The Fedders Friday That Wasn’t

August 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Fedders Friday, Other Shit, Williamsburg 

Earlier this week I quipped that I would be hard pressed to top this lovely specimen Fedders Friday. Well, I was right. This week I have nothing in the way of Feddertecture to offer up for your delectation. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a piece of abjectecture to share. I do. Boy do I ever!

It’s been a while since I checked in on this beauty at 152 Broadway. Intrigued to see the process of Fedderization complete, I swung by yesterday to have a looksee. What awaited me was quite breathtaking…

and not in a good way. For those of you who are wondering: yes, this building once matched the one to the left.

Now it has been thoroughly and irrevocably crapified. I don’t know about you, but I really like the balcony on the top floor. It’s sort of like a parting “Fuck You” in the face of good taste.

Seriously. This has got to be one of the ugliest modifications of an existing building I have ever seen— and I have seen quite a few. Whoever is responsible for this vomitorium should have their architecture degree torn into little pieces. Instead I will have to be satisfied with giving 152 Broadway this week’s second New York Shitty Award of Excellence In Abjectecture.

Mazel tov!

Miss Heather

Priceless

August 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

The art work, titled “Complex S(expletive..)”, is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres (yards) from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children’s home*, said museum director Juri Steiner. — Yahoo Canada

I knew there was a reason I liked Paul McCarthy so much in graduate school. I’d pay top dollar to see an encore performance at Carroll Park.

Miss Heather

*Thanks for passing this along Flatbush “Big Shit Meet Little Shits” Gardener!

Photo Credit: Applelogen.be

Boulevard of Crap

July 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit, Queens 

I recently confused the bejeezus out of a reporter for the Greenpoint Courier. It happened innocently enough. I causally mentioned that my husband had the week off and we had spent the afternoon knocking around Queens. To wit, he replied:

Why? You car didn’t break down or something?

After making it clear that we had no car to fail us, I pointed out that Maspeth has a certain charm. On top of possibly being the garden gnome capital of New York Shitty, it also sports a number of other niceties such as lovely Tudor Style homes, gun lovers touting terrorist hunting permits and this. And then of course you have Queens Boulevard.

This building this crap-infested sign graces has to be seen to truly be believed. It was probably a parking garage that was converted into a retail space. It is quite hideous. If you happen to be anywhere near 64th Street by all means check it out: they have office space for rent!

Miss Heather

It’s Snowing!

July 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

This was the hilarious sight that awaited me when I was walking down Green Street yesterday. Anyone who lives on Green Street between Manhattan Avenue and Franklin Street will attest that the Viridian has been quite busy installing styrofoam insulation over the last week. As a result the entire block and some of the people on it are blanketed in white flecks of foam. A little touch of winter on the cusp of July. To alleviate this problem, the above chap is vacuuming the sidewalk. Priceless.

I mention this anecdote because I was recently forwarded one of the finest complaints to the Department of Buildings I have ever seen. Jonathan writes:

look at the recent complaint for 156 Guernsey St! love it

It would appear that Green Street is not the only block afflicted by summertime snow storms. What’s more, one of the more attractive blocks in Greenpoint is set to get its very own Belvedere! Lucky them. Interested to see what a building “covered in styrofoam” looks like, I headed to 156 Guernsey without delay.

Styrofoam? What styrofoam?

The front of this building looks like a piece of Swiss cheese.

Swiss cheese with Friedrich boxes that is.

The building on the left was meticulously restored and put on the market by Corcoran. Given the recent absence of a “For Sale” sign, I would presume it has sold— probably for a very tidy sum. I wonder what the buyer thinks of its neighbor’s face lift?

Miss Heather

Hey Joe

May 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bum Shit, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

(Someone in the Garden Spot really, really does not like you.)

Yesterday afternoon I ran errands. Among my tasks was purchasing household cleaning products. Let’s just say one of our cats decided to use our bedroom as a vomitorium, I will spare you the details except to say it was quite disgusting.

As anyone in the know will tell you, any and all consumer products in Greenpoint are to be found in one place: Manhattan Avenue, so I headed there without delay. When I reached the Greenpoint Furniture store I noticed a man standing in front of the door. Well, noticed isn’t exactly the right word— HEARD is much more like it. Imagine this, if you will, being bellowed in the biggest Brooklyn honk imaginable:

You know what you are Joe? You’re a fuggin’ piece of shit! That’s what! A fuggin’ piece of shit!

Over and over. I turned to the man next to me, gave him my best “wtf” look and said:

It’s always healthy to let your anger out. What’s more, if I ever meet a guy named Joe I will know he is a fucking piece of shit.

He laughed.

I then went back about my business, as did my fellow bystander and the man who hates Joe.

Several hours later after I accomplished all the chores on my “to do” list I decided to head home via my favorite thoroughfare: McGuinness Boulevard. I have extolled upon the magical qualities of the street named after Greenpoint’s favorite alderman many times. I will do so yet once again here: McGuinness Boulevard is the undiluted essence of all things Greenpoint. It is the very soul of the Garden Spot. Some of the most interesting things I have ever seen have been found on this boulevard. Yesterday was no exception.

This mural is located on Newton Street. It originally read “diva”. As you can see, someone has seen fit to make a few annotations.

I really like this shot. Methinks this image should be on a greeting card. Seriously.

Not since high school have I seen hatred meted out in such a passionate and heated fashion. This person is seriously angry. If any of you are wondering what that brown stuff is, use your imagination. If that fails, here’s a clue: read the url for this web site.

You know, I cannot help but respect someone who would do this. I do not condone their behavior, mind you. I simply believe it is good policy to have a healthy respect for people who have no qualms whatsoever about picking up shit off the sidewalk and smearing it on a wall. Even I wouldn’t do that. If you’re out there reading this Joe, take my advice: stay away from McGuinness Boulevard.

Miss Heather

156 North 12th Street, Revisited

January 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit, Williamsburg 

Last Saturday night Mr. Heather and I watched New York’s Bravest inspect the above-mentioned property. One week later walked by the same property (albeit on 11th Street) and found something else of interest.

135 North 11 Street Open Door

ANCOR’s open door policy.

C’mon In!

Anybody need a large space for wedding reception or a Bat Mitzvah? If so, I have found your place! What’s more, it is very affordable!

156 North 12 Street is becoming a veritable grab bag of fun. I can hardly wait to see what happens when they start building on this site. If the Department of Buildings “responsiveness” to the complaints lodged against this property are any indication, things should get very interesting.

131 N 11 Street Complaint

The above complaint was filed 11/28/07. Note the inspector’s comments. They are as follows:

SEE COMPLAINT #3245809 TO BE ROUTED FOR WORK W/O PERMIT

Here is “COMPLAINT 3245809”, it was filed 11/21/2007. Note the disposition…

135 North 11 Street Complaint

and by that I mean there isn’t one! What an effective strategy for reducing one’s workload! Instead of trifling with each and every stupid little complaint that comes in simply piggyback them on top each other! That way you look like you’re being efficient without actually doing any work. Genius!

Miss Heather

Word of The Day: Continuity

January 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

n., pl. ties. 1. The quality or state of being continuous. 2. An uninterrupted succession or unbroken course.

This little vocabulary lesson goes out to Hunt Architects.

795 Grand Street

The above masterwork (at 795 Grand Street) suggests they could use a refresher course on this concept. I for one am a big fan of the institutional-looking gray balcony.

Enver Hoxha’s Balcony

Nothing says “luxury duplex” like good ol’ Soviet-era construction. For a moment I thought I was in Albania!

Miss Heather

Cutting Karl Fischer’s Krap

December 14, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

I recently checked out a post on Brownstoner announcing yet another piece of Karl Fischer crap slated to blight north Brooklyn:

A visit to the Karl Fischer website never disappoints! In our most recent fly-by, we noticed that the ubiquitous architect has a new rendering posted of a 26,000-square-foot, 18-unit glass box that’s slated for the southwest corner of Bedford Avenue and South 4th Street in Williamsburg.

What will this forthcoming masterpiece look like you, ask? Well, here it is.

120 S. 4 Street via Brownstoner

True to form, it is a drab— if conspicuously short— slab of Post Modernist shit. Naturally, the lack of height was not lost one Brownstoner commenter:

Ridiculously small building for an area so close to Manhattan. My god, even Mayor Bloomberg’s townhouse is taller than this thing.

It looks alright, but it should be twice as large, at least.

WRONG!

Keeping this building diminutive is the only means I can think of to mitigate its hideousness. And contrary to what Karl Fischer said in this article, all his buildings have one overriding quality in common: they are uglier than homemade sin.

130 Diamond Street

That’s what makes parts of Brooklyn so special. You have all of these rowhouses, townhouses, smaller-scale developments, more neighborhood-friendly developments. You have more open space. The quality of life in this way is going to be preserved in Brooklyn.

– Karl Fischer

Am I the only person who has trouble reconciling the aforementioned quote with the “deeds” of its author? 130 Diamond Street is, most assuredly, neither “smaller scale” nor “neighborhood friendly”. It is a gangrene-colored six story eyesore blighting what was once a quaint block of two and three story rowhouses.

Krappy Klose-up

Why in god’s name would some pair this “brick work” with green sheet metal? This juxtaposition would make I.M. Pei roll in his grave.

Karl’s Krap Klose-up

If he was dead, that is. And dead he would be if forced to look at this pile of shit. Yes sir, when the construction fence finally comes down we Greenpointers are going to have one VERY UGLY BUILDING on our hands. An edifice which, until recently, reminded me of something but I just couldn’t place it. Until today.

Karl’s Krapper

Be sure to do a courtesy flush, Karl!

Miss Heather

120 S. 4th Street Photo Credit: Karl Fischer web site via Brownstoner.

The Crappy Man

December 12, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

Who can take a scorched house
Sprinkle it with spew
without posting any permits and make it look like a piece of poo?
Bridge Realty, that’s who!

209 1/2 Eckford, then and now

Bridge Realty can
‘Cause they mix it with pre-fabricated love
and make Miss Heather say EW!

Mor W.A.

The guys at 209 1/2 Eckford may not be fond of posting permits, but clearly they are big fans of MorW.A.

Miss Heather

Belvedere Blow Out!

December 10, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

It has been some time since I have written about my buddies over at Belvedere Partners, so today I am going to redress this egregious oversight on my part and give the scoop on two, count ’em, TWO new Belvederes! Excited yet? If not, you should be dear readers!

Belvedere XII: 150 Java Street

Cement Being Poured at Belvedere XXII

In keeping with the Belvedere landscape architecture paradigm, the entire frontage has received a heaping helping of cement. Planting trees and shrubs are for bleeding heart liberals who don’t appreciate the value-added qualities of concrete.

Can you find the Belvedere in this picture?

Belvedere XXII

You can’t? No worries, I have gone to the trouble of labeling it for you. Belvederes have a chameleon-like tendency to blend in with 100+ year old row houses. Even ones half their size. Uncanny.

Belvedere XXIV: 490 Morgan Avenue

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the aesthetic savants at Belvedere got their hands on an existing piece of property? If so, wonder no more. I have the answer: they will make it look total and utter shit.

Belvedere XXIV

Photographs scarcely do this masterpiece justice. One really needs to go to 490 Morgan Avenue and behold it in all its half-assed glory in person. Not only is the “D” missing from “Belvedere”, but the cheesy lanterns gracing the front door are not even mounted straight. Nice.

Belvedere XXIV sideview

Burglar bars: CHECK.
Friedrich and Fedders Boxes: CHECK.
Stucco: CHECK.

Oil facility

Oil storage facility down the block: CHECK.

I have long been mystified as to what “system” Belvedere uses to number their serialized schlock. Thankfully, a thorough examination of Belvedere XXII has helped me to understand the why and wherefore behind the numbering its distant cousin at 490 Morgan Avenue: it sucks twice as hard.

Haven’t had enough suckiness, you say? You crave yet more Belvedere hilarity? Check out the new Flash introduction on their web site. Belvedere Partners must be strapped for cash if they can’t hire a professional to straighten that crooked “R” on their store front. In fact, things must be really bad if the President of the company can’t outlay $4.00 for a box of Nice ‘n Easy and touch up those roots. If Mayor Mike really wanted to beautify Greenpoint he would stop planting trees, lock this woman in a beauty salon and refuse to let her out until that shit matches.

Miss Heather

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