Believed to be insane

June 4, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

I am certain a number of you have read that laughably bad series of articles about Greenpoint in Time Out New York. I have done so repeatedly because the neighborhood they wrote about sure as fuck isn’t Greenpoint. And I should know, I fucking live here. The following quote from their real estate feature almost gave me an aneurysm.

Rentals run between $800 and $1,000 for a studio, and $900 and $1,200 for a one-bedroom. You just need to know where to look: Check real-estate listings in the Greenpoint Gazette and Greenpoint Star, and tenants wanted signs in the windows of Polish-run businesses, or try local broker Eve Levine (347-XXX-XXXX).

What the fuck were the editors smoking when they decided to publish this? I wonder if Eve gave it to them, because it must be some seriously good shit. Not like the schwag my neighbors usually smoke. That’s all they can afford after paying exorbitantly high rent each and every month.

It has also been my observation that most of the apartments advertised in the Greenpoint Gazette and the Greenpoint Star are listed by brokers. Many of the “for rent” signs I see here are written in Polish —which makes sense given they are usually placed in the windows of Polish businesses. Why does it not surprise me that Eve “Homebuying for Hipsters” Levine, an agent herself, didn’t see fit to mention any of the previous? It would be bad for business, that’s why. After a horde of gullible miscreats tries (and fails) to locate these unbelievably inexpensive apartments they will give Eve a call. And she will be more than happy to help them, for a fee.

Seriously, the days of getting a $800/month rent for studio apartment in Greenpoint are long gone. When I moved here over seven years ago my first (studio) apartment cost me $850 a month. Although it was very spacious, it was hardly a palace: I had part of my kitchen ceiling collapse, had intermittent hot water and once went 10 days without electricity.

I had a crackhead as a neighbor. The hallways of my building reeked of crack and the stench of stale shit. This crackalicious chap also happened to be the Superintendent’s brother, which really sucked. In a nutshell, I lived in a total and utter shithole. I can only imagine what $800 a month will get you now. Maybe a coop at Josh Guttman’s Chicken Ranch, a room at the ever popular Greenpoint Hotel or a Port-O-Let immediately come to mind.

Ms. Levine’s assertion that $900-$1,200 was the going rent for one bedroom struck me as being even more dubious. I have lived in the same one bedroom RENT STABILIZED apartment for over five years. When I moved in my rent was $1,200 a month. Not anymore!

I don’t know where you got your information from, TONY. Were the whoppers you published the result of graft or were they wrested out your ASS?* Either way, it’s a load of shit. Which brings me to today’s offering of Greenpoint historic hooliganism. This one dates from the November 23, 1899 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle and is entitled “Believed To Be Insane”. Enjoy!

Young Man Found Wading in Whale Creek in Greenpoint

“I am a reporter and I have been assigned on a story by a Manhattan newspaper to Greenpoint” said Archie Harvey, a wild-eyed looking young man to Magistrate Lemon in the Manhattan Avenue police court today when he was arraigned on a charge of vagrancy. The Magistrate looked at the reporters and then at the magistrate a second time.

“I repeat that I am a reporter assigned by the New York Herald to write a story in Greenpoint,” the prisoner said. “I get $25,000 a day and give my mother $1,000 a minute.”

Magistrate Lemon committed Harvey for examination into his sanity. The young man gave his address as 148 East Forty-fourth Street, Manhattan. He was arrested on a charge of vagrancy last evening while he was wading in Whale Creek at the foot of Eagle Street, Greenpoint. He wore neither hat, coat nor shoes and appeared to be in search of something.

I’m not surprised the judge didn’t believe Mr. Harvey’s story. Everyone knows that there is no way in hell an actual print reporter (from Manhattan, no less) would set foot in our humble ‘hood. They let the local real estate brokers and developers ghostwrite/edit their articles for them. Everyone around here knows that, even the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint.

Miss Heather

*And to think that I actually looked forward to their “Cheap Eats” issue. Whores. No worries, I am currently in talks with NFT about doing a little writing for them. If this comes to pass people will hear the REAL DEAL about what’s shaking in Greenpoint. From someone who actually lives here and provides a measure of “local resistance” to Magic Johnson’s early morning wake-up calls and apparent disregard public safety, no less.


6 Comments on Believed to be insane

  1. dupreciate on Mon, 4th Jun 2007 6:42 pm
  2. I wonder how much that realtor paid for the plug. However, in December I was shown a number of one-bedroom railroads for 1250-1300 (and took one), so yeah, they’re out there, but you get what you pay for. Luxury it ain’t.

    Rent is locked in for 3 years – I’m interested to see if I’ll be able to afford Greenpoint when the lease is up.

  3. knotslaning on Tue, 5th Jun 2007 7:37 am
  4. Well, when I moved into the neighborhood 5 years ago I rented, with my husband, a “one bedroom” on Northern Manhattan Avenue for a steal, only 1000.00 a month. The problem was that my one bedroom was actually a studio with a closet (and a small closet), without an oven or a fridge, next to a crack motel, stank of death, had roaches, mice, dog fighting hommies and once someone was stabbed inside my building and I had to clean up the blood because the police would not (did I mention it was through a broker because I couldn’t find anything cheaper at the time). This apartment now (because I contacted the landlord recently when I was looking for a new place) is around 1300. a month. So much for the cheap and spacious Greenpoint apartments. However, I now live directly in Poland (eastern GP) and pay very little for a large two bedroom apartment but it took me hellish months of walking the pavement to find it.

  5. jukeboxgraduate on Tue, 5th Jun 2007 11:31 am
  6. Miss H – when I was doing the real estate, which was up until June 06 – you could still get $1000 and $1200 1br’s in north greenpoint. lots of teachers calling me for those. Freeman, Eagle, Dupont – they’re there. Now, it’s a year later, so i’m sure the $1k’s are $1200 and the $1200’s are $1400. And occasionally I’d get someone calling who would swear to me they already had found something for $1200 but could they please see my $1200 just in case it was better (right).

    ah, the greenpoint hotel. one of our landlords owns that place, and their office is in there. i had to pick up leases and drop off checks there weekly. they once tried to make us have lease signings there, but all it took was one client revolting for them to agree to let us do it at the ashbox instead.

    kenn firpo actually gets most of the good greenpoint deals. that’s because they’ve been there since time immemorial and has polish-speaking agents. that’s how i found my rent-stabilized place, and it’s where i’d send anyone looking. (and no, i didn’t work for them.)

    the biggest issue with greenpoint is the polish landlords want to deal with polish (or at least polish-speaking) agents/brokers. maybe they would rent to you directly if you had a recommendation from someone in the neighborhood. maybe. like the OP said, months of walking the pavement, which requires knowing the neighborhood.

    none of the hipsters who will call eve want to live in greenpoint. they want to live in w’burg. and if they’d agree to live in greenpoint,they certainly don’t want to live anywhere that doesn’t touch mccarren park.

  7. missheather on Tue, 5th Jun 2007 1:02 pm
  8. I looked at a “2 bedroom” railroad on Eagle St. back in January. The asking rent was $1,300 a month. It was one of the sorriest pieces of shit I have ever seen— and being a former broker myself, that is really saying something.

  9. spellingwitch on Wed, 6th Jun 2007 3:53 pm
  10. Wow I had no idea there was a Whale Creek in Greenpoint.

  11. missheather on Wed, 6th Jun 2007 4:54 pm
  12. At one time Greenpoint was very close to being an island. There were lots of waterways here. Check out this map and you’ll what I mean:

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