Outed by Time Out New York

October 11, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51 

Wednesday was a very, very strange day for Miss Heather. Our apartment building was paid a visit by New York’s Bravest because one of my neighbors called 311 to report a strange smell. Since our buzzers are inoperative, I had the honor of ushering these gentleman around our humble domicile in a dirty tank top and boxer shorts.

As if the previous was not enough Chateau de Ghetto fun for one day, I also received a phone call from a bill collector trying to chase down one of my upstairs neighbors. Though I found this to be mildly annoying, it was hardly remarkable. No sir: fire trucks, foul odors and past-due bills are child’s play compared to what else this day had in store for me. This was the day, dear readers, I learned I am a lesbian. Or at least look like one.

It all started with a phone call from Beatrice of Casa Mon Amour:

There’s a picture of you in this week’s Time Out New York!

Me: WHAT?!?
Beatrice: They wrote up my restaurant and you are in the picture they used.
Me: Shit.

I quickly got off the phone and hunted down a copy of this periodical. I ended up having to walk south of Greenpoint Avenue to find it because all the magazine stands carry in my corner of the ‘hood are US, OK, a slew of Polish publications and even more porn. Who knew Big Black Butt had such a following here? I didn’t. Until today.

Upon discovering my much sought after mag, I shelled out three bucks and commenced to rifle through it like a madwoman. As I was waiting for a half pound bag of rice at The Garden, I found what I was looking for:


Fifty Dollar Date

There are two woman in the above photograph. I am one of them. The other one is the Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. We are both married; me to a man, her to a woman. If this is any indicator of the accuracy of Time Out New York‘s “gaydar” I would like to humbly suggest that it needs a little refining. My above-depicted companion agrees:

TONY tries to be so trendy featuring lesbians on a date. Unfortunately they haven’t updated their gaydar. I may actually write them a letter about it since the implication of the photo isn’t very good for a married member of the clergy.

Appearances aside, we both found the print publication of our “date” very amusing. In fact, the only thing I took issue with was being called a $50.00 date. I cost a lot more than fifty bucks. Just ask my husband (whose hand can been seen in the bottom left-hand corner of the above photo). Monetary considerations aside, my “date” thanked me for a memorable evening:

Even… a simple meal in a small neighborhood restaurant turns into a truck running into a building and a photo in TONY.

To wit I replied:

I try to entertain my guests, that’s just good manners.

I have emailed the above clipping to my parents, mother in law and sister in law. I have yet to get a reply from any of them. Who knew coming out would be so hard? Then again, you know what they say:

The family is always the last to know.

Or would that be me?

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 11:42 a.m.: I have heard back from my sister in law. She writes:

I just realized something. Your big coming out in TONY was just a day too soon. Today is National Coming Out Day. They were oh so close…

Damn. Oh well…



5 Comments on Outed by Time Out New York

  1. greenpointers on Thu, 11th Oct 2007 7:55 am
  2. Oh good God, this made my morning. ha!

  3. ickyinbrooklyn on Thu, 11th Oct 2007 8:36 am
  4. There are very few things that keep me giggling for several minutes … but this is one of them.

    I think they had a bit more of a story on their hands than they knew. That could have read, “… your favorite hottie, like Greenpoint’s own Dog Shit Queen, Miss Heather …”

  5. Rebecca11222 on Thu, 11th Oct 2007 8:53 am
  6. so ghey

  7. mother-in-law on Thu, 11th Oct 2007 10:35 am
  8. I wish I was as witty and up-to-date as my daughter. Her comment about being a day early was priceless. I also like the idea of “your favorite hottie…” Love it all

  9. missheather on Thu, 11th Oct 2007 11:58 am
  10. Yeah, I look really “HOT” with no make-up operating on (maybe) 6 hours sleep. S-E-X-Y

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