Express Yourself!

February 14, 2009 by
Filed under: Area 51, Queens 


Earlier this week the Mister asked me what I want to do for Valentine’s Day. I told him (in all seriousness) I wanted to go bowling— and so we are. I have told my friends about this and they think it is hilarious. I, on the other hand, fail to see what the big deal is and therein lies the rub.

For wont of another way of putting it I am not the most warm, fuzzy and sentimental gal to be found. Sloppy protestations of love and bouquets of flowers— at the very best— will confuse me. More likely than not I’ll get very suspicious and think you trying to pull something over on me. That’s just the way I am and at this point I seriously doubt I am going to change. So be it. After a few misfires the Mister has learned this.

No mushy stuff necessary or cheesy cards, thanks. I not only don’t want ’em but I don’t need ’em: reading someone else’s billets doux is a hell of a lot more fun. Some of you might remember (and if you do are probably doing your utmost to forget) the recent cache of naughty foot fetish goodness I found at the junk shop a couple weeks ago. Well, I have some very good new (for me, anyway): now I have a some letters to go with them! Having trouble expressing yourself to your lady love this Valentine’s Day? Why not take a few tips from these guys? You’ll be certain to get her attention— and possibly a restraining order too!


V-Day Tip #1: Always make sure your letter is neat and legible.


V-Day Tip #2: Use the phrase ROYAL TOE JAM.

If you follow these directions you might get a doggy biscuit!


Remember the movie Sleepless In Seattle? God, I hated that film. Well, here’s its little known (and infinitely more fun) sequel. It is called Naked On My Knees In Queens.


After reading this a few questions come to mind:

  1. Why don’t I get mail like this?
  2. Why does every man who comes a courtin’ claim he is “very good looking”? God has made plenty of room in this world for dog shit ugly. Oh has he ever. Don’t believe me? Then I would like to humbly suggestion you take a long hard look at Aerosmith nowadays. Any questions?



I know at least one person out there reading this is a musician. Would you please start a bad (or at the very least write a song) called “White Trash Doormat”? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEZE.



Of course there is something to be said about just being upfront and to the point.

Miss Heather


One Comment on Express Yourself!

  1. bitchcakes on Sat, 14th Feb 2009 12:45 pm
  2. You know, just last night, out of the blue, that post about the awful feet popped into my head. Thanks for bringing it up again. As for these letters, WOW! Those surfaced at the junk shop too?

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