Greenpoint
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Culture on the Cheap
Williamsburg Needs Neuticles!
Filed under: 11211, Crazy People, East Williamsburg, East Williamsburg Brooklyn, Williamsburg, Williamsburg Brooklyn
I came across the above sticker yesterday on Maspeth Avenue west of Olive Street. Amused, I took a photo of it. I had my suspicions as to what “Neuticles” were, so upon arriving home I immediately Googled it. They were exactly what I thought they would be (from neuticles.com):
Over 225,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering.
Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.
I spent an hour perusing this web site. I advise you, dear readers, to do the same. It is a comedy goldmine:
Neuticles are just plain neat!
—Rush Limbaugh
I wonder when Rush saw fit to lavish this praise upon Neuticles? Was it before or after he got caught with that illicit bottle of Viagra? If he had followed his own advice and got himself some Neuticles Rush might not have found himself in the previous predicament. He also would have spared the American people a lot of pain and suffering thinking about his bloated sack of pus hot air having sex.
Believe it or not, the “satisfied customers section” is even better:
I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen’t know he’s missing anything.
He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.
And my personal favorite:
Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he’s been neutered with Neuticles.
Perhaps the previous pet owner should rename her canine companion Scroto Baggins? Just a thought.
Those of you who are interested in this product should be advised that the (s)experts at Neuticles have a vast assortment of nut bags for you to choose from. The budget conscious ball sack connoisseur can purchase the basic, no frills “Original” model, the more effete testicular snob can spend a little extra and get the “Ultraplus” model with Scargard.
Sizes range from XL, for pets weighing 110-190 pounds (in which case one nut will cost you $189 or you can get a pair for $269) to XS, for pets weighing 3-8 pounds (in which case one nutlet will set you back $59 or a pair can be had for a measly $94). What a bargain!
Cat owners, don’t despair: they have the perfect pair of balls for your pussy. All you need to do is grab that mouse, point and click! All major credit cards are accepted.
In closing, I have to confess that I have developed Neuticle envy while writing this post. Yesterday I walked to Artist & Craftsman Supply to buy some paper mache. Such is the real estate hoax of pimping Greenpoint as being an ‘artistic’ neighborhood: artists may reside here, but there are no longer any stores here to facilitate their (my, our) habit. North Brooklyn:
Be an artist or just look like one!
So off to East Williamsburg I went. And in so doing, I became the unwitting (and unwilling) object of affection for a number of fellows along the way. Hisses, whistles and yelling greeted me as I approached the BQE. As I recounted to a friend of mine later:
…my trek to the art supply store on Metropolitan Avenue and back was a gauntlet of hisses and whistles. One especially creepy guy beckoned for me to come over to his van (!!!) and talk to him. This was on Meeker (by the BQE), which made the situation even creepier. I am fucking 30-something years old. I am NOT going to walk over to some stranger’s van and to talk to him. Much less by the BQE. The previous scenario has “coming to the back of a milk carton near you” written all over it.
Perhaps if I had a pair of Neuticles, the previous chap would have left me alone? I don’t want the “XS” model either. I want ’em SO BIG I’ll need a handtruck to carry them.
Miss Heather
Hot Ass on Eckford Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
After noticing that 209 1/2 Eckford has been “modified” without the auspices of a permit (within 250 feet of a parked Department of Buildings vehicle, no less), I decided to swing by today and see if what I beheld last weekend was the product of immaculate construction*. It wasn’t.
When I took the above photo at 2:20 p.m. today it was raining men. HALLELUJAH!
Permit or not, I bet you could bounce a quarter off that ass. A-MEN!
Hands off Patricia, he’s mine. Hop into one of those hybrid DOBmobiles, drive up here and get your own. It would be nice if you would see fit to issue a few stop work orders while you’re at it, but this is only a suggestion.
Miss Heather
*Props to the proprietor of the Gowanus Lounge for coining this term. It has become my new toy.
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Yesterday I simply could not get that melange of monitors on McGuinness Boulevard off my mind. Not only did I make a trip to see how they’re progressing disintegrating, but I also checked out a location notorious for monitor activity (television and computer alike): 210 Newel Street. I was not disappointed.
I have entitled the above photo “Monitor with Oatmeal”.
After mentioning the above find to my husband (who, being the I. T. professional he is, was certain to note how toxic the innards of monitors are) I had a revelation: smashing up monitors is to Greenpoint what baseball is to America. It is The Garden Spot’s Game.
To this end I am starting an online museum showcasing Greenpoint’s manifold mashed-up monitors. If you see a monitor on your block worthy of induction (the more fucked up, the better), please take a photo of it and/or note the address and email it to me at:
missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com
Thanks!
Miss Heather
Founder and Curator
Miss Heather’s Monitor Museum
Greenpoint, Brooklyn 11222
Give Us A Movie House
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I took the above picture just over a year ago. Not only was I amused by what this person wrote, I agreed: Greenpoint does not need any more banks and yes, a movie theater would be an excellent addition to the neighborhood. What did we end up getting when all was said and done? Another god damned bank.
My sole consolation is the Bank of America (the site where the above photo was taken) and Citibank seem to be pretty popular places for the local homeless population to conduct their business— and by “business” I mean going to the bathroom and having sex. I would love to see the surveillance camera footage from these establishments. I bet it is hilarious, but I digress.
The perverse irony is Greenpoint once had six movies theaters. Yes, six. Here they are were in order from south to north.
- Nassau Theatre (now The Princess Manor)
88 Nassau Avenue - Winthrop Theater (demolished)
135 Driggs Avenue - Meserole Theatre (
now Eckerd’s, I thinkRite Aid)
723 Manhattan Avenue - RKO Greenpoint (demolished)
825 Manhattan Avenue - American Theater (then Chopin Theater, now Starbucks)
910 Manhattan Avenue - Midway Theater (demolished)
1059 Manhattan Avenue
The following story from the December 10, 1929 edition of the New York Times is about one of these establishments: the long gone RKO Greenpoint. Enjoy!
The above tale gives us a(nother) splendid reason for wanting a movie theater: they prevent crime. I see a letter campaign to the mayor coming around the corner folks!
Miss Heather
154 West Street Revisited
Wishing to enjoy this weekend’s unseasonably warm weather, I decided to go for a walk. Uncharacteristically, my husband said he wanted to join me. I advised him that I was going to a bunch of places he didn’t care for (clothes shopping), but he insisted upon tagging along anyway. So off we went— with the usual detour or four so as to check out some of the more hideous development “projects” which pock my neighborhood.
I hadn’t checked in on 154 West Street in awhile, so we swung by to see how they were progressing. True to form, there was some kind of activity going on inside. Exactly what it was, I do not know.
As you can see, the Fedderization process is almost complete. I for one find the addition of faux period detailing charming, especially since it is not in proper proportion to the rest of the building. Sadly, the owner went with brown stucco. While in keeping with my prognostication that stucco will supplant vinyl siding in the Garden Spot, it would have been nice if he had opted for a different color. Pink, orange or mint green would have been nice. West Street has enough “brown” as is. Most of it resides on the sidewalk and is of canine origin.
Next, I spied a stray cat through a hole in the fence on the adjacent lot. I like cats, so I took a peek. That’s when I found this.
I have seen the workers jettison garbage onto this lot on more than one occasion. That said, I was still surprised by how much of it has accumulated. Too bad the entity owns the adjacent parcel of property appears to have abandoned it. There are few things I like more than watching two developers having a litigation slug-fest.
As my husband and I were preparing to depart, were heard a man shout:
You taking pictures of my building?
It was the owner of 154 West Street. He was not at all upset, if anything he seemed to be amused. This is sort of ironic given I found something very amusing about his building. It was the placement of the air conditioner boxes he saw fit to install.
Think about it for a minute: if this building is like many others in Greenpoint (and New York City), the lot for 154 West Street ends at the above wall. If this is true, those A/C boxes are on 150 West Street’s property. Wouldn’t be fun if the owner of 150 finally found the wherewithal to do something with this rather sizable and prime piece of real estate? If he (or she) did, his neighbor to the north would be a prime candidate for a triple Fedderdectomy.
Miss Heather
The Greenpoint Monitor Museum
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
No, I am not talking about that Monitor Museum. Rather, I am referring to the rapid proliferation of monitors in this tree pit on McGuinness Boulevard. When I walked by this location October 19, there was but a solitary Mac.
A little over 48 hours later, however, I noticed the curator of this open air museum saw fit to diversify his (or her) collection with the addition of a P.C.
Or is that two P.C.s? Truth be told, it is kind of hard to tell.
Those of your who wish to make a donation to Greenpoint’s other Monitor Museum can take your (non-tax deductible) ‘contribution’ to the tree pit south of Freeman Street on McGuinness Boulevard. Macs and P.C.s are equally welcome. Upon receipt our highly trained panel of experts will ensure your generous gift is fucked up beyond all recognition.
Miss Heather
Peace on Franklin Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
This can be seen on Franklin between Green and Freeman Street.
Miss Heather
Happenings at 209 1/2 Eckford Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Saturday was one of those days when my husband and I could not agree on anything. Even the route for walking to Grand Street was the source of much debate. I wanted to use Kent Avenue, Mr. Heather preferred Diamond or Newel Street. My being pretty adamant about avoiding Karl Fischer’s giant green monstrosity forced us to reach a compromise: Eckford Street.
This street too has its fair share of eyesores, but for whatever reason I seem to find them a little more tolerable than their companions to the east. In fact, I find Crater Lake hilarious in its own dark way. But back to my story.
When we reached 209 1/2 Eckford, arguably one of the ugliest sights on this street, I noticed something was amiss.
Intrigued, I went in for a closer look.
Bridge Realty, part of the unholy alliance that has blessed Greenpoint with such monuments to fine architecture and good taste as Belvedere I (through infinity), has been performing a little work on this “fixer-upper”.
Slip shod work.
Is that hole supposed to be there? Just curious.
And in keeping with the pervasive atmosphere of lawlessness that is the Greenpoint development feeding frenzy, the previous came to pass without the issuance or posting of the appropriate permits.
But the story does not end here, dear readers. No sir. Upon crossing Norman Avenue— which is only a short distance from 209 1/2 Eckford Street, I beheld something I have only seen in Greenpoint twice before. Excited, I immediately started taking pictures of my discovery. My husband even tore himself away from futzing around with his new cell phone to see what the subject of all my fuss and photography was.
Me: Sam, this is the third time I have seen one of these cars! It’s like seeing Bigfoot, Sasquatch or the Yeti! I wonder what it is doing here?
Sam: Maybe the guy lives here?
Excellent point. The driver of this car may very well live in Greenpoint. It’s not like he (or she) performs much (if any) work here.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint’s Very Own Imperial Storm Trooper
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Like most people who were born in the 1970’s, I was raised on the Star Wars Trilogy. The REAL Star War Trilogy, that is. Not the recent trio of clap trap whose sole purpose for creation seems to be fleecing and disappointing the movie-going public.
I always found the Deathstar to be particularly fascinating. Not unlike Randal from the movie Clerks, I still find myself asking a lot of questions about what it would be like to be under the employ of the Emperor and stroll the corridors of this stylishly evil space station. For example:
Did Darth Vader offer a 401-K?
Were the storm troopers given an allowance so they could Simonize their helmets?
Did Robert Scarano design the Deathstar?
And most important of all in this day of OHSA:
Was the Deathstar a smoke-free workplace?
I do not know the answers for the first three questions, but I did learn the answer to the latter-most one. This very evening on Franklin Street, no less.
No.
Who knew Greenpoint was the destination of choice for furloughed storm troopers? Then again, since the Garden Spot has the dubious honor of being one of the most vice-ridden neighborhoods in Brooklyn, maybe makes them feel more at home? Smoke ’em if you got ’em boys! We won’t judge you.
Miss Heather
More Subway Poster Fun on the Crosstown Local
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
(Or: “G” stands for giving it to the man)
I do not leave Greenpoint much nowadays for the simple reason I do not need to; I live and work here. Last night I left the confines of the Garden Spot to behold the Shit Crawler in all its super-sized projected glory in SoHo. This journey required that I ride the G train.
As my husband and I waited on the Smith – 9th Street bound platform, I beheld this newest bit of Greenpoint subway poster graffiti.
I chattered and giggled to myself as I shutter-bugged the shit out of this poster. This is one of the most hilarious modifications to a subway poster I have seen in quite a while. So simple, yet so effective. The police officer who happened to be walking by as I took the above photograph appeared to agree: he was laughing his ass off.
On the way home I spied the above sullen morsel of revolt at the Nassau Avenue platform of the Queens-bound G. Earlier in the evening I had mentioned to my husband that I found the use of the word “commitments” in these advertisements amusing. Whenever this word is invoked the first thing I think of being committed.
To an insane asylum.
Miss Heather
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