New York Shitty Day Starter: Simple Pleasures

Last week I saw a hipster wearing a “Mad Hatter’s” chapeau on Manhattan Avenue. Tucked in the band of his hat was a card reading: “I (marijuana leaf) NY”. I got peeved.

Lest I have not made my stance on “vice” clear before I will now: legalize it, regulate it and tax it. I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your homes— in fact, I don’t want to know— and I expect the same courtesy in return. Don’t shit in my proverbial living room and I won’t shit in yours. Call me a curmudgeon, but the biggest impediment to marijuana being decriminalized in my opinion are the hemptards . You know who I am talking about: the burn-outs who hang around Bedford Avenue canvassing to legalize marijuana. Perfect right wing fodder.

Their energy could be used for a better and more subversive use.

I thought to myself. Yesterday I found such as an example: in my wallet. I reached into my “Stripper roll”* to purchase sundries to find something most amusing:

Me: Oh my! I’m not giving you this.
Shop Owner (concerned): ???
Me (handing said promissory note over for his delectation): Look at it.

(Shop Owner and fellow cashier laugh)

washington

Is it my imagination or does George look like a cross of Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and Haile Selassie?

Miss Heather

*A wad of paper money whose higher denominations are on the outer layers for everyone’s edification.

Quicklink: Shit My Dad Says

SMDS

When I finally crawled out of bed this morning I was already in dire need of a good laugh. The Mister tossed and turned all night and the our little pride was more adamant than usual about getting their morning kibble. Thankfully Jay Lombard (of Unleash Brooklyn/Dog Habitat) brought the above to my attention: shitmydadsays. Here are some highlights:

October 8, 2009:

I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.

September 27, 2009:

Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.

September 24, 2009:

I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.

September 23, 2009:

You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.

September 19, 2009:

Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.

Those of you who have a twitter account: click here and enjoy for yourself the many piquant musings of Justin’s dad. I command you. Those of you who do not have a twitter account: get one. This chap is a pisser!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 10:40 p.m.: You can read a great interview with Justin, the progeny of this great man, by clicking here.

Technical Difficulties

October 7, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

itwillbedone

It has been brought to my attention by a number of readers that they are having trouble accessing this site. Firstly, I’d like to thank you for your concern. Secondly, I like you all to  know I am aware of the problem and have brought it to my tech support’s attention: the Mister. I imagine the malady which is afflicting New York Shitty should be cleared up in an hour or so. In the meantime I am going for a walk. You can look forward to more Shitty goodness later.

Thanks!

Miss Heather

Atlantic Antic Photos Du Jour: Just Look, Don’t Touch

October 6, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Brooklyn 

six

robots

Taken October 4, 2009.

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Day Ender: A Very Special Employment Opportunity

September 28, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Area 51, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New York City, Park Slope 

The Professor writes:

Hey Heather

I just ran across such a ridiculous Craigslist ad that I thought you might wanna see it. I don’t know that it’s anything you can use for your blog, or whatever, but it’s just such an extensively dumb solicitation that I thought you’d at least get a laugh.

Although, it could be a perfect setup for a big prank…*

Doc writes (in the aforementioned Craigslist advertisement):

Hi. Even for Craig’s List, this is going to be a strange ad. But read on – it’s strange but legit.

I’m a single, straight guy, in my early 40’s, recently moved to NYC, with almost no social circle here (and, even worse, I work on my own). No history of mental illnesss, jail time or listening to country music. Moving to NY has been fantastic, but the one thing is, I have been finding it hard to meet women. So I’m doing the normal, typical, rational thing that any guy in my position would do — I’m looking to hire a female “wingman,” that is, a “wingwoman,” to break the ice for me in social situations.

Strange but true.

This is a real job I’m offering; it’s not a personal ad in disguise, and I’m not a Nigerian scammer or a reality show producer, either. Perhaps more surprisingly, I’m also not a freak, weirdo or serial killer – I am just not good at walking up to a woman I don’t know and getting beyond “Hi” and I want to do something about it. (Basically, I want to avoid this guy’s fate.)

This would be a part-time, occasional gig. Get-togethers would be in Manhattan or Brooklyn; sometimes weekend afternoons, sometimes evenings. (Generally speaking, NOT in bars or nightclubs. I am more of a Brooklyn Flea / The Moth / Big Terrific / Midsummer Night Swing type of guy. This is also my kind of thing.) Probably 2-5 hours per stint. We would only meet in public places and I would pay you ($20/hour) cash.

And you don’t have to be single or even “unattached” to apply – there’s no “hanky panky” involved. (I really don’t care if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other, as long as that person knows about and is cool with the situation.)

If you want to know more details about the arrangement, check out these articles:

Are You With Him? Why Yes, Want to Date Him?

Wingwomen (8 pages long)…

WOW. I wonder if someone would pay me $20.00 an hour to be a cock blocker or chick repellent. I excel at both. I am a natural. “Doc” has also created a Facebook page which you can peruse by clicking here.

Miss Heather

P.S.: You can read “Doc’s” Craigslist ad in its entirety by clicking here or by clicking on the images below. Either way you’ll notice our man “Doc” is very detail-oriented!

CL1nys

CL2nys

CL3nys

P.S. #2: While I am on the subject of meetings and meat-markets, my good friends at Fucked In Park Slope will be hosting a “Meatup” this Wednesday, September 30th at The Bell House. For more information click here. B.Y.O.W. fellas.

*Or more annoying “viral” advertising.

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Putting The “Man” in Manhattan Avenue Park

sexiful1

Jay Lombard (who sent me the delightful images gracing this post) writes:

Wish you were here! Older gentleman in speedo. Glad to see some one is using the park… Best I could do without getting too close. Got the moon and the sun at the same time today.

sexiful2

Take THAT Long Island City!

Miss Heather

FOR SALE IN GREENPOINT: Boa Constrictors

FORSALE

I fully aware that by being both a crazy cat lady and a vegetarian I am a hypocrite; every evening while I’m prepping my “not dogs” or “facon” I am feeding my little pride dead animals. Nonetheless I cannot fathom having a pet whose “food” consists of cute little furry things with whiskers. Truth be told it gives me the creeps.

I suppose the difference is the meat I serving my feline friends has already been rendered lifeless. To each their own I guess. All I’m saying is if I ever find something like this while patronizing Chez Shitty’s shitter (or any other shitter for that matter) I’ll go Rambo on its ass.

Like I said before: I’m a hypocrite.

Miss Heather

P.S.: While I am on the subject of eating and Meeker Avenue, Wardak Supermarket is slowly, but surely, marching towards completion.

WARDAK

When I walked by today I noticed that they have installed the checkout stations and were in the process of outfitting the produce section.

Happy Birthday, Mister Heather!

August 25, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

I suppose I could write something warm and fuzzy— but that isn’t my style. The Mister once said I was one of the least sentimental people he has ever met. I beg to differ. On that note, I’d like to pull up an oldie but goodie from a couple of years ago. I get all weepy-eyed reading it…

Tuesday Night

with laughter!

After tripping over the carton, my husband goes about feeding the cats like nothing happened. He asked why I was taking his picture. I tell him it is for an anthropological experiment. Note that the bag is now directly astride the carton. Still no beer, but it is looking encouraging.

Click on the above image to get the low-down on life with the Mister.

Enjoy!

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photos Du Jour: McGuinness Boulevard

mickey1

For those of you who are not in the know, McGuinness Boulevard (by the Pulaski) is a veritable paradise of street art.

404

It seems to rotate, but these big-eyed birds keep showing up. I’m not complaining: I adore them.

4042

What’s more they have a few friends…

thedude

and this formidable (but friendly looking) fella. Across the street you can find this.

RDL

A little Pulaski poetry…

LOVE

and indecipherable German-esque gibberish.*

ted

Scrawled in dirt (?).*

heart

With hearts.*

mickey2

And this.*

If anyone knows “Ted”, has expertise in Chicago zombies or can decipher the above missives please email me at:

missheather(at)thatgreenpointblog(dot)com

or leave your findings via comments. Thanks!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 8:30 p.m.: Here are some ideas I received in my inbox!

Sean writes:

The German on the wall, I believe, basically says that love, to who ever wrote it, is that he cant be without a woman.

Jason writes:

I believe the last glyph that you posted was the Japanese character for Enter or Entry…  That would explain the arrow as well…

Griff notes:

That last pic looks suspiciously like a logo for Aphex Twin?

Aphex Twin

UPDATE, August 22, 1:30 p.m.: Here’s a few more!

Robert writes:

I saw that graffiti the other day while walking my dog.  I thought to myself that someone was copying the style of A.R. Penck.  A German artist whose work in the early 70’s was a mix of made up symbols and language.  I work at MoMA and we have a few examples on our website of his early 70’s work.

http://www.moma.org/collection/object.php?object_id=86742

wiki say
Despite the anti-art aesthetic the rough and ready quality of their construction, they have the same symbolic, archetypal anthropomorphic forms as his flat symbolic paintings. The paintings are influenced by Paul Klee’s work and mix the flatness of Egyptian or Mayan writing with the crudity of the late black paintings by Jackson Pollock.

But who knows?

Not writes:

http://www.newyorkshitty.com/?p=24135

that’s the lowercase greek glyph, lambda..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lambda

context: it’s a usage popularized by the video game, half life..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half-Life_(video_game)

Erik writes:

The “lambda” looking symbol with an arrow that you photographed is actually taken from the video game Half Life 2.  It is the symbol for the rebel/resistance organization fighting a conquering extraterrestrial species.  The lambda symbol appears throughout the game painted on walls, with arrow directing the player to a safe room stocked with weapons, health, etc.

See http://www.visualwalkthroughs.com/halflife2/routekanal1/31.jpg for an example.

*I had to do some Photoshopping to make these images easier to read.

Manhattan Photos Du Jour: After Dark

August 9, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

church

wanted

peacebike

stuff

fullenjoyment

Sleep

A few highlights from my ladies night out in the West Village with my best bud Rachael.

Miss Heather

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