As a relative newcomer to Greenpoint I find myself in an interesting position. Most of the people who moved here before me are gone. They had children and/or can no longer afford to live here. On the other hand, there are still the old-time hoodie macs and their/my/our, new neighbors: affluent, obnoxious, drunk white people.
I have been “affluent”, “obnoxious”, “drunk” and “white” —but never at the same time. I exercise considerable restraint regarding my lack of restraint. To do otherwise would be rude and disrespectful. Like the chick I had the pleasure of insulting last weekend.
My husband and I were exiting the G train. That’s when a hoodie mac strapped a Durag on his head and commenced bellowing incoherently for everyone’s edification.
Me: What the fuck is that about? Were we riding the short bus or something?
Husband: The G train is the short bus.
Me: Yeah, but this is like the shortest of short buses. It carries people even the short bus won’t take. The shortest of short bus people.
Upon hearing the previous, said hoodie mac chimed in:
Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!
I was immediately won over. Who the fuck am I to judge a fellow short
bus train patron? We’re all ‘tards in the eyes of the MTA. Regardless of race, class, creed or sexual orientation. Apathy is equal opportunity when it comes to rapid transit in Greenpoint. Fortified with new found pride, I chanted “Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!” until we arrived at the corner bodega to buy milk.
When we walked in there was a couple attempting to buy three six packs of Budweiser. A suit man (A man. Wearing a suit. In Greenpoint. At 10:00 p.m.) and chick wearing tight pants.
They were giggling inanely.
They had “war paint” on their faces.
They were white.
They were drunk as hell.
They were Cherohonkees.
And we had the pleasure of waiting behind them. It was HELL.
The squaw attempted to pay for the beer, but the chief refused. He clumsily shoved the money back into her fist. She then saw fit to shove it into the rear pocket of his pants, copping a nice feel of his ass in the process. I got nauseous.
Me: Get a room, there’s a hotel just down the street!
Then it got worse. The rest of the “tribe” arrived. Two men in suits with ties and bimbos to match.
Then they commenced to beat their war painted faces and “Woo Woo Woo-ed” for the edification of their own egos and anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot. D.W. Griffith would have been proud.
I wasn’t. I just wanted to buy a quart of milk and go home.
Eventually my husband and I bought our milk. As we were leaving, one of the squaws tried to convince the shopkeeper that he needed to wear face paint. He politely declined.
That’s when I started chanting:
Short BUS! Short BUS! Short BUS!
Believe it or not, this hurt her feelings:
That’s not very nice!
No, it isn’t. But holding up the queue at a corner bodega with your alcohol/cocaine/self-important fueled bullshit isn’t very nice either, now is it?
In hindsight I realize I might have been wrong. They probably didn’t ride into Greenpoint on the steel horse that is the
short bus G train. They probably took the SICK BUS instead.
Future leaders of America, follow the arrows and get on the bus. The SICK BUS. Next stop: the presidency.
I came across the above sticker yesterday on Maspeth Avenue west of Olive Street. Amused, I took a photo of it. I had my suspicions as to what “Neuticles” were, so upon arriving home I immediately Googled it. They were exactly what I thought they would be (from neuticles.com):
Over 225,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering.
Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.
I spent an hour perusing this web site. I advise you, dear readers, to do the same. It is a comedy goldmine:
Neuticles are just plain neat!
I wonder when Rush saw fit to lavish this praise upon Neuticles? Was it before or after he got caught with that illicit bottle of Viagra? If he had followed his own advice and got himself some Neuticles Rush might not have found himself in the previous predicament. He also would have spared the American people a lot of pain and suffering thinking about his bloated sack of
pus hot air having sex.
Believe it or not, the “satisfied customers section” is even better:
I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen’t know he’s missing anything.
He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.
And my personal favorite:
Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.
Perhaps the previous pet owner should rename her canine companion Scroto Baggins? Just a thought.
Those of you who are interested in this product should be advised that the (s)experts at Neuticles have a vast assortment of nut bags for you to choose from. The budget conscious ball sack connoisseur can purchase the basic, no frills “Original” model, the more effete testicular snob can spend a little extra and get the “Ultraplus” model with Scargard.
Sizes range from XL, for pets weighing 110-190 pounds (in which case one nut will cost you $189 or you can get a pair for $269) to XS, for pets weighing 3-8 pounds (in which case one nutlet will set you back $59 or a pair can be had for a measly $94). What a bargain!
Cat owners, don’t despair: they have the perfect pair of balls for your pussy. All you need to do is grab that mouse, point and click! All major credit cards are accepted.
In closing, I have to confess that I have developed Neuticle envy while writing this post. Yesterday I walked to Artist & Craftsman Supply to buy some paper mache. Such is the real estate hoax of pimping Greenpoint as being an ‘artistic’ neighborhood: artists may reside here, but there are no longer any stores here to facilitate their (my, our) habit. North Brooklyn:
Be an artist or just look like one!
So off to East Williamsburg I went. And in so doing, I became the unwitting (and unwilling) object of affection for a number of
SHemen along the way. Hisses, whistles and yelling greeted me as I approached the BQE. As I recounted to a friend of mine later:
…my trek to the art supply store on Metropolitan Avenue and back was a gauntlet of hisses and whistles. One especially creepy guy beckoned for me to come over to his van (!!!) and talk to him. This was on Meeker (by the BQE), which made the situation even creepier. I am fucking 30-something years old. I am NOT going to walk over to some stranger’s van and to talk to him. Much less by the BQE. The previous scenario has “abducted and raped” written all over it.
Perhaps if I had a pair of Neuticles, the previous chap would have left me alone? I don’t want the “XS” model either. I want ‘em SO BIG I’ll need a handtruck to carry them. It would help my self esteem.
After noticing that 209 1/2 Eckford has been “modified” without the auspices of a permit (within 250 feet of a parked Department of Buildings vehicle, no less), I decided to swing by today and see if what I beheld last weekend was the product of immaculate construction*. It wasn’t.
When I took the above photo at 2:20 p.m. today it was raining men. HALLELUJAH!
Permit or not, I bet you could bounce a quarter off that ass. A-MEN!
Hands off Patricia, he’s mine. Hop into one of those hybrid DOBmobiles, drive up here and get your own. It would be nice if you would see fit to issue a few stop work orders while you’re at it, but this is only a suggestion.
*Props to the proprietor of the Gowanus Lounge for coining this term. It has become my new toy.
Filed under: Area 51
If this sign is any indication, the answer is yes!
The above photo only shows part of the enormous space “Tip Top Fabrics” will occupy. It certainly looks like they are in the final stretch preparation-wise and will soon be open for business. Given the number of Greenpointers (like myself) whose creative endeavors require textiles, a well-appointed local fabric retailer would be a godsend. B. E. Yarn is an okay place to buy notions, but let’s face facts: their selection of fabric is minuscule and HIDEOUS.
Yesterday I simply could not get that melange of monitors on McGuinness Boulevard off my mind. Not only did I make a trip to see how they’re
progressing disintegrating, but I also checked out a location notorious for monitor activity (television and computer alike): 210 Newel Street. I was not disappointed.
I have entitled the above photo “Monitor with Oatmeal”.
After mentioning the above find to my husband (who, being the I. T. professional he is, was certain to note how toxic the innards of monitors are) I had a revelation: smashing up monitors is to Greenpoint what baseball is to America. It is The Garden Spot’s Game.
To this end I am starting an online museum showcasing Greenpoint’s manifold mashed-up monitors. If you see a monitor on your block worthy of induction (the more fucked up, the better), please take a photo of it and/or note the address and email it to me at:
missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com
Founder and Curator
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Greenpoint, Brooklyn 11222
Yesterday evening I discovered a costume contest we Greenpointers are (over) qualified to win. It is the S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party “Crappiest Costume Contest”. Here is an excerpt from the press announcement I received:
What’s scarier than poop in the water? Enter our Crappiest Costume Contest and find out! Come dressed as the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat on the East River or living in an NYC sewer.
The criteria clearly states “the ickiest thing you can imagine finding afloat” or “living” in the above locations. Less imaginative folk will probably dress up as a condom, pile of rubbish, nuclear waste, etc. I for one recommend taking a more esoteric approach. The following are a few examples which illustrate what I am getting at:
- Dick Cheney: This man is scary. The prospect of this chap inhabiting New York City’s sewer system (or the East River) is even more frightening— and appropriate. He is possibly the humanoid on earth who could survive down there. Hell, he’d probably feel right at home.
- Phil Spector: For pretty much same reasons as I listed for #1.
- Gary Glitter: Not only is he creepy looking like Phil Spector, he’s also a pedophile. I think he trolls our sewer system looking for underage C.H.U.D.s to “photograph”.
- Leona Helmsley: The Queen of Mean is dead… or is she? I think the noxious soup in our sewer system rejuvenated her. Now she walks the streets a zombie searching for her shit dog, assaulting hotel maids and stealing their tips.
As you can see, I possess a very vivid imagination. Most Greenpointers do, for that matter. The above suggestions are but a fraction of the glory we can achieve. For this reason I implore you to use the vast resources of your imagination, hop on the G train and show these people that we Garden Spotters know our shit.*
WHAT: S.W.I.M. Coalition Halloween Party
WHEN: Sunday, October 28, from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.
WHERE: Habana Outpost 757 Fulton Street (at South Portland St.)
*Or you can leave your suggestion(s) for a costume in the comments section for all to enjoy. I’d love to see what you guys (and gals) dream up.
I took the above picture just over a year ago. Not only was I amused by what this person wrote, I agreed: Greenpoint does not need any more banks and yes, a movie theater would be an excellent addition to the neighborhood. What did we end up getting when all was said and done? Another god damned bank.
My sole consolation is the Bank of America (the site where the above photo was taken) and Citibank seem to be pretty popular places for the local homeless population to conduct their business— and by “business” I mean going to the bathroom and having sex. I would love to see the surveillance camera footage from these establishments. I bet it is hilarious, but I digress.
The perverse irony is Greenpoint once had six movies theaters. Yes, six. Here they
are were in order from south to north.
- Nassau Theatre (now The Princess Manor)
88 Nassau Avenue
- Winthrop Theater (demolished)
135 Driggs Avenue
- Meserole Theatre (
now Eckerd’s, I thinkRite Aid)
723 Manhattan Avenue
- RKO Greenpoint (demolished)
825 Manhattan Avenue
- American Theater (then Chopin Theater, now Starbucks)
910 Manhattan Avenue
- Midway Theater (demolished)
1059 Manhattan Avenue
The following story from the December 10, 1929 edition of the New York Times is about one of these establishments: the long gone RKO Greenpoint. Enjoy!
The above tale gives us a(nother) splendid reason for wanting a movie theater: they prevent crime. I see a letter campaign to the mayor coming around the corner folks!
It has come to my attention that “Scapee” the cat has, in keeping with her name, escaped.
I found the above flyer at Rodney Street and South First this weekend. Anyone who has seen Scapee should contact her custodians at the above telephone number. She is sorely missed.
Filed under: Area 51
In keeping with the Halloween season there are a slew of interesting events coming up this week. Follows are a few of them.
Spoonbill & Sugartown Booksellers will be hosting a reading of New York Calling Wednesday, October 24, at 7:00 p.m. Luc Sante (the author of the fantastic book Lowlife) is schedule to appear. I am making it a point to check this out, you should too.
Spoonbill & Sugartown
218 Bedford Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11211
Next up, political cartoonist David Rees (author/illustrator of Get Your War On) will be giving a presentation of his cartoons (including brand new, yet-to-be-published material!) at Word Books Friday, October 26, at 7:30 p.m. For more details check out Word’s web site or shoot them an email at info (at) wordbrooklyn (dot) com.
126 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Mexican wedding shirt enthusiasts (and the booze hounds who love them) will probably be more interested in attending Huizilli’s Grand Opening Preview/Cocktail Party the same evening (Friday, October 26). Festivities are set to start at 6:00 p.m. and conclude at 10:00 p.m. For more information, give them a call at (718) 701-3195 or (718) 687-2278. They have some seriously cool and crazy stuff. Check it out!
624 Metropolitan Avenue (Lorimer stop of the L)
Brooklyn, New York 11211
Saturday, October 27, The City Reliquary will be hosting its “Haunted Halloween Backyard Bash” from 6:00 – 10:00 p.m. Per their press release:
There will be a pumpkin carving contest!
There will be fun games with sugary prizes!
There will be homemade Halloween treats!
There will be IMPENDING DOOM in the Haunted Forest!
I think I’ll skip the “impending doom” part in favor of savoring the flavor of the aforementioned “homemade Halloween treats”. Those who are interested in entering the pumpkin carving contest need to their bring your own pumpkins and it should be noted the donning of costumes is encouraged.
The City Reliquary
370 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11211
Dapper dogs (and the owners who dress them) will be interested to know District Dog will be throwing a Halloween Party at the McGolrick Park dog run Sunday, October 26, starting at 1:00 p.m. A number of contests will be held, including: World’s Strongest Dog, Funniest Costume, Scariest Costume, Best Trick, and of course, Best Costume. They will even have a doggie agility course where your pup can strut his (or her) stuff!
142 Driggs Avenue
Brooklyn New York 11222
Lastly Lokal, Greenpoint’s first and only Mediterranean Bistro is open for business. Per the owner, they are currently offering a limited “opening” menu of foodstuffs. A full menu is slated to roll out the first week of November.
905 Lorimer St
Brooklyn, NY 11222
And, as Porky Pig frequently (and sagely) said:
That’s all folks!
Wishing to enjoy this weekend’s unseasonably warm weather, I decided to go for a walk. Uncharacteristically, my husband said he wanted to join me. I advised him that I was going to a bunch of places he didn’t care for (clothes shopping), but he insisted upon tagging along anyway. So off we went— with the usual detour or four so as to check out some of the more hideous development “projects” which pock my neighborhood.
I hadn’t checked in on 154 West Street in awhile, so we swung by to see how they were progressing. True to form, there was some kind of activity going on inside. Exactly what it was, I do not know.
As you can see, the Fedderization process is almost complete. I for one find the addition of faux period detailing charming, especially since it is not in proper proportion to the rest of the building. Sadly, the owner went with brown stucco. While in keeping with my prognostication that stucco will supplant vinyl siding in the Garden Spot, it would have been nice if he had opted for a different color. Pink, orange or mint green would have been nice. West Street has enough “brown” as is. Most of it resides on the sidewalk and is of canine origin.
Next, I spied a stray cat through a hole in the fence on the adjacent lot. I like cats, so I took a peek. That’s when I found this.
I have seen the workers jettison garbage onto this lot on more than one occasion. That said, I was still surprised by how much of it has accumulated. Too bad the entity owns the adjacent parcel of property appears to have abandoned it. There are few things I like more than watching two developers having a litigation slug-fest.
As my husband and I were preparing to depart, were heard a man shout:
You taking pictures of my building?
It was the owner of 154 West Street. He was not at all upset, if anything he seemed to be amused. This is sort of ironic given I found something very amusing about his building. It was the placement of the air conditioner boxes he saw fit to install.
Think about it for a minute: if this building is like many others in Greenpoint (and New York City), the lot for 154 West Street ends at the above wall. If this is true, those A/C boxes are on 150 West Street’s property. Wouldn’t be fun if the owner of 150 finally found the wherewithal to do something with this rather sizable and prime piece of real estate? If he (or she) did, his neighbor to the north would be a prime candidate for a triple Fedderdectomy.