Lost & Found In Greenpoint

February 28, 2009 by
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday I was asked by one of the very fabulous folks behind Fucked In Park Slope to contribute to their “Nine Questions” feature. I replied that I would be more than happy to do so. With certain “adjustments” of course.

For example, their first question is:

Describe Park Slope in 5 words.

My answer: It is not for me.

This is not to suggest that this ‘nabe doesn’t have its redeeming qualities. Clearly it does or so many people wouldn’t see fit to use the F train (AKA: G train lite— crappy commute sans the “in-flight entertainment”) to schlep to work every day. Park Slope is visibly pleasing. Park Slope is located adjacent to Prospect Park, which is also visibly pleasing. Is Park Slope a “nicer” place to live than Greenpoint, my home? From a certain view point the answer is “yes”.

But I do not espouse this point of view. What’s more, the effete “mommy culture” (be it smart or otherwise) is to my person what bleach is to ammonia: we shouldn’t mix. This is probably why I live in Greenpoint two blocks away from the largest waste treatment plant on the eastern seaboard.

And then of course there is this.


A dismantled “adult high chair” found on Green Street in front of the Green Oaks Club.

When I took the above photograph I didn’t realize what this was. I merely found it amusing. Later, when Mister Heather came home I got the 411:

The Mister saw Larry Da Junkman on the way to work. Larry was upset because the junk shop received a shipment of infantilism fetish gear* (which he knew yours truly would want to document) but one item was stolen: a super-sized high chair designed for very, VERY naughty men. After putting 2 + 2 together we concluded this had to be the item in question.

I for one really like this shade of pink. My kitchen is colored in this very same hue. The previous tenants painted it that way, I liked it and so I have left it. But alas this one hundred square foot room already sports too much clutter to make the integration of this item plausible. Damn.

Besides, it looks like it has been put to good use already.

Maybe this part of the reason why I live in Greenpoint? Gaggles of mothers with children in tow hosting touchy-feely gatherings at the local coffee shop/bar is not my proverbial cup of tea. Never was, never will be. Whatever “hard-wiring” women are purported to have which makes them want to beget children I did not receive.

This doesn’t make me and better or worse than them: only different. I respect their difference. Up to a point. My stroller friends to the south seem to operate under the presumption they do not live in a city of 8,000,000 plus people. And among previous seven figures are people who would be classified as criminals: those who have the desire to create mischief, those who steal in order to fence and get money; or those who steal out of genuine need (READ: they need a stroller).

The sad reality is if leave your property unattended someone may very well steal it (for any one of the previous reasons). High-end strollers are easy fodder for fencers. Carnation pink high-chairs built for adult consumption not so much. This item was clearly stolen by necessity.

Some gent in the Garden Spot of the Universe was a very, VERY bad boy and in dire need of some “correcting”. This chair was commandeered (for the previous purpose) and put to good use. This is the kind of theft I am am reluctant to malign: if you keep the adults in line the children most certainly will follow.

That’s page #1 of  the Greenpoint parenting book for you.


Miss Heather

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One Comment on Lost & Found In Greenpoint

  1. rowan on Sat, 28th Feb 2009 12:52 pm
  2. G-train lite. *giggle* I don’t think F-train patrons can “strut their stuff” quite like we do on the Crosstown Local, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Infantile fetishism: won’t go there.

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