101 (minus a few score) Uses for a Dead Rat

July 19, 2007 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Last weekend I endeavored to purchase a Metrocard from one of the machines located at the Driggs Avenue entrance of the Bedford Avenue stop of the L train. I pushed the requisite buttons, tendered my ten bucks and a new card popped out. Then I got a message stating there was an “error” and that I needed to take my person, my card and my receipt to the token booth attendant. I waited.

And waited.

No receipt.

Getting edgy because I thought I had been gyped out of ten bucks, I went to the token booth in a huff. They tested it and everything was okay.

Now jump forward to a comment I got today. Thenextstopwillbe writes:

…exited the L at the Driggs end one day to discover that someone had stuffed a dead rat in the change chute of the Metrocard machine. It fit in there sideways perfectly.

Perhaps this is what I did wrong? Instead of anticipating a piece of paper, I should have waited for the dead rat to be dispensed. Silly me.

This dead rat concept has legs. Four of them to be exact. If New York City wants to become greener, why not start with its copious use of paper? Take parking tickets for example. I find these discarded on the street constantly. Presumably by scofflaws. Jane Q. Doubleparker might blow off a piece of paper, but I seriously doubt she’ll be very nonchalant after finding a dead rat under her windshield wiper.

The same goes jury duty summonses, Stop Work Orders, arrest warrants, birth certificates, death certificates, marriage licenses or unemployment insurance questionnaires. Save a tree and utilize one of New York’s greatest and least utilized natural resources: rattus norvegicus. Deceased.

In fact, why not bring this revolutionary movement to the private sector as well? Someone in Greenpoint already has; a few days ago I found a dead rat doormat at 294 1/2 McGuinness Boulevard. I think it was a dead rat, anyway. It could have also been Marv Albert’s toupee* after a rough night in Long Island City. Or both. Who knows?


I wonder where the bones went?

Miss Heather

*No women or rats were bit, forcibly sodomized or coerced into threesomes during the writing of this post.


3 Comments on 101 (minus a few score) Uses for a Dead Rat

  1. Brooklyn Bitch on Fri, 20th Jul 2007 11:23 am
  2. I’m sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck I’d do if I found a dead rat in the Metrocard receipt/change tray, and, I’m seriously at a loss. That is soooo fuckin’ nasty. And, whoever is responsible for that, I seriously hope they were drunk. Like, super, super drunk.

  3. missheather on Fri, 20th Jul 2007 11:52 am
  4. I realize what I am about to write is very, very wrong BUT…

    As many times as I have seen old Polish men and women exit the G train and check EACH AND EVERY pay phone on the platform for change while exiting, I wish someone would squeeze a dead rat into those fuckers. Just to see the look on their faces.

  5. Z@ch on Sun, 11th May 2008 7:05 pm
  6. I wish that I could find a good use for all the dead rats I find in up here in LIC, they don’t look edible and the fur is kind of… ratty…. yuppie repellent perhaps?

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