Looking For Companionship?

July 30, 2008 by
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

I know the situation all too well. It’s summer and while all your friends are cavorting on the beach with their best gals you are all alone. Well cheer up guys, love always manifests itself in the strangest of places. And, well, if you can’t find Mrs. Right there’s always Miss Right For A Price.

Unfortunately I cannot help you, dear readers, with assistance regarding the previous. But rest assured I can most certainly help you locate the latter. Got your pencils ready? Let’s go!

Step 1. Hop into your minivan and drive down to Broadway between Hewes and Hooper Street.

Step 2. Park your car in the spot indicated by the red arrow at right. Note the presence of health clinic to your immediate right.

Step 3. Roll down your passenger side window and wait.

Step 4. If all goes according to a plan a five foot tall, 160 pound 40-something woman wearing nothing but yellow top (nightshirt?) pressed into service as a mini-dress will be sitting nearby with two grocery bags filled with stuff.

Step 5. Make eye contact with this woman.

Step 6. The woman will walk over to your minivan (whose passenger side window you have thoughtfully left open) and lift up her “dress” to show you her breasts. These are encased in a pink eyelet bra.

Step 7. You say no dice.

Step 8. Wishing to sweeten the deal, your new companion will pull up her “dress” once again to reveal a pair of brown mesh panties. She proceeds to pull these out so you can inspect the goods.

Step 9. You are on your own from here, kiddos! But be advised that a police station is located just around the corner.

Step 10. Be sure steps 1-9 are executed at 1:30 on a Monday afternoon.

Happy hunting!

Miss Heather

P.S.: I am not kidding. I actually saw this come to pass (in the plain view of several other pedestrians) last Monday afternoon. It was like a friggin’ flashback from Full Metal Jacket. If you’re wondering, the man in the van did not take her up on her offer.


2 Comments on Looking For Companionship?

  1. bitchcakes on Wed, 30th Jul 2008 1:04 pm
  2. First off, I made the mistake of reading this as I sat down to eat my lunch.

    But that’s truly unbelievable! I’m so glad you were there to capture this exchange. I would not have had the guts to witness it in its entirety.

  3. al oof on Sun, 3rd Aug 2008 2:22 am
  4. i remember watching Frankenhooker with my dad. there was a part where they show the plans for rebuilding his dead girlfriend and there’s a close up of hte drawing boob and i was like, “whoa” and then i got embarrassed and for some reason said, “i thought that was an eye” which was just a totally weird lie.

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