Nipples: The Body Politic

August 17, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I recently had the pleasure of having a chap on Broadway shout at me:

Hey nipples!

Naturally I looked down and lo, “Left Eye” (as I like to call her), despite being muzzled by a bra was alert and pert. What can I say? Men complain of having “morning wood”. Even more claim they cannot control what their lower head does. Why shouldn’t it be the same for women? If anything, the equipment we ladies sport and the level of restraint we exercuse reining them in is superior. Here’s why:

The way I see it, the male body is a bicameral structure. Wikipedia states:

Although the ideas on which bicameralism are based can be traced back to the theories developed in Ancient Sumer and later ancient Greece, ancient India, and Rome, recognizable bicameral institutions first arose in medieval Europe where they were associated with separate representation of different estates of the realm.

In other words: one above the belt and one below. To invoke British parliamentary procedure, the male body has a House of Commons and the House of Lords.

Wikipedia goes on to say:

Some political scientists believe that bicameralism makes meaningful political reforms more difficult to achieve and increases the risk of deadlock (particularly in cases where both chambers have similar powers). Others argue strongly for the merits of the ‘checks and balances‘ provided by the bicameral model, which they believe helps prevent the passage into law of ill-considered legislation.

I’m a big fan of “checks and balances”. Thankfully the female body has them: “Right Eye” and I keep “Lefty” in check. “Right Eye” is the Executive Branch; she has the right to veto the propositions “Left Eye” puts before her. And she does. Often. My brain is the Judicial branch; it has the right to overturn legislation brought forth by “Left Eye” as being unconstitutional. In other words: things which are bad for my constitution. And I do. OFTEN. The gent who called me “nipples” was not what I would call a “catch”. “Right Eye” agreed. He was an asshole. If I can control two titular heads, why couldn’t this jerk control one?

I mention this anecdote because when I visited Empty Cages Collective last week I saw nipples. After filming and taking pictures of all the beautiful cats of all ages needing homes (for over an hour) I asked who would like to come home with me. Celia, a wee little Flatbush lady, stepped forward.

That’s my backpack you’re looking at! If you’re wondering why Celia’s nipples are pert and discolored it’s because this little girl has been feeding a litter of five cats! It just goes to show that sometimes nipples are employed to do what they are designed for: nourishment. Imagine that!

Anyone interested in adopting Celia or the “Flatbush Five” should contact Empty Cages Collective at emptycagescollective (at) gmail (dot) com.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Another lovely (and lovable) young lady looking for a home is Theresa. You can learn more about her by clicking here or here!

Photo Credit: Before dispatching this pervy tomato into salad heaven I took some cheesecake photos. That was back in 2005. It was quite delicious.

More Fun At The Nature Walk

August 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Laura Hofmann writes:

Mike & I went back to the DEP Nature Walk today to check on the oil situation. Only at the DEP Nature Walk steps can you find treasures like this! I’m trying to figure out where he came from since we did find dead crabs (including a  horseshoe crab) there last week. He’s got some markings on him. Makes me think that he’s a decoy that may have been used to track waterfowl … perhaps pesticides? Poor guy, didn’t make it through the experiment I guess!

Now there’s a piece of home decor you won’t find at Ikea!

Miss Heather

TOMORROW: Burlesque At The L.E.S.

August 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic 

Tomorrow a fellow Greenpointer, Dizzy Swank, will be having a birthday burlesque blow-out at the Slipper Room. Tickets cost only $5.00! So if you happen to be knocking around the Lower East Side tomorrow why not swing by, check it out and wish a neighbor a happy birthday? You’ll have a lot of fun!

Burlesque Birthday Show
167 Orchard Street
New York, New York 10002

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Keep It To Yourself

August 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

From Metropolitan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Manhattan Avenue

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

This is Piggly Wiggly via the Buckeye State.

This is Piggly Wiggly Garden Spot Style.

Any questions?

Miss Heather

The Fedders Friday That Wasn’t

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Fedders Friday, Other Shit, Williamsburg 

Earlier this week I quipped that I would be hard pressed to top this lovely specimen Fedders Friday. Well, I was right. This week I have nothing in the way of Feddertecture to offer up for your delectation. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a piece of abjectecture to share. I do. Boy do I ever!

It’s been a while since I checked in on this beauty at 152 Broadway. Intrigued to see the process of Fedderization complete, I swung by yesterday to have a looksee. What awaited me was quite breathtaking…

and not in a good way. For those of you who are wondering: yes, this building once matched the one to the left.

Now it has been thoroughly and irrevocably crapified. I don’t know about you, but I really like the balcony on the top floor. It’s sort of like a parting “Fuck You” in the face of good taste.

Seriously. This has got to be one of the ugliest modifications of an existing building I have ever seen— and I have seen quite a few. Whoever is responsible for this vomitorium should have their architecture degree torn into little pieces. Instead I will have to be satisfied with giving 152 Broadway this week’s second New York Shitty Award of Excellence In Abjectecture.

Mazel tov!

Miss Heather

TONIGHT: The Beatles!

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Tonight (provided it does not rain*) Yellow Submarine will be screened at the American Playground! I have been told before the main feature footage from the Beatles’s first American concert will be served up for our viewing enjoyment. This sounds like a great way to spend this Friday night, so pack up your lawn chairs!

American Playground
Franklin Street between Milton and Noble
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Be sure to get there by 8:30 p.m.

Miss Heather

*In which case, it will be shown tomorrow.

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Hug

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

From Division Place.

Miss Heather

Photoshop Fun For Friday

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Ever since I learned about Paul McCarthy’s roaming turd I have been thinking. Why do I avoid McCarren Park? Is it because Karl Fischer has surrounded it with his abjectecture? Possibly. Is it because I see more and more contendees for the Hipster Olympics there? Probably. Or is the lack of public art?!?

These pups are awfully cute, but hardly satisfying.

The same goes for this bunny. Cute, but insufficient.

What I want to see is an artwork as big as Karl Fischer’s balls (or FAR). Something that reflects the character of the “New Williamsburg”. Simply put, something people from all four corners of the earth will come to gaze upon and say:

Yes, I have been to Williamsburg.

In other words, something like this.

Meet the McCarren Park butt plug.


Miss Heather

Greenpoint’s Nature Walk Gets Added Value!

August 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

To Our Newtown Creek Elected Officials (Eric Gioia, David Yassky, Nydia Velazquez & Joe Lentol — Ed. Note),

I am attaching a few photos of the oil Mike & I saw today at the DEP Nature Walk. Last week we came across some dead crabs there including ( blue crab, white crab, horseshoe crab … ) We have photos of the dead critters. Today the amount of oil ( various types ) was horrifying. We saw loads of brown oil, frothy whitish, rainbow slicks …I have a video clip that shows the oil all along the Nature Walk steps. The oil extends toward the Kills and into Whale Creek as well. We noticed that there is pile driving going on near the Motiva site by the Pulaski Bridge as well. We included a photo of the rig. We have no idea how far down the Creek the slick extends.

Mike & I made a complaint to the DEC Hot line: 1 (800) 457-7362.

I’m happy to see that the barge that was dumped by the Kill has finally been removed. Thank you for that.

Laura & Mike Hofmann

Black gold.

Texas tea.


Y’all come back now, you hear!

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: Mike & Laura Hofmann