My Date With Dategirl: Part II

December 5, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

As I was headed home from my lunch date with Date Girl yesterday I was amused to find a vehicle from the Department of Environmental Protection parked on Greenpoint’s very own Manhattan Avenue.

DEP on Manhattan Avenue

I suppose being employed by an agency with the word environmental in its name pretty much relegates one to drive these candy-ass vehicles. This is a shame, actually, because I bet a lot more people would obey the law if they saw two plus tons of holy shit pull up in front of their building.

Van on Grand Street

That little white speck of dust? That’s a tricycle! This is a real motor vehicle.

Van front

The dashboard is upholstered, for her pleasure.

Van back

Date Girl was in awe of the masterpiece laid before her eyes.

Naked Lady

And so was I. If this city really wants to earn some credibility with its citizens, they should hire the dude who tricked out this van to customize all their vehicles. I have no idea what his name is, but I bet if you ask around Grand Street, you’ll find out soon enough.

Miss Heather

My Date With Dategirl: Part I

December 5, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Today I visited my buddy at Bad Advice and checked in with Inky (the Pervy Potty Cat). I am his godmother and am, therefore, responsible for his emotional well-being. Aside from the prospect of MMG “Design” tearing down his home he was in good spirits. Dategirl, on the other hand, was not so we left scofflaw central and went for a walk. Shortly thereafter we found this, the Roebling Porno Tree.

The Porn Tree

You better not let the Big Greek know about this.

I said. To wit she replied:

Yeah, he might leave me for a tree.

The Porno Tree

What man in his right mind could refuse Internal Cumbustion #7? It’s like the Chanel #5 of Williamsburg porn.*

Miss Heather

*Oil not included.

A Very Greenpoint Missed Connection

December 3, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

What ever happened to propriety!?!

I exclaimed to a friend of mine yesterday upon being forced to listen to yet another self-absorbed hipster yammering away on her cell phone. There is no device that has utterly eroded what little sense of privacy or decency humanity had left like the good ol’ cellular telephone. People feel entitled to talk about the most fucked-up shit imaginable anywhere nowadays. My buddy Beatrice at Casa Mon Amour once heard a woman screaming to a friend of hers about getting gonorrhea from her boyfriend. Right on Franklin Street on an otherwise lovely Saturday afternoon.

If I ever caught a venereal disease I certainly wouldn’t advertise it. Greenpoint is a very small world. Word can and will get around. Sort of like bedbugs.

Craigslist Small

Which brings me to this gem discovered by Bedbuggers on Craigslist. The powers that be have since seen fit to pull it. Shame on them.

I had bedbugs, you had herpes – m4w – 29
Reply to: pers-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-29, 7:27PM EST

Damn, I wish I had that converstation to do over again. We met at Boulevard Tavern where people were wishing Harold a happy birthday. We both had a little too much to drink, and began discussing “deal breakers”. It just so happened that this was a day or so after I awoke with what felt like mosquito bites on my arms and shoulders, and I told you that I thought those might be bedbug bits. You told me that you would never sleep in a bed that had bedbugs or with a man who slept with bedbugs and I, offended, told you that I would never sleep with a woman who ever had an outbreak of herpes. So then you stalked off, leaving me with my PBR to wonder how an evening that began with such promise could go so badly.

OK, first of all, I got rid of most of my bedding, washed the rest in very hot water, encased the mattresses in vinyl encasements, and brought in an exterminator. He is convinced from the pattern and number of bites that it was a SPIDER that got me, not bedbugs. It’s been six days since I last got bit, and if there were bedbugs there, I’d have been bitten every night since. Didn’t happen, so maybe it was a spider or a mosquito. No matter, the place has been cleaned and sprayed, so there is less chance of bedbugs here than wherever else you might choose to end up. As far as the herpes crack goes, I don’t know if you have it or not, but I use condoms, and you could use valtrex, so why should this stop us? I felt a connection with you, a real one, a surprising one. It isn’t often that a man like me, living in SoHo with all those pretentious artist types, managing a mutual fund, gets to meet a girl with your look and sensitivities. I think there is something there between us worth pursuing, and we should not let the false possibility of bedbugs or blisters get between us. Write back. I want a mulligan.

* Location: Williamsboard/Greenpoint

Astral, 12/2/07 12:15 p.m.

Thanks but no thanks, Williamsboard. We Greenpointers have enough bedbugs and at least one case of gonorrhea already.

Miss Heather

Three Piece Chicken Dinner on North 5th Street

November 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Anyone out there want some chicken heads? If so, head on down to North 5 Street and get you some.

Chicken Head

This one can be found on the north side of the street.

Chicken Heads and Candy

Her two decapitated companions can be found on the south side. What’s more, whoever left these delightful pieces of poultry was even kind enough to provide dessert. Julia Child (god rest her soul) would be proud!

As I was taking these photographs I watched a woman pushing a stroller drive right over of them. Either she simply didn’t notice or she didn’t care. This dude, however, took a break from talking on his cell phone to contemplate one.

Man comtemplating chicken heads

Yummy.

Miss Heather

The Sprinkle Brigade Cometh!

November 28, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Williamsburg 

Sprinkle Brigade Blog

I recently received a couple of emails notifying me that the Sprinkle Brigade is having an opening this Friday Thursday*, November 29th, right next door in Williamsburg! As you can imagine I am very excited about this event and want to pass along the deets to you, dear readers.

WHAT: The Sprinkle Brigade

WHERE: Riviera Gallery
103 Metropolitan Avenue Brooklyn, New York 11211

WHEN: November 29 – December 23, 2007 (no opening times are mentioned, but I suspect it’ll be roughly 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. November 29)

HOW (to get there): the Bedford Avenue stop of the L or the B61 bus

These folks are real maestros with merde. By all means check it out! To get in the proper state of mind beforehand be sure to check out the online “Gallery” on their web site or their blog.

Gallery Hanahou

Another show I have been meaning to mention is Luv-able & Hug-able at Gallery Hanahou. Here’s the scoop from their web site:

This holiday season, 28 of the world’s most innovative plush artists will stuff gallery hanahou full of the cutest, fuzziest, and strangest gifts around! The show will include toys from 9 popular Japanese plush artists, rarely seen outside of Japan and specially curated by renowned plush collector PAPANDA (Kazuyoshi Kitami). Prices will range from $12 to $1200 in this holiday show of original, handmade gifts, and all of the pieces in the show will also be available for viewing and purchase beginning November 8th (online sales start November 9th). Let a hug-able plush send a luv-able message to your special someone!

I have not made it to this exhibition yet— but I definitely plan to do so before it closes. Check out their flickr photo set and you will understand why: this stuff is insanely cool!

Gallery Hanahou
611 Broadway, Suite 730
New York, New York 10012
(646) 486-6586

To close on an artistic note, by buddy over at Icky in Brooklyn has a little project in the works that might be of interest to some of the more craftier people out there. He writes:

Attention all Brooklyn weavers, painters, potters, photographers, artists, and craftsfolk of all disciplines!

The holidays and shopping season is upon us, and fact is, being someone who hand-crafts, I like to support those who hand-craft. (Besides, I have stuff to sell.) Over the next few weeks, I will be creating a list of Brooklyn artists and craftsfolk, links and all.

Ideally we can make folks aware of how many artists (and of how many disciplines) we have here in Brooklyn, and perhaps we can bring each other a bit of business. It will be available here at Icky. A sort of “Brooklyn Holiday Handmade Gifts” list. Copying of the list and cross posting on your blog or website is encouraged! Let’s work together for the love of Pete.

Here’s the rules: Handmade or personally-produced art and craftswork only, and Brooklyn residents only. For instance, if you crochet baby blankets and you live in Bay Ridge, that’s fab. If you sell machine-knit sweaters from China and you live in West Orange, that’s a double strike-out (in more ways than one, I suppose).

Artists unite! If you’re someone who ought to be on the list, please leave a comment including your info, and I’ll create a post that will accrue items as they come in. Please include –

Your name (or business)
What you do (short description, a few words)
Website, Etsy address, whatever

Those of you who are interested in participating can contact Icky via his web site.

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: The Sprinkle Brigade & Gallery Hanahou

*Humor me, I am still recovering from Thanksgiving.

G Train Glory, Part III: Photo du Jour

November 28, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

Porn Again!?

From the Queens-bound platform at Metropolitan Avenue.

Miss Heather

What Would Guido Do?

I created a little controversy recently when I referred to the Rat Man’s stomping grounds as being in Greenpoint. Addrobinson, a frequent New York Shitty commenter, noted:

Its funny you know him as the “rat maniac”, because to me & my friends he is “The Pigeon Maniac”. I always just assume that he was feeding the Pigeons and the rats took care of what the birds left behind. I also find it very odd that you consider that area to be “southeastern Greenpoint”, in all the years I have lived here that is the first time I’ve heard anyone even use that term, let alone call that area it.

What constitutes Greenpoint? This is a very contentious question. If you ask an old timer, as another commenter (Zeebah) suggested, he or she will tell you the area in question (Kingsland Avenue near Frost Street) is in Greenpoint. If you ask a real estate agent, he (or she) will call it Williamsburg. It is simply a matter of who benefits. Which brings me to this:

Martone’s Dairy

This rather nifty old photo can be seen at De Stefano’s Restaurant. Note the location where the picture was taken: Graham Avenue between Devoe and Metropolitan Avenue. Now let’s take a closer look at the neighborhood inscribed on this photo, shall we?

Greenpoint, Brooklyn, NY

Interesting. My curiosity piqued, I asked the owner of the restaurant about this unusual piece of taxonomy. He explained to me that when he was a kid no one who lived in this area called it Williamsburg. That neighborhood was considered distasteful. Greenpoint, therefore, was used because it was considered to be “more classy”. So there have you.

What do I consider to be Greenpoint? Well, this map should give you a general idea.

What is Greenpoint?

The semi-transparent red line indicates the boundaries of the 11222 zip code. The additional shaded sections are areas I consider to be Greenpoint that fall outside this zip code. The more eagle-eyed among you will notice that the Greenpoint Hospital would be considered by many not to be in Greenpoint at all. It is also very telling to note that the engraved text (which read “Greenpoint Hospital”) which once graced the entrance of this building has been removed. I have little doubt this was done at the behest of a real estate professional. Perhaps the developer plans on having “East Williamsburg Hospital” inscribed its place?

I suppose there is no clear cut means of determining what constitutes Greenpoint— or any neighborhood, for that matter. Or is there? As daskol observed:

Guido, the mayor of Withers Street, will kick your ass if you refer to this area as Williamsburg. He might change his tune when it’s time to list his property.

I think it is time for us to stop bickering and ask ourselves a much more important question:

What would Guido do?

Miss Heather

Nimrod Station: Williamsburg Vs. Greenpoint

November 27, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

One poster, two different worlds on the crosstown local.

My mother dislikes my constant shutter bugging. Usually because it entails documenting things she considers distasteful and takes away from valuable shopping time. I, on the other hand, will gladly spend time (instead of money) savoring the best the G train has to offer in the way of subway poster vandalism. Such things make Miss Heather’s world go round.

Exhibit A: the Queens-bound platform of the G at Metropolitan Avenue, Williamsburg

Nimrod Nation, Metropolitan Avenue

One restless patron waiting for the crosstown local saw fit to inscribe the above poster with a little political commentary.

Wiretapping?

To wit, one of his teammates, Number 41, replies

Because…

Exhibit B: the Queens-bound platform of the G at Greenpoint Avenue, Greenpoint

Pussy, HA!

After noting the exposed pudenda on the poster to the left, they got right down to business.

Number Thirteen

Number 13 is date material.

Blue Ribbon

Number 37 placed, but Number 32 got the blue ribbon.

Number 34

Oh wait, it was number 25, not 37. Nimrod 34 might have been deemed as “ugs”,

34 packing heat

but he won Mr. Congeniality.

See what depths of depravity we G train patrons wallow in while waiting for the subway? After tiring of trying to overthrow the government, we take simple solace in cradle robbing.

Miss Heather

North Brooklyn Speaks Up About Bush

November 26, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Bushwick, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

On Thanksgiving my husband and I went for a walk. We sort of had to because the sound of assholes beating on metal at 9:00 in the morning renders my apartment uninhabitable. Nonetheless, I mustered up enough holiday spirit to hang out my window and shout:

Happy Thanksgiving, SCABS!

before heading to Williamsburg. When we reached North 11th Street, I found the following.

Anybody but…

I think the intended message here is to elect anyone but a Republican. The Grand Old Party isn’t very popular in my corner of Brooklyn. George W. Bush is even less so (if that is possible).

Exhibit A: Morgan Avenue, Bushwick

Bush Lies

Exhibit B: Kent Avenue, Williamsburg

Fuck Bush

And last, but hardly least…

Exhibit C: Nassau Avenue stop of the Crosstown Local, Greenpoint

NOW!!!

Ryan, the incredibly gracious chap who gave me permission to use the above photo, notes:

None-too-subtle tag that’s always all over the Nassau G station. Usually the grammar is a bit better.

Very true. These rather angry missives usually read “KILL THIS FUCKEN TYRANT BUSH NOW“. They would also be found at the Greenpoint Avenue Station on occasion as well. Sadly, the Garden Spot’s finest Bushwhacker appears to have left us…

Jackass II

but his (or her) spirit lives on.

Seven years down, one to go.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who crave another morsel of north Brooklyn Bush hating can get a quick fix by clicking here.

Dangerous Buildings, Places And Things, Oh My!

November 24, 2007 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

My buddy over at Bad Advice has been experiencing a very bad problem lately. The fly in Dategirl’s proverbial ointment is the rather fast and loose demolition being conducted next door to her property. The author of the aforementioned affliction is MMG Construction. Ms. Grasso and her funky bunch sure seem to get around.

In the wee hours of Thursday, November, 15, 2007 Dategirl wrote:

I’m really freaked out about what’s going on next door. They’ve knocked out my phone (the lines are laying on the ground across N. 11th!), the cable TV/internet and the building is rocking like, uh, a building is NOT supposed to when they’re working. Thank christ Con Ed and the water supply is underground. I’ve spoken to Marie Grasso (of MMG Construction— Ed. Note) several times. As you might imagine, she’s not been terribly helpful, though she did demand that the backhoe operator repair my cable tv with a roll of electrical tape. (Shockingly, that didn’t work.) I am losing my fucking mind over here

Later the same day The Gowanus Lounge wrote a post about her woes. I, on the other hand, contacted our State Assemblyman, Joseph Lentol via his web page. MMG was tendered a Stop Work Order that same afternoon.

Oh my!

And shortly thereafter someone saw fit to rip it down. Please click on the previous link: if for no other reason so you can behold the following turd of a comment for firsthand:

Anonymous said…

I really enjoy reading your site, as well as the other sites that like to whine and complain about development. Where do you get your information? It is pure fiction!

1. The contractor was never violated (!!!— Ed. Note) for an illegal mechanical demolition. You made that up.

2. The SWO sticker was taken down because the SWO was partially lifted.

You should get your facts straight before bashing people.

Actually “Anonymous” (if that is your real name), the contractors (and the developers who hired them) do most of the violatin’ hereabouts. The area in question, which I recently heard referred to (albeit mockingly, but I am certain you will pick it up as a new piece of sexy real estate jargon) as “McCarren Heights”, is being thoroughly sacked by space pirates. But unlike most corsairs (historically speaking) these privateers for the privileged (because there are simply not enough luxury condos to house them, poor dears) are operating with tacit written approval from a government. Our government, which brings me to this.

Lentol Letter

I received this in the mail today. WAY TO GO JOE!

Those of you who might be interested to know what Mr. Lentol’s district looks like prepare to be enlightened, because here it is.

50th Assembly District

The more astute observers among you might notice that the area highlighted in pink is experiencing a number of*, uh, growing pains*. If you live in the above pinkified area and gentrification is literally knocking at/beating down your front door, I would advise you to contact Mr. Lentol via snail mail at:

District Office
619 Lorimer Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
718-383-7474

Or send him an email (like I did) at:

lentolj (at) assembly.state.ny.us

In terms of constituent services, Lentol is the best. What’s more he really seems to care. Write him.

Miss Heather

*It’s amazing how much outrage MMG Construction elicits from the media when her idiots bust up something a rich neighborhood. Can someone please explain to me why this woman is still in business? Who is she paying off and for how much? My curiosity is killing me.

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