What would Mike do?

May 18, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

What a week! Wanting to do nothing more than to while away the remains of this shitty day by culling some particularly obnoxious Curbed comments (to make Mad Libs), I discovered a cache of nasty directed at yours truly instead.

Like this turd posted by “Anonymous” regarding this post on Curbed:

Marion – Apparently, you don’t know how to read. If Miss Heather were forced to say something nice about Greenpoint, I think her jaw would lock up. Greenpoint has some of the most beautiful streetscapes in New York City. What does she focus her camera on?…..pictures of dog shit. Case closed! (I s’pose this person hasn’t seen my Flickr page. Case closed. —Ed. Note.)

Or this bad boy posted (once again) by “Anonymous” on The Gowanus Lounge:

Gee, what happened to all you liberal muliticulturalists!
You wanted all of the turd world to come here so they could cheaply reno your great apt deals, now you got it. SEE YA (I’m leaving). Enjoy the jungle you’ve turned NYC into.

I don’t know about you, but “Anonymous” sure seems to get around. Sort of like a bedbug. An Internet bedbug. Any person who has this much free time to pound out angry and half-baked comments on someone else’s blog (versus using his energy for a constructive purpose— like creating his own blog to spout his bullshit) probably doesn’t get out much. Though the previous may not be such a bad thing now that I think about it.

Nonetheless, given the previous slanderous statements I feel compelled to reassert my stand on things gentrified and Greenpoint:

  1. I love Greenpoint. As far as I am concerned “The Garden Spot” is the best fucking place on the planet. There is no other place in the world I would rather live. Some may argue that it is desolate, polluted, ugly, etc., but to judge a ‘hood by its looks is to overlook the quality of its character. What makes Greenpoint great are its people (save “Anonymous” perhaps). The Upper East Side might be pretty, but the inhabitants residing therein are not. I’d much rather deal with drunken bums than interface with those assholes.
  2. I have never considered myself a “liberal”. My politics are way too out there to be “liberal”, much less pro-gentrification. I think reasonable development is a good thing. And by “reasonable development” I mean building affordable rental housing, not displacing working folk/poor to build Kondos for kids.
  3. I won’t address the accusation of being a “muliticulturalist” because only a certified illiterate asshole (of Rush “Pill Popper” Limbaugh caliber) would use such a word. All I’m saying is the person who usually throws around this term (whose proper spelling is m-u-l-t-i-c-u-l-t-u-r-a-l-i-s-t, by the way) does so in order to make a (thinly) veiled racist/classist statement. And not being a so-called “liberal”, I ain’t taking the bait. Take your Xenophobic Roadshow to Wyoming asshole “Anonymous”, the peeps of New York Shitty ain’t buying it. I think you’ll really like “Big Wyoming, Equality State, Cowboy State” especially since its most famous ‘cowboy’ nowadays is a dick.

“How can I placate Anonymous so he will not blight my fine-ASS Internet presence with his pointless pontifications, projected rage and illucid bullshit?” I asked myself today. Over and over. And— after some careful consideration, a couple of beers and listening to a LOT of Black Sabbath— I finally had a breakthrough: What Would Mike Do?

House of Mike

(Click on ye above image and behold the Holy Tablet of Mike.)

I stuck out my can (of beer) and prayed:

Mike, he of Greenpoint aluminum siding infamy, I beseech you. It’s Miss Heather, you know, the she-freak who takes pictures of dog shit and talks to herself. My Greenpoint loyalty and street cred have been challenged and my spirits are low, what should I do?

And Mike spoke:

Miss Heather, you are a good Greenpointer. You make me proud. Keep spreading the turd to the non-believers. I will give you an endless supply of aluminum siding and dog shit for your quest. Go south, my dear, Williamsburg needs you!

I did, albeit virtually. And I took the very finest architecturetorture Greenpoint has to offer with me: The Freeman Street Assault Domicile, The Holy House Sheathed in Mike’s Mighty Aluminum Siding and this, The Most Sacred Mobile Home of India Street.

Without further ado, I present De-gentrification: Miss Heather style!

Northside Piers a la Mike

The eyesore of tomorrow (Northside Piers) can be yours today!*


Miss Heather

*Aluminum siding, satellite dish and scab-busting rats not included. BYOT: bring your own trailer.


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