November 19, 2009 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn, Crosstown Local, Park Slope 


One year ago you were a newbie; now you’re a titan of the Brooklyn blogosphere. Mazel tov! Your take on the neighborhood I care not to sully with my presence is a breath of fresh (and cynical) air. I look forward to hearing more from (and about you) in the future! Now that the Crosstown Local blights your ‘hood maybe you’ll come up and see me some time?

Miss Heather

P.S.: The Mister (a faithful reader of FIPS) has developed a fixation on “Prospect Park West” ever since Smartmom railed (incoherently) against it. Any chance you could help me get an autographed copy of this book? I’d like to give it to him for Christmas.

New York Shitty Day Ender: A Very Special Employment Opportunity

September 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Area 51, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New York City, Park Slope 

The Professor writes:

Hey Heather

I just ran across such a ridiculous Craigslist ad that I thought you might wanna see it. I don’t know that it’s anything you can use for your blog, or whatever, but it’s just such an extensively dumb solicitation that I thought you’d at least get a laugh.

Although, it could be a perfect setup for a big prank…*

Doc writes (in the aforementioned Craigslist advertisement):

Hi. Even for Craig’s List, this is going to be a strange ad. But read on – it’s strange but legit.

I’m a single, straight guy, in my early 40’s, recently moved to NYC, with almost no social circle here (and, even worse, I work on my own). No history of mental illnesss, jail time or listening to country music. Moving to NY has been fantastic, but the one thing is, I have been finding it hard to meet women. So I’m doing the normal, typical, rational thing that any guy in my position would do — I’m looking to hire a female “wingman,” that is, a “wingwoman,” to break the ice for me in social situations.

Strange but true.

This is a real job I’m offering; it’s not a personal ad in disguise, and I’m not a Nigerian scammer or a reality show producer, either. Perhaps more surprisingly, I’m also not a freak, weirdo or serial killer – I am just not good at walking up to a woman I don’t know and getting beyond “Hi” and I want to do something about it. (Basically, I want to avoid this guy’s fate.)

This would be a part-time, occasional gig. Get-togethers would be in Manhattan or Brooklyn; sometimes weekend afternoons, sometimes evenings. (Generally speaking, NOT in bars or nightclubs. I am more of a Brooklyn Flea / The Moth / Big Terrific / Midsummer Night Swing type of guy. This is also my kind of thing.) Probably 2-5 hours per stint. We would only meet in public places and I would pay you ($20/hour) cash.

And you don’t have to be single or even “unattached” to apply – there’s no “hanky panky” involved. (I really don’t care if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other, as long as that person knows about and is cool with the situation.)

If you want to know more details about the arrangement, check out these articles:

Are You With Him? Why Yes, Want to Date Him?

Wingwomen (8 pages long)…

WOW. I wonder if someone would pay me $20.00 an hour to be a cock blocker or chick repellent. I excel at both. I am a natural. “Doc” has also created a Facebook page which you can peruse by clicking here.

Miss Heather

P.S.: You can read “Doc’s” Craigslist ad in its entirety by clicking here or by clicking on the images below. Either way you’ll notice our man “Doc” is very detail-oriented!




P.S. #2: While I am on the subject of meetings and meat-markets, my good friends at Fucked In Park Slope will be hosting a “Meatup” this Wednesday, September 30th at The Bell House. For more information click here. B.Y.O.W. fellas.

*Or more annoying “viral” advertising.

Lost & Found In Greenpoint

February 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday I was asked by one of the very fabulous folks behind Fucked In Park Slope to contribute to their “Nine Questions” feature. I replied that I would be more than happy to do so. With certain “adjustments” of course.

For example, their first question is:

Describe Park Slope in 5 words.

My answer: It is not for me.

This is not to suggest that this ‘nabe doesn’t have its redeeming qualities. Clearly it does or so many people wouldn’t see fit to use the F train (AKA: G train lite— crappy commute sans the “in-flight entertainment”) to schlep to work every day. Park Slope is visibly pleasing. Park Slope is located adjacent to Prospect Park, which is also visibly pleasing. Is Park Slope a “nicer” place to live than Greenpoint, my home? From a certain view point the answer is “yes”.

But I do not espouse this point of view. What’s more, the effete “mommy culture” (be it smart or otherwise) is to my person what bleach is to ammonia: we shouldn’t mix. This is probably why I live in Greenpoint two blocks away from the largest waste treatment plant on the eastern seaboard.

And then of course there is this.


A dismantled “adult high chair” found on Green Street in front of the Green Oaks Club.

When I took the above photograph I didn’t realize what this was. I merely found it amusing. Later, when Mister Heather came home I got the 411:

The Mister saw Larry Da Junkman on the way to work. Larry was upset because the junk shop received a shipment of infantilism fetish gear* (which he knew yours truly would want to document) but one item was stolen: a super-sized high chair designed for very, VERY naughty men. After putting 2 + 2 together we concluded this had to be the item in question.

I for one really like this shade of pink. My kitchen is colored in this very same hue. The previous tenants painted it that way, I liked it and so I have left it. But alas this one hundred square foot room already sports too much clutter to make the integration of this item plausible. Damn.

Besides, it looks like it has been put to good use already.

Maybe this part of the reason why I live in Greenpoint? Gaggles of mothers with children in tow hosting touchy-feely gatherings at the local coffee shop/bar is not my proverbial cup of tea. Never was, never will be. Whatever “hard-wiring” women are purported to have which makes them want to beget children I did not receive.

This doesn’t make me and better or worse than them: only different. I respect their difference. Up to a point. My stroller friends to the south seem to operate under the presumption they do not live in a city of 8,000,000 plus people. And among previous seven figures are people who would be classified as criminals: those who have the desire to create mischief, those who steal in order to fence and get money; or those who steal out of genuine need (READ: they need a stroller).

The sad reality is if leave your property unattended someone may very well steal it (for any one of the previous reasons). High-end strollers are easy fodder for fencers. Carnation pink high-chairs built for adult consumption not so much. This item was clearly stolen by necessity.

Some gent in the Garden Spot of the Universe was a very, VERY bad boy and in dire need of some “correcting”. This chair was commandeered (for the previous purpose) and put to good use. This is the kind of theft I am am reluctant to malign: if you keep the adults in line the children most certainly will follow.

That’s page #1 of  the Greenpoint parenting book for you.


Miss Heather

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