Mr. McKee’s Cow

Interesting things turn up when you run the search terms “Greenpoint” and “bigamy” through the Brooklyn Public Library’s online archives of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Back in the day Greenpoint was quite the swinging place. Anything that could “go” indeed went. Except of course if you happen to fatten a dairy cow in your back yard and try to get it through your front door. In which case you will discover that you have a serious problem on your hands, as you will learn from this article from the August 19, 1899 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Enjoy!

I repeat: I found this story while running the search terms “Greenpoint” and “bigamy”. Think about it.

Miss Heather

P.S.: If you’re wondering what “green goods” are, it is a scam which involves selling counterfeit money. Harry Houdini (yes, the famous magician) wrote an excellent description of this swindle. Read it for yourself by clicking here. As for the Barrison sisters, they sound like a pretty fun lot. Here’s a New York Times story about one of them.

Photo Credit: Top Secret

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Franklin Street

This nifty little “bird house” can be seen above the entrance of Cherry Bomb Tattoo.

Miss Heather

The Wall

Last night Mr. Heather elected to attend the planning meeting for the India Street Park. Feeling a bit antisocial, I opted to stay home. In hindsight I wish I had gone just to have a Parks official explain to me with a straight face why they are endeavoring to build a waterfront park that will not have a view of the city. Yes, you heard me right. Here are Mr. Heather’s notes from the meeting. Read them and learn why:

It was stressed that the Kaplan Fund and the Borough President’s office is the source of money for this project. This is a temporary park. The man from the Parks Department said they alloted at least $35,000 and it should last at least 5 years. To get around DEP requirements* they can only place on top of existing pavement. They cannot rip out or change any existing structure or pavement. They are going to pave over with colored concrete, remove the chain link fence and replace it with concrete barriers (similar to what is along highways) This might be topped with steel fence. It could be up to 12 feet high. This barrier could very well block all views of Manhattan. All plants will be in planters and will be no access to the waterfront. But we get bike racks and benches that come from either the 1939 or 1964 World’s Fair. Also there is an existing business that has a loading dock which cuts into the planned park space.

The Parks Department is really pushing this. The intend for this park to be completed by July 4th of this year. Why?

There is also going to be a feral cat colony displaced by this project. Some of the ideas presented at this meeting were shot down by the Parks Department because they would encourage “homeless boogeymen to appear“.

After being assured repeatedly by Mr. Heather that the terminology “homeless boogeymen” was indeed invoked by a New York City Parks employee in GREENPOINT, we put our collective heads together and made a conceptual rendering of what this park will be like. Here it is.

You know, I can’t shake the feeling all that poured concrete and a twelve foot high fence is going to make a certain segment of the population here (“homeless boogeymen” notwithstanding) feel right at home. It’ll be like Perestroika never happened.

Miss Heather

*because, among other things, a sinkhole is located at this site.

White Nights

Is it just me or was Greenpoint a little pointier than usual last weekend? I have long grown accustomed to the fact that some very special people grace this neighborhood. In fact, they are one of the reasons I live here. But seriously folks, last Saturday the inmates were running the asylum.

The local homeless cadre was in a particularly festive mood. I shit you not they were singing.

One person, however, was not so mirthful. Or at least that’s what I intuit when a man decides to punch a woman in the face in plain view of twenty odd people. And this is exactly how the porter of my building decided to while away Saturday afternoon. I didn’t see him get cuffed, but he is already back out on bail. Our landlord, inexplicably, decided to fire him. He’s been pretty trigger happy of late. He fired our Super last month.

Deciding to celebrate the fact our building has no maintenance staff whatsoever, Mr. Heather and I went out to dinner. Our ride home on the G train was livelier than usual.

This dude had a voice that sounded like Harvey Fierstein with a dash Jimmy Durante. I couldn’t understand most of what he was saying about except when he sauntered up to a mustachioed woman sitting across from me and exclaimed:

Motherrrrrr Naturrrrrrr!

He had quite a floor show. Much better than anything I saw in Vegas (not that I recall much, mind you: I was 8 or 9 years old). I wanted to take him home. Mr. Heather refused.

I suppose none of the previous should really surprise me. I live in Greenpoint, after all.

Even our buildings get loaded.

Miss Heather

TOMORROW: India Street Park Meeting

Here are the deets.

On a completely unrelated note, parents don’t forget the Greenpoint Reformed Church will be conducting its children’s clothing and toy swap this afternoon from noon until four. Check it out!

For those of you who have the pleasure of having this unseasonably warm day off (and the poor souls who had to schlep to work anyway): Happy Presidents Day!

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Say It With Flowers

I realize the above text is barely legible so I will transcribe it for you:

Flowers make me horny.

And this* kids is why Greenpoint is called the Garden Spot of the Universe!

Miss Heather

*Rats with floral fetishes on Monitor Street.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: God Bless America

Mr. Steve might have been “BLESSED & SAVED BY GRACE”, but yesterday Monitor Street smelled like ass.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Speaking of shit that stinks, check this out.

The above image probably looks familiar to a number of you. That’s because I featured it on New York Shitty last Sunday. Well, a certain web site decided to feature it yesterday.

They were even nice enough to place their own watermark on it. Unfettered by such vagaries as copyright law or intellectual property they saw fit to neither link to the site where this photograph came from (New York Shitty) or give credit to the person who took the trouble to shoot and annotate it (yours truly).

Finding fun (and sometimes not so fun) material to post on this web site often involves a lot of time and footwork on my part. I have no complaints; it is a labor of love— what’s more I enjoy sharing this stuff and giving people a much-needed laugh. Rather, my complaint stems from having my work used without permission or even a simple citation. This is unacceptable.

UPDATE 2/19/08: I made my discontentment known College Humor via email. Not only was the person who contacted me very nice, but he promptly removed this image. Thanks guys.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: X-Rated on McGuinness Boulevard

It looks like the brains behind the Bedford Avenue beaver has finally struck in Greenpoint.

Miss Heather