Great Moments In Aluminum Siding Volume XVIII

October 15, 2008 ·
Filed under: Articles of Fedderization, Vinyl Siding 

Aluminum siding exposure is to a Greenpointer what arsenic poisoning was to a Victorian: after time (and repeated exposure) one builds up a resistance. Thereafter more siding (or arsenic) is necessary for the desired effect to take effect. I beg to differ. Sometimes “less” is more. I like my siding with a “twist”.

CASE IN POINT: This house in Sunset Park I call “Right Eye”.

This gem would be overlooked by a mere siding dilettante. Not me. I’m a professional.

What we have here is classic case of L.S.F.B.V.G.S.:

  • Low siding (not related to low riding)
  • Fedders boxes (in this case two)
  • Vandalism with gratuitous signage

I’ll tackle the second point first.

This is classic Fedders heraldry. You don’t see beauties like this much anymore. Please download this image so your children (and grandchildren) can enjoy the glory that is nascent Fedderization.

Low siding, vandalism and gratuitous signage

Note how the heraldry motif (From the Fedders boxes) is carried over to the garage door. (Of questionable taste to some but consistent!) A garage door, I will add, that is obstructed by a great deal of aluminum siding. Whoever owns this house loves him (or her) some siding. They deserve to be an honorary Greenpointer!

The gratuitous signage is pure gravy.

Thank you Sunset Park for the best “fix” of aluminum siding goodness I have seen in months!

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Photo Pool: Studies In Siding

October 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

When I saw these glorious studies in Greenpoint siding (courtesy of mugsniffer) in my photo pool I just knew they were the perfect way to kick off the weekend. Enjoy!

I don’t know about you but I found these images strangely inspirational. So much so that I would like to propose that October 10 henceforth be known as Aluminum Siding Appreciation Day. Are you with me fellow Greenpointers?

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Aluminum Siding, Volume XVII

July 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

Last week, dear readers, we learned about the sub-neighborhoods of Greenpoint. Our fair burgh’s affection for siding has at last been duly noted for posterity (my only hope is Very Small Array will make t-shirts). Not only do a great many people know about the quantity and quality of siding to be found here in the Garden Spot of the Universe, but there are some who actively seek it out! Siding connoisseurs, if you will. What’s more, they’re damned choosy. As I learned today.

I was walking down Calyer Street when I noticed a gaggle of smartly dressed folks bearing clipboards and file folders. Thinking that they were Realtors or speculators I tagged along behind them. They weren’t: they were siding specialists!

Man (pointing to the entrance of a house on Calyer Street): Is this the right period?
Woman: Could be. (All stop to examine said domicile)

It was at this point my curiosity got the better of me. I fancy myself as an ambassador of sorts for our fine neighborhood. What’s more, I am not shy about striking up conversations with total strangers. Especially if they happen to be brandishing clip boards.

Miss Heather: Excuse me, are you scouting locations or something?
Woman: Yes.
Miss Heather: I take it you are looking for vinyl siding.
Woman (pointing to aforementioned edifice): Well, actually this one is aluminum.
Miss Heather: Don’t worry, we have plenty of both around here. Good luck!
Woman: Thanks.

And on that note I left them to their building of choice.

Calyer’s ready for her close-up Mr. DeMille!

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Aluminum Siding: Volume XVI

June 14, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

It’s been a long, long time since I have documented some quality siding action here in Greenpoint. Too long, in fact. Thankfully, I walked down Java Street and got my religion back.

Ragu I, meet Belvedere XII. I don’t know about you, but at $10 the house of Ragu is not only very affordable, but it is also more attractive.

Miss Heather

P.S.: This one goes out to my reader who learned that his childhood home was razed to build Belvedere 12.

Great Moments in Aluminum Siding Volume XV: The Gauntlet

March 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Vinyl Siding 

Gauntlet

I recently watched the trailer for this movie on Videodetective. Why would Miss Heather entertain herself with seventies schlock, you ask? Well, I took a walk down Eldert Street recently and thought of this movie for some inexplicable reason.

Eldert Street Bunker

The owner of this house appears to be rather vigilant about being protected from the elements. Whether or not the aforementioned are his neighbors or merely inclement weather is anyone’s guess. I can almost hear Sondra Locke whining from here.

Front view

One thing’s for certain: beige is clearly this person’s favorite color. So much so that he elected to have his car match his house. Those are some pretty fierce rims. There’s no way in hell an army of sharp shooters are going to blow out this guy’s tires.

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Aluminum Siding, Volume XIII

February 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Vinyl Siding 

If any of the following describe you:

  1. I am the Wicked Witch of the West (and cannot bear water)
  2. I am Count Dracula (and cannot withstand sunlight)
  3. I want to have the most badass water slide on the block.

the house of your dreams awaits on Woodbine Street.

278 Woodbine

Watch out for that fence, it’ll poke ya!

278 Woodbine Side

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

No need for long tresses hon, the siding is there! Weee!

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Aluminum Siding, Volume XII

February 5, 2008 ·
Filed under: Vinyl Siding 

Mr. Heather having a digital camera has proven to be a double-edged sword for me. Going to back to his old love, photography, has made Mr. H very happy. Unfortunately it also entails that I have an extra set of eyes, mouth —and most importantly stomach— when I go out to take photographs.

As you can probably imagine this can be a source of conflict on occasion. Fortunately the Mister (occasionally) makes up for it by finding some hitherto select gem that even impresses my own admittedly jaded eye.

Case in point: 167 Wyckoff Avenue.

167 Wyckoff Avenue

I have not seen such exquisite use of aluminum siding in a very, very long time. You can always leave it to our friends down in Bushwick to be on the cutting edge of aluminum siding usage. Where are the windows, you ask? Pah— those are for gentrifiers and dilettantes! 167 Wyckoff Avenue doesn’t need no stinking windows.

167 Wyckoff Avenue Side

Well, okay maybe two.

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Siding, Vol XI

October 8, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

Although I have much more field research left to do, I wanted to assure each and every one of you that I have been quite busy touring the streets of Greenpoint in search of its sidingest block. Had I known how monumental a task this was going to be I probably would not have undertaken it. But I have, goddamn it, and I will.

One interesting finding I have made thus far is the Garden Spot’s current predilection for stucco. In fact, I will go so far as to predict that stucco will supplant siding as one of Greenpoint’s distinguishing characteristics (alongside the Belvedere Dynasty, naturally) in the not-so-far-off future. Does this bother me? Not in the least. Especially if it means we’ll be seeing more houses like this one.

Another Great Job

I saw this house while riding the B43 bus home yesterday. I was immediately captivated. As an artist I cannot fathom why someone would put pumpkin orange and mint green stucco together. Fortunately, this was not my decision to make: clearly the owner of this house (and the wizards at Katosy Stucco) thought these two colors went together swimmingly. And I have to confess, it’s growing on me.

Great job, guys! I mean this in all sincerity.

Miss Heather

Search for the Siding-est Street in Greenpoint

September 14, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

Russell Street

***NEWSFLASH***

I have decided a new project is in order: determining which block in Greenpoint has the most houses sheathed in vinyl siding. Given the scope and seriousness of this project I need help from you, dear readers. Those of you who want to nominate a block*, please shoot me an email at missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com.

You immediate attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Miss Heather

*I also want to make it clear that any tips about new stuff going on in The Garden Spot (especially art openings and other cultural events) are greatly appreciated. I like giving other artists a little exposure— but please give me as much advance notice as possible. I can be forgetful at times.

Great Moments in Greenpoint Siding Volume IX

July 13, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Vinyl Siding 

I want to open with a thought-provoking comment that was posted regarding last week’s Greenpoint siding superstar. Fisher6000 writes:

I know that your goal is to be a smart ass and that I may be taking this series too seriously… but you are pointing to such a poignant truth here–that surface is the layer that matters.

I have been pondering this over the last week— and not only do I agree with Fisher6000, but I have decided to illustrate her point with this week’s selection. Albeit in a rather circuitous manner.

Subzero House

A number of you are already familiar with this house. While its street address is 198 Green Street, this modest two-story domicile is more commonly known as the Subzero Building. This home received the aforementioned moniker from an extremely vitriolic post yours truly wrote about it over a year ago. Here’s an excerpt:

I’m guessing this is a light fixture. The first of three to be installed along the top of this building. I for one would like to propose that upon completion these be used as gallows for the owner of this property, the ‘designer’ responsible for this ‘design concept’ and the contractor who enabled it to happen.

OUCH! In hindsight I don’t remember who (or what) pissed in my Cheerios this particular morning, but I certainly had a bug up my ass. I had a point to get across and that point was unequivocally made: I hate this building.

As with most things in life, what goes around comes around. Last month I got my well-deserved comeuppance. Many of you know that I marched in the Mermaid Parade this year, but would anyone like to hazard a guess who I ended up meeting immediately afterwards?

Anyone?

The owner of the Subzero building, that’s who.

Subzero Owner: Hey, are you Miss Heather of New York Shitty?
Me: Yes.
S.O.: I’m the owner of the house you riffed on.
Me: The Subzero building!?!
S.O: Yes.

I was pretty frazzled at the time (marching around in a dress that weighed ten pounds while slathered in caramel syrup will do that to a person), so I cannot recount exactly what was said between us. But I do vividly remember thinking to myself “Wow, this man is a damned nice guy!” Had the shoe been on the other foot, I doubt I would have had even a tenth of the class this man exhibited.

And that’s the funny thing: since meeting this gent I don’t harbor the rancor I used to have towards this house. In fact, I have kind of grown to like it in a strange sort of way. Sure, sheet metal-sheathed buildings are not my taste— but I’d much rather have a nice person who lives in an “ugly” house as a neighbor than a raging asshole— even if he or she lives in an architectural masterpiece. After all, if I wanted the latter I would have moved to Park Slope.

Think about it.

Miss Heather

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