Bushwick Apartment For Rent: Chicken Lovers’ Special

October 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Bushwick, Crazy People 

Bushwick chicken lovers rejoice, Miss Heather has found the apartment for you! Where, you ask? Where else: that magical place called Craigslist!

Cornelia Street Chicken Coop

I don’t know, $1,400 sounds like an awful lot of money for this neighborhood. Chickens or not. I cry fowl.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Thanks for passing this along James. This made my day.

Bogart Street Stinky Shit Sign

September 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage, Williamsburg 

Last week I found the following little fella on Bogart just north of Moore Street.

Clean up your shit

I would have missed this splendid sign had I not been busy watching the sidewalk for dog bombs (and there were plenty, believe you me). The visual representation of the stench wafting up from the pile of poo is a nice touch. Then again, what else would we expect from the artists’ haven that is East Williamsburg, Bushwick, East Williamsburg— I give up: here?

Miss Heather

Belvidere Street: The New Freeman?

September 21, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic 

I recently had to moderate a most curious comment regarding my latest post about Freeman Street. Jeffrey writes:

I actually don’t find this entertaining or funny. I live on Freeman and have a kid, and I am so sick of people acting like idiots around here. 100 Freeman is an illegal loft building. They never shovel their sidewalk in winter. A few weeks ago, we saw a guy doing crack on the sidewalk outside the building at 2 in the afternoon. People never pick of dog shit on Freeman, and I’m not pointing fingers, but there’s a lot of dogs in that building. Why can’t people grow the hell up! I’m about to move to Park Slope with the other adults.

When I was looking to move seven or so years ago, Greenpoint was on my list of neighborhoods to research. In order to make an informed decision as to whether or not I would commit to moving here, I made numerous trips to the neighborhood and walked around. I like to get a feel for what I might be obligating myself to ahead of time. My main criteria were:

  1. Access to transportation
  2. Good grocery stores
  3. Personal Safety

Greenpoint passed with flying colors, but I also noted there were a lot of drunks, crack heads and overall chicanery to be found. This was the compromise I had to make. I have learned that waiting for people to “grow up” as Jeffrey put it, is a fruitless effort. Most don’t. Even Especially in Park Slope*. Which brings me to this, my final and finest Freeman Street story.

It was 2:00 a.m., and after a late dinner and cocktails, my friend Chin needed to walk her dog. I went to bed (a decision I regret to this day, read on and find out why); my husband accompanied her. They went to Freeman Street. As they approached Manhattan Avenue they saw something moving on the sidewalk. Assuming it was a homeless person, they paid it no mind. Fifteen feet away they finally noticed what it was— and it noticed them; it was two people fucking. Right on the sidewalk. Outside of Tommy’s Tavern. Twenty feet away from Manhattan Avenue.

It was an awkward moment for everyone involved: the fucker, the fuckee, my husband, my friend— even her dog.

The point I am getting at with this story is this: weird shit happens here— and some of it is funny. To expect things to change is, in my humble opinion, ridiculous. This is New York City. If someone sees fit to fornicate al fresco, he (and/or she) is going to do it. The previous is not exclusively a Greenpoint avocation either.

Pump and Shit

Looks like something happened.

Blue Condom

Safe sex was involved.

Yellow Condom

Quite a bit of it.

Broken Pump

And it was good enough to break the heel off a nice shoe. Wow.

Of course the punchline is where I found the above tableau…

Belvidere and Beaver

The intersection of Belvidere and Beaver Street in… drumroll please…

Bushwick.

Miss Heather

*Go to The Tea Lounge and see for yourself.

When Advertecture Attacks: Bushwick Style

September 20, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick 

Today’s example of legally questionable signage hails from Bushwick, 11206.

Your health is our concern

Call me cynical, but obstructing the windows of an apartment building strikes me as being rather unhealthy. Especially in the event of a fire. Those of you who care to view this exercise in irony (and poor product placement) can find it at 593 Bushwick Avenue.

593 Bushwick Avenue

I realize the previous is a pretty obscure thoroughfare*, so I have thoughtfully linked to a map lest anyone from the Department of Buildings (or the F.D.N.Y.) cares to investigate it.

Miss Heather

*This is sarcasm.

Montrose Avenue Mystery

September 19, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage 

As I reported last month, even Bushwick’s dog shit signs are getting a face lift in anticipation the numerous “hip” and “affluent” people who will (undoubtedly) flock to this up and coming neighborhood. Hell, when I see a masterpiece like this it makes me want to tell my landlord to go fuck himself and hop on the next B43 bus. Just kidding.

Anyhoo, as I was walking down Montrose Avenue today I noticed the now infamous sign at 165 has been replaced again!

If I catch you…

Note the use of red marker and black quotation marks. I’m not too sure what’s up with the black lines, though. Follows is a picture of its predecessor.

8/9/07

I have to say I prefer the typography on this one, but nothing beats the original.

3/20/07

If any of “you” yes, you know the story behind this latest change in signage please shoot me an email; I’m dying to know.

Miss Heather

UNSAVORY

September 19, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

It

In keeping with this week’s Newtown Creek stink spirit, today I present to you an article from the August 24, 1881 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Although a little longer than I prefer to post, this tome paints a very clear picture of how long this body of water has been permitted to fester. Not only was it used a dumping ground by petroleum refiners, but savory stuff such as vitriol and offal were thrown in for good measure. Enjoy!

BDE 8/24/1881

It has come to my attention that a number of Brooklynites think Newtown Creek is exclusively a Greenpoint problem: it isn’t. The photo at the beginning of this post was taken in English Kills. Don’t know where that is? No problem, here’s a map.

I have been advised that anyone who is interested in (seeing and) smelling the stench firsthand (and yes, I have gotten inquiries of this nature) should contact the Newtown Creek Alliance. You can be directed to their web site by clicking here.

Miss Heather

(please write your response)

September 13, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick 

Someone in Bushwick Hates White People

I found the above poster on Moore Street after patronizing one of the “ghetto Starbucks” I have heard so much buzz about lately. After searching high and low for an eightball, all I got was a lousy bottle of seltzer and a little repartee instead.

9 Year Old Boy: Anyone who has hair that color looks like they came from the circus.
Me: (circus escapee, turning around)
10 Year Old Girl: I think it’s pretty.
Me
(smiling to the store owner and children): Thank you. I am not from the circus, by the way. I am from Greenpoint.

(laughter)

It has long been my experience that having a sense of humor and treating people with respect can turn almost any situation around. I am not so stupid or arrogant as to believe there are no legitimate reasons why this child (or the author of the above missive which, THANK GOD, is NOT a haiku) harbors a belligerent attitude towards “white people”. Speaking as one such “white person” who has had a fair amount of abuse leveled at her from other “white people” over the years— usually for the way I lookedI empathize with them.

A little compassion goes a long way. Too bad there aren’t more “white people” who practice it. The world would be a much nicer place if they did.*

Miss Heather

*Then again, what would I know? I live in the big top that is Greenpoint after all. Our need for over-priced and over-sweetened coffee has been filled by a corporate entity: we have a Starbucks.

Beware!

September 12, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick 

White Street Couch

Judging by how painstakingly this couch (which is located on White Street, just south of Johnson Avenue) is “gift wrapped” I strongly suspect it contains six-legged presents of the biting kind. All you Bushwick bedbuggers out there take note: do not bring home the Naugahyde sofa on White Street. You’ll be glad you did(n’t)!

Miss Heather

North Brooklyn Street Theater

August 25, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic 

This evening my husband and a number of friends went out to dinner. Among the people present was my friend Chin who I have known for years. She lives in Bushwick and I (of course) live in Greenpoint. Over dinner the subject of neighborhood spectacles was brought to the table and as luck would have it, I had a choice morsel to share from this morning.

Before I go to the junk shop I swing by the Garden and pick up a few refreshments. This morning was no different— save something I overheard a man shouting into his cell phone on Java Street:

Welcome to the suicide hotline. Your call is important to us, so please stay on the line for the next available operator.

This elicited a chorus of chuckles from the table, as well it should. Then my buddy Chin remembered something she overheard recently. During the commission of a crime, no less.

She was at the Duck Duck Bar. After snatching a woman’s laptop computer, a pair of young toughs bolted out of this establishment. A handful of hipsters gave chase. The teenage thieves were caught, but not before tossing out one of the finest anti-hipster insults I have ever heard (albeit second-hand):

I can get a gun before you can get a job!

Someone should make a t-shirt with this phrase emblazoned on it. I know I’d buy one. How about you?

Miss Heather

Upcoming Events in North Brooklyn

August 23, 2007 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Second Line Promo

Ad Hoc Art is having an opening this Saturday, August 25th from 6:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. The group show is entitled Second Line: Art and Film related to the Gulf Coast and features a piece from a former Greenpointer/neighbor of mine, Deborah Fisher. For more details, click on the above image and you will be directed to Ad Hoc’s web site or give them a call at:

Ad Hoc Art
49 Bogart Street (between Seigel and Grattan)
Brooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 366-2466
www.adhocart.org

In related Bushwick/artistic news, 3rd Ward is having an open call for submissions for an upcoming show entitled Art Ate New York. Those of you who are interested in entering this “renegade art competition” need to:

Create something public, profound and just left-of-legal and you will have a chance of winning loot/fame. We are looking for renegade sculpture, poster-work, performance, spray-can-art or anything else we haven’t thought of. It must be publicly placed.

As you can imagine, yours truly is quite interested in this opportunity. If my $50,000 of student loan debt gave me anything (other than a great education and more than a few gray hairs), it provided me a forum to act out in any manner I saw fit and get good grades for it. Maybe I’ll reprise Miss Heather’s Hunny Hut, a concession stand dedicated to augmenting mixed drinks by adding copious amounts of Ready Whip and beating them into frothy perfection using a Black and Decker Drill with a large rubber dildo affixed to it? Then again, maybe I won’t. As Professor Ping said in Barbarella:

…who knows, genius is mysterious!

Even if I don’t win, if the person who does allows me to use his/her winning prize of a three month supply of Red Bull for cocktail fodder, I would still consider it a good use of my time.

To get the full lowdown and competition specs, click here.

3rd Ward
195 Morgan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11206
www.3rdwardbrooklyn.org

Night of the Living Zedd

As I mentioned in an earlier post, East Coast Aliens is hosting the first of a series of Nick Zedd films (featuring the one and only Rev Jen) this upcoming Sunday evening. For more details, check out their web site or click here.

Green Dome Flyer

Lastly, there will be a fundraiser for Greenburg’s (or Williamspoint’s) very own Dome Garden Monday, August 27th at Enid’s. This garden (just across the street from the universe’s very own Garden Spot) is a lovely respite from the increasingly corporate (and ugly) character of the neighborhood surrounding it. Even if an evening at Enid’s strikes you as being pure hell, please pitch in to this great cause. Donate, volunteer, whatever suits you. Just do it!

Miss Heather

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