Need a mattress? COME TO GREENPOINT!

Whenever I start running low on new subject matter to expound upon I go for a walk. I have spent much of the last two days pounding the Greenpoint pavement. And, as always, I did not come home disappointed. Perplexed or downright disturbed? Yes. But disappointed? Not in the least.

This is why I live in Greenpoint. It has long been my understanding that, as a lowly renter* with low class, the “A-list” Brooklyn neighborhoods are well beyond my reach. As I told my buddy Larry yesterday (after dealing with the “Pornophile”, AGAIN):

Not all of us have the stuff to land a porn queen, some of us have to settle for the fluffer.

“The Garden Spot of the Universe” always puts out. They can keep can keep their Park “Angelina Jolie” Slopes and Boerum “Lindsay Lohan” Hills. I like my neighborhoods like my women: delectably wrecked and HARD. Greenpoint is the Amy Winehouse of Brooklyn ‘nabes. This is why I love her so.

July 7, 2007

I was walking along Greenpoint Avenue when I happened upon one of the many languishing development sites my recently designated chic neighborhood has to offer: 189 Greenpoint Avenue.

189 Greenpoint Avenue

I go in for a closer look.

189 Greenpoint Avenue Detail

“Wow, that’s kind of gross.” I thought to myself. “I wonder if Jessica Simpson’s marital bed looked like this?” After chuckling at my own sordid imaginings I took the above photograph. Not thinking any more about it, I went home.

Today: July 8, 2007

As I am walking down Green Street I find another abandoned mattress.

141 Green Street Mattress

After taking a few photographs of the above mattress, box spring and shopping cart still life, a gentleman sunbathing next door (whilst reading a book entitled Great Artists) commented:

You’re the sixth person to photograph that mattress.

I told this chap he can expect one of those photographs to find its way onto the hallowed walls of MOMA or the Whitney and proceeded down the street where…

108 Green Street Mattress

I found this despoiled mattress just as a man was about to load it into his minivan. I asked him if I could photograph it before he took it. Not only did he oblige, but he propped it up for me so as to get a better angle.

On the one hand, I find this gentleman’s eagerness to take a not-so-gently used mattress home somewhat disturbing. On the other, it was uplifting to see Serta Sleeper Samsara in action.

If Instant Karma doesn’t get him, the bedbugs most certainly will.

Miss Heather

*I agree with a number of points Mr. Oder makes in this post. The New York Times article he critiques is bad. I’m not saying this because I am sore that I wasn’t mentioned in it either; when I read something as hagiographic and insipid as this turd is it makes me thank the heavens above my name is in no way attached to it.

The Brooklyn ‘blogosphere’, just like real life, has A-listers and fluffers. I know which one I am. Before I end this post (because my hand is tired and I need a glass of water— I wonder if that is how Gregory Beyer felt after writing Cracker Barrel Vial 2.0?) I will leave you with today’s Dung of the Day, which I like to call Greenpoint Casserole: Miss Heather Style.


Take one dead bird and one large pile of dog shit. Let them roast in the hot July sun until they smell like refried death. Garnish with a cigarette butt and it’s ready to eat.

Greenpoint Casserole

If this succulent dish makes you hungry, grab your knife and fork, run down to 1043 Manhattan Avenue and get your some!

Bon Apetit!


4 Comments on Need a mattress? COME TO GREENPOINT!

  1. Matthew on Sun, 8th Jul 2007 9:54 pm
  2. That article was a horrid waste of ink and paper. The times and other print-media’s obsession with blogs is out of control. Not that I don’t enjoy reading blogs; they are plenty entertaining, but a revolutionary new form of media? I think not. Especially some of the blogs they give a run-down of. Did a great job of inadvertently highlighting how self-satisfied all these bloggers are with themselves, though. The worst part of the article, were I too attempt to pick out of the plethora of slop, was the suggestion that Walt Whitman would be spending his time poking away at a blog; whether they were suggesting that Leaves of Grass is little more than someones neighborhood chronicle or that blogs are now elevated to such a level that they are now on par with one of the greatest literary works in American history, the crock that article was is overflowing with more shit than the streets of Greenpoint.

  3. lisanne on Mon, 9th Jul 2007 7:28 am
  4. I’m with both of you. One of my beefs is that I don’t “get” the real estate blogs at all, to me, they are almost like they are pimping for the sellers. I too am a “lowly renter” and probrably always will be and I feel a lot of these blogs do more harm than good. There is a blog that begins with a “K” that if you saw a cartoon of me reading it, i would be beet red with steam coming out of my ears….anyway don’t want to get too catty here, i used to have a zine and to me blogging is sort of an updated version of that culture but with way more people reading it…loved your last couple posts Miss. Heather (does the guy that you work for used to have a store off 4th Ave. in the E. Village?)

  5. missheather on Mon, 9th Jul 2007 7:30 am
  6. I got to tell you, Matt. I was really happy that Bed-Stuy Blog and BushwickBK (for example) got publicity. Really. They are both really nice and intelligent people (tho I have yet to meet Jeremy in person). One thing that angers me (among many, I assure you) is the portrait that is painted of them in this article. It is not very flattering. In fact, it does a great disservice to them both.

  7. missheather on Mon, 9th Jul 2007 7:47 am
  8. Lisanne,

    One of my beefs is that I don’t “get” the real estate blogs at all, to me, they are almost like they are pimping for the sellers. I too am a “lowly renter” and probrably always will be and I feel a lot of these blogs do more harm than good.

    What you are seeing in this article is NOT a fair representation of bloggers; this reporter was clearly a bit lazy. What’s more, a number of the bloggers that ARE featured in that article are not represented very accurately (as I indicated to Matt in the previous comment). On top of it, some of the information in that article is downright WRONG.

    I say this as the organizer of the next Brooklyn blogger meet-up. I pushed for Greenpoint (instead of WILLIAMSBURG, which was OTBKB’s rec.) to be a location, as the previous neighborhood is “under-blogged’, the latter is NOT.

    Thanks for the kind words. It’s always nice to start your week with something NICE in your inbox.

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