I Am Squirrel, Hear Me Roar!
It’s Monday. For most people Monday sucks. Usually because it entails some unforeseen fuck up that happened at work over the weekend. You could settle for your boss yelling at you— or you could opt out for a much cuter option.
Meet Squirrel. This little guy’s eyes opened a few days ago. Now his mouth is compensating for it.
Now get back to work already!
Miss Heather
Photo/Kitty Credits: Lisacat. Anyone interested in adopting Squirrel (or the many other wonderful fur kids in her care) should contact Lisa at: lisacatv (at) yahoo (dot) com.
Ode To A Door Knob
Or as our friends across the pond like to say: door handle.
Few things are so pervasive, yet so uncelebrated as the lowly door knob. Think about it. How many emotionally charged moments in your life have involved this mundane servant of humanity?
- Have you ever been locked out of your apartment? That door knob was there to bear silent testimony to your plight (and wrath).
- Ever had a nasty argument with your significant other/spouse and elected to exit your apartment by making the dramatic statement of slamming the door? That door knob was your accomplice.
Door knobs are much more interesting than you think. I say this not only as a door knob user, but also as a drop-out from “professional workforce”. If a Human Resources Expert was to read my resume, he (or she) would deem me an abject failure. And in all fairness, I probably am. I, on the other hand, see it as ten (plus years) of wage slavery with a hefty helping of Schadenfreude (READ: blue chip cocktail party material) to assuage the pain of underemployment.
Which brings me back to door knobs.
At one point in my less than stellar career I worked as a Receptionist for a state agency that worked with victims of violent crime. The function of this entity was to give money to (uninsured) victims of violent crime to cover medical bills, “rape kits”, funerals, etc.
If you want to delve into humanity at its absolute worst a state crime victim’s board is the place to see it. If you can imagine it, I can assure you somebody has already done it. In the most vile and disgusting fashion possible. As a Receptionist I not only had to field calls from a lot of angry people wanting to know if/when their money (for example) their child’s anti-depressants will come (because the board had a backlog), but I also had to deal with a very dysfunctional staff. In other words it was the kind of job that made you want to go home and empty your liquor cabinet. EVERY NIGHT.
Nonetheless my lowly sinecure was darkly amusing at times.
CASE IN POINT
One of my (numerous) responsibilities was filing “crime blotter” clippings. One day I came across a gem and decided to bring it to the attention of one of my co-workers.
Miss H: Get a load of this. Some guy died of metallic poisoning. He had nuts and bolts in his stomach and a door knob shoved up his ass. The police called it a suicide*.
Caseworker: How old was he?
Miss H: I dunno, not young but not old. 40, I think.
Caseworker: He should have known better.
Miss H: ?
Caseworker: He was old enough to know better than to shove a door knob up his ass.
Not knowing what to make of this I retreated to the sanctity of my desk. I have never seen a door knob the same way since.
That is until last Saturday when I spied this beauty at The Thing.
Needless to say I have made this item my own. Living in an age where cheap and disposable schlockitecture is the norm in my neighborhood (and New York City in general) this is an all too sad reminder of a time when even the lowliest fixtures of a public institution were made to please the eye.
Barack Obama speaks of the audacity of hope. I wish to make a case for the audacity of beauty. Is this, for the best city on earth, too much to ask?
Miss Heather
P.S.: I wanted to install this fixture on our front door but it won’t fit. But being under 40 I can, with peace of mind, put it to a more nefarious use.
*It was later ruled a homicide. Duh.
Last Minute Gift Giving Ideas For Mother’s Day
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
A question I find myself asking more and more nowadays is as follows:
When we will we as a society pull our collective head out of our ass and get our priorities straight?
After all, I live in a neighborhood where:
- Luxury condominiums are the standard, yet more and more families are flooding into the local food pantry.
- Five banks can be found in a two block radius south of Greenpoint Avenue but nary such an institution can be found to the north.
- Bars are proliferating, but the selection of restaurants (unless of course, one likes Thai food— A LOT) is becoming more and more sparse.
Yes sir, if you love you some psychics, booze, Thai food, banks and pet supply stores, Greenpoint is the place to be. If you need to eat, buy housewares or something for Mother’s Day (like the rest of us) this arrangement presents certain challenges.
Which brings me to this.
This is the window at Just For Fun, a stationery/novelty store on Manhattan Avenue. As you can see, the theme is Mother’s Day. I am terrible about remembering such holidays. Thankfully these folks have a number of great gift-giving ideas for prodigal children like me.
Perfume, lighters shaped like the Statue of Liberty, edible underwear— all are excellent ways of telling mom how much you love her on Mother’s Day.
Those of you who are diet conscious will be pleased as punch to learn these great tasting strawberry flavored skivvies are also LOW IN CARBOHYDRATES! What will these unsung geniuses think of next? Control top edible underwear? I can only hope so.
Miss Heather
Another Saturday At Studio B
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The numerous building and fire code “irregularities” barely scratch the surface as to my fascination with this establishment. No matter what time of day I walk by there always seems to be something going on. Yesterday afternoon was no exception.
It was 3:30 p.m. when I saw a minivan park in front of Studio B. Intrigued, I hung around to see what would happen next.
Man steps out of minivan, walks to the front door and stares at work permit.
Bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this.
Having read said permit, man returns to van and waits.
One block away I notice HE IS STILL WAITING. What is this man waiting for? Does he want to make sure he gets into this evening’s event? He hardly looks like the Studio B type. Or is he?
Thankfully I walked by again around midnight. Not only were things starting hop (and the rooftop garden appeared to be closed) but across the street I found a very curious item jammed in a window sill.
And then it all made sense. Next thing you know Bob Dole will be down there trying peddle his little blue pills to get around paying Studio B’s exorbitant cover charge.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Authority
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From the Greenpoint Terminal Market.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Psychic Friend
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Manhattan Avenue.
Miss Heather
No Sleep Til Greenpoint
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Anyone in the know will tell you schlepping one’s ass from Greenpoint to Park Slope and back is no picnic. This usually entails taking the G to F. Getting to the Brooklyn Lyceum is a bit more complicated. Do I want to transfer at the 4th Avenue Station for the M(aybe) or R(arely)? No, I have more faith in my feet than those trains, thank you very much.
So after the Blogfest the Mister and I walked to the F. This ended up being a trek well worth making. Firstly, I learned the pay phone at the intersection of 4th Avenue and Garfield Street is tapped. How do I know this you ask?
Someone was kind enough to label it.
This person (presumably a patron of the Manhattan-Queens bound F) employed a very novel (if flawed) approach to solving this civil liberties conundrum: if you can’t hear them, the spooks can’t hear you.
We saw this at Bergen Street waiting for the G train. While too abject for some, I have to admit any commentary involving a penis and a small fluffy dog makes me chuckle.
Further down the platform we saw some subway Seppuku. This is pretty dark. Even for me. I want to go home.
Nothing says welcome back to Greenpoint to yours truly like:
I like big dick in my mouth
scrawled on a Department of Buildings subway poster. I suppose “Construction Safety Week” didn’t go over as well as intended. Yes, I am just as surprised as you are.
As many of you know Town Square’s “Earth Day” celebration at McCarren Park was co-sponsored by Exxon Mobil, British Petroleum and Bruce Ratner (among others). What you may not know, however, is Susan Anderson of Town Square rolled out this classic one liner in the April 25, 2008 edition of the Greenpoint Courier:
Exxon, for better or worse, is a part of the community.*
Greenpoint— with or without oil— is is indeed going green. Just not in the manner the local patricians had intended. Unlike the party-foulers at Nassau Avenue, we folks at the Greenpoint Avenue stop don’t worry too much about death.
We prefer to celebrate life.
Miss Heather
*I just about pissed my pants laughing when I read this.
Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Feel Good Edition
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Who cannot help but crack a smile when finding this on McGuinness Boulevard?
Miss Heather
Reader Question: This Old House
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Erin of Norman Avenue writes:
Hi Miss Heather,
I suspect you’ve already researched this – but what’s the story with the spectacular, run-down “estate” at the very end of Guernsey Street? It looks like it used to be an asylum or an old folks home, but now it appears to be inhabited by squatters and the grounds are overgrown.
I have been long remiss writing posts about Greenpoint history and I really appreciate Erin of Norman Avenue‘s kindly kicking my butt.
This beautiful (if slightly decrepit) building was the bequest of Samuel J. Tilden. If the name Sam Tilden sounds familiar to you, it’s because he was the 25th governor of New York and ran for president as a Democrat against Rutherford B. Hayes. He lost under very fishy circumstances. And for the record, Florida was a factor. Sound familiar?
In any case at Tilden’s death he had $6,000,000 of assets. His relatives contested the will and got a nice chunk of his estate. Somehow this parcel, by virtue of its less than desirable location (or sheer luck) didn’t find its way into their hands. Per his wishes a home for the aged was built here. It is now SRO. Here’s a little nugget of goodness about this great old building from the August 20, 1886 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Enjoy!
When the people rise the system gets cleansed.
— Samuel J. Tilden
Miss Heather
P.S.: I know for a fact a woman on Green Street will be one summer short of a century this month!
And no, it ain’t me!
UPDATE: Check out this way cool message I got from the proprietress of SamuelTilden.com!
I have a google alert on Samuel Tilden and your delightful BLOG came up this morning…This was one property I did not know about and was happy to read that Samuel donated the old house and that it still exists.
Notes From The Bedbug Workshop
This evening I attended the HPD workshop conducted at the Greenpoint Reformed Church. Given the start time was 6:00 p.m. (and thus difficult for many people to attend), I was very pleased with the turnout. For those of you who were not able to be there but want to learn more, I took copious notes. Here they are.
The presentation was given by Edward Brownbear (the gentleman in the above photograph). He is the Lead Education Instructor for the Department of Housing Preservation and Development. What’s more, he himself has had bedbugs and provided a number of personal anecdotes as to how he fought them successfully.
The presentation (entitled Bed Bugs On The Move) broke into three components:
- Introduction
- Your rights as a tenant or landlord
- Pest management
INTRODUCTION: What Are Bedbugs?
Per Mr. Brownbear, in 2006 HPD received ~1,000 complaints about bedbugs. In 2007 that number shot up to ~3,500 – 4,000. Some of the hardest hit areas were Bushwick, Ridgewood, East Harlem and Harlem.
There are 91 species of bedbugs. New York City sports three of them. There is the “common” bedbug which is, as it name indicates, the most common. There is also the “tropical bedbug” which is more active in summer weather. I didn’t get the third one. Regardless of species, all varieties of bedbugs:
- Detect “heat signatures” from as far as three feet.
- Prefer to dine upon human blood (lactic acid, body heat and breath attract them).
- Cannot fly, but can crawl very quickly.
- Can carry disease but will not transmit (it has to do with how they feed which is very different than, for example, a mosquito).
- Can be difficult to detect because before feeding they are as flat as a piece of paper.
- Are nocturnal.
- Are attracted to fibers and wood.
- Can hibernate for up to 18 months.
Two reasons for the influx of bedbugs in New York City are as follows.
- Increased international travel.
- Reconditioned mattresses.
What is a reconditioned mattress? It’s probably not what you, dear readers, think. A reconditioned mattress is a mattress that has been dry cleaned and resold. That’s it. Although the law states that these mattresses are to be labeled with a yellow tag, they are often are not. Anyone who suspects that he (or she) has been sold a reconditioned mattress without proper disclosure should contact the Department of Consumer Affairs.
Bedbugs feed for approximately eight minutes, then fall off the human body and find a (preferably dark) place to digest to digest and make bedbug babies for seven days. Mr. Brownbear was reluctant to talk about Bedbug Sex Ed. 101, but the attendees insisted and an entomologist stepped up to the plate and gave us the deets. For those of you who have ever wondered how bedbugs do the nasty, today’s your lucky day!
The male bedbug does not have a penis. It has an appendage designed to stab the female bedbug in a “cleft” on the underside of her body. Underneath this cleft is a pocket— padding if you will— that protects her internal organs. This mating process is called “traumatic insemination”. Try that one at your next trivia night!
Females lay 3-5 eggs a day. The gestation period is ten days and the maturation period is five weeks. In her lifetime, a bedbug can lay 500 eggs. These eggs are 1/36 of an inch thick and are clear, thus they are very difficult to see. Bedbug babies are also translucent and measure approximately one millimeter thick.
Are Bedbugs Dangerous?
As I indicated earlier, they can carry disease but studies have shown they do not transmit them. However, people vary in regards to reactivity to bedbug bites. Even a dermatologist cannot tell the difference between a bedbug bite from that of a tick or mosquito. Those who have high sensitivity or conditions such as eczema will have more reactivity to bedbug bites. Others, however, will have little to no reaction at all.
It was at this point that one of the more terrifying points of this entire meeting (in my opinion) was brought up: bedbugs make good “hitchhikers”, e.g.; they can attach themselves to a person’s clothing and spread. Five different subway stations have turned up positive for bedbugs. Three of them (the ones Mr. Brownbear could recall) are:
- Fordham Road, Bronx
- Union Square, Manhattan
- Hoyt-Schermerhorn, Brooklyn
At the latter most they were found on a subway bench, which makes sense given it is has been established these little critters like wood.
YOUR RIGHTS AS A TENANT
Under New York City Housing Code bedbugs (just like roaches) fall under a level B violation with “A” being the lowest level of severity and “C” being the highest. Mr. Brownbear advised that anyone afflicted with bedbugs should call 311 and report them. However, he conceded that doing so presents a number of problems. Among them:
- The reaction time will be slow. HPD has 600 inspectors.
- Many people work and cannot stay home waiting for HPD to show up.
- The inspector actually has to see bedbugs “at large” in your apartment. Merely showing them bites and/or trapping bedbugs in a jar is not sufficient.
- This is problematic given that bedbugs are nocturnal and inspectors work conventional business hours, therefore…
- He advised that you look for hiding places, such as chest of drawers, under mattresses, etc. to show the inspector before he (or she) visits.
- Regardless if you are responsible for bringing bedbugs into your apartment or not, the landlord is legally obligated exterminate.
YOUR RIGHTS AS A LANDLORD/PEST MANAGEMENT
Not surprisingly, the landlord’s burden is pretty light. All he (or she) must do is provide proof that an exterminator was paid within 30 days of being cited. However, here are a few tips for tenants:
- Do your homework.
- A landlord is not to exterminate bedbugs. Only professional (as licensed by the D.E.C.) is qualified to spray for bedbugs.
- Multiple applications will be needed. Preferably once a week for three weeks.
- Leave your apartment for 6-8 hours after exterminating and come home.
- A non-toxic method was suggested:

This product is readily available at hardware stores and only the “food grade” variety should be used. Simply put, is leeches moisture out of an insect’s (any insect’s) body, thus killing them. While deemed safe for people and pets, be sure to use take precautions for your furry friends (and in the case tonight scaly ones, e.g.; iguanas) and wear a mask while applying. Applications should be made every couple of weeks for maximum effect. Be sure your blankets do not touch the walls or floor, as these creepy little critters will try to take refuge in your bed.
It was at this point that the meeting started to wind down. Here are a few tips/items of interest worth passing along:
- When traveling, do not use suitcases: use soft-sided washable luggage.
- If you suspect you have luggage that might be infested, run it through a dryer at 120-130 degrees.
- Do bedbugs have natural predators? Yes they do, but it would take thousands of them to get rid of an infestation.
- Has the city ever intervened regarding a bedbug infestation? YES. There were two cases of a building-wide infestation in Bushwick. The Department of Health stepped in and tenants were evacuated from the building so it could be exterminated. Mind you, this is a rare occurrence.
- It was brought up by one attendee that NY1 be contacted to do a Q & A about bedbugs on a ‘call-in show”.
- NYC vs. Bedbugs was present with lots of useful information and a handy form letter you can fill out and send to David Yassky (our city councilman) to make known your concern about the bedbug problem in North Brooklyn.
- Someone asked if there was a “bedbug map” of New York City. Bedbuggers is the place to go.
- Ann Kansfield offered to help put together a media campaign to raise awareness about bedbugs and induce more action on the part of out city officials.
- I advised contacting our Representative, Joseph Lentol. I have contacted him in the past about quality of life issues in his district. He is very good with the constituent services. I speak from experience when I write this.
HPD gives a number of workshops. All are free for the asking. Some of the topics they cover (aside from bedbugs) are mold and mildew; roaches and vermin abatement and lead paint awareness. If anyone is interested in learning more about these workshops, Mr. Brownbear can be contacted at:
browned (at) hpd (dot) nyc (dot) gov
Miss Heather






































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