The D Word

February 24, 2008 by
Filed under: Bed-Stuy, Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

(or Miss Heather’s Musings About The Art of the Insult)

Douche (doosh) n. (Fr. shower) 1. a. A stream of water or air applied to a bodily part or cavity for cleansing or medicinal purposes. 1. b. The application of a douche. 2. An instrument for applying a douche.

Bag (bag) n. 1. a. A usu. flexible container… *

Douche Bag (doosh bag) n. 1. A flexible container used to irrigate a woman’s vagina. 2. The insult of choice for the unimaginative.**

I recently confided my newfound hatred for this (oft employed by New York Shitty’s blogorati) epithet to a friend of mine. We despised this phrase, upon this we agreed. But the reasons for our respective distastes differed significantly. In his case, it was a matter of taste and decency. Unfettered by such concerns (after all this blog, New York Shitty, was founded on shit. Literally.) the issue (as far as my curiously eccentric world view is concerned) was one of creativity.

Sure, there was a time I invoked “douche bag”. Frequently. But once it became overused (and therefore rendered meaningless) I employed the extensive education my father provided me to come up with a replacement. Or more accurately (given Pa Heather’s predilection/gift for profanity) replacements.

  • Cock sucker
  • Dick head
  • Fuggin’ asshole
  • Homeless Boogeyman/men (courtesy of the Parks Department)
  • Pig fucker (my current favorite)

All the previous are staples in my anger arsenal. When under duress the offal that finds its way out of my mouth is much more colorful. Which brings me to the point of this post: can we exercise a little more imagination when it comes to putting down our fellow men (or women) online? Please? It’s not that hard. Follows are a few insults to get your creative juices going folks.

Exhibit A: Woodbine Street, Bushwick

Elijah Doesn’t Take Showers

Calling someone “gay” is not a well constructed insult but the lack of personal hygiene angle is compelling. The essential underpinning of a good insult is to point out an aspect of your adversary that is socially undesirable. Homosexuality does not (and should not) have the stigmatizing sting it used to. New York City is the great melting pot. And in this crucible of cultures, creeds, religions, races and yes, sexual orientations, there is one thing we all have in common: noses. People who do not shower, well, STINK.

Exhibit B: Woodbine Street, Bushwick

Elijah is a (shut your mouth)

Elijah (and his dear mother) are clearly objects of wrath on Woodbine Street.

Exhibit C: Bedford Stuyvesant

Pig Balls

Why bother blathering about incest? Sucking pig balls is much more provocative.

Still not convinced, douche bag devotees, that your affront of choice is yesterday’s news? Maybe the following anecdote will change your ways.

Hana Food

This is Hana Food Deli and Grocery. It is located at 534 Metropolitan Avenue, Williamsburg. 11211. I happened to be in the area (and very hungry) so I went inside in seek of kibble.

Douche Bag Sandwich

I always preferred my douche bag on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred. Just like James Bond. A douche bag with blue cheese dressing?!? That’s just plain gross.

PBR at Hana Food

But I suppose a douche bag tastes pretty damned good washed down with Pabst Blue Ribbon. $7.99 a twelve pack who can argue with that?

Miss Heather

P.S.: I ordered the “Sandy-wich” which was (simply put) a vegan BLT. It wasn’t bad. That said, these guys have NOTHING on the Franklin Corner Store in good ol’ Greenpoint. Andre, his son, partners and Oreo know how to make a sandwich.

*Websters II New Riverside University University Dictionary, 1984

**Miss Heather


7 Comments on The D Word

  1. al oof on Sun, 24th Feb 2008 7:54 pm
  2. i’ve never felt compelled to include ‘bag’ when calling someone a douche. i think the beauty of douche as an insult, and i feel like people use it this way without even totally realizing, is that a douche is something that at best is unnecessary, and at worst dangerous. i’m a big fan of using insults that actually have meaning, and aren’t just profane words, like cocksucker and motherfucker. that said, i say motherfucker a bunch! but also, cocksucker is pretty similar to calling someone ‘gay’ ain’t it?

    all that said, my current go to insults are assrag and cuntrag, which one i use depends on how quickly i’m thinking (ass comes out first a lot) and what i think the person is worth wiping off me.

    i’m also trying to get ‘lick my cuntrag’ into circulation over the more common “suck my dick” and “kiss my ass”.

  3. missheather on Mon, 25th Feb 2008 1:44 am
  4. “Lick my left infected cunt lip” got me ejected from a Wendy’s in Texas if it as any consolation.

  5. bitchcakes on Mon, 25th Feb 2008 7:38 am
  6. Ms Heather, I think that says “big balls” but I could be mistaken.

    I personally think bleu cheese dressing is simply vile. But something about a moldy creamy dressing on a sandwich with that title is pretty fantastically disgusting.

  7. rowan on Mon, 25th Feb 2008 10:35 am
  8. what an unappetizing name for a sandwich. whose brilliant idea was that? regarding insults, my current favorite is “asshat”, combined with any number of adjectives: “ugly”, “idiotic”, “moronic”, “skanky”…you get my drift.

  9. Bobby on Mon, 25th Feb 2008 11:17 am
  10. Although your point of view on this particular insult is certainly valid, the fact remains that some people just happen to be douche bags. Any other rubric would only be a misnomer and fail to honestly classify the individual. There are douche bags and there are assholes, just as a dweeb is a complete different animal from a wiener. I feel it is important to maintain these distinctions, even if we must suffer from sounding trite and unimaginative. However, certain friends of mine have recently begun to spice up this epithet with a slight variation: douche-fag.

  11. al oof on Mon, 25th Feb 2008 2:37 pm
  12. homophobia is spicy? or is it misogyny? i guess it depends on if you think it’s the sex with men that makes fags distasteful, or the effemininity.

  13. Bobby on Tue, 26th Feb 2008 12:34 pm
  14. Tellya the truth I have no idea. I know it rhymes and it’s different; for all I know it’s a cigarette to wash out your cooch with. I guess it could have just as easily been douche-slag, douche-nag, douche-crag, douche-freeze-tag, douche-drag-queen, douche-magazine, and on and on in endless wordplay. I’m gonna stick with good old-fashioned douche-bag: just like granma used to make.

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