissioner in his native Chi-town. ‘Course, if you did, the chance to score some classic tunage like “Make It Easy On Yourself” and “Only The Strong Survive” would probably see me burning rubber over the Pulaski from LIC, snatching it from the usually polka-mad R&B-craving (?) mitts of the locals.

    Next week: place a DVD copy of “300” on the sidewalk, and see how the work of Gerry Butler (alright, Gerard) as King Leonidas fares with the denizens of the Pernt.

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