Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Employment Opportunity!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Anyone interested in becoming the manager of Greenpoint’s newest watering hole should send their resume to: ed (at) ravenbrands (dot) com.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Video Du Jour: The Moonshine Soliloquy
I have said it before and I’ll say it again. Nothing has facilitated the culture of narcissism in this country more than the cellular phone. No matter where I go someone will undoubtedly be jawing or texting away with total abandon. When I go to the grocery store I will be invariably be stuck behind some woman multi-tasking a stroller, tendering her credit card and yammering away. BADLY. Restaurants are fair game as well. While I’m trying to savor my enchilada I am edified about how Lauren couldn’t possibly be Jewish because she is from Nebraska. I recently came home from dinner in Sunnyside via the B24. The entire ride home I had to listen to the bus driver in a heated argument with his girlfriend about something or other via his Bluetooth.I don’t know what it was about and I don’t want to know; I just want to get back to Greenpoint alive. Is this so much to ask? For a measly $2.00 (and given the MTA’s current financial woes), perhaps it is. But back to the purpose of this post.
In addition to impolite cell phone users yours truly also hates shouting. Unless there is a damned good reason to shout (e.g.; someone is about to walk in front of a moving bus, Barack Obama is elected president, New Year’s Eve, a rousing round of the World Cup, being batshit crazy, etc.) I see no reason for to engage in this practice.
Therefore you can imagine my delight when I had the pleasure of listening to some man scream profanity like a howler monkey into his cell phone for a solid twenty minutes last night in front of my apartment building. I was not prepared (How can one be ready for such an eventuality?) but I did manage to get some usable footage (crank up the volume for maximum f-bombtastic fun!). I’m not too sure what set him off. I think it is about a $400 phone bill. Or something. In any case be patient and savor “Moonshine Soliloquy” at the end. It’s worth the wait.
In the clarity that is 20/20 hindsight I could have assisted this chap. Mister Heather has a stash of applejack. I could have readily offered this to this gent in exchange for him shutting the fuck up. Or I simply could have dumped it on his head and lit a match. Either way it would have been a sad waste of hard liquor.
Miss Heather
Image Credit: hdforindies.com
‘Tis The Season: We Have The Biggest Balls Of All!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From Manhattan Avenue.
Miss Heather
LOOKIN’ GOOD GREENPOINT!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Not only were our very own Shit Tits given a nod by New York Magazine* as being one of the finest examples of new architecture/design in the entire city, but our fair burgh will also be the subject matter of WNYC’s** Christmas card this holiday season! How do I know this, you ask? Very simple. They sent me an email telling me so:
Congratulations – we have selected your photo to be on the holiday card this year.
We’ll send you some of them when they are printed.
A pretty spiffy shot if I say so myself! Although to be perfectly frank I would have gone with this.
Miss Heather
*Who failed to mention one of the very finest aspects of our “girls”: when it is misty at night (as it will probably be this evening) the sky above them glows blue!
**Whose first transmitter was located here, by the way. Go to the end of Greenpoint Avenue and see for yourself!
Salvation For Rent— Willing To Divide
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Jay (the tipster who brought this morsel of Craigslist goodness to my attention) writes:
Since when is Greenpoint “the safest neighborhood in New York”? Isn’t this a few blocks away from Club Exit? 4! minutes. not 5 to the midtown tunnel. If it was 5 I’d have to reconsider. very high ceilings – no shit. it’s a CHURCH.
I’ll take it, but only if I get to fedderize it.
Don’t believe that our very own St. Elias has been banished to the real estate limbo that is Craigslist? Click on the above screencap or go to craigslist and see for yourself. Sorry scenesters, no dance clubs allowed.
Miss Heather
P.S.: Only $400,000? Where do I sign?
From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: The Mooninite House
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I have a confession to make: I love this house. It looks like it is grimacing. And when you take into account this domicile has to stand watch over the BQE and Meeker Avenue day after day I can’t really say I blame it!
Miss Heather
P.S.: Those of you who are wondering what a “Mooninite” is should point and click your way over here.
Photo Credit: Victoria Belanger
‘Tis The Season: The King
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From India Street.
Miss Heather
Thought Of The Day
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
If the purpose of this campaign is to entice the reader with a $10 rebate after spending $100 on rapid transit, why is the man gracing said advert riding in a cab? Just a thought.
Miss Heather
P.S.: This post goes out to Dale for bringing this discrepancy to my attention.
From My Friend Crappy
One subject of conversation at the junk shop I am rapidly tiring of is the subject of female drivers. Larry da Junkman and Steve are of the impression north Brooklyn’s women drivers are among the worst to be found anywhere. I, being the good little feminist I am, emphatically disagree: all north Brooklyn drivers, regardless of gender, are pretty damned bad. On any given day —at the bat of an eyelash —a pedestrian’s or G train commuter’s life crossing a street can become an outtake from Death Race 2000. I myself have beheld the result of the Greenpoint driver. It isn’t pretty. But back to gender politics and an item my buddy over at Queens Crap recently brought to my attention.
If women drivers are so bad here why are both the motorists who have managed to drive into Newtown Creek male. Yes, I just said “both”. It happened again last month folks, but this time the driver was able to walked/swam away from the incident. Literally. On November 27, 2008 Times News Daily writes:
Police said that 21-year-old Brian Espinal of South Third Street in Williamsburg was taken into custody on reckless endangerment charges after he returned to the scene of the accident while emergency personnel scoured the creek for possible victims.
Authorities later determined that Espinal was alone inside his vehicle at the time of the accident.
Law enforcement sources said the accident occurred at around 6:40 a.m. Sunday morning along Metropolitan Avenue near Scott Avenue.
Reportedly, Espinal was behind the wheel of a 1997 Toyota Camry traveling eastbound along Metropolitan Avenue.
According to information obtained by police, the suspect was observed allegedly traveling at a high rate of speed, crossing over the double-yellow line and dodging oncoming traffic.
Moments later, law enforcement sources said, the suspect’s vehicle lost control and crashed into the guardrail before splashing into the Newtown Creek.
Following the crash, police noted, the suspect exited his vehicle, waded back to the shore and made his way back onto the avenue on foot. Reportedly, he hailed a livery cab traveling on Metropolitan Avenue and fled from the scene…
You can read the story in its entirely by clicking here. Otherwise I would like to close with a couple thoughts:
- Can you imagine how bad that livery cab must have smelled after having Mr. Espinal as a fare?
- Are there any daring women out there who would like to (wo)man a four-wheel U-boat on a one-way journey into Newtown Creek in the the interest of gender equality?* If so you better get cracking: there’s only three weeks left of 2008!
Miss Heather
*This is satire.
Photo Credit: Times News Daily.
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