WANTED IN GREENPOINT: Educated Physicist

February 25, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Chris, the discoverer of this wonderful item, writes:

Hello Miss Heather,

…thought you might find this interesting.  Not sure if you’ve seen this yet, but this flier was posted on the street lamp on Franklin and Greenpoint Ave., right outside of the Pencil Factory this morning.  Obviously, my cell phone picture is less than great quality, but apparently someone who is close to building a time machine in Greenpoint is looking for physicist to work on some of the numbers for said time machine.

Not sure if it’s a hoax or not, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

wanted

I am an inventor who are very close to the fabrication of working TIME MACHINE here in Greenpoint workshop. I’m looking for a consultant who is Math educated to help with difficult equations.

Looking for local Mathematician/Theoretical Physicist: preferably with (unintelligible) engineering experience and a willing-desire to explore the future and past.

Payment deferred. If Consultation and math correct then payment will be immediate upon answering this posting.

If this posting is still up I have not figured the time machine out yet and need your help! Must have knowledge of…

Any “educated physicists” interested in following up this most unique employment opportunity should make his (or her) way to the southwestern corner of Greenpoint Avenue and Franklin Street without delay as this appears to be a limited time offer. Good luck…

and have a safe trip!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, February 27, 2009: You can see this advert in some semblance of entirety by clicking here.

Reader Comment Of The Day: Shots On Franklin?

February 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Trusty Nick writes (in regards to this, the previous post):

Thought I heard gunshots last night (sunday morning) around 3:30am from my place just off Franklin on Milton.  Sounded like a fight and at least 4 shots…  anyone else hear this?

shayzlounge

As it would happen I bumped into (who I presume to be) the owner of Shayz Lounge. He was so sweet I wanted to pick him up and keep him in my pocket. But I digress.

smashedwindow

Upon noticing a rather substantial hole in the front window of his business I asked him what happened. He told me that at around 3:00 o’clock this morning a couple (who were NOT patrons of his establishment) got into a verbal altercation in front of his establishment. Not having mastered the art of Anger Management this gentlemen decided to voice his displeasure to his mate by smashing his fist through a window. THIS window. In addition I was told a number of people on Milton Street have reported having their car windows smashed in lately.

Aren’t you happy, fellow Greenpointers, our neighborhood is attracting such a fine caliber of citizen? I suspect I speak for many when I say I hope this jerk broke every bone in his damned fist.

Miss Heather

Real Estate Insanity: East Williamsburg Style

February 18, 2009 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Williamsburg 

300amonth

As found in a bodega on Metropolitan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: Special National Hug Day Edition

January 21, 2009 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday— to say the very least— was an interesting day. First it was finding a burned out car on India Street on the way to meet someone for lunch. Then when I was walking home on Franklin Street a SUV tore past me spewing forth the special perfume only to be found from smoldering high grade weed. I found the latter rather disturbing because (as many of my fellow Greenpointers can attest) the driving skills of my fellow Garden Spotters are marginal at best— even when sober.*

Anyhoo, these concerns quickly faded into the recesses of my consciousness when I reached Calyer Street. That’s when I was greeted with the sounds of shouting. As Jane Fonda so sagely observed in the movie Barbarella:

…good many dramatic situations begin with screaming…

This occasion was no exception. In fact one of the shouters was brandishing a 1 x 4 for added dramatic effect.

Maybe these gents are discussing the pluses and minuses of Michelle Obama’s inauguration gown? Everyone’s a critic I suppose. I for one thought it was very nice.

Miss Heather

*Watch how they parallel park, for example.

READ THIS FIRST

December 21, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or some strangeness from the junk shop).

Yesterday The Thing had a customer with a most interesting request. He was seeking a thoroughly craptastic gift for five dollars or less. It was for his brother in law. I had honestly never given the matter any thought, but the good ol’ junk shop is an excellent place to purchase gifts for that not-so-special-someone: amongst all the treasure to be found are some items if, not outrightly repulsive, are downright odd. Yesterday proved to be no exception. I found an ancient, rusted out vaporizer, we agreed on the asking price of one whole dollar and our intrepid brother in law was on his merry way.

On that note I would like to share a couple choice discoveries I made at The Thing yesterday while rustling amongst the boxes (UPON BOXES) that were delivered recently. Enjoy!

1. One Bag of Floppy Disks With A Most Mysterious Note

I happened upon the note first.

This was a good thing as it enabled me to follow the author’s instructions to the letter. Let’s see what were are to read first, shall we? It looks pretty important.

Whoa dude! It’s one thing to toy with man’s life but his son’s puberty as well?!? As it would happen the Mister possesses a floppy disk reader. Guess what we will be doing this Christmas holiday? I can hardly wait.

Next up, I remember my parents telling that my Kindergarten class held a mock election in the aftermath of the Watergate scandal. Amusingly enough, my none-too-politically-aware classmates voted unanimously for Tricky Dick. I suppose that’s to be expected from a bunch of five year olds, but what about a grown adult who sees fit to erect a shrine to the man whose middle name is Milhous? Yup, you just read me correctly.

2. The Richard Milhous Nixon Shrine To Freedom

Methinks this will have to be made into a postcard. Or something. Ideas anyone?

Miss Heather

How Not To Blog: North Brooklyn Blind Item

November 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

AKA: How did you spend your weekend?

I spent mine hanging out home, reading, doing some (MUCH OVERDUE) house cleaning and taking some photographs. One of my fellow north Brooklynites had a much more provocative time last night. What’s more, he/she deemed it worth sharing with the world.

Punching a woman in the face. WOW. That’s much more provocative than, say, washing dishes or feeding cats— which is what I did yesterday. Occasionally I fantasize about punching the Mister in the face after picking up one “too many” of his messes. I am not a barbarian; we talk things over. What’s more, I know the penal code. Punching someone in the face is a class A misdemeanor.

I suppose then it would only be reasonable that my fellow blogger is not aware of the following either.

Threatening someone online constitutes Aggravated Harassment. Another class A misdemeanor.

Before you punch: point, click and assess the consequences, Miss Deameanor. The recipient of your criminal acts might feel compelled to prosecute.

Case closed.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I didn’t publish the “choice bits” nor do I intend to.

P.S. #2: This is an embarassment to any and all people who write blogs. For the right reasons.

A Very Greenpoint Blind Item: Bad Finger, Part II

November 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

A couple of weeks ago I struck up a conversation with a local bartender here in the Garden Spot. He, unlike yours truly, was Brooklyn born and bred. What can I say? Some are lucky enough to be born in Brooklyn. Others (like yours truly) are Brooklynites who have to find their way back home. But I digress.

He told me about when his father would bring to him to Greenpoint as a child:

Please dad, don’t make me go! They have chickens running in the streets there!

I assured him that on occasion chickens do, in fact, still wander our streets. He laughed and regaled me with some late night shenanigans he has had the pleasure of witnessing while “closing shop”. This includes but is not limited to:

  1. Finding a drunk woman asleep in a puddle of her own vomit under his car.
  2. Watching blitzed gents from another nightclub roll down the street knocking over garbage cans and generally (for wont of a better way of putting it) fucking shit up. REPEATEDLY.

Ah, progress— or would that be gentrification? In any case his tales made wandering chickens look downright quaint if I say so myself.

All the previous florid (if abject) rhetoric does indeed lead to today’s blind item. A very curious bit of Greenpoint gossip I overheard yesterday. Something so bizarre —yet oddly appropriate— that I feel compelled to pass it along to my fellow Garden Spotters.

It is RUMORED that a certain bar in our fair burgh had a brawl which culminated in a person biting off another person’s finger. Whether or not this is indeed true I do not know (and like the 94th Precinct would confirm it it anyway). Nonetheless it reminds me of a great story I dug up from the New York Times archives and posted just over a year ago. A tale this bad is good enough to run twice. Enjoy!

For those of you who are wondering 214 Franklin Street now houses Hanami Designs. Among other businesses.

Oh how times have changed! Or have they? I’m going to be tightfisted in my prognostication.

For obvious reasons.

Miss Heather

UPDATE, November 6, 2008: This rumor has been confirmed! An anonymous tipster writes:

As a loyal reader of your blog, I thought it my civic duty to confirm the rumor about which you spoke. Indeed, there was a fight in the Red Star bar, between an employee and a patron, the result of which was the patron’s finger being bitten off by the establishment’s employee. The bar held a luncheon after a funeral service for a local Greenpointer, 28-year-old Kevin Krol, who tragically fell at a construction site and after fighting for his life for about a week, succumbed to his head injuries. A fight broke out, a luncheon attendee tried to break it up, the bar employee got involved and the person’s finger was bitten off by the employee. Deliberately? I don’t know. I know the person who is now short by half a finger, and I can only confirm that this definitely happened. I enjoy your blog very much, and you may post this, I only ask that you leave my name and my username out of it. Thanks, and keep up the great work!

Photo Credit: ScareFX.blogspot.com

The Self-Indulgent Anniversary Post

November 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People 

As of last night, October 31, 2008 Mister Heather and I have (more or less) enjoyed three years of matrimonial bliss. About.com states about year three:

The 3rd wedding anniversary is often when a couple is aware of their durability of their relationship. That is why leather is the traditional gift for this celebration. Here are some third wedding anniversary ideas and symbols to help you choose gifts associated with your 3rd marriage anniversary…

A riding crop or cat of nine tails would be greatly appreciated by yours truly. If for no other reason than it might motivate Mister Heather to put his panties in the laundry hamper.

Because “I did”.

Miss Heather

“Guy At Greenmarket”

October 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

On October 19, 2008 Theresa wrote regarding this post:

Hi Heather!

I am a lurker of your blog. I just wanted to comment on the guy ranting at McCarren Park. Apparently, that is his place to rant. When I was there a few weeks ago, he was ranting about how it was okay for boys to go shirtless but girls can’t. He said they was wrong and sexist…

Very odd

As it would happen I found a documentary on YouYube which proves our local “crazy guy” also likes to dispense his pearls of wisdom in Williamsburg. The more the merrier I say. Besides our friends to the south are entitled to a little “extra value” with those million dollar condos and prohibitively expensive rental property. Enjoy!

Where will the “crazy guy” set up his soapbox next? I guess we will all have to wait and find out!

Miss Heather

G Is For OH MY FUCKING GOD!

October 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City 

Earlier this week we learned that a Williamsburger named Sal has a very special secret admirer who is into Lucha lovin’ a la upstate New York. Today October 25, 2008 I regret to inform you, dear readers that the unfathomable has indeed come to pass: someone has been deflowered on the Crosstown Local. I suppose $2.00 subway fare is still cheaper than a no-tell motel— although the more economical subway sybarite might consider purchasing an unlimited ride Metrocard instead.

You can get all the sordid deets (with visuals) over at Bitchcakes Commutes as she had the pleasure of discovering the artifacts and braggadocio from this dirty deed done dirt cheap.

Enjoy!

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Bitchcakes

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