From The New York Shitty Inbox: In Search of Greenpoint Kitsch

December 23, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

greenpointterminalTHUMBM writes:

Hey miss heather, just a quick question that you would probably have the answer to. I want to buy some greenpoint-branded clothing for the rents for christmas. where in the neighborhood might I find something like this? Cheers, keep it up.

Inasmuch as I know Greenpoint has been neither “branded” nor “commodified”, but I am certain I will be a facilitator when I give you this advice:

  1. T-shirts with the Greenpoint Terminal Warehouse can be had at Alter. If not available now, I’m sure the Alter Boys, Tommy and Roy, will accommodate your request. They’re great guys!
  2. Otherwise, I’d recommend the Polish American Bookstore for honest-to-god Polish goodness. Delightfully “ethnic”* items such as “Got Pierogi” t-shirts and beer steins, wine glasses and mugs replete with the Polish flag can be purchased there. The postcards are my personal favorite. Among them is one which reads “Greenpoint is O.K.” Classic. And at four for a $1.50 who can argue?

Polish American Bookstore
648 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Be sure to give Ellie a head scratch for me!

Miss Heather

*As in Polish, which in some part, I am. Along with Lithuanian, French, English, Swiss and a dash of Italian. But living in Greenpoint— which is probably not too far from where a number of my forebears settled into this country— has given me an appreciation of my roots, consonants and a sense of Polish pride!

Gift Giving Advice From The Editrix of New York Shitty

December 23, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

evagaborThe Mister, as are many others I have been told, has developed a fixation on the television show “Mad Men”.  He says it hails back to a time when “men were men”. I do not disagree with him. In fact, this is the fly in my proverbial ointment. Unlike a number of people, I do not view the “good ol’ days” as being that good.

I have zero interest in living in the past for the simple reason that history has been for the large part none too kind to women. For this reason, just as the Supreme Court created a “three prong test” in regards to obscenity, I have created a three prong litmus test of  livability. I call it “The Three P’s Test” . It is as follows:

  1. Penicillin
  2. Indoor plumbing
  3. and the Pill (READ: birth control) being readily available to any and all who may need/want it.

Anything else is, in my humble opinion, obscene. But I digress. The Mister has taken his Mad Men fixation to the next level, e.g.;

  1. wearing shirts with French cuffs
  2. carefully and with much consideration and deliberation purchasing cuff-links for the aforementioned shirts
  3. collecting old-school cocktailian gear
  4. cultivating a lion’s share of cardigans

His failed experiment with Brylcreem was certainly a setback. When the Mister asked me for my take on his dabbling with a little dab will do ya I replied:

Whenever I see Brylcreem I think of Ronald Reagan.

This was not the answer he was looking for. However cruel this retort may seem to you, dear readers, I assure it was much kinder than what I was thinking. If three years of marriage has taught me anything it is this:

  1. Don’t f*ck with the primary bread winner.
  2. Especially if he happens to get up earlier than you do.
  3. I live at the expense of the Chez Shitty welfare state (see points #1 and #2).

All things considered, I don’t mind the Mister going “Retro”. It appeals to his meticulous nature and love of order. It makes him happy. I think it is cute— provided it does not intrude upon my admittedly Laissez faire approach to life. In this respect we are polar opposites. My concept of “organization” (in his mind, anyway) is probably akin to how cabbies in Rome adhere to traffic laws: a madcap adventure with numerous twists and turns yet no one, miraculously, is hurt.

Inasmuch as this drive him crazy, the Mister has learned that attempts to be helpful in regards to my scatter-shot sense of organization, as well-intentioned as they may be (and they are), are futile. It only leads down a road of perdition fraught with frustration and large quantities of profanity. Case in point:

hkjewelrybox

On November 6, 2008 I wrote:

My husband espouses a very interesting approach to gift-giving. I learned this very early on when I received my first Christmas present from him:

a Hello Kitty jewelry box which plays “Everything Is Beautiful”. I did my best to conceal my disappointment. I failed miserably.

Mister Heather:

You’re always misplacing your jewelry, I thought this would be helpful.

I tried out of sheer guilt, dear readers, to use this item. It didn’t work out for two reasons:

  1. The Tupperware bowl I keep my cache of paste in works just fine.
  2. The aforementioned Tupperware bowl does not play an insipid song by Ray Stevens every fucking time I open it.

I really dislike Ray Stevens, folks. So you can imagine my dismay after willfully and deliberating leaving this jewelry box open (so as to run down the hand cranked music box) only to hear THAT RAGE-INDUCING SONG every damned time I opened it. I finally broke down and asked the Mister about it. Here’s his reply:

I noticed it was not playing music (when you open it) so I have been winding it up for you.

I took a deep breath, explained to him that I had let the music box on this item run down on purpose and requested that he please refrain from winding it. I felt like an ungrateful shitheel for doing this but I really couldn’t handle listening to that syrupy sweet song. It would have been like me giving him a humidor that cranks AC/DC whenever he opens it.

Nonetheless the Mister learned a very valuable lesson that year: trying to organize me is futile…

Years later I cannot part with this item. I never use it, but still I have a fondness for it. Be it due to guilt or sentimentality (I’m guessing the previous). It was a token of affection and I find the thought behind it— as misguided it may have been—  touching. Most importantly, the Mister has quit winding it. He has since observed that my disorganization leads me on many an adventure of discovery when foraging through my (disorganized) stuff:

Oh, I forgot I had this.

and

Gee, this is neat!

Every day is Christmas at Chez Shitty!

If there’s a lesson to be learned here it is this: don’t buy practical gifts for your significant others. Which brings me to this advertisement which undoubtedly was the brainchild of a Mad Men-esque forum. It comes from the November 1947 issue of Women’s Home Companion.

EASY

Can a Washer for Christmas say “I love you”?

“Joe” was doubtful, but “Sue” was certain:

But what a time I had selling Joe! He still thinks of me as a glamor girl. No. 1. How can a girl stay glamorous with three kids on her neck… unless she has a lot of help.

A “girl” with “three kids” is a woman. Methinks “Sue” had a lot of help— albeit of the pharmaceutical persuasion. The Mister can replicate the early 1960’s all he wants; I am firmly entrenched in the 21st century, thank you very much. Even if I cannot text message for shit.

This post is dedicated to Mister Heather— and not just for points 1-3.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I do not want this tome to discourage the ladies reading this from purchasing dishwashers and such sundries for their hubbies. As far as I’m concerned (with tongue firmly in cheek)  it’s their turn to take one for the team. Be sure to hang mistletoe over that Amana or Frigidaire to soften the blow!

P.S. #2: For those of you who are wondering, the lady who graces the beginning of this post is not yours truly. It is Eva Gabor of Green Acres and  “non-slapping of Police officers” renown. I’d have to win the Nobel Prize to tolerate being manicured in such a fashion. I am not a glamor girl. I do not cyber-schtup for $1,700  sofas. Repeatedly. Sweats, sunblock and shabby chic are my M.O. “Slob” is the new black!

New York Shitty Day Starter: Three Trees

December 23, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

three

From Lorimer Street.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Ender: Kuato Lives!

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Street Art 

kuato

If this item (which hails from Manhattan Avenue) is any indication, it appear that the reports of Kauto’s death have been greatly exaggerated!

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays!

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

por(even in it is a foster home) If there is one thing the whole, sad “Lucas affair” revealed it was that the guys at Pets on the Run have a lot of heart. oreoFor this reason I am very pleased to announce that while their beloved companion* may very well be gone forever, it didn’t stop these good fellas from opening up their store and their hearts to another wonderful feline in need of a good home. His name is Oreo and as you can see in the image to the right, he is rather found of rawhide sticks.

I have been told by Oreo’s new step-dad that he was not always the feisty, handsome, one year old meat-loving chap you see here. Apparently his owners were about to throw him on the streets when these guys got wind of it and took him in. It should also be noted that Oreo was also sporting a rather nasty cold and they have lovingly restored him back to good health. He has since shown his gratitude by meeting and greeting customers and providing a little in-store entertainment! Which brings me to the following footage I shot of this lad in action. Enjoy!

It is my understanding that Oreo will be up for adoption after he is neutered. I for one hope these guys elect to keep him. The Garden Spot of the Universe can never have too many shop cats!

Miss Heather

*Who is missed by many, including one little girl named Lucia who made this heart-wrenchingly sweet sympathy card which hangs over this establishment’s front door.

lucia

It reads:

I’m sorry Lucas got lost.

Williamsburg Street Art Du Jour: C215

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11211, Street Art, Williamsburg, Williamsburg Brooklyn 

c215

c215a

c215b

From Metropolitan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Photos Du Jour: C.S.I.

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

gtrain

DOA

It would appear that Santa and his little helpers have paid an early visit to the India Street entrance of the Church Avenue bound G train! I wonder what killed this little fella? If I had to hazard a guess I’d say it was the MTA’s proposed service cuts.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Special thanks go out to Rowan for tipping me off to this splendid bit of holiday cheer!

Reader Contribution Du Jour: Fence

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

FenceGPTLess

This stunning image comes courtesy of the i-Phone camera of Greenpointless. Beautiful shot!

Miss Heather

Quicklink: 100 Abandoned Houses

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

100thumbToday I imagine a fair number of you are busy readying yourselves for the trek home for the holidays. For those unfortunates who are chained to desk today I offer for your pre-Yuletide entertainment this nifty find which was brought to my attention by the proprietress of Mousey Brown Salon: 100 Abandoned Houses. This site features exactly what the title indicates: one hundred images of abandoned houses. A number of them are quite lovely, albeit in a poignant kind of way. Check it out!

Miss Heather

Tis The Season: The Nutcracker Suite

December 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

nutcracker

From Lorimer Street.

Miss Heather

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