Dung of the Day

August 16, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

Boy people seem to be very, very angry today. In that spirit, I give you today’s Dung of the Day which is located at 214 McGuinness Boulevard (in front of the Key Food).

214 McGuinness

Of Camus and Crap

August 16, 2006 ·
Filed under: Crap Map, Dog Shit, Greenpoint Magic 

His Imperial Majesty, GW Bush II

Some of you who have looked at today’s New York Times might have read Maureen Dowd’s Op-Ed piece, “Camus Comes to Crawford”. The fact that Mr. Bush is trying to wrap his head around The Stranger is probably disturbing enough for most people, but my latest dog doo recon mission casts this development in an even more sinister light.

My route was as follows:

August 14, 2006 Route

Here are the Crap Stats.

August 14, 2006 Crap Stats

And here is a bar graph illustrating an unusual statistic I discovered.

Camus Chart

As you have probably noticed, the block that has a portrait of Albert Camus on it also has a significantly elevated amount of dog crap. It would appear that there is a certain level of attraction between Mr. Camus and dog shit. And if you have read Ms. Dowd’s column today, you can (via deductive reasoning) draw yet another conclusion…

Today’s Crap Map can be found here.

Miss Heather

Dung of the Day: 205 Huron St.

August 15, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

205 Huron St.

(priceless)

Dung of the Day

August 12, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

Boy have I been busy!

I have parsed through at least 100 pieces of dog shit this week. Seriously. I have two one Crap Map to construct (the one I just finished can be found here), a shitload of data to sort, and pie charts to create. At least I copped a wine rack, sleeping bag, and lamp from these jaunts as compensation for my efforts.

Despite my ‘shitigue’, I can muster enough just energy to post August 12, 2006’s the Dung of the Day.

I have long hoped for (but never found) dog shit in front of the 94th Precinct Station of the NYPD. I suspect the lack of dog shit there is due to the fact that New York’s Finest are always parked out front (and take smoke breaks there). But tonight I discovered some trampled dog shit across the street (at 88 Meserole Avenue). And for the time being, it will have to do.

88 Meserole Avenue

Otherwise, one gent in Sunset Park has seen fit to link to me on his blog. I am listed as “greenpoint dog shit queen”. I have no problem with this (his blog seems to be a good one) save the fact that I would prefer to be listed as “The Greenpoint dog shit queen”.

To do otherwise would imply that there are other pretenders to my throne and that is simply unacceptable.

Those of you who are familiar with the movie Pink Flamingos know all too well what transpired after Divine received a birthday present (via the USPS) from Connie and Raymond Marble. THE filthiest people alive, THE Greenpoint dog shit queen: in the scheme of things they or more less the same.

I love John Waters.

Mr. Waters, H.L. Mencken and the antics of Spiro Agnew are only the reason(s) why Maryland would/should exist as far as I am concerned.

God bless you, John Waters. Come to Greenpoint, you’ll love it. I’ll be your personal tour guide. Dog shit and all. (Just don’t expect me to eat it.)

Miss Heather

More Shit

August 10, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit, Dog Shit Signage, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic 

I had such a tremendous sense of release* creating the pie chart for this entry, that I set out on a(nother) reconnaisance mission this morning to gather enough data to create another one.

Here is today’s selected area…

August 10, 2006 Beat
and here is a statistical break-down of where I found dog shit.

81006 Crap Stats

Here is today’s “Dung of the Day”…

August 10, 2006

and this. (Words fail me, a picture works better.)

The Citadel

If a dog manages to volley a loaf into this fortification, he (or she) should get a medal, not a “$100 Fine”.

AND

If you have ever wondered (as I have) where talent-free trustifarian art students go after graduation (or when daddy’s money runs out) I found it today: the north-western corner of Greenpoint Avenue and McGuinness Boulevard.

Slipster's Paradise

And without further ado, here is today’s Crap Map!

Miss Heather

*A long time ago I was a “graphic designer” at a management consulting firm in midtown Manhattan. I created PowerPoint presentations for the early twenty-something Ivy League graduates which constituted 90% of the staff. This was a very unpleasant experience. My being the only female staffer who was not a receptionist, secretary, HR hack, or (insert position that entails fluffing the male ego here) put me in a rather tenuous position; when these 20-something-year-old shits with entitlement issues didn’t speak to me like I was mentally-retarded, they would try to pick me up.

It was hell and I got fired for having “an attitude problem”.

Dung of the Day

August 9, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

After spending about eight hours looking at (or writing about) dog shit, I was simply too tired to select the “Dung of the Day”. I have since narrowed it down to these two.

Representing Manhattan Avenue, we have this turd with some type of bone enticingly encased inside it.

Manhattan Ave.

Representing Eagle Street, we have a dog shit melange topped with a dead wasp.

Eagle St.

I simply cannot make up my mind which one I like better, so I am asking for your help.

Votes can be tendered via email at chicapoquita@yahoo.com.

Thanks!

Miss Heather

Shitfest 2006

August 8, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crap Map, Dog Shit 
After perusing August 7th’s Crap Map, I decided an inspection of the northwestern-most section of Greenpoint was in order. This area has long been under-represented on this blog and (in the interests of a fair and balanced Crap Map) I wanted to correct any irregularities.

The area I covered today is highlighted below. I omitted Eagle Street (between Manhattan Avenue and Franklin Street) because it has cleaned up. A lot.

Northwest Greenpoint

What started as a mission to gather data for a supplemental entry for one Crap Map ended up generating (more than) enough material for another one. I discovered FORTY ONE distinct and identifiable piles of dog shit. This is a conservative figure. I nixed the turds that were too degraded to photograph or were more likely to be of feline origin.

Here is a pie chart that gives a statistical breakdown as to where I found all this dog shit.

August 8, 2006 Crap Stats

Without further ado, I present today’s Crap Map.

Aggregate Crap Map

August 7, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crap Map, Dog Shit 

I am proud to present a crap map featuring all the dog shit I have documented in Greenpoint from 7/12/06 through 8/7/06.

Enjoy!

Yorkville Vs. Greenpoint = No Contest

August 5, 2006 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dog Shit Signage, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic 

My mother came to visit about three months ago. After one of our shopping jaunts in Manhattan, I took her to where my husband works: Rockefeller University.

Before I continue, I want to point out that there is a certain irony to be found by my (our) living in Greenpoint and my husband (the primary solitary breadwinner) working at Rockefeller University. John D. Rockefeller I is, after all, the reason there is a rather large oil spill under my community. Thankfully, we live in the more industrialized (READ: less desirable) part of the neighborhood. This area happens to be bereft of underground oil, the ‘nicer’ areas are the ones affected. (All our ‘pollution’ is above ground, if you know what I mean.) Nonetheless, my husband and I live off the largesse of Mr. Rockefeller. Life is funny that way.

I had mentioned to my mother that Yorkville is a pretty reasonable place to live (rent-wise) and she got very jazzed when she saw how nice the area is. This was when she asked (the inevitable question): would you and your husband consider living here for “the long-term“?

Me: No. We’re not ruling out future possibilities, but we are very happy in Greenpoint. Thanks.

Ben Franklin uttered something once about New Jersey being a valley of humility between two giants. The same can be said for Greenpoint, a working-class enclave nestled amongst three giants: Manhattan; Williamsburg, Brooklyn and Long Island City, Queens. Living in Greenpoint (and riding the G train) will make you humble. (And very angry— Ed. Note)

My mouth and attitude (both inherited from my dear old dad— a man so utterly uncool that he is on the cutting edge of ‘hip’) housed in my feeble female body were two major contributing factors to my seeking refuge in New York City. After 30-odd years of service in this mortal coil, knocking through Texas, New Mexico, California, and yes, New York City (Bronx, Queens and Brooklyn— in that order) I finally feel at home. I can flaunt my mastery of the “f” word (and all its numerous conjugations and subtle nuances) with total abandon in Greenpoint. Frequently, Loudly, and with a measure of appreciation/admiration/ affirmation from my peers. In an uncertain world, this very comforting indeed.

That said, why would/should I unfurl the solitary pearl that is my truly creative and innovative vulgar style of language before unappreciative swine? Swine, I add, who may very well call the police because they may (mis)take my joie de vivre (in its copious, robust and abject glory) a wee bit too seriously. No way Jose. They can have their side of the East River, I can have mine and we each can do as we see fit.

My latest trip to Yorkville July 31, 2006 netted my first example of Upper East Side dog shit signage. This can be found on the west side of York Avenue at 64th Street.

The Amy Vanderbilt of Dog Shit Signs

I am not one to let my two art degrees, indoctrination in semiotics (a hip art fad in the late 90’s), and draconian student loan payments go to waste. My critique is as follows:

Someone put time, money, but alas, too little thought into this. He/she went to the trouble of having the sign made professionally and the execution is nice. Too nice. The same can be said about the wording; this is the Amy Vanderbilt solution to a dog doo predicament if I have ever seen one.

The person who saw fit to have such a sign manufactured clearly thought (mistakenly) that slick presentation and polite chiding would move intransigent dog owners to “do the right thing”. If the sheer amount of dog shit I saw walking on York Avenue from 68th Street to 60th Street is any indication I’d say it ain’t working.

Rating: 4 (out of 10)

Now I present this gem found on Greenpoint Avenue between Franklin and West Street.

Sharpie Marker + Flat Surface = Effective Signage

This sign does not pertain to dog shit per se, but this does not diminish its relevance. What we have here is a solid, no-frills, no-nonsense sign. The metaphorical Honda Civic (or Yugo) of signage: direct, utilitarian and inexpensively executed (save perhaps the odd police citation for vandalism). This appeals to my plebian sensibilities. I like it.

Speaking as someone who is familiar with this person’s body of work, this is a pretty standard example:

  • Medium: Sharpie marker on (any) flat surface
  • Message: “Pick up your (insert word/s here)”*
  • Enlarged and inappropriately capitalized “k”s

Per the book Handwriting Analysis by Karen Amend and Mary S. Ruiz, this graphological eccentricity is characteristic of a person who is prone to “impulsive outbursts” and is “rebellious to authority figures and traditional values”.

The previous example is remarkable in one respect: lack of profanity. While I applaud the author’s use of restraint, the virtuostic mastery of foul language and threat(s) of physical violence are what make his/her oeuvre truly noteworthy. Regardless, there is a decided absence of litter (and dog shit) in front of this sign, so it must be working.

Rating: 7 (out of 10)

After writing all the previous pretentious and sophistic bullshit, I am worn out! I’m going to take a very hot shower to clean off the smarm. Before I do so, I will leave you with two “Dung(s) of the Day”: one is from Yorkville, the other is from Greenpoint. I am not going to bother indicating where each came from, as it is (painfully) obvious.

Dung of the Day #1

Dung of the Day #1

Dung of the Day #2

Dung of the Day #2

*Frequently closing with “Thanks” or “Thanks Asshole”

Up

July 27, 2006 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Mission Statement 

It Works

My new template is up and working, hooray! Now I have to sort through my backlog of drafts, edit and post them. In the meantime, I have made some additions here and have uploaded some photos to my Shop Cats page.

Stay tuned, as I have a very special interactive feature in the works about the objects my neighbor’s hyperactive children see fit to throw out the kitchen window. SPOILER/TEASER ALERT— the three essential “P’s” will be showcased therein: pennies, prophylactics and porn.

In the meantime, I leave you with today’s “Dung of the Day” from Franklin Street. I am usually a “size queen” when it comes to dog shit anything, but I find this turd noteworthy due to its uncanny resemblance to the paintbrush tool in PhotoShop. Enjoy!

Paintbrush Turd 222 Franklin St.

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