‘Tis The Season: Of Hanukkah & Dental Health

December 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: The Moonshine Soliloquy

December 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

I have said it before and I’ll say it again. Nothing has facilitated the culture of narcissism in this country more than the cellular phone. No matter where I go someone will undoubtedly be jawing or texting away with total abandon. When I go to the grocery store I will be invariably be stuck behind some woman multi-tasking a stroller, tendering her credit card and yammering away. BADLY. Restaurants are fair game as well. While I’m trying to savor my enchilada I am edified about how Lauren couldn’t possibly be Jewish because she is from Nebraska. I recently came home from dinner in Sunnyside via the B24. The entire ride home I had to listen to the bus driver in a heated argument with his girlfriend about something or other via his Bluetooth.I don’t know what it was about and I don’t want to know; I just want to get back to Greenpoint alive. Is this so much to ask? For a measly $2.00 (and given the MTA’s current financial woes), perhaps it is. But back to the purpose of this post.

In addition to impolite cell phone users yours truly also hates shouting. Unless there is a damned good reason to shout (e.g.; someone is about to walk in front of a moving bus, Barack Obama is elected president, New Year’s Eve, a rousing round of the World Cup, being batshit crazy, etc.) I see no reason for to engage in this practice.

Therefore you can imagine my delight when I had the pleasure of listening to some man scream profanity like a howler monkey into his cell phone for a solid twenty minutes last night in front of my apartment building. I was not prepared (How can one be ready for such an eventuality?) but I did manage to get some usable footage (crank up the volume for maximum f-bombtastic fun!). I’m not too sure what set him off. I think it is about a $400 phone bill. Or something. In any case be patient and savor “Moonshine Soliloquy” at the end. It’s worth the wait.

In the clarity that is 20/20 hindsight I could have assisted this chap. Mister Heather has a stash of applejack. I could have readily offered this to this gent in exchange for him shutting the fuck up. Or I simply could have dumped it on his head and lit a match. Either way it would have been a sad waste of hard liquor.

Miss Heather

Image Credit: hdforindies.com

Semantics a la Sharpie Marker: A Little Holiday Cheer Courtesy Of Mott Street

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Manhattan 

Speaking as someone who was once in management and as such had the pleasure of drafting* and receiving many an assholic memorandum in my day, I have to say this is one of the finest specimens I have ever seen.

Sharpie marker + a piece of a plywood = ONE CLASSY OPERATION.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Miss Heather

*Regarding such delightful subjects as:

  1. Please refrain from stealing other people’s food from the office fridge.
  2. Please refrain from physically threatening people who steal your food from the office fridge.
  3. Please refrain from urinating and defecating on the floor of the men’s bathroom.

‘Tis The Season: We Have The Biggest Balls Of All!

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

LOOKIN’ GOOD GREENPOINT!

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Not only were our very own Shit Tits given a nod by New York Magazine* as being one of the finest examples of new architecture/design in the entire city, but our fair burgh will also be the subject matter of WNYC’s** Christmas card this holiday season! How do I know this, you ask? Very simple. They sent me an email telling me so:

Congratulations – we have selected your photo to be on the holiday card this year.

We’ll send you some of them when they are printed.

A pretty spiffy shot if I say so myself! Although to be perfectly frank I would have gone with this.

Miss Heather

*Who failed to mention one of the very finest aspects of our “girls”: when it is misty at night (as it will probably be this evening) the sky above them glows blue!

**Whose first transmitter was located here, by the way. Go to the end of Greenpoint Avenue and see for yourself!

Brooklyn Back In The Day: Where Is It?

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn 

Those of you who have a eye for detail will find this one to be a slam dunk. Otherwise if you need a hint (or simply want to see a beautiful Brooklyn family from yesteryear) you can click here.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Video Du Jour: Midtown West

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Manhattan 

Last weekend I had the pleasure of schlepping to the Port Authority (Leisure Time Bowl) for a birthday celebration. Well, I can’t honestly say it was much of a pleasure. I detest this part of New York City. Why is this so, you ask? There are too many reasons list here but for starters:

1. It sports some of the worst architecture to be found in the entire city. The Port Authority for one is absolutely HIDEOUS. As negotiated my way through its bowels on the way to Leisure Time Bowl I spied notices admonishing me against taking photographs. I suppose this has something to do with the war on terror. Presuming I was a terrorist for a moment why would I trifle with this building? If I truly wanted to make people suffer I would leave it standing.

2. The only thing possibly worse than the architecture of the Port Authority are the people who hang out there. Want to know what caliber of person considers kicking it the Port Authority to be a splendid way to while away a Saturday night? Watch this.

*shudder*

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Ashley Ide. If this image tickles your fancy (as it did mine) you will be delighted to know it will soon be gracing Christmas cards! For more information about prices and availability contact Ashley.

Salvation For Rent— Willing To Divide

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Jay (the tipster who brought this morsel of Craigslist goodness to my attention) writes:

Since when is Greenpoint “the safest neighborhood in New York”? Isn’t this a few blocks away from Club Exit? 4! minutes. not 5 to the midtown tunnel. If it was 5 I’d have to reconsider. very high ceilings – no shit. it’s a CHURCH.

I’ll take it, but only if I get to fedderize it.

Don’t believe that our very own St. Elias has been banished to the real estate limbo that is Craigslist? Click on the above screencap or go to craigslist and see for yourself. Sorry scenesters, no dance clubs allowed.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Only $400,000? Where do I sign?

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: The Mooninite House

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I have a confession to make: I love this house. It looks like it is grimacing. And when you take into account this domicile has to stand watch over the BQE and Meeker Avenue day after day I can’t really say I blame it!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who are wondering what a “Mooninite” is should point and click your way over here.

Photo Credit: Victoria Belanger

Reader Question Of The Day

December 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Manhattan 

Questions are always welcome here at New York Shitty. Feel free to leave them in my comments or send ‘em via email at missheather at newyorkshitty dot com. All I ask in return is to please be patient and civil. Sometimes finding/word-smithing a decent answer takes time. Otherwise I occasionally get my fill of the Interwebs (or my offline life interferes) and I need to take a break. The previous having been said I was recently queried about “my girls” (as seen above cavorting with a few balls at Leisure Time Bowl).

Jaxjags08 writes (in regards to this post):

Glad to see the boobs are back! I missed them so much! Good question about where DO you keep these things stashed?

toremember approached me with a similar query. It was follows:

how do you travel with these babies? do you keep them stashed in a bag or do you let them get some air?

This is an excellent question. Listen up dear readers because I am only going to answer this question once. HERE AND NOW.

Toting around an additional pair of “snack trays” did present yours truly with a challenge. After all, my “natural set” are affixed to my person. They are also more than happy to go “free range” or be contained in the expansive environment of an American Apparel baby rib bikini bra size XS.

Go ahead and call me a hipster. They’re cheap, they’re comfortable and best of all they’re 100% cotton. What’s more, under wires were made for a certain type of person. At a whopping “aa” cup I am not that person. If I so much as sneeze I can assure you such a contraption would poke my eyes out. But back to the holder of my other boulders.

I tried a number of means of carrying them. A plastic grocery bag proved to be too transparent. My backpack was a bit stifling (wrinkled tits, I think NOT!). I had two big learning curves ahead of me. Trial and experimented I did. Over and over. Then the obvious solution came to me. And true boobification prevailed.

A BRA: DUH!

Brassieres for against Bolshevism!

Miss Heather