Greenpoint
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Culture on the Cheap
Crosstown Local Cavalcade Volume VII: Vice
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
In the last installment of Crosstown Local glory we learned what market demographic is interested in a reality television series about millionaire matchmakers: women brandishing rollers while waiting for the L train. Wishing to see if the same was true of roller-clad G train patrons, I carefully watched the “Millionaire Matchmaker” posters here in Greenpoint. Not only did I discover that my fellow G trainers eschew styling their hair while patronizing public transit, but also that these posters elicited very little interest.
The aforementioned findings presented me with yet another question:
Exactly what does the Crosstown Local ridership find compelling?
After expending considerable time and effort conducting research “in the field” I can give you, dear readers, a conclusive answer: sexual perversion.
Exhibit A: the Queens-bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue
I am certain most people are familiar with the middle poster: it raises awareness about shaken baby syndrome. Or does it?
The author of this annotated poster has a very interesting tale to tell. Here it is:
In a land far away, there lived a handsome little prince. On his birthday,
his fatheran alien gave him a magical skin flute. He told the prince that every time he played this flute he could magic…
Tales of alien seduction are not really my cup of tea. But that’s okay the good ol’ G has a little something for everybody.
Exhibit B: the Smith-9th bound platform at Metropolitan Avenue
(Once again) extra-terrestrials are invoked…
as is the threat of the whip. You know, if the movie E.T. took a few tips from this person it would have been a much more interesting movie. To me, anyway.
Speaking of E.T., have you ever wondered what happened to Elliot? No worries, someone on the Smith – 9th bound platform back at Greenpoint Avenue knows.
Ouch!
I suppose in today’s brave new world if the aliens don’t get you, eventually the pirates will.
Last, but hardly least, there’s always the Crosstown Local classic…
Ye olde open mouth paired with penis.
In closing, I would like to share another fascinating Greenpoint mass transit fact: our lascivious imaginings are not confined strictly to the subway. Bus stops (like this one for the B24 across from the sewage treatment plant) are also fair game.
Behold, the penis chicken!*
Miss Heather
*When I was in graduate school ten years ago I did a series of sculptures I called “dickheads”. At one point I converted my studio space into a barnyard. Populating this barnyard were approximately sixteen chickens and geese— but instead of beaks they sported dicks. Who knew sexualized fowl were part of Greenpoint’s collective conscious?
Pay Phone du Jour: Hanging On
I found this beauty on Greenpoint Avenue in Blissville, Queens yesterday. It is easily one of the finest examples of pay phone abuse I have ever seen. With one very notable exception, of course.
Greenpoint’s very own “Monologue Machine” will always be #1 in my book. Nobody— and I mean NOBODY— can bust up a pay phone like we Greenpointers can! Note the can of baby formula and bottle of beer. That’s what I call a balanced diet!
Miss Heather
Bushwick Photo du Jour: Bushwick Avenue
Filed under: Bushwick
While I usually deplore cheesy church signs, I have to applaud these folks for their creativity.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Greenpoint Avenue
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Nothing screams romance like a dozen roses and the eastern seaboard’s largest sewage treatment plant.
Miss Heather
Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: The Truth Garage
Filed under: Bed-Stuy
From Gates Avenue.
Miss Heather
Meet The Anthrax Family
Filed under: Bushwick
Remember the good old days when you could have anthrax delivered right to your doorstep? Ah, memories…
Miss Heather
Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: Bruce on Broadway
Filed under: Bed-Stuy
I have no idea whatsoever this organization does, but whatever it is I’m all for it!
Miss Heather
Intimation of Gentrification: Franklin Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
If anyone in the Garden Spot is in search of an acupuncturist, we have one.
Worksong
88 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Hours: Tuesday and Thursday 11:00 a.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Friday and Saturday 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.
Miss Heather
Take The Graham Avenue Challenge
Graham Avenue south of Montrose is rapidly becoming one of my favorite places to knock around. This shopping district is in my opinion one of the best experiences north Brooklyn has left to offer. Although presided over by the grim edifice that is Woodhull Hospital (which for some reason reminds of the Lars Von Trier mini-series, The Kingdom) the streets bustle with life. Some of the aforementioned activity is benign, some of it is nefarious but that’s what New York City is about, right? If I wanted to be in a sanitized environment I’d patronize an outlet mall in Jersey.
The shops along this strip hawk all manner and variety of dry goods the human mind can conceive. And in the case of one store, something which even confounds my admittedly fertile imagination.
When I first laid my eyes upon the above claim I was cynical. This is New York City after all. And in this— the best damned city in the world— I have seen a lot of strange stuff. What wares can this store possibly offer that set it apart from its peers?
The toys strike me as being rather pedestrian but I have to admit this Jesus necklace is pretty impressive.
But why would I outlay my hard-earned dough on just Jesus when I can purchase a pendant brandishing the Last Supper just down the street? I know a bargain when I see one: this is like getting thirteen Biblical figures for the price of one!
Okay, they have me on this one. Not only have I never seen an eighteen wheeler emblazoned with Scarface’s visage, I didn’t know a market for such an item existed. Wow.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint To The D.E.P.: Clean Up Your Act!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Yesterday after eating a minuscule grilled cheese sandwich (comprised of the remaining slivers of bread in our freezer) for breakfast I expressed to Mr. Heather the need for us to patronize the local grocery store. True to form, my simple request required some clarification:
What do we need?
He asked. Mister Heather asks a lot of questions. For this reason many (occasionally myself included) fancy him to be an asshole. This was one such occasion. After explaining to him at length what we required and pointing out the odd milk and orange juice run does not constitute grocery shopping I was met with this reply:
Oh, I thought you took care of that.
In Miss Heather’s life context pretty counts for everything. If I didn’t grade my existence on a bell curve I would have lost the will to live a long, LONG time ago. Taking the previous into account, let’s assess his statement:
- I had just eaten a pathetic excuse for breakfast because most of the foodstuffs in our refrigerator were rancid leftovers.
- “Take care of it”: I take care of a lot of things, but when I am hungry and our pantry is bare, I require a little assistance.
Long story made short, when we walked to the grocery store today I not only spied a car from the Department of Buildings parked on Manhattan Avenue (I know, I was as surprised as you) but also a motor vehicle from the Department of Environmental Protection in need of a good washing.
You know we live in desperate times when the citizenry of Greenpoint has to tell the Department of Environmental Protection to clean up.
To use the oft-used refrain of a colleague of mine… Pardon me for asking, but why does the Department of Buildings have hybrid cars at their disposal while the D.E.P.’s vehicles run solely on gasoline?
Miss Heather
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