Thank You Magic Johnson!

September 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I see your face on bus shelters exhorting people to get out and walk more because it is good for their well-being (on the behalf of Aetna— if my memory serves me correctly). I started doing just this two years ago (without you or Aetna’s help). It works. Sometimes I walk from Greenpoint to Bed-Stuy, Clinton Hill or Bushwick and back. Just for the fun of it. When was the last time you went to Bed-Stuy, Magic? Just curious. But I digress.

When I get back home (to Greenpoint) I want to rest. This is rather difficult to do given that your development —one which seeks to uplift my humble hood from the utter squalor we lived in before (which wasn’t that bad) —to condos starting at $400,000 a pop —works consistently later than the law allows. Sawing, hammering, dumping garbage into containers. I have heard this at 8:00 p.m., 8:30 p.m. And as of last night even later:

Do you want to promote good health, Magic? If so, make your workers at 110 Green Street stop work at 6:00 p.m.* Sleep deprivation is a killer.

Miss Heather

*And ask them to refrain from verbally abusing women and teenage girls. I have actually made it a point to walk around my— or would that be your block— so I will not be cat-called by your workers. Kisses, hisses, etc.

I’m not the only one.

Boobification Photo du Jour: McGolrick Park

September 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang, is dead varmint poontang, I think.

Carl Spackler, Caddyshack.

Miss Heather

What’s Up On Oak?

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Today I finally bumped into a woman leaving this new storefront (whose address is 97 Oak Street) so I asked her what was going on. Apparently it is going to be a pastry shop. Think something along the lines of “Cheeks” down in Williamsburg, e.g.; no margarine, no corn syrup, etc.

No word as to when they’ll be open but I heard from someone down the street that they recently had a “tasting” and the reviews were very positive!

Miss Heather

To Whom It May Concern At 200 Franklin Street

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

If you are going to violate a Stop Work Order (and it is pretty clear that you are) could you be a little more discreet about it? I mean, having two cement trucks grinding away on the street is a little obvious. What’s more, your workers might want to take a little more care handling the stuff (READ: cement) coming out of said trucks. Blindly flinging a hose into a wheelbarrow might result in someone (READ: me) getting spritzed IN THE FACE, HAIR AND CHEST with cement.

See those little flecks on the above pair of sunglasses (which I happened to be wearing at the time of said incident)? That is your cement, dude. Had I not been wearing sunglasses that shit would have gotten in my eyes. Not only is this a woeful waste of construction material, but in some circles splattering cement in someone’s face would be considered RUDE.

Mind you the previous are all only suggestions. If you want to go for a third Stop Work Order (and I am increasingly of the impression you are), keep it up.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to take a bath and mull over calling 311.

Asshole.

Miss Heather

Boobification Photo du Jour: Nassau Avenue

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Remember ladies: if your package weighs more than 13 ounces be sure to take it to the post office for proper handling. This public service announcement was brought to you courtesy of the United States Postal Service* and New York Shitty.

Miss Heather

*Not really, obviously.

Introducing Bad Date Haiku

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

As some of you have probably noticed my posting of late has been a bit sporadic. The reason for this is two-fold:

  1. I have been very, very busy. Mostly with taking our pets to and from the veterinarian.
  2. I have at long last directed my attention to other creative endeavors.

Like this.

Bad Date Haiku came into being the way most good things do: procrastination. Last week my buddy over at Bad Advice and I were talking on the phone about bad dates. We both had better things to do but quite frankly we were having fun. At one point she rolled out a real doozy and it struck me:

That sounded a lot like a haiku.

I told her this and an hour later I got the ball rolling by emailing her my very own bad date haiku. Needless to say it snowballed from there. More people started participating, our inboxes got fuller and fuller and we finally decided “Why not share the joy with the world?”.

So we did.

At some point we’re going to roll this over into a bona fide web site. In the meantime you can savor Bad Date Haiku version 1.0 (as constructed by the ever fabulous Bad Advice) by clicking here. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it! (WARNING: some images NSFW.)

Miss Heather

Interesting Consumer Item Of The Day: She Wha?

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Recently a good friend of mine when out for drinks with a male buddy of hers. Upon leaving a bar she spied a very intoxicated gentleman (in a business suit, no less) drunkenly urinating on the side of a newspaper stand. This display really pissed her off (pin intended). I’ll let her take it up from here:

I was looking for something to launch into a tirade about anyway so I looked right at the guy “oh yeah, that’s what I like to see when I’m out enjoying my evening, some drunk moron with his d*ck out in public, making the whole world his toilet!”

Michael got very embarrassed and tried to walk away, but I started to get my camera phone out.  Then he doubled back and reprimanded me: “oh come on! Don’t’ do that!”

And I put it away because the walk signal changed –and I decided I’d rather go home anyway.  Then Michael says “he’s probably more embarrassed than you are!”

“What!?” I said.  “If he’s embarrassed, he should go into a f*cking mcdonalds, buy a coke, and use the restroom, like I would.”

Michael:  “come on, he’s obviously drunk.  He wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t have to.”

Me:  “WTF-ever, I have been drunk in my day but I have NEVER *HAD* to stop in the middle of the street and pee.  This is why our city smells like a toilet.  It’s just uncivilized.  You know who pees out in public?  MY DOG.  Civilized human beings find proper toilets.”

Michael was obviously angered by my tirade and started walking away, turning his shoulder to me.  But I was all feist.

“What, you’re mad. Sorry.  I forgot.  He has a p*nis!  It is a man’s god-given right to whip it out whenever and wherever and relieve himself.   I’M SO SORRY, I FORGOT.  I BOW DOWN TO THE P*NIS!!!”

Michael was totally mortified that I was hollering this in public and decided that we should part ways for the evening. I asked him if he thought I was being belligerent, and he said YES.  I know I was being belligerent, but I didn’t care, and still don’t, actually.

What’s funny is if this guy had been puking, I would have felt sorry for him.  But nobody pees on the street “because they HAVE to,” unless they are homeless.

My friend could have let it go at this point. Could have. She didn’t. She’s a “follow through” kind of gal— which is why I learned the good news about “She Wee”. If you can’t beat  ‘em, join ‘em!

Yes, this is a real consumer item. My friend actually ordered one is trying to learn how to use it.* Apparently it comes with a hose so you can “direct” your yellow salvo where ever you want. Imagine that: now you and grandma can bond over writing your initials in the snow! Check out their web site for yourself. It’s quite something.

Miss Heather

*I’m trying to get her to post a dairy of her learning curve here on New York Shitty. We’ll see what happens. Keep your streams crossed!

Could Someone Please Explain This To Me?

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

From a distance I thought this was bus shelter. It isn’t. It is a BIKE shelter. This city cannot feed, clothe —much less house —it’s own citizens and it is outlaying money on things like this? Could someone please explain the logic at play here because quite frankly I’m not getting it.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Gentrification

September 23, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

From Union Avenue.

Miss Heather

Boobification Photo du Jour: VIRIDIAN*

September 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Green Street.

Miss Heather

*Where they were busy at work today (UNTIL 10:17 p.m.). These gents have got to be the hard(on)est working men I know. I s’pose that’s why they waste their time catcalling woman and buying porn at the junk shop on their lunch hour.

I do not want to suggest the hard working men at this development are merely horny. They are choosy. They prefer their porn on DVDs. (VHS is beneath them.) When I proffered “Blackeyed Pees” (on DVD) to one such chap it did not suit his taste. He left.