Great Moments in Construction Safety: Montrose Avenue

January 17, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

When I glanced around the corner (from Bushwick Avenue to Bushwick Place) I suspected something wasn’t right. Upon closer inspection my suspicions were confirmed.

Montrose Avenue Special

I did not have Hard Hat Hannah at my side (she is convalescing at an undisclosed location— more details to follow), but I know enough to intuit this is not proper construction safety. There were no permits posted, yet I noticed a bit of yellow paper was affixed to the front door. Let’s go in for a closer look, shall we?

Notice

It’s a hearing notice from the Department of Buildings! Clearly the owner of this building has taken note.

And has seen fit to continue working.

Miss Heather

Sucko in Stucco

January 16, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

One of the greatest pleasures I derive from New York Shitty is the numerous witty and pithy comments I have the pleasure of moderating. This is because I envision his web site as being a two-way street. Its purpose is not solely to toss out missives into the abyss of the Internet; rather, I want people (be they Greenpointers or otherwise) to communicate. With each other and me.

That said, a commenter named “Rexlic” recently reminded me of a wonderful movie by the Marx Brothers called Cocoanuts. For those of you who are not familiar with this film here is the premise via IMDB:

Mr. Hammer (Groucho Marx —Ed. Note) runs a bankrupt Florida hotel. He’ll try anything to make money, even make love to rich Mrs. Potter. But his main scheme, selling real estate, is in danger of sabotage from zanies Chico and Harpo, who also reduce the schemes of a pair of jewel thieves to chaos…

The following choice specimens of north Brooklyn stucco abuse (and very bad taste) are dedicated to “Rexlic” and the brothers Marx. First up, check out this beauty on Conselyea Street.

116 Conselyea Street

You can have any kind of a home you want. You can even get stucco.

More Stucco at 116 Conselyea

Oh, how you can get stucco.

Representing Greenpoint, we have this beauty on Meeker Avenue!

Meeker Avenue Turd

Those of you who are familiar with this area (Meeker Avenue west of North Henry Street) can attest to the many amenities this location affords:

  1. Scenic views of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
  2. UNeasy access to public transportation (unless you like to hitchhike) and other essentials such as grocery stores, laundromats and the like.
  3. The distinction of living in the most crime-ridden section of the 94th Precinct!

But all the previous are trivialities. Who cares about practicality when he or she can enjoy

…the most exclusive residential district in Florida Greenpoint East Williamsburg. Nobody lives there.

Miss Heather

156 North 12th Street, Revisited

January 13, 2008 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Other Shit, Williamsburg 

Last Saturday night Mr. Heather and I watched New York’s Bravest inspect the above-mentioned property. One week later walked by the same property (albeit on 11th Street) and found something else of interest.

135 North 11 Street Open Door

ANCOR’s open door policy.

C’mon In!

Anybody need a large space for wedding reception or a Bat Mitzvah? If so, I have found your place! What’s more, it is very affordable!

156 North 12 Street is becoming a veritable grab bag of fun. I can hardly wait to see what happens when they start building on this site. If the Department of Buildings “responsiveness” to the complaints lodged against this property are any indication, things should get very interesting.

131 N 11 Street Complaint

The above complaint was filed 11/28/07. Note the inspector’s comments. They are as follows:

SEE COMPLAINT #3245809 TO BE ROUTED FOR WORK W/O PERMIT

Here is “COMPLAINT 3245809”, it was filed 11/21/2007. Note the disposition…

135 North 11 Street Complaint

and by that I mean there isn’t one! What an effective strategy for reducing one’s workload! Instead of trifling with each and every stupid little complaint that comes in simply piggyback them on top each other! That way you look like you’re being efficient without actually doing any work. Genius!

Miss Heather

Bambi Needs a Home

January 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Williamsburg 

Bambi, Headshot

I met this tuxedo-clad little lady last Saturday afternoon at BARC. Even though a whopping SEVEN of her “loft mates” got new homes that day, no one saw fit to give this wonderful cat so much as a second look. Today I hope to change that.

Bambi’s tummy

Bambi is an incredibly gentle and exceptionally sweet-natured girl. When I opened the cage she immediately rolled on her back and showed me her tummy. Follows is another tummy shot for all you cat belly enthusiasts out there.

Bambi

Bambi is approximately one year old, but being very small in stature, she has an incredibly kitten-like appearance.

Bambi like headrubs

She is also rather fond of head rubs.

bambi’s butt

Make that VERY FOND of head rubs. Note Bambi’s little nubbin of a tail . Tres cute!

If any of you, dear readers, have been considering adopting a cat but are worried about finding one with a good temperament and gentle disposition, consider giving Bambi a whirl. Go see how heartbreakingly sweet this little lady is for yourself at:

Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition
253 Wythe Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11211
Adoption hours: Tuesday through Saturday, noon to 5:00 p.m.

Take my word for it: you will not be disappointed!

Miss Heather

Lipstick on a Pig: 624 Grand Street

January 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Call me psychic, but I never had high hopes for this building. It has looked like shit for years.

624 Grand Street

And now it looks worse.

Note the scaffolding: there is no permit whatsoever to be found on the Department of Building’s web site sanctioning it.

624 Grand Street

Hmm…

Miss Heather

Subway Sagacity

January 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

I do not know why people bother spending the time or money to hire professionals. Some of the most sage advice I have ever read has been scrawled on the subway posters which grace dank innards of our city. For the low price of $2 you get access to an open forum where no subject is off-limits. I once read an ongoing debate about Alexander Hamilton and Federalism at the Fulton Street stop of the G. The quality of these tomes (the person arguing against Mr. Hamilton referred to him as a “plutocrat”) surpassed a number of college theses I had the misfortune of grading when I was a teaching fellow.

If I was a policymaker for this fine city, one of the first things I would do is equip subway stations with blank posters and markers; if someone had a question, needed advice or just wanted to “talk”, he (or she) could bounce it off his/her fellow subway patrons by writing it on the “subway forum board”. Unfortunately, I have no hand whatsoever in how this city is run so I have to rely on the brave scofflaws who provide their own Sharpies.

The first bit of advice I am going to share with you today comes courtesy of Greenpoint’s very own Crosstown Local: the proper manner in which to hold open a subway door.

Always hold it open with your foot!

New York Shitty analysis: I emphatically agree. You should always use your leg; its much sturdier. Delicate hands can get hurt by those closing doors, so be careful!

Next up comes an offering from the L train platform at Metropolitan Avenue.

Cool as a Cucumber

New York Shitty analysis: Wow. This must be ONE VERY BAD MOVIE!

Miss Heather

Knock, Knock…

January 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

Who’s there?

Fucking ugly, that’s who!

Maujer Street Shit

I present to you, dear readers, 147 Maujer Street. Per the Department of Buildings a partial stop work order exists on this property.

149 Maujer Street Dob, SWO

Or would that be three Stop Work Orders? I am getting a little confused.

149 Maujer Street SWOs

Per their latest deposition, January 7, 2008:

DOB BIS 149 Maujer 1/7/08

Guess what? They were back at it January 8!

149 Maujer Tower of Bricklaying

So much for the Department of Building’s “enforcement”.

149 Maujer, left view

And good taste, for that matter. This thing looks like something from the Soviet Union. Those phat balconies have a nice view of housing projects. Sweet!

149 Maujer Brickwork

if they’re going to go to this much trouble to break the law— repeatedly— the developer could do us all a favor and do so with matching bricks.

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Is Dead

January 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Dog Shit Signage, Williamsburg 

Rambo says Williamsburg sucks

It has recently come to my attention that there is a blog with this very title. I have not taken the time to check it out extensively, but this snappy passage certainly piqued my interest:

Depending on how long you’ve lived here, the number of times you’ve had the following experience might vary: Walking along a familiar street, a block you walk a few times a week even, something jars you. The distribution of storefronts, pedestrians, and apartment stoops is just off. Maybe you stop, investigate. And then, there it is. Some new restaurant or store or bar where literally, you swear to yourself, there was nothing there three fucking days ago. Maybe you curse aloud, quietly, (really just barely a whisper, under my breath) if you’re like me, or maybe you symbolize your internal discontent with an exaggerated head shaking. Or you just frown briefly. And why? What did this plasma-screen laden sports bar ever do to you? Or that desperately-wanting-to-be trendy “club” that should make its way back to Soho where it belongs? Or that second dessert shop to open in a month? Which offenses, exactly, are they guilty of? I’ll tell you.

And he (or she) does.

Whatever “artistic marrow” the ‘Burg once had has long since been sucked dry or forced to move further afield. I mention this because yesterday I discovered one of the most inspired bits of chicanery I have seen in a LONG TIME on Montrose just east of Bushwick Avenue.

Montrose Avenue Sign

I initially thought by “pigs” the maker of this sign meant the police.

No pigs allowed

Upon closer inspection I realized he/she was referencing whole different breed of pig: people who leave their doggie dumplings on the sidewalk. And judging from what I saw during my jaunt in “East Williamsburg” I’d hazard to guess there are a great number of people who engage in this practice. Those of you who have a strong stomach (and nothing better to do) should check out Humboldt Street between Montrose Avenue and Meserole Street. It’s a fucking minefield.

Miss Heather

Hooray For Global Warming!

January 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Some of you might have noticed that yesterday’s offerings on New York Shitty were few. There are several reasons for this:

  1. January 7 is my birthday and sitting in front of a computer is not my idea of a good time.
  2. It was damned near sixty fucking degrees outside.
  3. When the weather is unseasonably warm, New York’s more colorful citizens come out to play and I like to join them in the revelry.

Man on Third Avenue

I saw this guy when I made an emergency trip to Ricky’s in the East Village. While a little difficult to see in this photograph, he even sports white mascara. It’s the above attention to detail that impresses yours truly, even though I could do without the swastika. Anyhoo…

In order to get to Manhattan I had to ride the Crosstown Local.

The Tyson of Liberty

Behold, the Tyson of Liberty! The riders might have given the G a failing grade for service, but I give the riders an A+ for artistic prowess.

Jesus

Here’s a nice close-up of Jesus presiding over the destruction of Manhattan. Speaking of Jesus, here is an annotated poster from the Metropolitan platform.

Fitzgerald is born!

I don’t remember how the original poster read— what’s more I don’t care. I’d rather be edified by the epistles of crack during my wait for the Crosstown Local. It just makes sense.

For a more social life

It would appear those wacky Williamsburgers agree. They just can’t get enough of the stuff! But enough with the drug humor, let’s get back to Greenpoint.

Cloverfield

A patron on the Queens-bound platform has a more scatological take on this (ubiquitous) Cloverfield poster. Upon closer examination I discovered there’s a little something for everybody.

Penisfield

An ejaculating penis.

Boobies and Flatulence

A pair of gravity-defying breasts and an explosive fit of flatulence. The latter piece of imagery (rendered in Colonoscope) of reminds me of something I read on The Poop Report recently. It was penned by one “Farmer Brown”:

…I stood up, cursing a flowing string of swear words like a preacher caught in a whorehouse, and delivered one final foghorn fart that made me want to puke my guts up like a jock after a Colt 45 binge.

In closing, I might be one year older but I haven’t really grown up. Miss Heather still loves her some good scat chat. For those of you who don’t, I apologize for offending your more effete sensibilities.

The Santalope

And don’t forget: the Santalope loves you!

Miss Heather

Williamsburg Photo du Jour: North 1st Street

January 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Love Mom

I guess “Mom” changed her mind.

Miss Heather

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