New York Shitty Day Starter: The Word On The Street

October 14, 2009 ·
Filed under: Manhattan 

rahrah

The word on First Avenue (across the street from Stuyvesant Town) is “RAH RAH” is an asshole. He (or she) also appears to be from Queens. This is interesting given the “314” exchange hails from Brooklyn. Hmm…

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Ender: Miss Heather Does A Good Deed

October 14, 2009 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Bum Shit, Dung of the Day, Manhattan, Other Shit 

Today, dear readers, I did something I rarely do: go to the movies. This much-needed bit of recreation entailed me doing something else I do not do very often: going to Manhattan. Murray Hill, no less. (What can I say? I find Woody Harrelson brandishing firearms irresistible.)

Anyhoo, after deciding in favor of getting a little walking in I got off at the 1st Avenue stop of the L. As I proceeded further north I began to realize I was not in Greenpoint anymore. I felt uncomfortable. People were staring at me. Thankfully, at 24th Street I saw something that made me feel right at home.

pay phone

As you are all too aware I have a “thing” for pay phones. I cannot pass one without looking at it. The above example was no exception.

INCOMING

Incoming ordnance at twelve o’ clock!

damn

Crikey, Verizon took a direct hit!

After I took the above photograph a livery cab pulled up beside me and a 40-something gentleman made a bee line for this telephone.

Me: Dude!
40-something Gentleman: (picks up receiver)
ME: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!
40-sG: (turns around)
Me: Don’t use that pay phone! Someone took a shit on it!!!
40s-G: (slowly turns around and, after noticing that someone has indeed despoiled said pay phone, let’s it slide from his hand.)
Me: That’s why I was taking photographs of it. SOMEONE SHIT ON IT!
40s-G: Thank you! Thank you! (starts heading back to livery cab)
Me: No problem. Do me a favor, okay?
40s-G: What?
Me: Please wash your hands as soon as you can, okay? I mean, someone SHIT on that phone. God only knows what else is on there we can’t see.
40s-G: I will, thank you!

With that closing remark and the slam of a cab door he was on his way. And I was on mine. Which brings me to what I found two blocks later.

condomphone

Miss Heather

P.S.: I felt so good about my good deed today I decided to make a little detour and purchase myself a treat!

bodhiandtheboobs

That’s right, kids. Project: Boobification is back! Methinks I’ll name the left one “Bill” and the right one “Mike”!

New York Shitty Photo Du Jour: La Reina Celia!

October 2, 2009 ·
Filed under: Manhattan, New York City 

celia

From East 103 Street, Manhattan.

Miss Heather

Labor Day Photos Du Jour: Chanties

September 7, 2009 ·
Filed under: Manhattan, New York City 

Last night I knocked around the Brooklyn Daily Eagle archives for a nice, leftist, Greenpoint, Labor Day item to share today. I came up empty-handed. Luckily the Mister and went to Chelsea today in the pursuit of a very non-proletarian item: a business suit. Afterward we took a stroll down 6th Avenue.

wehaveaproblem

Methinks it was Lenin who once said something to the effect that there were two types of people: the ones for the revolution and the ones against the wall.

gimme

Here they are.

chepanties

I’m not too sure if these panties (Chanties?) are for women or men. I suppose it really doesn’t matter.

lingerie

The revolution is dead. Long live the revolution!

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Starter: Change You Can Believe In

August 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Manhattan 

Sanloco

Last night the Mister and I entertained a visiting friend in the East Village. One of the stops on our itinerary was the San Loco on Avenue A, as one of my best friends, Rachael, was scheduled to bar tend there. San Loco means “saint crazy” in Spanish; this is rather apropos given Rachael usually works the closing shift and as a result interfaces with— how should I say— the more eccentric elements to be found in the East Village. Whenever we meet up she always has a “goodie bag” of stuff she has collected and many a good story to tell.

This evening was no exception— what’s more I learned about a previously unknown candidate in the Mayoral race: Albert Duffy.

bloombergbombNYS

But he prefers to be called the “Bloomberg Bomb”. I think. It’s sort of hard to tell:

As your mayor, I will always protect my constituent’s like all like all N.Y.C. BOROUGH presidents, Council members and LAW MAKER’s. Who all have thier (sic) hands DEEP in my POCKETS. Me and my “bluBillion Dollar Blue Boys “own and control ALBANY and will continue to manipulate, ABUSE and DEMORALIZE every sector of society. Especially the personnel of the FDNY/NYPD. Call me a “Bloomberg BOMB”!…

On the other side of this flier (both of which can be seen in larger format by clicking on the the above or following image) is a tome entitled “If I Were Mayor of New York City”) which outlines Mr. Duffy’s/The New American Freedom Party Are all mentally ill’s platform for reform.

ifiweremayorNYS

My favorite passages are as follows:

We would organize a committee to amend the Constitution to reward anyone who gives back to our country by joining our military. We would guarantee that if anyone dedicates themselves for the safety and protection of our freedom, and becomes disabled, all their needs will be taken care of. Like free medical/hospitalization, employment training, job placement opportunities, adequate housing and free public transportation.

It would appear that this chap has not heard of the Veteran’s Association. Then again, maybe he has: it’s not like they have gotten much positive publicity of late. As for the matter of public transportation, our mayoral aspirant has some rather interesting ideas on that front:

We would organize a committee to design and construct a (free) Monorail System that will replace the old failing system that we presently depend upon.

And lastly, the coup de grâce:

We would organize a committee to amend smoker’s rights and designate smoking areas in all NYC Irish Pubs, Taverns and Restaurants. (Ed. Note: emphasis mine)  If you don’t like it? Go outside.

If this sounds like the kind of change you want to see in our fair city come November, dear readers, you should note that Mr. Duffy was thoughtful enough to provide a bank account number for interested donors at the end of his mission statement. The more eagle-eyed among you might have also noticed that this is “Part 1” of his xerographic campaign for mayor. This would suggest there will be a “Part 2” and maybe even a “Part 3”.

I can hardly wait.

Miss Heather

LAST GASP: Better Late Than Never

June 10, 2009 ·
Filed under: Manhattan, Queens 

dogwalkerorangegenius

When I saw this item via orangegenius I simply had to pass it along here on New York Shitty. This has nothing to do with me me being a romantic at heart; I’m not. I’m about as romantic as a turd in a swimming pool. But if anyone would ever bother to ask the turd in the swimming pool— not all the troublesome fellow bathers— if he (or she) was happy I’d wager he or she would enthusiastically answer:

Yes!

It is in the interest of some faceless, nameless person’s happiness (or at least a first date/one night stand) that I have elected to post the above missive. It hails from the Manhattan entrance of the pedestrian walkway of the 59th Street Bridge and reads as follows:

Dog Walker
Please come visit sometimes. I dream about you. I have a letter for you
-the Russian Girl.
P.S. I love you but I am very shy

Sadly this was written over a month ago (April 28)— but I say better late than never. Let’s make this love connection happen, people! Dog walkers need love too!!!

Miss Heather

The Metaphysics Of The 14th Street F Train

May 8, 2009 ·
Filed under: Manhattan 

vicious

I have made mention previously that among the many scenic points of interest the Heather clan visited this week was Chinatown. As is often the case with me and the Mister, how to get there became the source of heated discussion. He wanted to take the L to 6th Avenue and transfer to the F. I, on the other hand, wanted to transfer at Union Square and take the N, R, or Q. He argued that the F was closer to our destination. This is indeed true.

However, my husband’s eye for efficiency seems to be lacking a nose to match. I have and will take great pains to avoid the 6th Avenue L as I find it a bit too fragrant for comfort (and given that I live a short distance from a massive sewage treatment plant this is really saying something). I have been known to schlep many a city block to avoid this aromatic chamber of horrors. But to keep a long story short (READ: in the interest of family peace) I relented and we commenced our journey to Stinkyville. As the train pulled into the station my mother noted the overall tatty condition of the station. Follows is my reply:

You can rest assured it smells every bit as bad— if not worse— than it looks.

And stink it did. But this is not to suggest there aren’t business opportunities to be had there by those who possess a stack of post-it notes and a little marketing placement savvy.

escapeyourbody

Everyone wishes they could escape their body!

Or at the very least their nose— while waiting at the 14th Street stop of the F train.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Curb Your…

April 30, 2009 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage, Manhattan 

curbyourdick

This item hails from an unidentified location in Manhattan and was captured by Greenpoint’s very own Bitchcakes, who writes:

I saw this sign and thought of you…

Great find!

Speaking of things curbed, the upcoming week’s worth of offerings on New York Shitty will in all probability be lite. Today none other than Ma and Pa Heather will be honoring our fair city with a visit! Needless to say I will be very busy showing them all the local scenic points of interest (like the Shit Tits and the Newtown Creek Nature Walk!) but will take the time to post when the opportunity presents itself. Besides, sometimes even bloggers need a vacation! 😉

Miss Heather

UPDATE: 4th Annual Walk & Ride

January 2, 2009 ·
Filed under: Astoria, Brooklyn, Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Manhattan, Queens, Williamsburg 

As many of you are aware Ghost Bikes will be conducting their 4th Annual Walk & Ride this Sunday, January 4. It has been brought to my attention by the folks at Ghost Bikes that they are experiencing some problems with their web site. That said, they have been kind enough to forward me the schedule for this Sunday’s event. Here it is:

Bronx/Manhattan Ride
10:45-11:10 gather at White Plains Road and Allerton Ave.
Subway: 2 to Allerton
11:15 Michael Needham Barnes Ave. north of Allerton Ave.
12:30 Faustino Morales Truxton St. and Randall Ave.
1:20 meetup & break NW corner of Central Park at Frederick Douglass Circle
1:35 Unnamed Central Park West at West 110th St.
2:30 Alvaro Olsen West 36th St. and Broadway
3:15 Amelia Geocos East 49th St. and 1st Ave.

Queens/North Brooklyn Ride
12:00 – 12:15 Gather in Astoria Park at the east end of running track (Hoyt and 19th St.)
Subway: N to Astoria Blvd.
12:30 Arturo Flores 27th St. and 23rd Ave.
1:30 Asif Rahman Queens blvd. @ 55th Rd.
2:30 Sze Man (Josephine) Chan Manhattan and Montrose Aves. (this is whose bike graces the beginning of this post —Ed. Note)
3:15 Unnamed under N side of Williamsburg bridge, Brooklyn

Brooklyn Ride
1245-1:00 gather top of Sunset Park hill (6th Avenue between 41 & 44th Sts.)
Subway: R to 45th st.
1:15 Pedro Fernandez-Pacheco 54th St and 7th Ave.
2:15 Jonathan Millstein President St. and 8th Ave.
2:45 Alexander Toulouse Livingston and Boreum
3:30 Jian-Lan Zhang Hester and Allen Sts.

Pedestrian Memorial Walk
2:30-2:45 gather at Bowery and Canal St.
Subway: 6, J, M, Z, R, Q to Canal
2:50 Lai Ho Bowery and Canal St.
3:10 James Dong in front of 106 Bowery between Hester and Grand Sts.
3:40 Josephine LaPlaca Delancey at Allen St.

Convergence of Pedestrian Memorial Walk & Cyclist Memorial Ride
4:00 Rides/Walk convergence Delancey at Allen St.
4:30 Rasha Shamoon Delancey and the Bowery

Gathering of Cyclists, Pedestrians, Families and Friends
Subway: 6 to Astor Place
5:00 Memorial for Unknown Cyclists and Pedestrians  East 10th St. at 2nd Ave.
5:15-7:00 St. Marks Church 131 East 10th st at 2nd Ave.

For more information feel free to contact Ghost Bikes via email at info (at) ghostbikes (dot) org

Miss Heather

Semantics a la Sharpie Marker: A Little Holiday Cheer Courtesy Of Mott Street

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Manhattan 

Speaking as someone who was once in management and as such had the pleasure of drafting* and receiving many an assholic memorandum in my day, I have to say this is one of the finest specimens I have ever seen.

Sharpie marker + a piece of a plywood = ONE CLASSY OPERATION.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Miss Heather

*Regarding such delightful subjects as:

  1. Please refrain from stealing other people’s food from the office fridge.
  2. Please refrain from physically threatening people who steal your food from the office fridge.
  3. Please refrain from urinating and defecating on the floor of the men’s bathroom.
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