Caption This Photo

July 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

As I have intimated, Mister Heather had this week off from work. When not doing such exciting stuff as attending Community Board meetings or walking around Queens, we have spent our time hanging around the apartment. Two people and four cats in (maybe) 425 square feet of space can present certain challenges. And I like to exacerbate them by finding ways to get on the Mister’s nerves.

Miss Heather: You are a real treasure.
Mr. Heather: You should be happy to have me, for all the free I.T. support I give you.
Miss Heather (waving a copy of Foot Fraternity magazine): No, that’ s not it. After trying to find ways to eliminate the smell of your dirty socks I had an epiphany. People will pay cold hard cash to smell them! Think of the money we could make!!!
Mr. Heather: Thanks for making fun of me.
Miss Heather: I’m serious.

Well, long story made sort the Mister wasn’t having it. This is a shame as I thought it was a sterling idea. In any case, I found the following image in the above-mentioned magazine and thought it too good not to pass along.

Miss Heather: HAHAHAHAHA!
Mr. Heather: What’s so funny?
Miss Heather: Check this out.
Mr. Heather: That guy reminds me of Alistair Cooke.
Miss Heather: Yeah. The feature he is introducing is They Died With Their Boots On followed by a naughty little flick called They Died With Their Boots OFFor would that be My Left Foot? Or The Man With the One Red Shoe?!? Oh wait, I’ve got it: FOOTLOOSE!
Mr. Heather: Pardon me, would you happen to have any Grey Poupon… for my bunions?

In all seriousness, this photograph is crying out to be captioned. Anyone out there up to the challenge?

Miss Heather

Boulevard of Crap

July 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit, Queens 

I recently confused the bejeezus out of a reporter for the Greenpoint Courier. It happened innocently enough. I causally mentioned that my husband had the week off and we had spent the afternoon knocking around Queens. To wit, he replied:

Why? You car didn’t break down or something?

After making it clear that we had no car to fail us, I pointed out that Maspeth has a certain charm. On top of possibly being the garden gnome capital of New York Shitty, it also sports a number of other niceties such as lovely Tudor Style homes, gun lovers touting terrorist hunting permits and this. And then of course you have Queens Boulevard.

This building this crap-infested sign graces has to be seen to truly be believed. It was probably a parking garage that was converted into a retail space. It is quite hideous. If you happen to be anywhere near 64th Street by all means check it out: they have office space for rent!

Miss Heather

TOMORROW: Newtown Creek Press Conference

July 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Congressman Anthony Weiner and Congresswoman Nydia Velazquez will be conducting a press conference at the yet to be completed park at the northern terminus of Manhattan Avenue. The purpose of this event is to implore our Federal government to clean up Newtown Creek. Anyone interested in having such amenities as clean air and water with their luxury condominiums should be sure to arrive by 10:30 a.m.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Today a tree care workshop will be conducted at the American Playground. For more information click here.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Manhattan Avenue

July 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

I am seriously considering erecting an online museum dedicated to the many interesting places I find empty vodka bottles in this neighborhood.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday Returns: Guernsey Street

July 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I have been very negligent in regards to my regular feature: Fedders Friday. I could give you a litany of very plausible excuses or I could simply state the truth:

I forgot.

It’s a good thing the other half and I walked down Guernsey Street this week.

I’m not too sure what this building looked like in the yesteryear, but it looks like ass now.

I for one like the balconies.

This entrance has all the charm of a hospital. Or mental institution.

Naturally this edifice sports not only Fedders boxes but also ample parking!

For the select.

Miss Heather

Models Galavanting In Our Misery

July 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bed-Stuy, Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Queens, Williamsburg 

I will not disclose who I received this (forwarded) email from because I like— and much more importantly respect— said person. Regardless, as a citizen who lives in a neighborhood teeming with environmental fuck-ups I do not appreciate the tone of said message. Hence why I am posting it here on New York Shitty:

Thanks for getting back to me… (insert name, lol). I’ve shot at DUMBO already and so has everyone else, it’s considered overdone! The more grittier locations are what’s good for high fashion. Aggregate is like a sand and coal mixture, I think it’s used for paving… anyway, they store this stuff in huge piles so it forms pyramids or mountains and it looks really cool (I attached a few images). The only thing is that I can’t seem to find out where the compounds are…

The cement plant at the Morgan Avenue Stop of the L immediately comes to mind. But if any of you, dear readers, can think of abject sites in Brooklyn (Queens, Staten Island or the Bronx) which complement sinuous models clad in glamorous apparel email me at missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com. I’ll forward them.

Miss Heather

Jaunt In Queens: A Garden Gnome Retrospective

July 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Queens 

Before going to this week’s Community Board 1 meeting the Mister and I took a jaunt in Queens. The week prior we were driven through Maspeth and I was smitten by the garden statuary. I simply had to return.

Welcome to Queens.

We like garden gnomes.

Be they sweeping…

sitting on the grass…

or fondling a rabbit’s ass.

Maspeth loves them some garden gnomes.

Big time.

The above gnomes grace this day care center. I realize the following anecdote will only resonate with the select few who were born in the 1970′s, but I’ll recount it anyway.

Ma Heather: If someone gives you pretty stickers, don’t lick the back of them.
L’il Heather: Why?
Ma Heather: Bad things will happen.

I never licked a sticker in my life and this freaks me out.

Big time.*

Miss Heather

*But I like Maspeth. A lot.

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Vandalism!

July 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

Just as Peter Vallone Jr. prognosticated, the guys at Alphabeta have precipitated a wave of mindless vandalism in the neighborhood!

Oh wait, the peeps at East Coast Aliens* actually asked Alphabeta to decorate their security gate. Go figure.

Regardless I was outraged by this flagrant act of art-making in front of Christina’s Restaurant last night. Is this what our society has come to? Juvenile delinquency trickling up to septuagenarians?

Fellow Greenpointers, if you see someone expressing him/herself don’t ask questions or bother our elected officials. Report it immediately to Peter Vallone Jr.

Peter Vallone Jr.
22-45 31st Street
Astoria, NY 11105
(718) 274-0007
vallone4ny (at) gmail (dot) com

He clearly has our best interests at heart.

Miss Heather

*Whose schedule will be limited this summer, but they’re having a fundraiser for Barack Obama July 26. Check out their calendar for details.

THIS WEEKEND: The Grandmother of All Stoop Sales

July 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Lian of Kent Street the mastermind behind last month’s “Mother of all stoop sales” hits us again with another another one this weekend: THE MOTHER OF ALL STOOP SALES – Part II. The pickings look pretty good so it would probably be wise to get there bright and early before everything is picked over!

If you have a stoop sale, new business or event in the Greenpoint/North Brooklyn area and want to get the word out shoot me an email at missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com. I’ll be delighted to post it if/when time permits.

Miss Heather

It’s Official

July 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

A number of people are wondering what will become of this old precinct house located on Herbert Street. Last night I bumped into Rich Mazur of the North Brooklyn Development Corporation and he gave me the good news: last month the papers were signed and it is to be converted into affordable housing. Apparently our representative, Joseph Lentol, pitched the proposal to Housing Preservation & Development, Diana Reyna secured $1,000,000 from the New York City Council and the Borough President’s Office chipped in another $500,000. I was not told how many there units will be, but with studios starting in the $100,000s it will indeed be affordable to a number of people who could not otherwise afford to live in our great neighborhood!

Miss Heather