Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Meet the Belvederes!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The recent discovery of “Belvedere 28” made me (finally) realize exactly how many of these buildings blight the Greenpoint landscape. To apply cold deductive reasoning, if there is a “Belvedere 28” there must be a “Belvedere 27”, “Belvedere 26”, etc., etc. The previous gave me an idea; why not track down all these buildings, document them and place them on a handy map? Last weekend I commenced my quest. Here are my findings.
Belvedere 28
Location: 137 Java Street
Belvedere 12
Location: 150 Java Street
Sure it hasn’t been built yet, but the sign clearly (if illiterately) indicates this will be the location of “Belvedere 12”. It should be noted that I found something rather unusual at this site.
Looks like some type of portal. Does the Belvedere Empire employ an open door policy for felines or is this the worker’s entrance for non-union elfin employees? I for one hope it is the previous, not the latter.
Belvedere 22
Location: 636 Leonard Street
They were having an “Open House” when I took this picture last Sunday. Didn’t see any takers, though. Perhaps noise from the illegal weekend contruction being conducted inside kept potential clients at bay?
Belvedere 8
Location: 116 Calyer Street
Arguably, this has got to be the ugliest of the lot (so far). Its location (near McGuinness Boulevard) isn’t exactly stellar either.
Belvedere 6
Location: 114 Calyer Street
Immediately next door to “Belvedere 8”, #6 makes one wonder where “Belvedere 7” is located. Miss Heather will find this phantom condo. Next time…
Miss Heather
Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume II
Filed under: Vinyl Siding
Last week “Dupreciate” left a compelling comment regarding my first installment of Greenpoint vinyl siding goodness. He wrote:
This past Sunday I noticed a building on Nassau getting a nice vinyl siding upgrade, as the original siding was dry-rotted and falling off the building. Rather than replace the offending layer, these dudes were just throwing up new siding over the old. I like to think that this building (and others like it), are only going to get bigger and bigger as the years pass as more layers are tacked on.
For the last week I have been unable to get the previous image out of my mind. What’s more, this weekend I found evidence that what “Dupreciate” saw is not an uncommon practice. Here’s a couple of pictures of a house getting a makeover on Nassau Avenue.
Yummy.
I envision vinyl siding gradually swallowing all its non-sheathed companions like a python. Fedders buildings, Belvederes, 110 Green Street and tasteful residences alike will be easy prey. Resistance is futile. Eventually Greenpoint will become one giant conglomerated mass of mismatched siding. Sheltered from the elements we will dwell within this dark labyrinth like a tribe of Morlocks.
Or would that be Polocks?
Miss Heather
By popular demand…
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Street Justice
After tossing up this post (which featured arguably the most diabolically clever ruse to get noisy neighbors to cease and desist) I had a number of people request copies of this letter. This weekend I happened to bump into my fiendish friend and asked him for it. Twenty four hours later there it was in my inbox. “John” writes:
Hi Heather,
here’s the letter, you can post it as is if you like. I folded this letter into an envelope that had the name of some attorney on it. . . .a nice subtly that may have had an effect. So, I wrote this after going up to their door 3 separate times to politely explain the noise situation. Nothing changed, in fact it seemed to get worse. Anyway, things have been quiet since delivering this note.
Without further ado, here it is. Enjoy!
Dear Upstairs Neighbors,
First I’d like to say I appreciate what you’ve done to keep the noise level down. I can’t imagine it’s very easy. However, I feel that I may not have made my message clear, that is why I’m writing this letter. My entire apartment is basically below your kitchen and bathroom. Your kitchen floor is my ceiling.
I’m not talking about regular footfalls from normal walking, that I can hear and easily deal with. I’m referring to moments of thunderous vibrating pulses of sound from stomping and jumping that take place over my entire apartment.
To understand this, you have to know that your kitchen floor is the original flooring from the early 1900’s. No reinforcement, only very thin, old dry floor joists. That is why the walls and floor of my apartment explode with vibration when there is heavy walking, esp. with shoes.
Like I mentioned earlier, I can hear every step anyone makes upstairs above me, not a problem, but when there is heavy walking and pounding on the floor, plaster has literally fallen from the ceiling and objects on the shelves begin to shudder, similar to a small earthquake. No joke. The quality of living in this apartment has severely diminished. I’ve lived here for 4 years and have never experienced this before.
There is a clause in the lease that allows the tenant to enjoy the peaceful environment of their apartment and I have to tell you that has not been the case within the last two months! The last thing I want to do is bother or complain about excessive noises, but when it starts to effect my daily existence, sleep and general concentration, it’s time for all neighbors to be aware of it and concessions have to be made.
I have to tell you that there have been times when I actually feel trapped in my apartment, when the pounding and stomping begin to consume the air of my small space. I have no where else to go when this noise level ratchets up. I’m basically a prisoner in this pulsating box as I sit and wait until it slowly goes away..
Look, I pay my rent here, and help the landlady with odds and ends around the building to help maintain a safe, positive and peaceful environment in this building and apartment. So, while your kitchen floor (my ceiling) is only a thin separation between tenants, your living room floor however, is totally reinforced.
I helped to install the flooring in that front living room. Three quarter inch plywood laid over the original wood flooring plus insulation then carpet. That makes a huge difference. You could put on a Broadway show on that floor and not bother anyone.
I’m not asking for total silence, that’s ridiculous I understand. I’m asking for everyone who lives above me to be mindful of the impact they’re making on the kitchen floor. That’s all!!
One thing that would help is to consider taking shoes off when walking on the floor in the kitchen area. It’s a night and day difference for me.
Please understand my situation, I would appreciate anything that you can do to help out here. If not, I will be forced to take other initiatives.
Thank you,
Your neighbor
The Ring of Nibeldungen
Forged in the bowels of a miniature poodle named Turdrich, the mighty Ring of Nibeldungen is available for the taking at 158 Meserole Avenue.
Now all we need is for Bunghilde to step up to the plate and throw this item into Newton Creek; thus liberating Greenpoint from the tyranny of Odor and the ring of shit that binds us all. In the meantime, Siegfeces seems to be holding his own over on West Street.
Miss Heather
A novel approach to poop prevention
After living in Greenpoint for seven plus years I have become a connoisseur of crap. There’s as much of (sh)it to be found here as there are people who loathe it. The latter usually make their anti-shit sentiments known in the starkest imaginable terms. Threats of violence against those who choose not to ‘scoop the poop’ are commonplace here.
This is why today’s example of dog shit signage (from Meeker Avenue just off Kingsland) is remarkable: it makes no direct physical threats whatsoever. My man on Meeker took a much more subtle and cunning approach.
I have heard of hallowed ground. Stevie Wonder sang about reaching Higher Ground. But intoxicated ground?!? That’s only to be had in Greenpoint, kids!
We Greenpointers are a very robust and jocular lot. We envision the glass to be half-full versus half-empty. Since that very nasty (and very unremediated) oil spill ain’t going anywhere anytime soon, why not use it to deter another form of pollution?
Miss Heather
Dirty deeds dung dirt cheap
I found this turdy tableau on McGuinness Boulevard across the street from the new British Petroleum station today (after being cat-called by this asshole). Was this the product of a romance gone wrong or was the dog who discharged this pile of poo merely a misogynist? The world may never know.
Miss Heather
Ewwwwww!
I have been chasing dog crap for well over a year now. Consequently, I find myself constantly scouring the ground for new ‘treasure’. Even at home. Five minutes ago I became very grateful to have this odd but otherwise innocuous habit; as I was exiting my apartment I noticed someone (or something) had deposited puddle of phlegm (or gack) directly outside my front door.
Think twice before you click the above link. It’s friggin’ nasty.
Miss Heather
Cotes du Dookie
I found this, the Alistair Cooke of Crap, across the street from the Northside Piers yesterday. Being a bit of a oenophile, I was impressed with the selection of wine. It has been my experience that Clarets go nicely with just about everything— even crap.
Greenpointers usually wash their dog shit down with beer. Remy Martin seems to be a popular choice here as well. I suppose blue chip digs demand blue chip shit. Only the finest for our well-heeled neighbors to the south.
Miss Heather
The best dressed man in Greenpoint
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Meet Phillip.
This gentleman is a Greenpoint institution. Not only has he lived here longer than me, but he rocks some of the fiercest fashion in recorded history. He is too hot for Williamsburg to handle.
When I asked him about this, his latest ensemble, he coyly told me he simply hadn’t done laundry yet and this was all he had to wear. I strongly suspect otherwise. This junta-leader-meets-Elvis ensemble would take an average person hours to assemble. But then again, Phillip is not your average person: he is a genius.
Let’s all give a big ol’ Greenpoint salute to Phillip! Thank you for gracing our fine streets with your fine-ass self.
Miss Heather
What is it with public urination today?!?
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
This morning I started my day by savoring tales of Park Slope public urination courtesy of The Gowanus Lounge. I found them to be quite amusing. Enough so that I felt compelled to share my very own tale of tinkling in public:
I’ll never forget the time I saw a father direct his kid to piss on the closest tree he could find. This happened to be 31st Street, Astoria. ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON. What was really creepy was the man held the kid’s dick while he went. FOR FUCK’S SAKE— if the kid can STAND, I think he is more than capable of HOLDING HIS OWN WANG! What is it with these people?!?
After posting this delightful story I gave the subject of public-space-as-pissoir no more thought. Until 6:15 p.m. today when the following comment from Guiliacucina was submitted for my approval on New York Shitty. She writes:
Just thought I’d restore your faith in good old Greenpoint with this little gem: I was walking back to my building on Huron Street today at around 5:30 p.m. when I watched a woman hitch up her dress, pop a squat in the street in front of my place and pee in broad daylight in full view of several passersby. She was dressed like she was on her way to church. Marking her territory, perhaps? My phone had died or I would have sent photographic evidence…
This reminded me of (yet) another act of public urination I witnessed right here in Greenpoint. It was a sight so special it shouldn’t languish on a comment board. Here it is:
NICE. I too have seen an old Polish broad lift up her skirt and let ‘er rip. It was about 5 years ago on Manhattan Avenue. Right by a bus stop, no less.
Today the realization finally hit me: of all the times I have seen someone piss publicly in Greenpoint, the perpetrator has always been an adult, never a child. Then a knot formed in my stomach.
It’s still there.
Miss Heather
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