Poop in the Water

October 23, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 


Yesterday evening I discovered a costume contest we Greenpointers are (over) qualified to win. It is the S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party “Crappiest Costume Contest”. Here is an excerpt from the press announcement I received:

What’s scarier than poop in the water? Enter our Crappiest Costume Contest and find out! Come dressed as the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat on the East River or living in an NYC sewer.

The criteria clearly states “the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat” or “living” in the above locations. Less imaginative folk will probably dress up as a condom, pile of rubbish, nuclear waste, etc. I for one recommend taking a more esoteric approach. The following are a few examples which illustrate what I am getting at:

  1. Dick Cheney: This man is scary. The prospect of this chap inhabiting New York City’s sewer system (or the East River) is even more frightening— and appropriate. He is possibly the humanoid on earth who could survive down there. Hell, he’d probably feel right at home.
  2. Phil Spector: For pretty much same reasons as I listed for #1.
  3. Gary Glitter: Not only is he creepy looking like Phil Spector, he’s also a pedophile. I think he trolls our sewer system looking for underage C.H.U.D.s to “photograph”.
  4. Leona Helmsley: The Queen of Mean is dead… or is she? I think the noxious soup in our sewer system rejuvenated her. Now she walks the streets a zombie searching for her shit dog, assaulting hotel maids and stealing their tips.

As you can see, I possess a very vivid imagination. Most Greenpointers do, for that matter. The above suggestions are but a fraction of the glory we can achieve. For this reason I implore you to use the vast resources of your imagination, hop on the G train and show these people that we Garden Spotters know our shit.*

WHAT: S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party

WHEN: Sunday, October 28, from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

WHERE: Habana Outpost 757 Fulton Street (at South Portland St.)

Happy haunting!

Miss Heather

*Or you can leave your suggestion(s) for a costume in the comments section for all to enjoy. I’d love to see what you guys (and gals) dream up.


4 Comments on Poop in the Water

  1. Halden on Tue, 23rd Oct 2007 9:40 am
  2. Where did you think the VP’s undisclosed location was?

  3. missheather on Tue, 23rd Oct 2007 11:54 am
  4. You have a point there, Halden.

    Too bad he didn’t go to Gowanus. Maybe he would have caught the clap.

  5. Halden on Tue, 23rd Oct 2007 2:07 pm
  6. Where do you think the clap in the Gowanus came from…

  7. missheather on Tue, 23rd Oct 2007 2:19 pm
  8. I had thought about that but ruled it out. My logic was as follows:

    1. Dick Cheney never went to Viet Nam.
    2. The only way he’d get laid is if the other party was under EXTREME duress.
    3. Southeast Asia was (and in some cases IS) notorious for sex slavery and unsavory “floor shows”, including ones where live fish are used improperly.
    4. Therefore, Dick Cheney does not have the clap.

    On the other hand, maybe Dick and Gary Glitter have been hitting the party circuit? If so, you might have a point.

    Then again, I do not think the clap would survive within the confines of Mr. Cheney. Diseases only thrive in living creatures.

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