Every Thursday it’s the same thing: dig through a pile of crap on the jewelry counter. Occasionally this entails finding a half-eaten hamburger or apple. Usually it involves digging through a pile of god only knows what to find only more crap. And porn. The pot of gold at the end of my proverbial rainbow this week was this.
The above item wasn’t laid out as nicely as depicted in the above photograph. It was all balled up. I picked it up, discerned what it was and quickly dropped it: a cock sock. I washed my hands, things got busy and I promptly forgot about it.
FRIDAY: I found my erstwhile sexual accessory in the dumpster. I protested and my buddy Frantz retrieved it for me. I had plans for this bad boy. BIG PLANS. The beauty of The Thing is its ugliness. Some call it ramshackle piles of junk, I prefer to call it opportunity.
Question: When is a filthy vase not a filthy vase?
Answer: When a cock sock has been attached to it. Then it becomes a cock sock holder.
Step Two: Accessories
Basic black is nice but accessories are really what pulls an ensemble together. Just ask the experts.
I call this one “I Dream of Jeannie”.
Those of you wanting a more masculine look might like this one. I call it “Davy Cockett”. I wonder if Sarah Palin has one of these bad boys on her mantle? I can only hope so!
While I am on the subject of my favorite person (one who makes Dan Quayle look William F. Buckley by comparison) I call this one “Abstinence”. This somehow left me feeling unsatisfied so (like Levi Johnston) I dug around some more. At last I had my “eureka” moment.
I call this arrangement “Moneyshot”. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d give it a “9″. Being the perfectionist I am I decided to kick it up a notch by leaving it next to Larry da’ Junkman’s lunch.
Real mavericks do not call themselves “Pitbulls with lipstick”. This rhetoric is that of “talkers” not doers. Not only do I “do” but I did.
Leave a cock sock assemblage.
Next to my (male) boss’s lunch.
For the fuck of it.
After rattling off this post in a pique of self-righteous (and very tired but nonetheless justified) rage I was pleasantly surprised by the attention it received. Not only did the fine folks at Curbed, Daily Intel and The New York Observer* link to this tome, but I got something even better: people asking me via comments and email what they can do to help the Greenpoint Reformed Church and its Soup Kitchen. My answer is twofold:
1. Organize a letter campaign/petition drive
2. Donate and volunteer.
The previous point will take some time to organize and implement. The latter can be done as easily as this (per the church’s newsletter):
Our church’s efforts to combat hunger in Greenpoint over the last eleven months have been a great success, but they have also shed light upon the tremendous need here in our community. Beginning this next Monday, October 6th we will be distributing sandwich bags to hungry Greenpointers on Manhattan Avenue between Greenpoint Avenue and McCarren Park.Â This is a joint venture with the two Lutheran churches in Greenpoint, St. John’s and Messiah.
Our church will prepare the sandwich bags at 12:30 p.m. on Sunday afternoons on the 3rd and 4th Sundays of the month and distribute the bags each Monday between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.Â If you are interested in helping please speak with Amil Gehrke or Pastor Jen or just show up on Sundays or Mondays.
We are also in need of additional help with the second shift at the soup kitchen.Â If you are able to help with clean up on Wednesdays from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 or 8pm, please stop by.
Greenpoint Reformed Church
136 Milton Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Phone: (718) 383-5941
Email: pastor (at) greenpointchurch (dot) org
*I will give you guys (and gals) a good-natured thump on the nose, tho: one crazy neighbor does not “public rancor” against a soup kitchen make. Milton Street has no bigger a public urination problem than anywhere else in Greenpoint (or New York City, for that matter)— not that I suppose that’s really saying anything.
Who says mom’s trip to the beauty parlor can’t be fun? This young gentleman (who I have dubbed “Roller Finger”) has the right attitude!
P.S.: Years ago I made the mistake of having my best friend from high school be my college roommate. Before our friendship went to hell in a hand basket (as a consequence) we’d do things together. Lighting “jumping jacks”, tossing them in the toilet and photographing the results was my favorite avocation; shopping at Victoria’s Secret was hers. “Mickey” took her femininity very seriously. I seriously couldn’t give a shit. Hellraising is much more fun. But I digress.
One day I found myself at a Victoria’s Secret store in some nameless, faceless mall in north Texas.
ASIDE: I find Frederick’s of Hollywood charming in a kitschy kind of way. At least they acknowledge the life blood of their business: sex. Victoria’s Secret by comparison is, well, VICTORIAN. Patrolled by Frau Bluckeresque saleswomen who’d probably beat you with a ruler if given half the chance.
But back to my story.
Nary a pasty, flavored lube or a pair of men’s “novelty underwear” (usually involving elephants or giraffes) was to be found that day. I had to find another avenue for entertainment. Interesting things happen when I get bored. In this case I decided to find the biggest bra they had in stock. Hilarity ensued.
Saleswoman: Excuse me, can I help you?
Miss Heather: No, I’m alright.
Salewoman: The bras “in your size” are over there (pointing to the “pirate’s delight”* section).
Miss Heather: I know. I just want to see the biggest boulder holder you have in stock.
She left me alone after that. I later told “Mickey” what I did. She didn’t think it was very funny.
Filed under: Williamsburg
SEE WALL ST.
Sarah Palin may not care too much for the east coast but someone on the east coast cares for her (business, anyway): The Edge.
Not only can Sarah watch Wall Street from her new swanktastic apartment, but she’ll be able to watch Poland. Greenpoint: AKA, “Little Poland”, that is. Maybe we could exchange recipe tips and stuff. That’d be nice.
Filed under: Williamsburg
Leave it up to the folks on Grand Street to create a genus of cacti I can’t kill!
Today I finally delivered my submission (an 8″ by 10″ print of the above image) to the Greenpoint 100 which is set to kick off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow. To refresh everyone’s memory, this is an annual fundraiser for the Greenpoint Branch of the Brooklyn Public Library; 100 people contribute art work which will in turn be sold for $25.00 a pop. Last year there were some absolutely breathtaking submissions. I have no doubt this year will be no different. Be sure to arrive early.
October 4, 2008 11:00 a.m. – 2:30 p.m.
Brooklyn Public Library
107 Norman Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222
They’ll also be conducting a bake sale. Yum!
Filed under: Area 51
David (the gentleman who brought this event to my attention) writes:
Brooklyn Royalty will be releasing a capsule collection of hand-screened Obama tees, as well as holding a silent auction to benefit Barack Obama’s campaign for President. At what other dance party can you register to vote, donate to the campaign and learn how to get more involved?
Very true. This isn’t your grandpa’s fundraiser!* Check it out!
Barack The Vote
21 7th Avenue South
New York, New York 10014
*That is best left to (ideological and actual) dinosaurs like Palin and McCain. Shuffleboard, anyone?
If so head down to the northwestern corner of Meserole and Manhattan Avenue. As of 4:15 p.m. today your free (still in the shrink wrap with accompanying VIDEO) ticket to Five Knuckle Shuffleville awaits!
But it’s in POLISH!
My English-speaking Greenpoint conrades protest.
We (women) all know you don’t really buy this periodical for the articles, gents. You’re not fooling anyone.
*Be advised they’re all March 2008.
Filed under: Bushwick
There is a fine line between love and hate in Bushwick and its name is Bushwick Avenue.
Looks like there are signs of life at this beautiful old storefront. What’s more I was delighted to see a man picking up his dog’s shit. While talking on a cell phone no less. That’s what I call “multi-tasking”!