From The New York Shitty Inbox: A Question About The Murano

October 27, 2010 ·
Filed under: 11101, Long Island City, Long Island City Queens 

Actually it is more like an Op Ed. In any case it is WELL worth sharing! Em Two writes (in an email entitled A Quick Question):

Have you heard anything about the über-bright and hyper-tacky light on the Murano building in Long Island City (519 Borden Ave)?

This type of L.E.D. display appears to be an unfortunate trend that’s taking hold of developers in the area (there’s one in Greenpoint now as well) in order to grab people’s attention.   I find it is akin to the FOX news approach: any attention is good attention so the louder and dumber you are the more you will sell.  Inevitably a race to the bottom follows.

In any event, the building’s website states that “ A computerized system lights the lobby walls and exterior of Murano in a different hue every hour on the hour, transforming the all-glass building into a glowing, sculptural wonder. Surrounded by a serene water feature, the Murano is a beacon of light, heralding new life, limitless possibility, and inspired living to those who like to color outside the lines.

And to quote someone else, “that’s the sound of incredulous laughter being stifled.”

I’m afraid it is objectively not a sculptural wonder.  Moreover, a clock it is certainly not.  Instead, it changes every couple of minutes, sometimes rapidly, sometimes a little slower.  Or perhaps they are using the new Martian minute.  Most recently, it went into a scintillating series of optical seizures, displaying what can only be described as a stoned 14 year old playing with his “My First Strobe Light” kit and an Atari replica game bought from SkyMall.  That stopped, for whatever reason, after about 24 hours.

And yes, I understand that progress and development are inevitable. This is not the former.

Indeed, when trying to find out what the name of this building was, I simply typed “big stupid light on building in LIC” into Google.  Give it a try.

P.S. The Murano site also states:

The Murano [is] named after the famous Italian island known for its spectacular colored glass[.]

You can see some of that glass here:

http://blog.glassofvenice.com/2010/04/murano-glass-vases-by-venini-for-versace/

It is not this:

http://www.liqcity.com/real-estate/the-lightclock-cometh-lics-murano-condo-fires-up-the-technicolor

Love your blog!

To answer Em Two’s question: yes, I have heard of the Murano. In fact I have walked by this edifice on numerous occasions. Other than that I honestly do not know what to say. Em Two has pretty much said it all!

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Real Estate Advertising: Special Long Island City Edition

June 29, 2009 ·
Filed under: Long Island City, Queens, Recession 

As time has gone by I have taken a much kinder view of our friends across the creek. I do not want to suggest I like the rather substantial apartment buildings in Long Island City: I don’t. But their advertising strategies are a constant source of fascination and amusement to yours truly. Just like the Garden Spot of the Universe no location, however wretched, is unsuitable as a place of luxurious and commodious accommodations in 11101. With the previous in mind (and tongue firmly in cheek) I will share with you some of my latest finds. Enjoy!

vere

EXHIBIT A: The Vere Condominiums
Location: Jackson Avenue and Purves Street
New York Shitty Analysis: This is a testament to the sore lack of inventiveness to be found in the advertising industry nowadays— or the impact President Obama has made in our collective consciousness. Probably both. Nonetheless $350,000 is still too much for this location. Go to the end of Purves Street— preferably late at night— and you’ll see what I am talking about. Then again if your idea of “stimulus” is being reminded of your own mortality (preferably at the hands of someone lurking in the dark shadows of a ginormous vacant lot) this might be the place for you.

doubledecker

EXHIBIT B: THIS
Location: Borden Avenue and 5th Street
New York Shitty Analysis:

Me (to Mister Heather): What the fuck? It looks they stacked one building on top of  another!
Mister Heather: Yup.

murano1

Me: HOLY SHIT!

murano2

I guess they’re trying to suggest this place is about to be launched. It looks like it is exploding. The last time I saw something like this George W. Bush bombed Afghanistan. A lot of good that has done us.

I said.

To wit the Mister said:

Or the tenants just learned there is affordable housing on the top four floors and have set it on fire.

Me: NAH, the developer defaulted on a construction loan and is torching the place for the insurance money.

startower

EXHIBITS C-E: Star Tower
Location: 28-02 42nd Road
New York Shitty Analysis: The use of “star” is rapidly becoming a pet peeve of mine. If Michael Jackson’s death has been instructive to yours truly in any way it is that I do not want to be a star. If for no other reason because racking up six figure pharmaceutical bills is beyond my means. Come to think of it, they were beyond Mr. Jackson’s as well. I guess being a star isn’t what’s cracked up to be. But I digress.

Another pet peeve of mine is also manifest at this site: the virtual absence of real people in their renderings.

starpeeps

Behold the new face of Long Island City— and it does not appear to be a very happy one at that. This woman looks like she just sucked a lemon. Or knocked back a few meds with that glass of chardonnay. Not that I’m being judgmental; if I lived a stone’s throw from Queensboro Plaza I’d be practicing the art of self-medication too.

realpeople

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! Granted, this family unit probably does not reside in the Star Tower (I’m guessing they’re headed to the rather sizable piece of Detroit steel parked to the right). This is a shame as these are the kind of people I WANT as neighbors.

If any of the advertising wizards behind the Star Tower are reading this: after a woman reaches a certain point in her life (that being the business-end of her 30’s) images of svelte women on balconies cease to be selling tools. Quite to the contrary; it serves as a reminder that she (in this case me) is no longer a size “00”— and nothing short of an eating disorder or plastic surgery is going to change this reality.

Conversely, if you were to take the above family and Photoshop them into one of your balconies— ideally with “Joe Sixpack” knocking back a few brewskis with his buddies, watching “the game” via satellite dish (which is affixed to said balcony) while wearing a ball cap which reads “This is not a bald spot, it is a solar panel for a sex machine” I’d be all over your product like white trash on Rice-a-roni. Screw sex: Schadenfreude sells!

Which brings me to our last property.

teddyisathief

The site of a former “gentleman’s club” on 27th Street I like to call “Chez Teddy”.

CLOSED

scumbag

thiefandcoward

Alas poor Teddy, I never knew the him well but suspect he got a bum rap.

HOES

A bum scantily clad with a g-string, that is.

getnaked

Clearly someone thought he was a righteous dude.

forsale

In any case this property is not only available for sale but it is also conveniently located to transportation!

viewofunderpass

One need only look up to find it. Surely there is an entrepreneur out there with the vision and finances to give this prime location the make-over it deserves? I for one envision a tower built atop the original structure. Its name will the “The Infinity” and the stripper poles currently contained therein will be incorporated into a cutting edge fitness center. Women are paying top dollar to learn this kind of thing nowadays— what’s more, in this brave new economy it never hurts to pick up a few new job skills.

Now that’s a stimulus package I for one can get behind! Preferably with a phat wad of one dollar bills.

Miss Heather

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