Thank You Sarah Palin: Shitty Family Values

September 6, 2008 by
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Ever had something you just couldn’t stop picking at? I distinctly remember elementary school classmates who attentively picked at each and every scab gracing their arms and legs. Beneath them (in the class caste system) were the nose pickers; while a source of curiosity (and amusement) to many, their compulsive digging did little to enhance their social status in the smash jaw world that was (and probably still is) the third grade. A distinct subset of the previous were the booger eaters. They were beyond the pale. The next (and only) stop in the preteen city of Dis were the kids who compulsively gave themselves “Indian burns” with chalk board erasers or sucked their thumbs.

I mention this because Sarah Palin and her fascinating (and rapidly procreating) family have become my scab. Inasmuch as I tell myself that I should just leave it alone the truth is I can’t. Not unlike Angel the girl who sucked her thumb until the 6th grade; I cannot avert my eyes from the Palin clan. They are too magnificently abject. I must savor every sordid detail.

I’m not the only one, either. I get anywhere from 6-8 emails a day from Pa Heather outlining their latest misdeeds. With color commentary. And given his propensity for writing (Pa Heather did, after all, once send President Jimmy Carter a four page typewritten letter politely telling him everything he was doing wrong), the commentary has been copious.


The last time Pa Heather and I talked “politics” (and had a true father/daughter moment for that matter) was after Nixon’s funeral in 1994). The source of our amusement was Spiro  “if you’ve seen one city slum you’ve seen them all” Agnew.*

Miss Heather: I didn’t know he was alive.
Pa Heather:
I didn’t know he was out of prison.

(dark laughter)

Pa Heather has distinct (if antiquated) ideas of how women should deport themselves. He’s pro-choice, but finds women drinking beer (especially from the bottle) distasteful. Having a daughter who can match his command of profanity (and taste for beer) presents certain issues to Pa Heather. We’re not estranged; we simply do not talk that much.

That is, until Sarah Palin came along!

Depending on one’s viewpoint Pa Heather getting a new computer and high speed Internet access can be a gift or a curse. Since I am not on the receiving end of what he rants about— and he rails aplenty (did I mention Pa Heather is retired?)— I don’t really mind. In fact I find it amusing and occasionally join in.

CASE IN POINT #1: email entitled “Wonderful” dated September 2, 2008

Pa Heather:

Carville: City hall of town where Palin was mayor looks like a southern Louisiana bait shop.

My reply:

Now, now. Not everyone can have a city hall as splendid as ours. Toss in a portable television, mini fridge and a porch swing for courtin’ and this baby will be PHAT!

As a matter of fact Wasilla’s City Hall might have a distinct advantage over ours: it appears to be equipped with a drive-thru window. We city slickers (and community organizers) need to quit examining our over-educated navels and recognize progress. After you pay off your parking tickets I bet the City of Wasilla throws in a free growler of beer or a round (or two) of ammunition.

CASE IN POINT #2: an email entitled “From (name excised)” dated September 3, 2008

In case you are hungry for more about SP, here it is.

8 More Shocking Revelations About Sarah Palin

By Isaac Fitzgerald and Tana Ganeva, AlterNet
Posted on September 3, 2008, Printed on September 3, 2008

To wit I replied:

It’s so touching to see such “family values” at work.

This time I hit “reply all” and copied all my father’s friends. The more the merrier, thought. It was. I got a reply from one of them:

I am shocked, shocked that such things have occurred during this fine, upstanding citizen’s watch!

Feeling loquacious, I kept the ball rolling:

I know, I am as disgusted as you are: Captain Morgan?!? Surely Bristol could have secured better hooch. You know, with her mother being Gov and all.

Of course, you know what the Captain’s slogan is:

“Got a little Captain in You?”

She does!

These people make it too easy. Seriously. I almost feel bad about picking on Bristol Cream or whatever her name is.


CASE IN POINT #3: Yesterday’s choice morsel entitled “2 months to go”:

Todd Palin’s former business partner files an emergency motion to have his divorce papers sealed. Oh God. The Enquirer was right…she f***** his business partner..Or at least that’s what i’m going to hope and pray for. Self righteous, NEOCON, holier than thou, airhead..

I have yet to reply to this one— but I will. I will undoubtedly write something to the effect that the Palin women seem to be good at fucking (given their propensity for pro-creating— YOUNG). I suppose I should expect as much from people hailing from a state where (under the right circumstances) a 13 year old can be considered of age to consent.

But this post isn’t about Palin-bashing (as fun and easy as it is). Rather it is a testament to family values and togetherness.

Ms. Sarah Palin has not only moved my father, an AVOWED ATHIEST, to type the word “god” with a capital “G” but she has moved him to “hope” and “pray”. Pa Heather is not only an atheist. He also happens to be an avowed social conservative who voted for Barry Goldwater in 1964 and will probably vote for Obama in 2008. Do I find this shocking? Yes. But you know what they say:

God works in mysterious ways.

Most importantly dear old dad and I have exchanged more emails in three days than we usually do in three months since this dipstick with lipstick came onto the scene. Sometimes even Ma Heather joins in the fun!

Thank you Sarah, Todd, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig (O’nometry)** and lest I forget Levi Johnston*** for bringing my wayward family back together!

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: Just Jared and CNN

*Along with this sensitive sentiment:

Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.

Guess what Spiro? They (being the Republican Party) DID IT. How else can you explain why Palin is on the Vice Presidential ticket and this?

**Sarah Palin confessed to smoking pot in college but said she didn’t like it. Her children’s names beg to differ. What will Bristol name her child? I’d like to propose Boolean Algebra Johnston— BooJay for short.

***The HOT future felon/Billy Carter that you are! If/when I become President I’ll make you my intern. 😉


One Comment on Thank You Sarah Palin: Shitty Family Values

  1. mangycur on Sat, 6th Sep 2008 7:36 pm
  2. I personally am groovin’ on the conspiracy theory out there that Sarah faked her latest pregnancy with Trig, which came to fruition while her daughter Bristoll was out of school for 5 months with “mono” (kind of like visiting your aunt for the school year). Trig has downs syndrom–or is it fetal alcohol syndrom? (I am adding this embellishment myself). This theory warms the coquiles of my heart, especially since Bristol would then have to have gotten knocked up again shortly after having given birth to Trig–please, sweet baby jesus, let it be true!

Tell me what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!

You must be logged in to post a comment.

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    The One CrewSnowy SeagullsWalking the Dog in the Snow
  • Ads