East Village Triple Header

May 7, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

(Or “The Fingered Building”)

Last weekend my husband and I entertained some friends from out of town. Greenpoint style. As the evening wound down, we popped in on my buddy Larry at The Thing. He told a tale I have heard many times before. This was okay because I have yet to get tired of hearing it. Probably never will. It has all the elements of a good story, including:

  1. public masturbation
  2. an ice cream cone
  3. the Achille Lauro

Before moving to Brooklyn, Larry operated a junk shop on 10th Street at Fourth Avenue (Manhattan). Being in close proximity to St. Mark’s Place, he had a constant stream of weirdos, burn-outs, junkies and freaks to savor. Enough so that he became jaded. Until that day. A day that will live in real estate infamy.

ASIDE: Is it just me, or does most real estate jargon/ad copy sound like pornography nowadays? This is probably because a number of real agents are sexist perverts. I will never forget the time (when I was a real estate agent) when one of my more neanderthal compatriots referred to a particular condo he had previewed as being a “hot bitch”. I thought to myself:

If it’s so damned hot, why don’t you fuck it? ASSHOLE.

This agent enjoyed a particularly colorful reputation at the office. This is because an ex-girlfriend of his stormed in one day and had to be physically removed by the police. He said it was because she wasn’t handling the break-up well. I say it was because she wanted (rightfully and understandably) to dispatch this human piece of shit to his maker. But that’s beside the point, back to Larry’s tale…

Larry was hanging out in front of his shop when he saw him. I am certain a number of other people did as well, but they did their best not to show it. I can’t honestly say I blame them; Amy Vanderbilt has yet to set any hard and fast rules about how to graciously handle a man masturbating on the street.

Much less man eating an ice cream while masturbating on the street. Much, much less a man staring up an apartment building (that was once the residence of Leon Klinghoffer as Larry, a native New Yorker, noted) while eating an ice cream cone and masturbating on the street.

Everyone says New York Shitty real estate is hot, but this is the first time I have heard of a building getting of the ‘five knuckle shuffle’ stamp of approval. With an ice cream cone no less. WOW.

Shit like this makes me wish I had a penis. If I did, I would go down to Richardson Street and spank away. Ice cream cone in one hand, my member in the other. Perhaps pulling a ‘Raymond Marble’ a la Pink Flamingos would suffice? I could rig up a cod piece, insert my long vegan schlong of tofurky and go at it. I wonder what would John Waters do?

Miss Heather


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