Fedders Friday: Wafertecture Fit For A King!

May 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Williamsburg 

Yesterday I expounded upon the phenomenon known as “crapification“. Today, in the spirit of Fedders Friday I will throw out a new piece of D-list real estate terminology for your delectation: wafertecture.

Wafertecture (waf’-er-tek’-cher) n. An architectural style commonly employed in the outer boroughs of New York City. Primary distinguishing characteristics include a strong resemblance to a vanilla wafer.

This stylistic genre first caught my eye in Bed-Stuy. Initially I thought it was merely an isolated incident accident. It wasn’t, as I learned on Siegel Street recently.

You can almost taste the rich vanilla goodness from a block away. Yummy.

This slab of sugar looks good enough to eat! I sure hope there isn’t an evil witch lying in wait inside.

Come to think of it, those Fedders boxes have made me lose my appetite. The gratuitous keystones only add to my aesthetic dyspepsia.

But I who am I to judge? These homes are fit for a king! As my husband noted, these lovely four family homes reference the Tudor style— as in two doors rammed together.

Looks like Hansel (or Gretel) escaped!

Miss Heather

P.S.: This piece of shit goes out to Queens Crap.

Fedders Friday: Eckford Street

Today’s installment of Fedders Friday hails from right here in Greenpoint. Many delights await the intrepid traveler who goes to Eckford Street.

Just north of Greenpoint Avenue one can check out 265.

This is the site of Crater Lake, which as you can see, is looking as inviting as ever.

And just down the street at 257 is this, a true masterwork of the Fedderist style.

Fedders boxes are evident, although the builder seems to have decided against placing one here. I am certain Louis Le Vau, the mastermind behind Versailles would understand this architect’s frustration at this egregious and unsolicited modification of his “vision”. That is, if Fedders boxes existed in the 17th century. Philistines.

Thank goodness no expense was spared regarding the use of cement and iron gates.

In keeping with great palaces, this one employed the use of a muralist. Art, after all, inspires and uplifts the soul. Just as Louis the XIV had Charles Le Brun at his service, the fine folks at 257 Eckford have seen fit to retain “DRIP”.

Yes sir your highness, this is one classy establishment.

A gracious host always see to it that his (or her) guests are entertained. In the era of the Sun King this usually entailed having extensively manicured gardens to stroll through and forests stocked with wild animals for the hunt. In Greenpoint we stick to down hill sledding.

As the buzzers attest there is no shortage of hired help on hand to attend to your every need. In addition, those of you who happen to overindulge at the ball, an amply stocked pissoir has thoughtfully been put in place for your convenience.

Tres magnifique!

Miss Heather

Luxury Condominiums For Sale!

April 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy 

Corcoran has made its presence known in Bedford Stuyvesant!

This must be a luxurious pile of crap if Corcoran has seen fit to pimp it.

Follows are some of the appointments for this luxury condo:

  1. Air-conditioning boxes by Friedrich.
  2. Shoddy brick laying (pointing).
  3. Exposed PVC and gutters.
  4. Exposed electrical meters.
  5. Ample of amounts of cement and no greenery whatsoever.
  6. Butt ugly balconies.

Way to go, Babs!

Miss Heather

Fedders Free For All!

April 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bushwick, Fedders Friday, Williamsburg 

I have been trying to figure out which variety of Fedders Specials I hate more: utilitarian buildings that make no effort whatsoever to “fit” into the environment around them or buildings that ape older architecture and fail miserably. I simply cannot make up my mind. For this reason I have decided to feature examples of BOTH for your edification today. Enjoy!

Representing Bushwick, I present to you The Three Faces of Decatur!

Our first contestant hails from the intersection of Decatur Street and Bushwick Avenue. This is the front.

Or is this the front?

Or perhaps this is the front? It’s rather hard to tell. Truth be told, I don’t think this building even knows for certain. If it did, at least the doors would match. Can I speak to Decatur White please?

Representing Carroll Gardens, I present the Columbia Street Cornice.

One of these cornices is authentic, the other is an impostor. Care to guess which one?

If you guessed this one as being the impostor you are correct! That said, this is a pretty admirable reproduction. Whoever fabricated it should be proud.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said about the rest of said building.

What the fuck were they thinking when they did this brickwork over the door and windows? Wait— don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

Which brings me to today’s final contestant. Representing Williamsburg at five stories is…

this thing.

Excusez moi, it’s called the LEANZA.

I wonder what “Leanza” means? Is it Italian for avert your eyes when the scaffolding comes down? Inasmuch as it pains me to write this, I think I might have found a building that makes the Belvederes look tasteful by comparison.

God help us all.

Miss Heather

Caption This Crap!

March 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy 

Fedderama

I found this select piece of Feddertecture recently on Putnam Avenue in Bedford Stuyvesant. As you can see a mural once graced the building next door but being the arbiter of good taste this developer was, he saw fit to build over it. Sort of. It looks like these children are headed for a madcap adventure in Fedderland.

Miss Heather

Ye Olde Fedders Of Yore

March 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Greenpoint Magic 

Today’s installment of Fedders Friday hails from none other than the Garden Spot of the Universe: Greenpoint, Brooklyn U.S.A.! Last weekend Mr. Heather accompanied me on my regular Greenpoint stroll. We may butt heads— often— but there is one thing we both agree upon: we like McGuinness Boulevard. “Mickey G’s”, as we so affectionately call it, is the pure essence of all things Greenpoint. What’s more, there’s a little nugget of Fedders history there I like to call Fedders Row.

Mickey G’s Fedderama

To be fair these buildings are not as repulsive as their contemporary counterparts, but they sure sport a lot of Fedders boxes.

Vintage Fedders

VINTAGE Fedders boxes. Note the use heraldry: whether it be wind, rain, snow or sunshine, the Sir Fedders has got you covered! I wonder what one of these would fetch on Ebay?

Fedders Rebel

This is not to suggest that everyone is content with his Majesty’s Fedders monarchy. This iconoclastic Cromwell of crap deposed his Fedders and installed a larger, generic air conditioning unit. Could this be the start of an air conditioning arms race? Does this homeowner wish to break away and start the People’s Airconditioned Republic of Friedrich? Only time will tell.

Mickey G’s Monster Truck

But there is one thing I know for certain: where Fedders is found so are super-sized motor vehicles. I don’t know about you, but I’d love to see this bad boy chew up some imported steel on Bedford Avenue. Even with crude oil going for the draconian sum of $104 a barrel it would totally be worth it.

Miss Heather

Introducing Friedrich Thursdays

March 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bushwick 

During my latest jaunt to Bushwick I had a most embarrassing moment. The following building (which is located on Schaeffer Street) was the catalyst.

Schaeffer Street Shit

As I laid eyes upon this building my first thought was:

Didn’t I feature this building already? I must have gotten the location wrong! Shit!

When I arrived home I frantically logged onto my computer and fact checked. Fortunately (or would that be unfortunately?) I was not incorrect: Bushwick simply sports an inordinate number of Fedders Specials.

Moving forward I will endeavor to have a better eye for detail —which brings me to the purpose of this post. A building need not sport Fedders boxes to be Fedder-esque in nature. The fine folks at Friedrich have their fair share of eyesores for the choosing and to ignore this fact would be a travesty. Thus, Friedrich Thursdays was born. Today’s turdage hails from Halsey Street.

Halsey Street Friedrich

As you can see this building is the epitome of what I like to call the “High Fedders Style”. It is appointed with such niceties as mismatched entrances, fake keystones, burglar bars, zero plant life, plenty of parking and…

Duct tape

duct tape. In the event of a chemical or biological weapons attack this unit will be 100% prepared. And this, dear readers, gives yours truly ample peace of mind.

Miss Heather

Behold, The Bed-Stuy Beer Bong!

March 4, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy 

I was originally going to feature this nugget of institutional architectural bliss as this week’s installment of Fedder’s Friday but since it is raining I felt is was better served by being showcased today. Last weekend my husband and I entertained a friend of ours from out of town. Wishing to be good hosts, we wanted to give our guest the quintessential New York Shitty experience. In other words, we took him on a grand tour of the finest Fedders Specials this city has to offer.

It was on Quincy Street that we found this, the benchmark for all things Fedders.

Quincy Street

As you can see all the required elements are present:

  • Exposed electrical meters
  • Nary a lick of greenery to be found
  • Burglar bars
  • And of course, Fedders boxes

But there is something that makes this property stand head and shoulders above its compatriots. A little “added value” if you will. Can you find it? I’ll give you a hint: look closely at the gutter on the left-hand side of the building.

Uh-OH!

I know what you’re thinking:

My god, that is one helluva design flaw!

I beg to differ. I am by my very nature an optimistic person. I prefer to see the (shot) glass half full— if for no other reason because that’s when I know it’s time to order another one.

Bed-Stuy Beer Bong

What we have here, dear readers, may very well be the world’s largest beer bong. Belly up to the bar New Yorkers, I bet these folks throw the best damned Fourth of July barbecues in town!

Miss Heather

Introducing Fedders Fridays

February 29, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bushwick 

This week has been a truly hectic one for yours truly. Every day I found myself running here, running there or running damned near everywhere. And as I was doing the aforementioned running around I made a startling discovery: no matter where I happened to find myself Fedders was already there. After giving this disconcerting fact some thought I decided why not honor the legacy (and ubiquity) that is Fedders by featuring a different manifestation of their product every Friday?

This inaugural installment hails Stockholm Street and Evergreen Avenue in Bushwick —a neighborhood bursting at the seams with Fedders goodness.

Stockholm Street and Evergreen Avenue

Just look at those electrical meters and cement. Tres chic!

Fedders Special Evergreen Avenue View

The artiste who designed this building was even thoughtful enough to put burglar bars over the boxes on the first floor. It’s a good thing too. Not only do they add a certain gulag-esque je nais sais quoi to this domicile, but I for one would get super-pissed if some simpering wannabe stole my Fedders boxes. I’ve heard these bad boys can fetch three figures on the black market…

in Uzbekistan.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Graham Avenue

February 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Williamsburg 

Luxury 2 & 3 family homes

A picture shows me at a glance what it takes dozens of pages of a book to expound.

Ivan Turgenev

How very true. I’d prefer to read a novel about the above-depicted turd than be forced to look at it.

Miss Heather

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