From The New York Shitty Inbox: A Very Special Problem

I recently finished reading David Rakoff’s latest opus: Half Empty. While yours truly found the book as a whole rather enjoyable, there is one passage I found particularly compelling:

In gypsy folklore, when one has a secret that can no longer borne in silence one digs a hole in the ground and speaks those terrible truths into it. I was that hole.

I mention the previous because there are many an occasion, gentle readers, the New York Shitty inbox feels like such a hole. The aftermath of last year’s blizzard— or more accurately the rage that came with it— is one example. Follows is yet another.

On the evening of January 29, 2011 X writes:

Hey Miss Heather, your site was recommended to me by a neighborhood friend and I must say it’s quite entertaining! I have an issue that I was hoping you could help shed light on.  I woke up this morning and discovered this on my windowsill.

It appears that one of my neighbors is so barbaric, they feel the need to discard their unwanted house guests by tossing them out the window.  I found not one but four glue traps on my windowsills and air conditioner!!  Now not only is this inexplicably reckless and unsanitary, it’s incredibly selfish and shows total disregard or concern for their neighbors. I spent most of today calling various government agencies, 311, building management and even the police to no avail.  Everybody seemed to want to pass the buck on this.  Since no one else seems to care, I was hoping you would publish this letter in an effort to expose the despicable coward who is committing this act.  I’m hoping that one of your readers can help identify exactly who is responsible for this action.  Thank you. P.S. I live on Manhattan Avenue between Green & Freeman Street.

I have lived in Greenpoint for going on 11 years now. In this time I:

  • have almost had a pot full of rancid curry dumped on my head.
  • have overheard a verbal altercation between a man and woman in a foreign tongue (Hindi, perhaps?) and then watched in disbelief as a cache of XXX VHS tapes and a partially cooked chicken flew out the window. For what it is worth, I salvaged what VHS tapes were not destroyed upon impact and made the Mister watch them. He told me they were pretty bad.*
  • had to listen to a smoke/carbon monoxide detector outside my window beep away with merry abandon for over 24 hours because its former owner did not know how to dismantle it. TIP: remove the batteries.
  • had to explain the difference between a cat and a raccoon to a couple of chaps who were not in the know.

All the previous have been at the behest of one neighbor or another and came to pass years ago. I had honestly thought Greenpoint’s gentrification had eliminated this kind of behavior. Obviously this is not the case. If anyone has an idea as to whom is responsible for this dastardly (and downright disgusting deed) please shoot me an email at missheather (at) thatgreenpointblog (dot) com. Your identity will remain anonymous.

Miss Heather

*Little did we know at the time but this was the first of numerous pornographic purges from this residence. Among the DVDs to be had were “Latina Girls & Dirty Old Geezers” and “Raw Meat”. Tasty.


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