High Velocity Vomit Spatter

February 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Vomit 


After a pleasurable day trip last Saturday, my husband and I came home to find a new pool spatter of vomit on our landing. By all appearances it looks like the author of this puke leaned over the railing of the third or fourth floor and let it rip. Or at least this is what my Court T.V. viewing habits would lead me to believe.

This still blights my building as I write this post. And there it will remain until someone cleans it up. It sure as fuck isn’t gonna be me, I’ll tell you that much. I did my good deed two years ago. I had to; it was stinking up the entire second floor.

It was the morning of the Puerto Rican Day parade. It was already getting very balmy when my husband and I left the apartment at 11:00 a.m. When we arrived home two hours later (after running errands) our senses were assaulted by one of the most vile odors I have ever smelled in my life. I’m talking about the kind of stink that makes your eyes water. Bad.

Covering my mouth, I looked around the foyer of our building to find the source. This didn’t take long: someone had puked BEHIND the door leading to the stairwell. As shit-faced as this person was, he (or she) had the presence of mind to ‘hide’ it. I still chuckle at this stupid and futile gesture.

Naturally, I brought this to the attention of the Stupor— and he did what he does best: absolutely nothing. I finally broke down and cleaned it up one hour later. I suppose this was (is?) still better than giant puke monster that inhabits my floor now. At least that one was good for a laugh.

My neighbor in apartment #8 and I have a very good idea who is responsible for this (latest) incident. This is not a very difficult task given that there are only 8 occupied apartments in this building; once you rule out my floor and all the older married couples, only one apartment is left.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I have added this item to my “House of Pain“. If the latest building-wide scuttlebutt is true, I suspect there will be much, much more to come. So stay tuned. Word has it that apartment 6 has been rented out to an old Polish man who “reeks of alcohol”. Great.

Most Disgusting Cat. EVER.

January 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Vomit 

For those of you who have ever wondered how I can stomach chasing dog shit, I would like you to meet Frances.

Miss Frances

I have been the custodian of this cat for 13 years. She is arguably the filthiest feline I have ever encountered in my life. “But cats are supposed to be graceful and fastidious creatures?”, you ask. Not this one. I suppose she missed “Hygiene 101” during her ramblings as a stray kitten in rural Texas. Maybe she simply doesn’t care? Regardless of the cause, the effect is the same: a Texas-sized helping of fucking nasty.

The products to be found on her ‘business end’ would make Navy Seal beg for mercy. Her ass is best likened to a Sharpie Marker of SHIT. Have you ever seen a four foot long skidmark? I have. More than once. The “front end” isn’t much better: for a cat who clearly never cleans her butt, she has some foul-ass breath. She is also loud. Very loud. ETHEL MERMAN FIGHTING SHELLEY WINTERS OVER A TWINKIE LOUD.

Don’t get me wrong, readers, I love Miss Frances (AKA “Stinky”). Once you get past all the rough edges, she’s a cool cat. She’s gotten a little (more) cantankerous in her old age, but she is a very sweet and gentle animal. When I’m sick she will not leave my side. The fact that she has served our resident feline bully, Tortilla, his own ass on occasion doesn’t hurt either.

But “Stinky” (and her stinktastic ways) have been unusually prolific of late. At 3:00 a.m. this morning she pulled off a calamitous caper that undoubtedly will be THE distinguishing achievement in her career as one fucking gross cat…

My husband was snoring, so I slept with my head at the foot of the bed. This may strike many of you as being odd (it is), but I have learned that this is the most effacive means of handling this problem. On top of his snoring, my husband is one of the deepest sleepers I have ever met: punching him repeatedly in the ribs doesn’t WORK. He just grunts and goes right back to sawing logs. I lie there thinking to myself “god I hate you”.

THIS MORNING, 3:00 a.m.
I roll over and awaken to the sensation of COLD, MOIST fur against my foot. This was Frances’ ass; she had just used the litterbox. The copious ‘fleece’ that graces her butt often renders her unaware of having sopping wet ass. “Goddammit Frances!” I bellow and shoo her off the bed. My husband grunts and I try to go back to sleep.

Shortly thereafter Frances found her way back to the head of the bed. I became aware of this when I heard a sound not unlike a plunger dislodging a clog from a toilet: Miss Frances is going to barf. And she did. Twice. The first time I didn’t react fast enough and she spewed rancid cat food all over the bed, soaking the sheets and a pillow sham. I lunged forward, and in so doing, kicked my husband in the head. He kept on sleeping.


I realize taking the Lord’s name in vain is a big “no-no” in some circles, but at 3:15 a.m. it was the best epithet my sleep-deprived little brain could muster. I’m certain he’d understand.

I get Frances off the bed and she spews again. This time on a rug I had shampooed only a week ago. I wander into the kitchen to get some paper towels to clean it all up. At this point I didn’t even care if I got gack juice all over my hands; I am not sleeping in anyone else’s puke.

The way I see it, if I ever awaken in my own gastronomic by-products, well, that’s my own fucking fault. I will make the stoic trek to the laundromat and wash away my sins without complaint. The Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint has standards. They may not be lofty ones, but they are standards, nonetheless.

Upon completing this (UNWANTED, but necessary) task I went back to bed. My husband started murmuring questions about what happened. I ignored him. And after kicking him in the head a few more times, I finally fell asleep.

Miss Heather

Miscellaneous Chunks: Polski Gak

January 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Vomit 

Polski GACK

This morning my cup-o-coffee ritual was interrupted by a salvo of feline vomit that had to be experienced to be believed. One minute I am rubbing my eyes trying to wake up, the next I was running for cover. It was like something out of a bad war movie: INCOMING ORDNANCE! Ka-BOOM!

Our youngest cat, Bodhi, was standing on the counter top when he started to jerk violently. Then he made a face like this and I got the FUCK OUTTA Dodge. When I went back into the kitchen later it looked like “The Exorcist” had been filmed in there. How such a small cat could generate that much puke is both disquieting and amazing.

Shortly thereafter, a fire truck filled with New York’s Bravest pulled up in front of our apartment building. After hitting every goddamned buzzer this building has (and freaking out all the tenants contained therein, myself included), they figured out that the building across the street was the source of the problem. Perhaps if ‘management’ would to outlay the OUTRAGEOUS sum of 99 cents per numeric character (instead of Sharpie Marker) to label the front door of my building, this disturbing inconvenience could have been avoided. Fires freak people out here. BIG TIME. Especially after the Green Terminal Warehouse fire.

My day has been fucked up ever since. That said.

  • The results from my latest “fact-finding mission” will be posted by Monday.
  • I have (somewhat) organized my outgoing links. Among the newer additions are “Rev. Spyro’s Snakeoil Emporium” and (for the sake of shameless self-promotion) my online store: Chateau de Ghetto. The former features piquant (and hilarious) rants from the taller-half of my pal, Judy McGuire; the latter features an array of lovely (and NON dogshit-related) dry goods made by yours truly.
  • Even though I could not muster the proper attire (and chutzpah) to check out my man Clorox Borax Borixon last night, I did find this choice video on You Tube. Be it borscht, bling, booze, blunts or fine-ass bitches— Borixon has you covered. Enjoy!
  • For reasons one can only imagine, I have had to moderate a lot of comments recently. (For my little pissant blog, anyway.) Maybe I am on my way to becoming an Art Star/Dog Shit Czar(ina), who knows? What I do know is one commentor wrote something profound enough to merit mention.

The difference between walking dogs and working in an office: if the dog shits in the middle of the room, he doesn’t blame you.

Very true.

Miss Heather

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