More Fun With Long Island City

August 19, 2008 ·
Filed under: Long Island City, Queens 

My modest proposal for a little pubic public art in McCarren Park has proven to be surprisingly popular. I don’t know why. I suppose people are into that sort of thing. More importantly I enjoyed doing it— so I have decided to do a series of public art project proposals for New York Shitty. Today’s target: Long Island City.

This is the Pepsi Cola sign which graces Long Island City’s waterfront. It has been moved because it was interfering with development. More accurately, it blocked the “view” the pampered peeps who are buying into the Long Island City lifestyle so desperately desire. Good for them.

This is Gantry Park. Note the lack of people. Sort of strange for an unseasonably cool Sunday afternoon in August. Maybe piers, plant life and Pepsi signs do not appeal to the Long Island City demographic? What will it take to entice Long Island Cityslickers to enjoy the waterfront parks my neighborhood so sorely lacks? I know: ART! But from whom?

Paul McCarthy! Who else?!?

What’s more my proposal* has an additional benefit: it gives Manhattan an eyeful as well!

Miss Heather

*This is parody. If you live in Long Island City and are angered by the thought of an inflatable sow blocking your view of Manhattan, think about this: at least you get to look at her face.

Fresh Direct Is Keeping Cool, How About You?

August 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Long Island City, Queens 

I have a confession to make: I’m a bit grumpy today. Those of you who have sent me emails and have not gotten a reply, it’s nothing personal. I am simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

The reasons I am cantankerous are triple fold:

  1. Despite my hyper-vigilant slathering of 35 SPF sunblock, I missed a spot yesterday and got burned. It’s a small area mind you, but it is located in an irritating as hell location: the back of my neck.
  2. I cleaned out the refrigerator today. Disgusting as usual.
  3. I beheld the following in the bathroom while executing point #2.

The Mister and I have gotten into some interesting arguments discussions about his habit of throwing plastic bottles into the bathroom trash can. Here’s an excerpt from one such dialog from last weekend.

Miss Heather: Man, do not throw the (excised)ing plastic bottles away in the bathroom garbage can!
Mr. Heather: I didn’t throw them away.
Miss Heather: ?
Mr. Heather: I placed them there until we bag the recycling.

There are a couple faults with the logic Mr. Heather chose to employ, but I will leave the more apparent one for you to mull over. Rather, I would like to deconstruct the following sentence to illustrate the other:

I put them there until we YOU bag up the recycling.

I will readily admit I am not the most tidy person in the world— but I am not the filthiest either. For this reason I do not like picking through a basket teeming with dirty Q-tips and the usual niceties to be found IN A BATHROOM GARBAGE CAN to place plastic bottles in the recycling bag. A bag, I will remind you, that is only LOCATED FOUR FEET AWAY.

Such a task adds fuel to my ire. Especially when bending over makes the top I am wearing rub against my sunburn, creating a sensation not unlike someone using 24 grit sandpaper on my person. Very unpleasant indeed!

The way I see it I can either deprogram my husband of this habit, wear a Hazmat suit every time I go outdoors or wage war against global warming. The first is futile and the second is impractical so I will direct my attention to the latter most.

This is Long Island City. Note the numerous condominiums and the fleet of Fresh Direct trucks which (undoubtedly) service their culinary needs. I made a rather interesting discovery yesterday during my trip up shit creek. One which I would like to share with you here.

I have never patronized Fresh Direct nor do I ever intend to. After learning about their labor practices last year there is no way in hell I am giving this business any of my hard-earned money. What is wrong with simply buying groceries from a grocery store or a produce stand like a normal person? It’s probably better for the environment.

Miss Heather

My Trip Up Shit Creek

August 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Queens, Williamsburg 

I was invited at the last minute to tag along on a boat trip along Greenpoint’s very own Riviera: none other than Newtown Creek! Channel 13 needed to shoot some footage of it yesterday for some online project/pilot they are working on. I was advised to keep quiet —and for the most part I did —except when my enthusiasm got the better of me. As you will see in this little film/slide show I made for your entertainment. Enjoy!

Between the Mister and I we took approximately 500 photographs. You can look forward to seeing highlights of our stygian journey up shit creek on Flickr** in a day or two. Now if you don’t mind, I have a mild sunburn to salve. Ouch!

Miss Hater Heather***

*August 19, 2008: I have been asked by the “friend” who invited me on this boat ride and some imperial wizard from Channel 13 (online) to remove my video from You Tube. The latter writes:

…it makes me a little uncomfortable to have other people reporting on the same thing which I hired a boat to capture. I don’t have any problem with you posting photos or stories about the trip but the video just happens to be exactly why we were there and sort of crosses lines of exclusivity.

I never knew Newtown Creek was so exclusive. I just thought it stank like hell. And got a lot of publicity of late because Senator Clinton jumped on the Superfund bandwagon. But what would I know? I’ve only lived here for eight years and get giddy when I see used condoms floating on Greenpoint’s Gold Coast!

Here’s a revised version of my movie:

**You can see photographs from my trip by clicking here.

***It would appear that I have made a friend (or two) in Jackson Heights. For the record, I really liked this neighborhood and plan to go back there more often. I happen to be a BIG fan of Mohammed Rafi and Bollywood music in general; I cannot wait to haunt their music shops! Sure “Jack Heights” doesn’t have Coney Island White Fish, but I am willing to overlook that. I see plenty of those here at home. 😉

Subway Posters du Jour: L.I.C. Vs. Greenpoint

August 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

Everyone knows that Long Island City has a reputation for being a haven of ladies of the evening. Queens Crap has written about it (on more than one occasion). Mr. Heather has even had the pleasure of riding the B61 bus while a satisfied customer crowed to his buddy via cell phone:

I banged her twice for $300!

Yes, it would appear that prostitutes are to Long Island City what Colt 45 thievery and pageantry are to Williamsburg (or alcoholism is to Greenpoint): a dubious, but highly documented distinction. One which I recently learned merited special mention at 23rd – Ely Avenue.

My parents always impressed upon me the value of getting a good education. While I cannot say that it has netted me much in the way of compensation, I do consider it time (and money) well spent. But I realize not everyone likes to hit the books as much as I do. Some people require slight different forms of motivation: for them there is Keller Business School…

or the Queens-bound platform of the Crosstown Local at Greenpoint Avenue. Shortly after I took the above photograph a man sporting the ubiquitous iPod with earbud combo stopped in front of this poster and roared:


Watch out Long Island City. Your next pupil (or john) just might hail from the Garden Spot of the Universe!

Miss Heather

Long Island City Photo du Jour: Bushit

August 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Long Island City 

From 21st Street.

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Real Estate Rhetoric Part II

July 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Long Island City 

“L” is for Laughable.

“M” is for My, my what a horrible location.

“N” is for No one in their right mind would pay top dollar for this.

“O” is for Oh my, was that semi that just roared by my living room?!?

And last, but not least, “P” stands for Pulaski Bridge.

Miss Heather

Press Conference At Newtown Creek

It got off to a late start but the press conference conducted by Nydia Velazquez, Anthony Weiner* and Joseph Lentol came to pass without a hitch. For those of you who were unable to attend this event, the following footage should give you some idea of its purpose: goading the Federal government to declare the area around Newtown Creek a Superfund site.

Here is the second half where Craig Michaels, legal counsel from Riverkeeper, and Assemblyman Joseph Lentol speak.

It looks like Ms. Velazquez and I agree on two things: the 2008 FISA Amendment Act sucks** and our community has waited long enough for a thorough clean-up of many a score of environmental abuse. 2026 is not good enough. We deserve better.

Miss Heather

P.S.: The new park where this press conference was held (and is still not open to the public) has already been given a hearty Greenpoint welcome!

Doggie dumplings.

*Who laughed when I waved at a passing Watertaxi and exclaimed:

Welcome to one of the most polluted waterways in the United States!

**I originally stated in this post she voted in favor of this act. This is not true. Ms. Velazquez voted against it. It was passed anyway.

Models Galavanting In Our Misery

July 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy, Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Queens, Williamsburg 

I will not disclose who I received this (forwarded) email from because I like— and much more importantly respect— said person. Regardless, as a citizen who lives in a neighborhood teeming with environmental fuck-ups I do not appreciate the tone of said message. Hence why I am posting it here on New York Shitty:

Thanks for getting back to me… (insert name, lol). I’ve shot at DUMBO already and so has everyone else, it’s considered overdone! The more grittier locations are what’s good for high fashion. Aggregate is like a sand and coal mixture, I think it’s used for paving… anyway, they store this stuff in huge piles so it forms pyramids or mountains and it looks really cool (I attached a few images). The only thing is that I can’t seem to find out where the compounds are…

The cement plant at the Morgan Avenue Stop of the L immediately comes to mind. But if any of you, dear readers, can think of abject sites in Brooklyn (Queens, Staten Island or the Bronx) which complement sinuous models clad in glamorous apparel email me at missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com. I’ll forward them.

Miss Heather

Upcoming Newtown Creek Boat Tours

July 4, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Williamsburg 

As my colleague at the Gowanus Lounge noted yesterday, the Brooklyn Center for The Urban Environment will be conducting a boat tour of Newtown Creek July 13 from 9:30 a.m. until noon. For those of you who are unable to attend this event (or simply wish to avoid the heat), the Newtown Creek Alliance will be conducting another boat tour Sunday, September 14th.

I took this tour last year and I plan to do so again this year. Believe you me, it is an experience you will not soon forget. Those of you who wish to make reservations or want to learn more should contact the Newtown Creek Alliance at:


Be sure to indicate you are interested in the “Creek Cruise” in the subject line.

Regardless of which tour you take, if you live in Greenpoint, “East Williamsburg” or western Queens and really want to know the environmental issues in your ‘hood, you must see (and smell) Newtown Creek yourself. Not only will you truly comprehend how big of an environmental disaster Newtown Creek is, but it will also make you wonder why no effective measures have been taken to remediate it.

I once overheard a father giving his daughter a piece of advice on the E train. It was as follows:

The most patriotic thing you can do is tell your government they’re wrong.

Make your reservation, pack your cooler, see for yourself and be a “patriot”.

Miss Heather

Kosciuszko Bridge Photos du Jour: Sunset

July 3, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

Greenpoint and Manhattan as seen from Dutch Kills, Queens.

Miss Heather

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