Disgruntled Williamsburg Parent Changes Tactics…

but his motivations/inducements are more or less the same.

Looking for an apartment…

This, his latest attempt, is subtle…

NORTH Greenpoint

and yet, more desperate. Maybe you, my fellow Greenpointers, can open your hearts and sublet your closet, tool shed or parking space so “John’s” precious children can receive a better education? One their father clearly did not receive: reading, writing, critical thinking, and ethics:

I need to move my two children from an otherwise great location in Williamsburg. but where They currently attend a dismally performing school and I wish have them to attend the school designated for this neighborhood (annotated: GreenPoint). To this end I am prepared to sacrifice as above or pay $$ to anyone who can help effect this (my latest attempt to bribe my children into a better performing school in a less “great” location).

Miss Heather’s mind is a terrible thing to waste. Especially when forced to read and correct the aforementioned drech while waiting to check out at The Garden while not wasted (intoxication makes illiteracy coupled with entitlement go down better for yours truly).

The quality of “North GreenPoint’s” schools is well known. To Greenpointers and one Gowanus Lounge commenter anyway:

why is he doing this now – didn’t do his homework before moving house?

The information that Greenpoint’s two schools were high performing and Williamsburg’s were not was already freely available before the grading.

Clearly John did NOT do his homework. Given this gent’s persistence, it begs one to wonder how many more concerned Williamsburg parents will try to lie/cheat/bribe their way into Greenpoint’s public schools.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Needs Neuticles!

NEUTICLES!

I came across the above sticker yesterday on Maspeth Avenue west of Olive Street. Amused, I took a photo of it. I had my suspicions as to what “Neuticles” were, so upon arriving home I immediately Googled it. They were exactly what I thought they would be (from neuticles.com):

Over 225,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering.

Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.

I spent an hour perusing this web site. I advise you, dear readers, to do the same. It is a comedy goldmine:

Neuticles are just plain neat!
—Rush Limbaugh

I wonder when Rush saw fit to lavish this praise upon Neuticles? Was it before or after he got caught with that illicit bottle of Viagra? If he had followed his own advice and got himself some Neuticles Rush might not have found himself in the previous predicament. He also would have spared the American people a lot of pain and suffering thinking about his bloated sack of pus hot air having sex.

Believe it or not, the “satisfied customers section” is even better:

I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen’t know he’s missing anything.

He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.

And my personal favorite:

Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.

Perhaps the previous pet owner should rename her canine companion Scroto Baggins? Just a thought.

Those of you who are interested in this product should be advised that the (s)experts at Neuticles have a vast assortment of nut bags for you to choose from. The budget conscious ball sack connoisseur can purchase the basic, no frills “Original” model, the more effete testicular snob can spend a little extra and get the “Ultraplus” model with Scargard.

Sizes range from XL, for pets weighing 110-190 pounds (in which case one nut will cost you $189 or you can get a pair for $269) to XS, for pets weighing 3-8 pounds (in which case one nutlet will set you back $59 or a pair can be had for a measly $94). What a bargain!

Cat owners, don’t despair: they have the perfect pair of balls for your pussy. All you need to do is grab that mouse, point and click! All major credit cards are accepted.

In closing, I have to confess that I have developed Neuticle envy while writing this post. Yesterday I walked to Artist & Craftsman Supply to buy some paper mache. Such is the real estate hoax of pimping Greenpoint as being an ‘artistic’ neighborhood: artists may reside here, but there are no longer any stores here to facilitate their (my, our) habit. North Brooklyn:

Be an artist or just look like one!

So off to East Williamsburg I went. And in so doing, I became the unwitting (and unwilling) object of affection for a number of fellows along the way. Hisses, whistles and yelling greeted me as I approached the BQE. As I recounted to a friend of mine later:

…my trek to the art supply store on Metropolitan Avenue and back was a gauntlet of hisses and whistles. One especially creepy guy beckoned for me to come over to his van (!!!) and talk to him. This was on Meeker (by the BQE), which made the situation even creepier. I am fucking 30-something years old. I am NOT going to walk over to some stranger’s van and to talk to him. Much less by the BQE. The previous scenario has “coming to the back of a milk carton near you” written all over it.

Perhaps if I had a pair of Neuticles, the previous chap would have left me alone? I don’t want the “XS” model either. I want ’em SO BIG I’ll need a handtruck to carry them.

Miss Heather

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