Billy Mays (The Oxi Clean Guy)

August 12, 2006 by
Filed under: (s)Hit Parade, Area 51 

Over the last two months I have developed a certain fascination with Mr. Mays. If I ever became famous enough to require a spokesperson (or a Greenpoint dog shit tour guide), I would hire him. Money would be no object. Few things would be finer than a group of turistas (clad in walking shorts, Rockports, and customized ‘spin art’ tee shirts) ambling down the streets of Greenpoint, asking where the closest public bathroom is (heh, heh) and listening with rapt interest while Mr. Mays (and his 200+ decibel voice) pontificates about dog shit. My eyes actually tear up at the mere thought of this scenario, to be perfectly honest.

Being an inquisitive person, I went onto the Internet to see if anyone else found Mr. Mays as intriguing as I do. I discovered that he not only has a listing on Wikipedia, but some have actually seen fit to erect fan pages in his honor. It was on this page that I found the following *ahem* enthusiastic praise for Mr. Mays:

Did you ask, “Do you wanna LICK Billy Mays’ Ass?” Well, in any case, the answer would be, “YES!” He is one of the hottest BEARS on the market. I love watching his informercials and every single short commercial that they put on during regular programming. Every time one of his commercials comes on, I make everyone shut up and focus on the Bear God that sits before us. Although I’m not physically able to have his baby, I wouldn’t mind trying for an infinite amount of time. I don’t care what he’s selling as long as the commercials show a lot of him and that gorgeous body. I hope he never shaves that fine beard. I also hope that he’ll start wearing less clothing…at least wear shorts to show off those legs. Maybe they should invent a product for your skin so he can take off his shirt to show us how it works. For anyone who disagrees, “Don’t hate!”

– kybearlover

Thank you “kybearlover” for searing a mental picture onto my brain that will require at least a 6 pack of beer (tallboys) to erase. Dear reader(s), if I have to live my the rest of my life with the knowledge that…

  1. there are people in this world who harbor erotic sentiments about Billy Mays and
  2. are motivated enough to let it be known to total strangers,

so should you!

Miss Heather


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