New York Shitty Day Ender: All Apologies

MAX

whoops

From 239 Banker Street.*

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who are wondering about 718-STANDUP’s provenance you can see it here. I suppose Max was a supporter of Isaac Abraham for the 33rd City Council District.

*Formerly known as the Sweater Factory Lofts.

New York Shitty Day Ender: Miss Heather Does A Good Deed

October 14, 2009 ·
Filed under: Boobification, Bum Shit, Dung of the Day, Manhattan, Other Shit 

Today, dear readers, I did something I rarely do: go to the movies. This much-needed bit of recreation entailed me doing something else I do not do very often: going to Manhattan. Murray Hill, no less. (What can I say? I find Woody Harrelson brandishing firearms irresistible.)

Anyhoo, after deciding in favor of getting a little walking in I got off at the 1st Avenue stop of the L. As I proceeded further north I began to realize I was not in Greenpoint anymore. I felt uncomfortable. People were staring at me. Thankfully, at 24th Street I saw something that made me feel right at home.

pay phone

As you are all too aware I have a “thing” for pay phones. I cannot pass one without looking at it. The above example was no exception.

INCOMING

Incoming ordnance at twelve o’ clock!

damn

Crikey, Verizon took a direct hit!

After I took the above photograph a livery cab pulled up beside me and a 40-something gentleman made a bee line for this telephone.

Me: Dude!
40-something Gentleman: (picks up receiver)
ME: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!
40-sG: (turns around)
Me: Don’t use that pay phone! Someone took a shit on it!!!
40s-G: (slowly turns around and, after noticing that someone has indeed despoiled said pay phone, let’s it slide from his hand.)
Me: That’s why I was taking photographs of it. SOMEONE SHIT ON IT!
40s-G: Thank you! Thank you! (starts heading back to livery cab)
Me: No problem. Do me a favor, okay?
40s-G: What?
Me: Please wash your hands as soon as you can, okay? I mean, someone SHIT on that phone. God only knows what else is on there we can’t see.
40s-G: I will, thank you!

With that closing remark and the slam of a cab door he was on his way. And I was on mine. Which brings me to what I found two blocks later.

condomphone

Miss Heather

P.S.: I felt so good about my good deed today I decided to make a little detour and purchase myself a treat!

bodhiandtheboobs

That’s right, kids. Project: Boobification is back! Methinks I’ll name the left one “Bill” and the right one “Mike”!

A New York Shitty Love Connection

CORNrowanTHUMBSome of you might have gathered from the preponderance of non-Greenpoint content of late that I have been lurking our fair city. This is because my inlaws are in town and they want to see the sights, sounds, and yes, SMELLS of the Big Apple during their brief stay.* Fortunately I have my good friend Rowan and Crappy to keep me in an “outer borough” state of mind.

It all started with a corn stalk (which can be seen at left). My inlaws happen to reside in Iowa. Corn is very common there. Corn is not, however, very common in Greenpoint (which is where this stalk was found). More specifically it was found on Bushwick Inlet between North 14 Street and North 15 Street: an ill-kept, trash ridden sidewalk which sits atop brownfield.

I found this fascinating. Enough so to write a post about it. A week later I walked by only to discover that someone had killed the corn— and the cobs were nowhere to be found.

Rowan (who provided the above photograph) wrote on September 28, 2009:

Saturday evening, around 6:30pm, I decided to check the corn plant. It’s broken in two. Photos to come, but I’m a bit sad that someone destroyed it. Also the Marlboro packet was still there.

To wit I replied:

I noticed that today. Even more frightening is the corn appears to have been taken. Presumably someone ate it. YIKES!

This morning I had the pleasure of moderating Rowan’s rebuttal:

Someone’s going to have very toxic corn poops.

Shortly thereafter I received an ominous email from Queens Crap. It read as follows:

Do you, in your vast annals of dog shit photos, happen to have one that’s laden with corn? If not, you will when I get home from work tonight.

I replied that I did not have such a find in my “vast annals”. Follows is Crappy’s reply:

You won’t be disappointed.

I wasn’t.

corncrap

This delightful artifact was found at the intersection of DeKalb and Cypress Avenue in Ridgewood. It is proof positive that my buddy across the creek knows blue chip crap when he finds it.

Yummy.

Miss Heather

*And they most, assuredly have. They walked by the Newtown Creek Waste Treatment Plant on Thursday afternoon and partook of a particularly fragrant subway ride today.

Snapshots From Astoria

September 15, 2009 ·
Filed under: 11101, Astoria, Bum Shit, Dung of the Day, Other Shit, Queens 

Yesterday evening the Mister and I ventured to Astoria to support our buddy Kevin Walsh, who happens to have a show of his photography at the Greater Astoria Historical Society.  For those of you keeping count, this is the second day in a row we have ventured to the county of Queens. Anyhoo, it has been awhile I have been to my former stomping grounds (I lived in Astoria briefly during graduate school) so I brought along my camera and took a few photographs. Follow are some highlights. Enjoy!

daves

What Elvira and Marilyn Monroe have to do with shoes I do not know. Regardless I found this display charming.

CHANGE

Change may have come to America but it’s still business as usual at this storefront. Despite his odious politics the man behind this missive is— believe it or not— a very nice guy. I have spoken to him.

boobs

I did a double take at this. Something else the greater Steinway Street and Broadway area sports are really cool old-school storefronts.

WINES

Like this…

dandf

and this.

boston

A little ennui over pizza. And last— but hardly least—

shitphone

my visit to Astoria taught me why I should never, EVER patronize a public pay phone again.

blech

Damn.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Starter: Bloomturd

kentave

kentshit

It would appear that someone isn’t very keen of Mayor Mike’s 1,000,000 trees initiative.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Special Earth Day Edition

April 19, 2009 ·
Filed under: Bum Shit, Dog Shit, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

nooneisthekeeperofthispark

On April 16, 2009 Kat wrote:

Dear Heather,

I’m a fellow Greenpointer who has been reading your blog ever since Gawker linked to it back in 2006-ish. I always wished I could send you a tip, but I didn’t have any good ones — until yesterday morning, when I saw that the students of PS 110 had launched their very own environmental awareness campaign in McGolrick Park.

It is… interesting.

I took a couple pictures and wrote about it here, if you are interested in either reading it or sharing it with your devoted audience.

Warmest regards from the GPT…

Naturally I pointed and clicked my way over to Pink India Ink. I would recommend you do the same. For those of you who are disinclined to do so the crux of my colleague’s editorial was as follows:

  1. The placement of this sign is not conducive to getting the word out.
  2. In the battle between dog piss and the trees of McGolrick Park the trees do appear to be winning.
  3. There are other, better ways to get children engaged in the environment.

Today I decided to swing by McGolrick to see this sign and the tree it graces for myself.

dogurinetrees

In my guesstimation this missive is located approximately six or seven feet from the ground— well out of eye shot of even the most statuesque dog owner. And any breed of dog— no matter how large— that comes to mind. But I suppose it doesn’t really matter as I have yet to encounter a canine however bright, that can read. Or can they?

dogurinekillstrees

The sign appears to have received a little “water damage”. Was it at the behest of an April shower or a golden shower from a particularly well-endowed pup? Only the tree knows for certain and it does not appear to be talking. If it could, however, I suspect it would say that it doesn’t care much for having four thumb tacks stuck into its body. But this is only an educated guess.

Regardless, it did get me to thinking about how bad dog urine is for our leafy friends so I did a little Googling. Here’s what The Straight Dope has to say about the subject:

…It’s hard to believe you’ve gotten through life without noticing that dog urine can cause grass, shrubs, and other plant life to turn brown and wither. This charming phenomenon is called “urine burn.” It’s caused by the ammonia and urea contained in doggie water (and, for that matter, in the urine of all mammals). Urea and ammonia are both good sources of nitrogen, an important fertilizer. But they’re simple compounds and they break down so quickly that the lawn, hedge, or whatever basically ODs on the stuff. Similarly, if you use too much inorganic nitrogen fertilizer, you’ll get “fertilizer burn.” The urine also makes the soil too acidic. The only cure is to dig up the ruined patch and reseed.

Well, you say, will just one dose wreck the local flora? It depends. One dose is certainly enough to do strange things to the grass. On a lawn where dogs have had free run you’ll see numerous funny-looking tufts where the grass is much taller and greener than elsewhere, having been fertilized by a passing canine. No big deal, you say–mowing the lawn will level things out. Here and there, however, the tufts may consist of a brown patch with lush growth around the fringes. The lush part got the optimum dose of fertilizer while the brown part got too much of a good thing. Mowing is not going to help this problem; time to get out the spade.

Chances are the tufts are the work of female dogs, which like to do their thing out in the open. Male dogs, by contrast, prefer some vertical landmark, such as a tree or shrub. These are generally hardier than grass, and one jolt won’t kill them. But you seldom get just one jolt. Male dogs use urine to mark their territories, and they like to return to the same spot again and again. In addition, when other dogs smell a freshly irrigated canine boundary marker, they often feel compelled to make a contribution of their own…

Ok. So we have established dog urine is in fact very bad for our leafy friends. But as Cecil Adams also points out trees are a lot hardier than grass. It takes more than the occasional gold shower to kill them. And taking into account that I have yet to see 101 Dalmations employ McGolrick Park as their pissoir of choice I have to confess: while hardly indifferent, I am not terribly concerned.

shitandvomit

But it does make me wonder about numerous bipeds I have seen who have pressed this public space into service as an al fresco commode/vomitorium. Hows does human waste affect plant life, you ask? I did a little research. What I found was surprising. Per an article from EZine @rticles entitled “Using Human Urine As Liquid Fertilizer”:

OK, so are you over the shock now??? In the not so distant past, we didn’t have the luxury of having a small room in the house where we could flush away our number ones and twos. But did you ever wonder how we managed before the water closet? Not that I want to get into the history of it, but let’s just say that before the times of our current throw-away society, people thought of multiple uses for just about everything.

Well maybe you didn’t know that human urine is the fastest acting, most excellent source of Nitrogen, Phosphorous, Potassium and some trace elements. Not only that, but we all have a constant, year round supply of it and it’s free! There’s not a lot of effort involved in creating this wonderful organic liquid fertilizer.

Some men I know are more than happy to oblige a tree, bush or lawn (out of view, of course)…

What are the advantages of using urine as an organic liquid fertilizer?

  • If you’re not flushing this valuable liquid down the loo, you are reducing your water consumption – good for the environment and your pocket
  • You’ll be reducing the amount of sewerage runoff
  • There’ll be less nutrients in our waterways
  • Urine as a liquid fertilizer is available in an ideal chemical form for plants to use
  • Gardening costs are less as your liquid fertilizer is free
  • It is readily available all year round and there are no transportation costs

Just so that you know, fresh human urine is sterile (unless there is a urinary tract infection: this urine should not be used) and so free from bacteria.

I recommend that you dilute urine to 10-15 parts water to 1 part urine for application on plants in the growth stage. Dilute to 30-50 parts water to 1 part urine for use on pot plants as they are much more sensitive to fertilizers of any kind.

Trees, shrubs and lawn should cope well without dilution. Withhold the use of urine liquid fertilizer on all food plants at least two weeks before harvesting. Apply under fruiting plants, not directly on foliage.

Don’t use urine older than 24 hours (t…t…t…TWENTY FOUR HOURS?!? — Ed. Note) on your plants as the urea turns into ammonia and will burn your plants. If it’s not fresh (*shudder* — Ed. Note), add it to your compost heap. Adding undiluted human urine to your compost heap will help heat it up quickly as it is an excellent activator and will add to the final nutrient value.

As far as antibiotics, vitamin supplements and other medications go, yes they will end up in your urine, but in such minute quantities that I believe to be negligible especially when it is diluted.

So put this excellent source of free liquid fertilizer to good use in your garden, rather than add to the burden that we as humans cause to our environment.

So there have you. It just goes to show you learn something new every day.

drunkdudepissing

Before reading the aforementioned article I thought the above chap was merely a drunk dude taking a piss in a plant bed on McGuinness Boulevard. Now I know better: this man is, in fact, an eco-warrior. What’s more, knowing all too well the commonly-held affection for public urination here in the 11222, Greenpoint could arguably be the “greenest” neighborhood in all Brooklyn! Who knew? In any case I suspect I speak for many when I say that I can only hope P.S. 110 will incorporate my new discovery into their curriculum.

Happy Earth Day Weekend!

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox

April 10, 2009 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit 

franklinstthumb On April 9, 2009 at 5:37 p.m. Lisa wrote:

walking down franklin earlier and witnessed an old man – stopping traffic – to complain to the cops about “the most revolting thing he had ever seen. outside dandelion wine.” of course hearing this just made me turn back for my phone. either my camera phone isn’t that great, or i’m a lousy camera-phone-photographer, because this pic (as seen at left— ed. note) does not in any way do this massive mound justice. i encourage you to walk by yourself (it’s not right outside dandelion, closer to java.)

I had a little time on my hands so I decided to swing by. It was not at all difficult to find.

bigshit

Here’s another shot that better establishes a sense of scale.

fivebars

Methinks this bad boy gets five stars— or would that be bars?

Miss Heather

A Trip Down Dog Shit Row

April 9, 2009 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

outoforder

A recurring theme brought up at Bob’s memorial last week was how the Internet can bring like-minded people together. This was certainly the case after the service: at long last I finally had the opportunity to meet the brains behind some of my favorite blogs*. We were present that Saturday afternoon for one reason: to celebrate Bob’s life and work as yes, grieve.

Thankfully not all web comradeship is so serious in nature. Take my friend Yotidadnmom, for example. He first entered my life via an email entitled how’s this for shitty, took it with my cell phone, sorry for the poor quality. Attached was one of the most revolting and substantial bowel movements I have ever seen (Caution: click the previous link at your own risk). After regaining my composure (and lunch) I replied as follows:

Looks like someone needs to eat more fiber. Where, may I ask, did you find this?

To wit he replied:

I’m a construction worker who does station rehabs for the MTA i find shit on walls columns, tunnels etc etc .. i’ll send u pics of shit as i find em…

Impressed and intrigued I wrote back:

Man, I bet you see all sorts of crazy shit. Thanks!

u have no idea .. big shit , small shit , smelly shit , rat shit, people shit , soft shit ,hard shit ….god i work in a world of shit

he replied. The previous dialog came to pass in May of 2008 and ever since I will occasionally find some new piece of “treasure” my intrepid turd enthusiast has found for my edification waiting for me in my inbox. Usually first thing in the morning over my first cup of coffee.

This week, mercifully enough, my Internet friend did not send me a jpg. Rather, he sent me a solitary link in an email entitled Thought of You. Curious to see what my brother in bowel movements had discovered, I pointed and clicked my way over to Brooklynian. Here is what I found:

dogshitrow

Now I have seen a lot of shitty sidewalks in my day. For this reason I have a certain amount of cynicism when someone calls this (or her) block in this case St. Mark’s Avenue between Grand and Classon Avenue, “Dog Shit Row”. Wishing to see how shitty this street really was I dusted off my Metrocard and checked it out for myself. Follows is what I found. Enjoy!

Is this the shittiest block I have ever seen? Not by a long shot. Nonetheless I’d be very mindful of where I step if I were you!

Miss Heather

*Like Best View In Brooklyn, for example. And while I am on the subejct I’d like to thank Nicole Davis of Brooklyn Based for the amazing work she did on this event— she was sort of overlooked at the service. Great job!

A Very Special Dung of The Day

March 18, 2009 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dung of the Day, Maspeth, Other Shit, Queens 

(Or: Queens Crap)

weirdcrapnys

My buddy over at Queens Crap (who was kind enough to send me this lovely find) opines:

My initial reaction–sort of round, shiny pellets of roughly medium-blueberry size–is rabbit. It doesn’t look like carnivore–raccoons, et al produce something that looks like cat crap, which is something that you’re all too familiar with. It’s not goose, which looks kind of like soggy, greenish Tater Tots.

And with that sidewalk and fence shadow suggesting an urban area, the color, and my impression of size, it’s not deer.

So, rabbit leads for now.

Indeed. It looks like the Easter bunny came early over in Maspeth!*

Miss Heather

P.S.: Special thanks goes out to my buddy Crappy for sharing this find. We make a great turd tag team!

*And Bushwick too for that matter.

jellybeans

Divine Dog Shit Intervention: Bushwick Style

February 26, 2009 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn, Bum Shit, Bushwick, Dog Shit, Dog Shit Signage, Dung of the Day, Other Shit 

Churches give me the creeps. The tradition in many faiths is religion runs along matriarchal lines. My father is an avowed atheist, my mother was raised Methodist. My grandmother (my mother’s mother) tried to inculcate the Calvinist vision into my person.

It failed miserably. Probably because I do want to slave for a salvation I will probably not achieve. If god has already elected his own why should I bother? Besides, the Sunday School classes were downright stupid.*

In the spirit of good faith (and acknowledging the arguments set forth on both sides)— I reached a moral compromise: agnostic. But when I witnessed what I saw on George Street yesterday it made my agnosticism shudder with self-loathing Calvinistic doubt.

churchofjoy

This is the Cathedral of Joy. It may not look very joyous but it is indeed a church and its mission is to save souls…

thisisachurch

houseofthelord

and fight dog shit.

This is a church. Have some respect for the house of the Lord. Please (unintelligible) or curb your dog. Thank you.

I found two turds and a pair of pink panties in front of this establishment. Across the street was another matter.

tenturds

thirteen

Thirteen turds. One for each apostle plus one. A veritable Last Supper of dog shit (Judas Iscariot included)!

My conclusion: the fear of/hand of god is motivating dog owners to take their shit elsewhere. Unfortunately in this case it is across the street.

But it is a start!

Perhaps the City of New York will take heed of this novel tactic?

Miss Heather

*Although it could arguably be good job training for corporate shills: rote memorization and repetition. Methodism makes for good stenographers. Regurgitating what has been said accurately without the onus of knowing what it means. No disrepect to stenographers. You work harder than Methodists do.

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