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Culture on the Cheap
Fun with Craigslist, Part I
Yesterday I found myself taking a trip down memory lane. On Monday I asked the proprietor of The Gowanus Lounge if I could guest-author his weekly “Missed Connections” feature for the next couple of weeks. He agreed to let me do so, but admonished me that some of the stuff to be found there is pretty foul. I assured him that I was already quite prepared for the utter depravity that would be laid before me because a former hobby of mine (at my last full-time job) was putting up prank ads on this very site. A number of them made it to the “Best of” page too.
Let’s take one of my finer opuses, shall we? It is entitled “Wanted: Total Shitbag“:
Good Afternoon Gents,
In four days my boyfriend (who lives halfway across the country) will be moving in with me. He is a very nice person, too, if I say so myself.
Perhaps it’s cold feet or the jitters, but somehow I feel like part of my life has slipped me by. This is where YOU come in: I need a total scum-sucking piece of s*** to remind me how good I have it. Exercise the endless resources of your imagination and your God-given talents. In the interest of getting the ball rolling I will throw out the following suggestions:
1. I am 32, so obviously I need a man who is AT LEAST in his mid-40s. I am way too long in the tooth for anything less. If you happen to be around 32 years of age and male, be sure to remind me of this. Constantly.
2. Creepy men who like petite women with red hair and/or small chests: I have both. (WOOHOO!)
3. Creepy men who DO NOT like petite women with red hair and/or small breasts. Remind me of this continuously— especially when a taller, choicer, Maxim-esque surgically-altered morsel walks by. *Bonus points* if you yourself are an overweight sack of pus.
4. Be a lazy sack of s***: I just threw out a roommate 2 months ago that never saw fit to hold down a job or pay his bills. He also smelled like ass, but nonetheless my l’il heart STILL goes pitter pat when I recall scooping up a pair is his skidmarked tighty whities off bathroom floor or paying out $300+ on electricity bills he never paid. (sniffle, sniffle…)
5. I can pretend to have a sister or roommate, if you will pretend to screw her behind my back.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Miss Guided
It may not surprise some of you, but I got a lot of responses to this ad. Approximately 50 if my memory serves me correctly. Who knew there were so many shitbags in New York Shitty— much less on Craigslist?
Follows is the first installment of my favorite respondents. Those of you who harbor a low opinion of the human race please be advised that reading the following material will only provide sound justification for your misanthropy. The previous caveat having been written, let’s see us some shitbags!
A few of them got the joke and responded in kind:
I’m your man except for one small problem. If you talk the way you write I might be laughing my ass off the whole time I’m trying to convince you that your leap into committment is the most perfect move you could make right now. But you should know my laugh is one of the most obnoxious on the planet. I’m in my fifties, I’m married, and I’m cruising “women seeking men” on craigslist. That’s a decent start at shitbagdom, wouldn’t you say? I’m a screenwriter and if you think that’s a cool profession I’ll disabuse you of that notion in a few nanoseconds. I don’t wash my hands after I pee so you can be pretty certain of urine residue when we shake hands. I have endless erotic fantasies about petite women with red hair and small breasts and if you come anywhere near one of those fantasies I can promise you R. Crumb-like bulging eyes and pints of drool plus long disquisitions on how I like to masturbate thinking about petite redheads. Overweight? I’m working on it by downing endless pitchers of beer. Won’t it be helpful to have a slurring drunk talking about sports, lying about the size of his dick, leeringly going on about petite women with small tits (I won’t use the word breasts in front of you). My wife and kids are out of town for the week so I’ll be able to make you sick to your stomach with my suggestion that you and I climb in the sack and I cheat on this wonderful family. Trust me, you won’t be able to trust me for a second and you’ll realize in a flash, call it scumbag satori, that you’ve found the perfect match in Mr. Flying In From Wherever (who I can guarantee you I will dump on at every opportunity trying to prove I’m oh so much better than he is).
I could go on but you’ve got to see this one in person to get the full effect. I’m a royal nightmare to look at. And no I won’t send a pic because if you’re going to convince yourself of Mr. FIFW’s goodness due to my badness I’m at least getting you to pay for a drink or two. Others may claim they can do the job but as I said above, I’m your man. References on demand.
Max (that’s not my real name)
sweetheart. I think you touched my soul. I am in deep eyegazing, sunrise love with you and I need to take you on the date of your life. a romantic walk trough the park just to smell flowers and touch your hair. suddenly, I might stop and get on a knee to touch your bare foot to my heart.
your everlasting prince,
Donald Juaner
Even more of them got the joke— but you know what they say— HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL:
Now that is genius. Really. curiiousity does not even begin to describe it. I can be all of the above. with some inspiration. i am 37.
Very creative posting. I’m not a shitbag, but since you’re really not looking for one, we should talk. I do like petite redheads.
Others seemed to be just plain confused:
Dear miss guided…OK…not that I want to call myself a piece of shit…but I could not help but to respond to your add. I loved it. Ihave a thing for petite red heads with smalls breasts, so there is the creepy part. I can treat you badly, if you are really looking for that. Just wondering if it was a serious add. Too long in the tooth…u? come on. would love to start a dialog get back.
I don’t get this. Is it a joke? If not, what’s the goal?
I’m not too sure what this guy was thinking, but here it is anyway…
trust me they are all full of crap just trying to get laid I bet all those sissies who responded are all part of that gay army over in Chelsea lolll must be a lot of tough gay boys in this city lollllll
One kindly soul tried to save me from myself (BAD NEWS: It’s too late!)
You really need help…..Your falling off the deep end. If you are having doubts then you need to re-think this. If he cares for you and more importantly YOU care about him then give it a try. Just don`t be too dumb, remember men have needs and if you don`t treat them right they WILL wonder… TRUST ME
Stayed tuned for tomorrow’s exciting (and final) installment where Miss Heather not only learns of an exciting career opportunity, but also receives a bona fide offer for FREE HOUSECLEANING!
I’m just getting warmed up, kids.
JUST.
GETTING.
WARMED.
UP.
Miss Heather
A(nother) Very Special Thanks To BARC
Filed under: Area 51
It gives me great pleasure to announce that my former neighbor (and despoiler of my bedroom windows), Haile Selassie, has been adopted! While it saddens me that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him, it makes me happy to know he now has a home with someone who loves him. Once again, I cannot thank BARC enough for the great work they did getting Haile to trust people again (he loves head rubs but isn’t very big on having his nails clipped). I have no doubts that he is one very happy chap nowadays.
Otherwise it looks like BARC’s Annual Dog Parade and Show is slated for October 14th. I have been invited to participate in the parade and am very excited about it! Thanks again, guys (and gals)!
In closing I am going to leave you with this heart-meltingly cute YouTube flick of another kitty who was lucky enough to find his way to BARC. His name is Albert (as in Albert Einstein) and you can learn more about him and his siblings here.
ALBERT TAKES A BATH
If only my tummy was this cute!
Miss Heather
Thanks A Lot, Verizon!
Today’s New York Shitty posts will be delayed because telephone and Internet service are down in a sizable portion of Greenpoint right now. Being the lucky devil I am, I happen to live in the afflicted area. For those of you who are keeping count, this makes five outages in as many weeks for yours truly.
I am left with two options:
- Schlep down to my friend’s apartment in Bushwick and work from there.
- Wait until 8:10 this evening, which is when Verizon has assured me service will be restored.
I have yet to make a decision. Quite frankly, neither option is very appealing.
Thanks a lot FUCK YOU Verizon!Â
Miss Heather
Peter J. McGuinness… Art Lover?
Filed under: Area 51
This week’s installment of Greenpoint goodness features two things Miss Heather loves:
- Art
- Peter “Pete” J. McGuinness
Known to most as little more than the namesake of a rather lackluster bit of road in Greenpoint, “The McGuinness” (as he was called) is my role model. Loud-mouthed, crude, contrarian assholes like us tend to stick together, and besides, what can you not love about a man who once said (regarding Prohibition):
It’s a shame to allow whiskey to lie idle when there’s people at Death’s door that might be saved by it.
On top of a shared affection for intoxicating substances I recently learned that Pete and I have something else in common: we both are art lovers. Who knew? Here is an article from the February 22, 1935 edition of the New York Times entitled “Brooklyn Beckons To Civic Virtue”. Enjoy!
Do not let Pete’s colorful rhetoric fool you; this man was not stupid. His career surviving the Seabury Commission‘s investigation of Tammany Hall is a testament to his wiliness. And of course, being buddies with Fiorello La Guardia probably didn’t hurt either.
Those of you who are looking a slightly meatier piece of summer reading (and want to learn more about the Seabury Hearings and the fall of Tammany), check out Once Upon a Time in New York by Herbert Mitgang. While a little tedious here and there, it is completely worth taking the time to read.
Miss Heather
Congrats to Casa Mon Amour!
Filed under: Area 51
From today’s edition of the New York Post:
For those of you who are not in the know, Casa Mon Amour was the location of last month’s blogger meet-up here in Greenpoint. Had it not been for Beatrice’s hard work, gracious manners— and let us not forget— excellent cooking, it would not have been the smashing success it was.
Way to go Beatrice!
Miss Heather
P.S.: It is also nice to see that Vox Pop, the location of June’s blogger meet-up in Flatbush (which was organized by the incomparable Xris of Flatbush Gardener) got recognition. On top of being a nifty little bookstore, they have some kind of bio-dynamic and/or organic Syrah there that is among the tastiest I have ever had. If you’re in the area, give it a whirl!
A Couple of Activities for Art Lovers
Filed under: Area 51
Next month Greenpoint’s very own Cafe Grumpy will be hosting “The Hearts and Crafts Affair”. Those of you who are interested in participating can get more information by sending an email to:
theheartsandcraftsaffair (at) hotmail (dot) com
Cafe Grumpy
193 Meserole Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11222
www.cafegrumpy.com
Over in Long Island City I happened upon a devilishly hilarious show at Art-O-Mat L.I.C. Per the announcement on their web site:
Art-O-Mat is pleased to introduce cartoon artist Johnny Coughlan and present THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JOHNNY COUGHLAN. Reminiscent of the underground cartoon era, his world of unique characters and perspectives is filled with humor and truth. The work reveals an artist who is continually in search of self while at the same time confident in his world view. His ability to capture the contemplative mind is thoughtful and immediate. His skill at pinpointing the essence of self, the world around us, and our basic daily experience is complemented by his skillful graphic stylings
There is a simplicity that challenges the viewer to dig deeper into the human condition. At the same time Johnny Coughlan’s work sizzles and pops off the page. Johnny has an eye for the frail edges of our world and can push the absurdities into the forefront. At times he is talking to us through the use of signs that are his personally scribed Public Service Announcements. In some instances the signs are simple affirmations that reveal Coughlan’s inner struggle to move forward in life.
In the “Staffino†we snicker at the cynicism that rules the work place but the humor allows us to momentarily suspend resentment. The work depicts the basic nature of things as they are but leaves open the question of where we go from there. “Television†extolls the virtue of doing something that merits fame rather than being enamored with fame. It grabs at our ego long enough to suggest that fame might be best deserved by developing oneself from the inside out. There is a parable-like quality to many works. – in particular those that are virtual advertisements such as one that proclaims “Life – You figure it out.” His invented characters such as “Mouse Rabbit†deliver Zen messages. They promote healthy self development.
All the previous wordage may very well be true, but let’s face facts: this is just plain hilarious! Gallery hours are Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays from 12:00 – 7:00 p.m. or by appointment. For more details click on the above image (and you will directed to their website) or shoot them an email at:
artomat (at) licweb (dot) com
I cannot understate how great this show is. Do make it a point to check it out. It closes September 2nd.
Art-O-Mat L.I.C.
46-46 Vernon Avenue
Long Island City, New York 11101
Miss Heather
P.S.: Oh yeah, while you’re over in Long Island City check out the Borden Avenue Bridge. I did so for the first time recently. It’s really neat and an excellent place to take photographs!
A few thoughts about blogging
As I indicated in the previous post, I called into the Brian Lehrer Show this morning. Since I was not allowed to complete my thoughts about blogging (which extend far beyond gazing upon Brooklyn’s fuzzy gentrifying navel) I am going to post them here.
1. I believe blogs are assuming the role that was once assumed by local (INDEPENDENT) newspapers.
2. If I had to liken the proliferation of blogs (be they neighborhood-based or otherwise) to anything it would be the invention of the printing press. Prior to its invention the Roman Catholic Church was (more or less) the sole distributor/gate keeper of knowledge. With the ability to control what people read (or more importantly what people DON’T read) comes a lot of power. And we all know what absolute power does: it corrupts absolutely.
Shortly after the printing press came into being, Martin Luther quickly saw its potential and exploited it. The end result was a little thing called the Reformation. The ability to disseminate and share information is a very powerful tool; the mainstream media (as “gate keepers”) has begun to realize this and they starting to pay attention to the “blogosphere”. Albeit very, very selectively— which of course, is what happened today*.
I suppose I should be content with getting any air time at all and giving a shout-out to The Gowanus Lounge (which was curiously absent from this forum). But I’m not. Here is a list of blogs I wanted to mention on the air today.
Queens Crap: Sure, this is not a Brooklyn blog, but— and this is a big BUT— it deserves attention. Perhaps it may seem paradoxical to some of you, but I do not envision blogging purely as a Brooklyn endeavor. I suppose being located about 15 minutes from this borough gives me a much broader view of things. My neighborhood (and its “growing pains”) have much more in common with Long Island City or Sunnyside than Park Slope or Brooklyn Heights.
To purely focus on Brooklyn is not only an insult to the hard-working and very dedicated bloggers in the other four boroughs, but it also fosters a (somewhat) false notion that Brooklyn bloggers are a smug, clannish and contented lot of well-to-do “white people”. Once again, race was drug across the floor like a red herring and once again it worked.
Confusing race with “class” is astonishingly myopic and naive. One need not be a minority to be poor— but it helps. Contrary to popular belief, poverty is not an indicator of lack of discipline or personal worth. I speak from experience. Even though I was provided a very comfortable upbringing and excellent education, when I started working my lifestyle radically shifted. Downward.
As the incomparable Dorothy Parker once said:
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Some call me a “gentrifier”. I probably am. But as a person who lives in a rent-stabilized apartment (and does not have the luxury of or ability to buy a condo) in a “hot” neighborhood, I have the presence of mind to know I am in danger of being displaced. Just like my less-affluent (and largely Hispanic) neighbors. Their concerns and mine are one and the same.
Atlantic Yards Report: Norman Oder’s dedication and hard work should not be ignored. While we may not agree on some things, I cannot over-emphasize how important his work is. He deserves to be heard.
Outside.In: They seem to be paying attention to the recent (and ongoing) proliferation of Greenpoint bloggers.
Dave Kenny and Xris Kreussling, of Dope on the Slope and Flatbush Gardener respectively: It is one thing to bemoan the lack of diversity at the Brooklyn Blogfest, it is another to actually try and do something about it. Both of these gentleman were of vital importance in the creation of monthly blogger meet-ups. I mention this because Louise Crawford of Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn seems to be garnering most of the credit. Not only is this a tremendous disservice to both of the previous gentleman, it is downright false. I could not have organized last month’s meet-up without their help.
On that note, I have to say organizing the Greenpoint meet-up was very challenging. One of the obstacles I faced was the perception that this meet-up would be a repeat of the Brooklyn Blogfest. While I can understand that some might find “Smartmom” to be good reading over that first cup of coffee in the morning, the fact of the matter is many people do not. For this reason I made a concerted effort to contact people directly and to a certain degree it worked— although not in the manner I had expected. It was much better.
Not only did a lot of number of new faces show up, but they were very talented ones at that! Many of the attendees operate food-oriented blogs. To name a few of them:
In closing, I’d like to say that I am very excited about September’s meet-up in Bedford-Stuyvesant. My only fear is that today’s episode of the Brian Lehrer Show might have scared off a number of Brooklyn (or Queens) bloggers who would otherwise have been inclined to attend.
Including myself.
This post was brought to you courtesy of one 24 oz. can of Coors. Now back to our regular programming.
Miss Heather
*This is in no way intended to be critical of BushwickBK or Bed-Stuy Blog.
Cut off by Brian Lehrer!
Filed under: Area 51
As promised, I called in. Instead of allowing me to talk about anything of real substance, they put me on at the end of the show and cut me off. This is hardly surprising. If you want to hear the sugar sweet voice of yours truly say “New York Shitty” on the air go here.
Since I was not permitted to complete my thoughts, I will do so here later. Need to buy beer first.
Stay tuned.
Miss Heather
Belvedere Rising
Filed under: Area 51
I am awake at 7:00 a.m. On a Saturday.
The cats are fighting. Well, at least four of them are. The fifth one is sick.
The husband is milling about. He is already asking me why I am up so early. Soon he will want a cup of coffee. When he gets his cup of joe he will remember that I drank the last of the milk last night. A tantrum will most certainly follow.
I cannot think of a better way to express the Chateau de Ghetto love I am experiencing right now than to share with you a brand-spanking new Belvedere!
Or at least the site where it is going up: 218 Eckford Street.
As you can see, it is located right next door to a fellow Belvedere. I think this one is XII. Even I have trouble telling them apart sometimes. This is because there are (seemingly) a gazillion of them and they all LOOK FUCKING ALIKE! Sort of like Children of the Damned.
Here is a hallmark of what I like to call The Belvedere Style: a double door entrance awaiting a pretentious— yet cheap-looking— lintel bearing some arbitrarily determined set of Roman numerals. I wonder if the this one will be “XXX”? I can only hope so. If it is, I’ll be sure to celebrate by swilling down some delicious Belvedere Vodka.
What will those crazy folks over at Bridge Realty think of next? I for one would like to see Belvedere: The Musical.
Miss Heather
Newell Street Art Therapy
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Over the last several months I have become a connoisseur of construction fences. When you see enough of them (as I have) you begin to notice that each of them has its own personality: in this respect they are just like people. Occasionally I will find one that stands out from its peers, like this fence at 140 Newell Street.
Like you, I initially thought it was pretty unremarkable, if ugly. But after watching the tenants of 142 Newell exit their house and pause to glare at their new Fedders friend, I decided to go in for a closer look. I’m glad I did.
Looks like someone decided to engage in a little art therapy. I’m not too sure what those angry lines emanating from the chimney are. Maybe they are RPGs? Nonetheless, I found myself wondering if this exercise in wishful thinking was directed towards this construction site or the rusting black behemoth across the street.
I suppose only the artist knows for certain.
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
