Greenpoint
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Culture on the Cheap
The Greenpoint 10
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
It has recently come to my attention that Only The Blog Knows Brooklyn is soliciting suggestions for this year’s Park Slope 100. I mentioned this to my husband over dinner last weekend. As soon as the words left my lips we both shouted in unison:
Greenpoint should have something like this!
Now, thanks to more than a little inspiration from OTBKB, it does. With a few significant modifications, mind you. Here they are:
- Unlike my compatriot to the south, I am not taking nominations. New York Shitty is not a democracy. It has been my experience that one of the biggest problems with any democratic process is the opinion of an idiot and that of normal person are given equal weight. Those of you who may be wondering what the end result of this practice is need only look at who inhabits the White House nowadays. Yeah, (c)HIM(p).
- Since I am going it alone, my list will contain only ten people. No neighborhood has 100 people worth the use of bandwidth anyway. Sorry.
- Criteria: None, really. Just people (and perhaps a thing or two) that make Greenpoint, well, Greenpoint.
- Because it struck me as being a sterling idea, each installment of the Greenpoint Ten will feature a special motivational poster to uplift your spirits. But enough bullshit, let’s get down to business!
Numbers 9 and 10:
If I had to pick one location to describe Greenpoint, it would be the intersection Manhattan and Greenpoint Avenue. This is the very soul of the Garden Spot. It also happens to be where a number of intoxicated homeless people spend a great deal of time.
But let us not view the glass as being half empty. Most of you looking at the above photo probably just see two bums passed out on discarded furniture. I, on the other hand, see ACCOMPLISHMENT!
Those sofas didn’t just walk to Greenpoint Avenue, you know. These men worked as a team and overcame a number of obstacles (among them being drunk as hell) to actualize their placement there. I for one find it inspiring to see these men enjoying the fruits of their hard liquor, hard labor and —dare I say it— TEAMWORK.
Greenpoint Success.
Congratulations guys, you’ve made it to the Greenpoint Ten! Mazel Tov.
Stay tuned: Next Thursday I will unveil #8!
Miss Heather
Bedford Avenue Is…
Filed under: Williamsburg
a lot of things to a lot of people. Some people like it, other people hate it. Regardless of your stand on this subway stop, dear readers, I can state with 100% certainty that we all can agree upon one thing: most people can’t afford it. It would appear that someone who patronizes the North 7 Street and Driggs Avenue entrance of the L train shares this sentiment. As I learned today.
How very true.
Thanks Rebecca11222 for forwarding me this great image!
Miss Heather
The Howling
Filed under: Area 51
Yesterday a new(ish) construction site made it onto my shit list: 158 India Street. After seemingly an eternity (and a couple stop work orders) they are busy building the four story, eleven apartment masterpiece slated to grace this parcel of property.
The first thing which crossed my mind when I saw the above was “Gee, it looks like they might undermine that building”. The owner of said house seems to agree with my assessment: he (or she) has complained to the Department of Buildings about just this. Repeatedly.
Bad construction practices aside, these guys found my interest in their site a source of excitement. In their pants. The surveyor (depicted in the above photo) alerted his minions to my presence and one of them (who was standing behind the fence) saw fit to howl at me. Sexy.
You know, it’s been a long time since a gainfully employed hunk of man made a pass my direction.
A
VERY.
LONG.
TIME.
Realizing the exciting opportunity I had on my hands, I mulled over his offer. I decided to make a counter offer:
Go fuck yourself!
I do not want to encourage online gambling (it’s a fool’s avocation), but I cannot help but wonder when (and that’s just it, WHEN) these guys will be hit with their next Stop Work Order. Aside from numerous complaints about undermining the adjacent property, they have been nailed for doing work contrary to the plans filed with the Department of Buildings and seem to have a chronic problem keeping their paperwork in order. Probably because they’re too busy letting hormones get the better of them.
I give them one month.
Thoughts, anyone?
Miss Heather
P.S.: Those of you who want to learn about underpinning should click here. The D.O.B. has a nice little presentation to share with you.
Define-a-Thon Tonight At Word Books
Filed under: Area 51
It has come to my attention that Word Books will be hosting their first Define-a-thon this evening at 8:00 p.m. What is a “Define-a-thon”, you ask. Well, the email I received announcing this event sheds some light on this:
Move over spelling bee. Just because you can spell a word doesn’t mean you know how to use it. From the editors of The American Heritage Dictionary comes the Define–a–Thon, a competitive word challenge.
Illiteracy is a sad truth in our society. Little brains trying to use big words (our Chimp in Chief immediately comes to mind) is another. Go to this event. Maybe you’ll even learn a new word or two to perplex our fearless leader with.
Nothing breaks Miss Heather’s heart more than telling someone to go fuck fornicate himself only to get a blank expression in return:
An insult is a terrible thing to waste.
If the previous isn’t sufficient motivation for you, dear readers to attend the Define-a-Thon maybe this is: I have been told there will be prizes for the winners.
Word Books
126 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-0096
Miss Heather
Bad Finger
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
As some of you may have noticed, I have had a “thing” for the Department of Buildings of late. My reasons for disliking this agency are too plentiful to go into here. Let’s just say I think a thorough cleansing of the department from top to bottom wouldn’t hurt. In fact, I bet there are a few overworked, motivated and (dare I say it) honest inspectors under their employ who would back me up on this. If such a person is reading this, please shoot me an email. I would love to talk to you.
But I digress.
Today’s installment of Greenpoint goodness involves a former building inspector turned landlord, a disgruntled tenant and a finger. No not that finger. I am speaking of the kind of finger which usually graces one’s hand. Usually. Therein lies the crux of the following tale of digital divestiture from the August 18, 1878 edition of the New York Times entitled “A Strange Hospital Tale”. Enjoy!
Bedbugs aren’t the only things that will bite you in Greenpoint. Fuck those candy-ass “Beware of Dog” signs; they should make one which reads Beware of Tenant!
Miss Heather
The Shit Crawler Strikes Back!
Some of you might remember I entered a competition last month entitled Art Ate New York. Well, the curators have curated. The judges are in the process of deciding upon a winner. But it has been determined by yours truly a long ago, win or lose, that sticking Jawas in scat is WHERE IT’S AT! My reasons for the previous assertion are numerous, but one of them is you get emails like the one I got yesterday from Artists Wanted.
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the final round for the Art Ate New York competition. Do you have higher res versions of your images? We are going to be making the final decision on the winner this week, but also want to show your images to some curators and magazine editors… Also, we’d like to show your images projected at our event (!!! —Ed. Note) scheduled for Friday, October 19th. 300 dpi 8×10 is great, but any higher res size will be good… Also, if you have a web site you use to promote yourself, send that address as well.
So there have you. Of course, what would the Shit Crawler have been without the rather sculptural pile of dog shit accompanying it? Whoever you are, inconsiderate Greenpoint dog owner, please accept this humble expression of my sincerest gratitude. I couldn’t have done it without you.
And your canine companion.
Those of you who wish to behold the glory that is the Greenpoint Shit Crawler (albeit in SoHo, not in situ) will have your chance next week:
Art Ate New York: Renegade Art Show
October 19, 7:00 p.m. – 1:00 a.m.
Red Bull Gallery
40 Thompson Street (at Broome), Manhattan
Miss Heather
Gentrification Rears Its Ugly Head at Greenpoint Bodega!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Today I walked by a former haunt of mine: the bodega on Manhattan Avenue just north of Clay Street. As a former resident of Clay Street I know this bodega well (where else are you going to buy maxi pads at ten o’clock at night?). Or do I? As I found myself wondering today.
“75 CENT” for a cup of coffee!?! OUTRAGEOUS! And to think I was once a regular patron of yours, Manhattan Avenue bodega. First it’s 10 oz. cups. Next you’ll be giving people free music with their over-priced, sugar-laden coffee products*.
You disgust me.
Miss Heather
*Like You Know Who down the street.
***Newflash: 48 Box Street***
Filed under: Area 51
They are not working at 48 Box Street today. REPEAT:
THEY ARE NOT WORKING.
Thanks to a breakthrough in modern science they don’t have to. They use special self-laying bricks instead!
Miss Heather
At Last: Someone Taking on Greenpoint Vice
This person resides at 102 Norman Avenue and he isn’t putting up with any shit.
WARNING: Smoking while feeding pigeons at this location might be hazardous to your health.
And anyone planning to do, uh, anything else: take two signs ordering you to fuck off and call me in the morning. Doctor’s orders.
Miss Heather
P.S.: On inexplicably-related note those of you who choose to walk in front of the Bank of America on Manhattan Avenue should watch where you step. Otherwise you might trip over a slab of meat. That beats the shit out of a free toaster any day— though it is not remotely as enticing as watching homeless people take a shit or fornicate in the lobby of Citibank down the street!
Greenpoint Becoming More Bicycle Friendly?
Filed under: Area 51
Anyone who lives north of India Street can attest that the city has been quite busy resurfacing the streets lately. Even lowly Freeman Street got a makeover.
Being a die hard pedestrian I might be wrong, but this looks like an attempt to make this neighborhood a little more bicycle friendly. Now if only the city would make some of the bicyclists hereabouts a little friendlier by forcing them to dismount their bikes when they cross the Pulaksi Bridge.
Miss Heather
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