EAST WILLIAMSBURG RECESSION WATCH: What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

April 17, 2009 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 

(Or, Ask For Jerry)

monument-close-uplilletlangtry

Once in a blue moon I will have one of those weeks when a number of readers bring something to my attention. This week it was the above sign advertising fresh brick oven bread. This may not seem remarkable to most of you— nor should it be. It’s the location of this sign that makes it so darned interesting. Chad writes:

I had to share.  If you find yourself near the Graham L stop, check out Grande Monuments on Graham Ave.  I’m sure you’ve seen it.  It has clocks and weird shit in the windows to remind you that your time is limited.  And they sell grave markers / headstones.  Only now they also sell fresh baked bread too.  In the window next to a grave marker – there is a tiered baguette stand with fresh bread for purchase.

I was precluded from heading there yesterday and documenting this personally. However, my colleague Lillet Langtry has done so and  generously gave me permission to use her photographs. After all seeing really is believing, right?

monument-storelilletlangtry

She writes:

Apparently the recession has spurred a side business: Fresh Baked Bread! No need for funeral baked meats or nothin!

Indeed. As some of you might be aware Mr. Heather works at a hospital. In the way of recession-proof employment it simply does not get much better than this. I mean, as long as there are human beings some of them will get sick or die, right? This unique business model has forced me to rethink this theory. Perhaps the recession has forced some folks to table kicking the bucket until their families can afford to inter them in the manner to which they would like to become accustomed? Stranger things have happened. I suppose we should go ask Jerry.

Grande Monuments/Brick Oven* Bakery
328 Graham Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11211

Miss Heather

*A comrade’s crematorium? I can only hope so!

Photo Credits: Lillet & Trey. Thanks!

East Williamsburg Photos Du Jour: McKibben Street

April 17, 2009 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Williamsburg 

leg

winterinamerica

angst

toronto

amazingdome

Taken April 13, 2009.

Miss Heather

COMING SOON: Le Grenier

April 17, 2009 ·
Filed under: Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic 

legrenier

After much ado Le Grenier is at last poised to open. Once Maya Marzolf, the proprietress, told me the good news I simply had to head down there and get a sneak peek. Not only does this store sport some lovely merchandise (the lot of old Victorian photographs she recently acquired is especially nice!), but she has done a wonderful job restoring the space. Here is a slide show of what you can expect to see opening day— which for those of you who are interested will be May 1st. Enjoy!

Le Grenier
OPENING DATE: May 1, 2009
19 Greenpoint Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Phone: (718) 569-0111 (yet to be activated)

Miss Heather

New York Shitty Ender: Look At This Fucking Hipster

April 16, 2009 ·
Filed under: Williamsburg 


Untitled from lookatthisfuckinghipster on Vimeo.

This mind numbing moment of zen comes courtesy of a site called Look At This Fucking Hipster. What is L.A.T.F.H., you ask? Well, for starters it is located on Tumblr. Secondly, it offers anywhere between one and photographs daily of hipsters doing whatever hipsters do (often while consuming PBR, it should be noted) accompanied by some of the most trenchant and downright hilarious commentary I have ever read. Real doozies like:

Some people say hip-hop is dead. We just do this to make sure. (This one went with the above video.)

It’s actually really hard to be a pimp when all your bitches have trust funds.

Ah, yes. I’m picking up my prescription for medical cocaine. The name is William S. Burg.

Maybe I should stop snorting all my Rogaine…

and much, much more. Do check ’em out. I guarantee laugh your ass off.

Oh yeah, they also take submissions:

hipsterblog (at) gmail (dot) com

Happy hating!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Special thanks goes out to Andrea for bringing this to my attention. Thanks!

Greenpoint Photos Du Jour: SPRING!

April 16, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

blossoms

West Street

tulips

Franklin Street

beesandjd

Manhattan Avenue

boots

Huron Street

cantileveredvodka

catandtulips

Lorimer Street

Miss Heather

Domo Arigato: The Robots Are Coming!

April 16, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

robotmonkey

I came across this— what will undoubtedly be THE social event of the season— via a blog (I highly recommend) called Blondie & Brownie. In fact I like the way they wrote about it so much* I am going to hand you over to them for the 411. All I’m saying is:

  1. I like watching mechanized things beat the unholy crap out of each other.
  2. You bet your sweet ass I’m filming this.

In all seriousness this “interactive installation” by artist Dan Walker sounds like a helluva fun way to while away a Saturday night.  Check it out!

Robot Monkey World Chimpionship
April 18, 2009 starting at 6:00 p.m.
t.b.d
224 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

*The even incorporated a Styx reference. Bravo!

Thoughts About A Demagogue

April 16, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy People 

I care not to dwell upon my pre-New York Shitty life. I left Texas in 1996. I have neither been back to the place nor do I plan to go there anytime soon. It’s history. But when certain things are brought to my attention, like the above video which came via The Huffington Post by way of Pa Heather, who wrote:

I guess this means a passport will be needed to enter Texas?

I feel compelled to revisit those not-so-good ol’ days.

The first time I became acquainted with Rick Perry was while pumping gas in Dallas: his name graced each and every gasoline station in the Lone Star State. As (then) Agriculture Commissioner and, it should be noted, Democrat such stuff under his jurisdiction. The second time I encountered Rick Perry was in college. In a classroom, not at a “kegger”. The course in question was either Texas history or economics— I do not recall. But I clearly remember the introduction/caveat the teaching fellow gave us:

  1. She was an avowed conservative Republican— in the truest pre Neo-Con Goldwater sense.
  2. She was against abortion because she thought birth control should be made readily available to everyone.
  3. She promised not let her personal politics color either the discussion in the class room or her grading. She delivered.

What’s more, she utterly detested Rick Perry and was not the least reluctant to make us aware of this fact. Often. She once said he was a member of the “good ol’ boys” network and was seeking  “higher office”. He got it. Albeit as a Republican.

Political turncoats strike me as being like recently converted non-smokers: they turn their ire on those who remind them of what they once were. A more cut and dried way of putting this I suppose would be hypocrisy. But to merely call Rick Perry a hypocrite would do him (and hypocrites in general) a tremendous disservice. He is much more complex.

And stupid.

Rick is correct when he says this piece of legislation concerns both Texans and Americans alike. The reason I left Texas was I, as an American, hated living “under the thumb of tyrants”. A fistful of thumbs including but not limited to racism, sexism, homophobia, antisemitism, anti-intellectualism, and George W. Bush made me aware that, at long last, it was time to go. The state I was born and (largely) raised in no longer existed.

This “frog in the pot” was seared medium rare, got the hell out of Dodge and has since gained the clarity of hindsight (and a more extensive knowledge of cinema and politics) to pigeon hole a bone fide demagogue when she sees one.

The above clip comes from a movie called A Face In The Crowd. It stars Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal and Walter Matthau and, interestingly/ironically enough, was directed by Elia Kazan. This film is over fifty years old yet I find it strangely reminiscent of Perry’s speech. Homespun rugged individualism and “honest cracker barrel talk” posturing as upright citizenship on television which is in reality nothing more than partisan politics, sensationalism and racism. Plain and simple.

Go ahead and secede, Texas Rick. I won’t miss you.

Miss Heather

P.S.: If you’re reading this (p)Rick, I take serious offense at your quoting Sam Houston in your speech. As it would happen, Governor, I am one of his descendants. Obviously I never met the man, but my grandparents told me stories about him. I reputedly sport the “Houstonian jaw” which I am about to unleash on you.

While a slave owner and anti-abolitionist, my forebear was against secession. Sam Houston was “Pro-Union”. After living with Cherokees and watching the Trail of Tears unfold he became aware of the plight of Native Americans. It upset him tremendously. Some of his finer swan songs to this effect can be found in the Congressional Globes dating from the Buchanan Administration, which I happen to possess.

Call it gut instinct (or my Texan cum Brooklyn temperament) but I doubt very much that my great, great, (great ?) Grandpa would fancy being quoted by you, (p)Rick. While hardly a perfect person (I am anything but proud about having a slave owner in my family) he did have principles/a moral center— however misguided. This is something you seem to lack, (p)Rick. I’m going to go out on a limb here but I’d guess Sam Houston, my forebear, would call you an asshole. Or worse.

New York Shitty Day Ender: The SCADgate Saga Continues!

April 15, 2009 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

scadthumbI have a confession to make: the last several days I have been down in the dumps. God only knows I have been given ample enough reason to feel this way. The good news is the good days are far outnumbering the bad one nowadays. Still, the dreary weather of late hasn’t not helped matters much. Yours truly prefers a hefty helping of sunshine to Seattlesque gloom any day. Fortunately I found a ray of sunshine in my inbox last night. It comes from an ombudsman of Savannah College of Art & Design and yes it pertains to the Greenpoint gift that keeps on giving: Sidney Lumet’s recently discovered Lifetime Achievement Award.

My name is Trey (excised) and I am an ombudsman at the Savannah College of Art and Design. I would very much like to follow-up with your friend Rebecca11222 about the Sidney Lumet award that was found. I am sorry to hear that someone at the college was not responsive to her report of having found this item. The college is interested in helping the award find its way back to Mr. Lumet and I would like to help facilitate this. Could you forward this note to your friend and ask her to contact me?

I hope that you are enjoying New York and that your readership of the blog is strong. (Thanks! — Ed. Note) If I can ever help you from my office in Savannah to take care of any business you may have with the college please let me know and I will try to assist.

Sincerely,

Trey

Needless to say I was more than happy to forward his missive to Rebecca. Where is this most Greenpoint glorious tale of inexplicably misplaced property headed? Only time will tell. In the meantime I have two questions:

  1. How the hell did this award find its way to a traffic triangle in Greenpoint in the first place?
  2. I wonder if this Trey chap* would be willing to talk to my artistic alma mater about the alumni mailings I have been receiving from them? Namely pointing out the fact that although I cherish the education I received at their institution the fact of the matter is a woman with FIVE FIGURES OF STUDENT LOAN DEBT does not have sufficient liquidity to throw three figure donations their direction. Much less the money to spare for $80.00 per ticket reunions. That kind of money buys a LOT of Carlo Rossi which, for the record, is Chez Shitty’s primary liquid asset!

Miss Heather

*Who strikes me as an amazingly nice guy.

Street Furniture Du Jour: Distressed On Troutman

April 15, 2009 ·
Filed under: Bushwick, Street Furniture 

chaiselounge

This flat-lined chaise lounge hails from a very special street in Bushwick called Troutman. If it could tell us its story I have little doubt it would be a very interesting one!

Miss Heather

22 Havemeyer Street, Revisited

April 15, 2009 ·
Filed under: Culture War, Williamsburg 

It has been six weeks since Bob shot the above, his last, footage. In this time little has changed for those who have been displaced by this building. But this is not to suggest it’s been anything other than business as usual for Mr. Choi.

havemeyerstreet

The above photograph (which was taken last week) is proof positive that no dirty deed goes unrewarded in Williamsburg. A Tale of Two Cities indeed!

Miss Heather

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