Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Art Lover’s Special

November 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Greenpoint Magic 

Ever had one of those moments when you realized something so fucking obvious you could kick yourself? Well, I had one of those epiphanies recently. It was as follows:

Greenpointers like chainsaw sculptures. A LOT.

Follows are a few of my favorite specimens. Enjoy!

Kingsland Avenue

India Street

The flower is a nice touch.

Eckford Street

Pope preaching to an assortment of woodland creatures and a Fedders box: priceless.

Miss Heather

Balconization Photo du Jour: Fedderized!

November 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Greenpoint Magic 

This image hails from where many things Fedderific are to be found: 133-135 Meserole Avenue, Greenpoint, Brooklyn, U.S.A. In the Garden Spot of the Universe even our Fedders boxes are get their own balconies. That’s what I call progress!

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday Part II: The New Style Cont’d

November 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy, Clinton Hill, Fedders Friday 

I would like to open this post with what is easily my favorite comment of the week. On November 18, 2008 superclam wrote:

Heather, I’m impressed. It’s both my job and my hobby to look at ugly buildings, and that is an exceptionally ugly building. Two distinct styles, and they both suck.

Speaking as someone who is not employed to look at ugly buildings but whose hobby is searching them out nonetheless I am really flattered by this endorsement from a professional. What’s more, it makes me think of this beauty from Greene Avenue in Clinton Hill.

By all appearances it looks like the architect of this building started with a Modernist vision on the right but changed his (or her) mind one third of the way through. I suppose it really doesn’t matter what “style” this building is. It’s still uglier as homemade sin.

On a clear day in Bedford Stuyvesant you can see Fedders forever, and ever, and ever more!

I am one of nine.

You will be assimilated.

They must have some pretty bad drivers down in Bed Stuy is the developer feels compelled to erect pylons like this.

bodmin brought up a very salient point when he/she noted the solitary advantage of living in a Fedderplex such as previous…

or this…

or this…

or this:

No matter what it looks like on the inside, the great advantage of living in it would be that when you were home you wouldn’t have to look at the exterior!

How very true.

What’s more those exposed electrical meters are a darned convenient place to rest your coffee cup while you get out your keys.

There’s always ample parking.

And not just for automobiles either.

Knish carts are also welcome with open arms.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday Part I: The New Style

November 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy, Fedders Friday 

I am so inspired by the piquant feedback I received regarding this post I have decided to hit you up with not just one —BUT TWO —installments of Fedders Friday today. Enjoy!

Just yesterday the Mister regaled me with the good news that our investments (courtesy of our stock market) took yet another hit. On top of that no one is lending money nowadays. It’s a shame, actually as there are so many great deals out there to be had now.

I cannot for the life me understand why this beauty (which hails from Dekalb Avenue) has not been snapped up yet.

It’s not like the purchaser won’t be in good company or anything: this building holds court just down the street. Note how the developer took the trouble to add chrome doors and make the balconies match. That’s what I call luxury!

Of course if living on Dekalb Avenue isn’t your cup of tea there is this stellar two family home on Tompkins Avenue. For the record I have been watching this building for some time and believe it or not this is an older building that has been retrofitted to sport all the amenities a bona fide Fedderista demands…

including but not limited to:

  • Large quantities of cement
  • Ample amounts of fencing
  • Exposed electrical meters

What are you waiting for? Call May today!

You know times are tough when even Corcoran is shilling crap like the following (which hails from Lafayette Avenue).

As it happened I got to witness something rather amusing after taking the above photograph it went something like this. I notice a gentleman in his late twenties standing on the stoop of a brownstone across the street. After waiting for sometime he pulled out his cell phone and made a call. His end of the dialogue was as follows:

I thought it was 703. It’s 706? Okay.

Suffice it to say the expression on chap’s face when he made visual contact with “706” was more than a little entertaining. As New York Shitty reader noel recently opined (regarding my hatred of the gratuitous use of keystones):

…the keystones indicat(e), “douchebag lives here, and here, and here, etc…

If this is indeed true —and taking into account the look of disappointment on the above-mentioned client’s face— it would be safe to presume that while possibly being a hipster this gentleman was not a douchebag. Isn’t deductive logic fun?

I am going to close this post with this comely specimen from Willoughby Avenue. Having had a rather extensive liberal arts education I find the fact a beauty salon called “Venus” graces this building. Those of you who know your mythology will know precisely what I am talking about.

This concludes today’s first installment of Fedders Friday. Why not grab a cup of coffee (or a barf bag) and prepare yourself for “Part II”. I assure you it only gets better.

And by “better” I mean worse.

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Abjectecture: It Came From Clinton Hill

November 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Abjectecture, Articles of Fedderization, Clinton Hill, Vomit 

I live in north Brooklyn. If that alone isn’t enough “street cred” to assess ugly buildings here’s something else.

I have watched this abomination of a “modification” blossom on Broadway. This building was once was exactly like its friend to your left. No more. Don’t believe me? Click here and see for yourself.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post. I have often asked myself:

What would happen if a balconized piece of abjectecture was “upzoned” thus further crappified?

Yesterday, dear readers, I got my answer. And it came from Clinton Hill:

THIS.

It hails from Lexington Avenue— and while more diminutive in stature than most of its craptastic brethren— I can honestly say it is one of the most hideous buildings I have ever seen. Given where I live (Greenpoint) that’s really saying something. It’s like they made it up as they went along. And, in all likelihood, they probably did.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Note how the “keystones” are carried over to the addition. Classy.

Word Of The Day: Balconization

November 17, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Bed-Stuy, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

bal’ke-ne-za-shen: n. a proliferation of galleries projecting from the front of luxury condominium buildings in gentrifying neighborhoods. While often little more than concealed fire escapes, balconized buildings usually are out of context with surrounding buildings and are festooned with such various and sundry items as laundry, bicycles, and satellite dishes. v. (balconized, balconizing, balconifies) See: Fedderize, crapification, Belvedere Realty, 156 Pulaski Street.

Note the institutional light fixtures. NICE.

Miss Heather

Fedders Friday: A Very Special Gift

November 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday, Greenpoint Magic 

I recently received an email from Ann Kansfield of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. It read as follows:

I have an awesome gift for you that I found this morning. Are you around today that I might be able to get it to you?

Unfortunately I was sick and told her to wait. Then she emailed me the following irresistible teaser:

No worries – take your time and feel better. To help you along in your healing process, or at least make you smile… can I tell you what I found for you? — it’s a tin Fedders sign. You can hang it on your wall and feel all cool and kitsch. If you don’t like it, you won’t hurt my feelings.

Needless to say I headed down there the next day without delay. FEVER be damned!

She even left it out front for me.

I’ve had this beauty in my apartment for a couple days now. It has become my muse, so to speak. Yesterday I had an epiphany. A vision of Fedderism so glorious I will not divulge it at this time. It will take some time and a lot of planning. The latter of which I am not especially adept at. But take my word for it: when it comes to pass it will be good.

In the meantime this select item will hang above my laundry hamper next to my framed letter from Jim McGreevey.

Miss Heather

P.S.: For more inexplicably Fedders Friday-esque goodness be sure to check out Brownstoner’s new feature “Horror Show Fridays”.

Great Moments In Abjectecture: Sunset Park

October 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Fedders Friday 

After featuring so much Sunset Park goodness last week I thought today I would spice things up a bit by sharing some absolutely breath-taking examples of their abjectecture. The following structures may not sport Fedders boxes, but that doesn’t really matter. They embody the spirit of Fedderization and as such deserve a big ol’ New York Shitty nod. Here we go!

This beauty hails from 8th Avenue. If you look carefully you will notice this edifice once looked very much like its neighbor to the right. Not anymore!

It’s been FEDDERIZED! I really have to admire workmanship like this. It makes me feel right at home…

IN COLD WAR ALBANIA!

When I lived in Astoria I used to ride the N train. This was back before the W was brought in so my commute was always crowded as hell. One Friday afternoon I am riding home— one of many sardines packed into a glorified tin can— when I noticed this kid in front of me acting strangely. Then as we turned that sharp curve between Queensboro Plaza and Bebe Avenue he spewed forth a gusher of neon orange vomit. Everyone in or near the event horizon non-chalantly moved away from his salvo. I didn’t. I just stood there and stared. I had to: I had never seen anything like that before in my life.

I mention the previous anecdote because it sort of reminds me of this. These folks were not content with mere Fedders or Friedrichs boxes. They outdid the Joneses with a big fat Haier model and made good and damned sure everyone knew it!

Lastly I would like to close with this, a most fascinating specimen from 54th Street.

I know what you’re thinking:

Man oh man, where is Miss Heather going to start with this one!

I think a better question would be when will I ever finish! For the sake of brevity here are a few choice highlights.

Just a reminder folks: Enver Hoxha isn’t responsible for this stellar example of craftsmanship. This masterpiece hails from the good ol’ U.S. of fucking A.!

I initially wondered what comes out of these pipes.

Could it be for rainwater?

I thought to myself. NAH! These two conduits overflow with capitalism. Hallelujah!

And finally in the excessive signage department.

As if the slab of cement in of this building was uninviting enough, the powers that be still saw fit to admonish us in English and Chinese no less, that no playing is allowed in this “yard”.

But they didn’t rule out seppuku!* What’s more, they provided a nice big chrome fence to impale your self on!

Miss Heather

*Yes I realize this is Japanese, not Chinese. It’s the thought that counts!

Great Moments In Aluminum Siding Volume XVIII

October 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Vinyl Siding 

Aluminum siding exposure is to a Greenpointer what arsenic poisoning was to a Victorian: after time (and repeated exposure) one builds up a resistance. Thereafter more siding (or arsenic) is necessary for the desired effect to take effect. I beg to differ. Sometimes “less” is more. I like my siding with a “twist”.

CASE IN POINT: This house in Sunset Park I call “Right Eye”.

This gem would be overlooked by a mere siding dilettante. Not me. I’m a professional.

What we have here is classic case of L.S.F.B.V.G.S.:

  • Low siding (not related to low riding)
  • Fedders boxes (in this case two)
  • Vandalism with gratuitous signage

I’ll tackle the second point first.

This is classic Fedders heraldry. You don’t see beauties like this much anymore. Please download this image so your children (and grandchildren) can enjoy the glory that is nascent Fedderization.

Low siding, vandalism and gratuitous signage

Note how the heraldry motif (From the Fedders boxes) is carried over to the garage door. (Of questionable taste to some but consistent!) A garage door, I will add, that is obstructed by a great deal of aluminum siding. Whoever owns this house loves him (or her) some siding. They deserve to be an honorary Greenpointer!

The gratuitous signage is pure gravy.

Thank you Sunset Park for the best “fix” of aluminum siding goodness I have seen in months!

Miss Heather

Word Of The Day: Pimpification

September 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Greenpoint Magic 

pimpification (pimp’-if-fic-ka-shen) n. Customizing a standard turn of the century four story walk-up using large quantities of stucco, glass and chrome. The end product should be jarringly out of context and garish, if not downright bizarre. —pimp’-i-fy’ v. (ified, fying, -fies) Not to be confused with crapification. See: Green Street.

First came the stucco and chrome. I called it Fedderized.

Then they painted the curb yellow and wrote “No Parking 24/7”. My neighbor parked there anyway. She got a ticket. She called the city; they got a citation and were ordered to correct it. Now the sidewalk reads “Parking 24/7”.

Then came the awning and garbage can holder.

I called these hilarious.

Finally the fancy doorbell next to an institutional grey sheet metal door caught my eye. Then it hit me: this was no mere act of crapification. This was something more.

This building has been PIMPIFIED!

Miss Heather

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