From The New York Shitty Inbox: Canceled

April 14, 2010 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

Remember when I announced last month that the ribbon cutting of the Newtown Creek Visitors Center was at long last going to happen April 24, 2010? It would appear this is no longer the case:

I do not think I have to say this but I’m going say it anyway: I am not just disappointed— I am PISSED! Not only have I been busy making preparations for this auspicious occasion but as it would happen it was going to coincide with Ma Heather’s visit to our fair city. Who the hell wants to go to some over-priced snobitorium like MOMA when he (or she) can get an eyeful (and noseful) of art right here in the Garden Spot— with free food no less? I don’t.

Today as I was walking past our cutting edge waste treatment plant facility I wondered to myself:

Exactly WHAT are these people doing?

Then I looked up— and got my answer.

I demand satisfaction.

Miss Heather

Going Native: My Trip To The Nature Walk

I have a confession to make: I’ve been in the dumps lately. Methinks this is probably due to post-holiday malaise and winter doldrums. The short, cold days and long, even colder nights do not sit well with my outdoorsy constitution. For these reasons I have endeavored get away from the computer, focus more on my own artistic endeavors* and get out when the weather and opportunity presents itself.This post is dedicated to the destination of today’s foray: The Newtown Creek Nature Walk.

While not everyone’s idea of how to beat the wintertime blues, The Newtown Creek Nature Walk has proven (for yours truly, anyway) to be a very effective diversion from whatever is bothering me. Granted, I may not leave any less bothered than when I came in— but my mind will invariably be on something else. This time around was no exception.

This plaque (which can be found at Paidge Avenue and Provost Street) immediately piqued my interest. Of what “plant growth” bearing medicinal qualities do these people speak? I can think of a few species of plant life which would make this park popular beyond its creator’s wildest imagination. Not that the D.E.A. would take a fond view of them, mind you. But I digress.

As I proceeded towards the entrance the reason for the previous caveat become apparent.

A series of plaques have been erected educating the patrons of the Nature Walk as to what tree and/or bush they are looking at and its medicinal and/or culinary uses.

Speaking as someone who has actually met people who crab and fish off of Newtown Creek and the East River— and eat their catch— making these (in all likelihood) same suck f0lk aware that roasted acorns served with syrup are a “delicacy” strikes me as being an excruciatingly bad idea. If the previous folk have little regard for mercury and other heavy metals they cannot see and/or taste, I can assure you this diminutive tree is fair game.

Amusingly (and appropriately) enough, a significant amount of the foliage identified have purgative qualities.

Many of you are familiar with the structure in the background of this photo: they are the digester “eggs” for this waste treatment facility. They are better known to the locals as the “Shit Tits”. But did you know the tree in front of them is an elderberry tree?

Now you do! For the most part I was satisfied with my Nature Walk experience this afternoon. For. The. Most. Part.

The steps leading to Newtown Creek proper were quite frankly— and this is by Greenpoint standards— pretty darned gross.

Bird shit was in abundance.

A mammalian specimen was spied as well.

But what I found especially disturbing were the bones. I found many.

And then of course, there was the blood.

When I see stuff such as the previous it makes me wonder exactly how this park is being utilized. Is the citizenry of Greenpoint getting back in touch with the ‘nabe’s bucolic roots? Are rental properties and health insurance so prohibitively expensive as to make “going native” on the waterfront a viable option?

I’ll leave it up to you, dear readers, to decide.

Miss Heather

*Which I will go into later.

LAST GASP: Newtown Creek Oil Watch

The Seine of north Brooklyn was particularly repulsive today. And Laura Hofmann and Christine Holowicz (who shot the above video footage) tendered the bad news to the DEC hotline. Laura has assured me that she has never before received the rude treatment she got today by the operator. The first (and last time) I called the DEP I faced an inquisition.

How do you know it is oil?

I was asked, among similar crass questions. I grew up with gearheads. In my car-owning days I never once had to pay for an oil change— a six pack of beer sufficed. I live in Greenpoint. I know petroleum when I see (or smell) it.

Regardless of what this is, it is GROSS.

Miss Heather

P.S.: On that note, here’s more reading about the Newtown Creek Experience from north Brooklyn’s very own Aaron Short.

Love Is In The Air!

December 17, 2007 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Newtown Creek 

Many who are reading this are probably aware of the Newtown Creek Monitoring Committee. They are a community group charged with overseeing the upgrade of Greenpoint’s favorite sewage treatment plant. Each month they meet with the Department of Environmental Protection and talk sewage shop. While this may sound like watching paint dry to some, it has come to my attention that a subject has arisen at the last two meetings which is anything but boring.

Nature Walk, facing north

Per Emily Lloyd, the Commissioner of the Department of Environmental Protection, “unsavory acts” are transpiring at the nature walk. Per my source (the ever-cool Matt Wolfe of The Greenpoint Courier) she did not give any details as to the nature of these acts, but I suspect they are of a carnal persuasion. I want you to think about this for a moment, dear readers: there are people who (purportedly) see fit to fornicate in the shadow of New York Shitty’s largest sewage treatment plant.

Sewage Treatment Plant

This is like something straight out of a John Waters movie— which of course bears testament to its probable verity: Greenpoint is a John Waters kind of place. I wonder if a shag rug and a bottle of cold duck were used as inducements for these “unsavory acts”? Both of the previous facilitated my entrance into this world. I know this because my mother has told me so.

On a number of occasions.

But I digress. I have created a very special Greenpoint postcard to commemorate the (un?)natural acts which have taken place at the Nature Walk of late. Here it is for your delectation.

Love is in the air!

These can be purchased via my online store at Cafepress. Why not reach out and touch that special someone with a gift only Greenpoint can give? The Shit Tits!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who are interested in learning more about the Newtown Creek Monitoring Committee can contact them at:

Newtown Creek Monitoring Committee
329 Greenpoint Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

(718) 349-0150

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