Et Tu, Mother?

November 20, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51 

Boning Knife

Before I go into today’s tome I would like to thank the fine folks at Fox Television and the New York Post for showcasing one of my recent finds yesterday. Yes, dear readers, you heard me right. You see, my parents are coming up soon and our apartment is in shambles. It’s downright disgusting, truth be told. One of the few times I will engage in housework is when I am seriously pissed. Since I am rarely in such a state, Chateau de Ghetto is usually dishevelled. Not anymore.

When my husband came home last night he noticed the hallway had been torn apart, swept and mopped and the bathroom got a going over that would make even Joan Crawford proud. He said:

What happened?

Me: The fucking Post stole my story and those fucking sneakers are going to be televised tonight on Fox News, that’s what!

Knowing full well of my predilection for rage-induced cleaning, he didn’t ask any more questions. Mr. Heather understood. He handed me a bottle of red wine and made himself scarce. My husband is a very wise man.

Anyway, I am back to my more or less usual beatific state today and want to kill two long overdue birds with one stone: writing the following post and letting my mother know that we picked up her package from the post office. Here we go.

My mother recently returned home from a trip to Sedona, Arizona. As is her habit, she called me to let me know she had arrived home safe and sound. Towards the end of our conversation she advised me that she had purchased something for Mr. Heather.

I just saw it and thought of Sam.

Make a note of this, dear readers, as it will become relevant later in the story.

Well, a week or so goes by and we get a notice from the Postal Service that a parcel was awaiting pick-up at the Post Office. Remembering what my mother had told me, I advised Mr. Heather this package was for him. Early Saturday afternoon he headed to the ever-delightful Greenpoint Post Office to pick it up. At 1:00 p.m. he arrives at the junk shop package in hand. It was a smallish thing, maybe 8″ by 4″ by 4″.

Wanting to know what was inside, he opened it right there while Larry da Junkman and I watched. It was the item featured at the beginning of this blog post, folks. A rather small, but nasty looking knife.

Larry: Why would your mother buy Mr. Heather a knife?
Mr. Heather: Yeah, what is this about?
Me: Beats the shit out of me. Ask my dad, maybe he’ll know.


Later, back at our manse of merde, I re-examined Mr. Heather’s new toy.

Me: So what do you use this for anyway?
Mr. Heather: I think it is a de-boning knife.
Me: Why would you need a de-boning knife? It’s not like you’re allowed to cook meat in the apartment. How do you use it?
Mr. Heather (grabbing my wrist): You see, you use it like this to cut the tendons…
Me: Stop that shit, you’re freaking me out! Do it on yourself.
Mr. Heather: Okay. As I was saying, you… (goes into a full mock demonstration on how to use the above instrument on himself).
Me: That’s more like it. Now I’m learning something.
Mr. Heather: What are you going to do with it?
Me: If you wake up late one night and see me standing over your side of the bed you’ll find out.
Mr. Heather: I wonder why she sent me this?
Me: I dunno. Did you tell her that you took a life insurance policy on me? Mr Heather: Actually, I did. I’m taking out another one too.
Me: That explains it.

Did I mention my parents are flying into New York City Thanksgiving Day?


Miss Heather

UPDATE, 11/21/07: Per my parents this instrument is used to remove skin from animals. They thought we could use it as a cheese knife. Yummy.

P.S.: No disrespect intended, mother. The reason we haven’t called to thank you is frankly because we do not know what to say. That said, thanks.


4 Comments on Et Tu, Mother?

  1. ickyinbrooklyn on Tue, 20th Nov 2007 12:43 pm
  2. Glad to hear you’re around a kicking … and perhaps glad you’re not in the lobby of the Post kicking people there. (Restraining orders can be such nasty things.) That’s one scary little mofo of a knife. Seriously.

  3. missheather on Tue, 20th Nov 2007 12:48 pm
  4. I’m doing quite well, thanks.

    What’s more, so are my blog stats. A lot of people have read that post, kiddo. I for one can only hope the author of that turd emails me some lame-ass excuse justifying what he did. Hopefully it’ll be a doozy like “it’s not plagiarism, it’s company policy”.

    Reading this, Rich Calder?

  5. rexlic on Tue, 20th Nov 2007 1:35 pm
  6. As I recall, the Times made it policy to keep its local reporters from perusing the good, sometimes great neighborhood and borough-wide newspapers after some cases of their clearly piggybacking on–or downright boosting–a story. The problem, of course, is that they now miss a lot of pertinent info and story ideas.

    The local news programs consist almost entirely of corporate p.r. pieces that the newsroom passes off as its own, pickings from the FDNY scanner and the police blotter, infotainment, sports and joshing with the “crazy” weather guy or gal. And every thing else is just brazenly lifted from the papers; Fox5, of course, takes “liberally” from the Post, despite the oxymoronic sound of that comment. In Miss H.’s case, it’s stealing from the best.

    As to the sawed-off ginzu knife: I know there’s a joke to be made here about a fishwife, I just can’t seem to nail it.

  7. SouthOfNYC on Thu, 6th Dec 2007 9:22 am
  8. I have a very delayed comment on the knife Mr Heather got. While I don’t know why *he* got this knife, it looks like the sort of knife used to field dress game, meaning a knife used to remove
    the guts/inards and sometimes the skin (a skinning knife) of an animal like a deer or a seal to me.

    A boning knife is *usually* long and slender, sort of like a fish/fileting knife.

    Not that expert in it… but if you peek at:

    A smiliar knife is described as “A small, rugged fixed blade knife, specifically designed
    for field dressing game.”

    …I think you will see what I mean. Did you ever find out *why* Mr Heather was “honored” with this knife? 🙂

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