The Word On The Street: PROGRE$$

Many of you are probably not aware of this but after a business calls it quits it is required by law to paint over its sign. Such is this fine city of ours: if you can imagine it, there’s probably a law on the books pertaining to it. As you can see, gentle readers, some artistic license has been taken here by yours truly. Yes, this is my handiwork. I volunteered to do this for Steve Goldscholle. He is a friend of mine. You are probably thinking this sullen utterance of revolt garnered a great deal of attention and curiosity (being as it is located on Manhattan Avenue and all). It most certainly did. Without argument the most amusing was an agent from the real estate office across the street (which has a listing for this building, the asking price is $3,000,000) running over and imploring Steve to make me stop. He replied that he was simply obeying the law.

This one’s for you, Steve.

Now At 77 Box Street: WTF?

August 21, 2011 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

I suspect some of you have wondered, gentle readers, exactly what the deal is with the inexplicable bit of residential property (as seen above from the stairwell of the Pulaski bridge) perched atop this otherwise industrial building. I know I have.  So you can imagine my delight when today— at long last— I got an answer: it is a hotel!

More specifically: it is The Box House Hotel. After I stopped laughing I headed home without delay. I simply had to see this website for myself.

It is truly something to behold. Follows is my favorite passage for your edification and/or amusement:

Not a hotel in your traditional sense, but what we offer are gorgeous designer loft apartments available for rental, either weekly or monthly. Very private. Located in the Industrial chic area of North Greenpoint. Walking distance to the Vernon-Jackson 7 train ( 1 stop from Grand Central station) or The Greenpoint avenue G train.

I have lived in Greenpoint for over 11 years now. I honestly did not know this area (which is a used-condom’s toss from the Newtown Creek Waste Water Treatment Facility) constituted “chic”. Obviously I am way behind the times. Thus desiring to get caught up— and learn what constitutes “Industrial chic”— I pulled up a satellite map via Google. Follows are my findings/conclusions:

“Industrial chic” (as found in north Greenpoint, anyway) is any one/combination of the following:

  • McGuinness Boulevard
  • The Pulaski Bridge
  • A rather large DOT Facility
  • Continental Auto Parts
  • McGuinness Power Brake Service
  • Newtown Creek
  • Motiva and (albeit some ways down the road)
  • One very short block away from a 200 bed assessment center for homeless, single men.


View Larger Map

Who knew?!? I certainly didn’t! I suppose it goes without saying that such luxe environs (and accommodations) come at a price. Without further ado, here are the rates. Get your checkbooks ready!

Standard Suite 600sf 

  • Weekend (3 night/ Fri.-Sun.) $500
  • Week $800
  • Month $2500

City View Suite 650sf

  • Weekend (3 night/ Fri.-Sun.) $525
  • Week $875
  • Month $2800

Duplex Suite 800sf

  • Weekend (3 night/ Fri.-Sun.) $550
  • Week $925
  • Month $2950

Two Bedroom Suite

  • Per Night $225
  • Week $1500
  • Month $4950

Don’t believe me? Point and click your way to this establishment’s website and see for yourself! I’ll have a box of Kleenex ready when you’re done.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Lest you are wondering this arrangement is perfectly legal.

 

Crosstown Local Photos Du Jour: Fool’s Gold

March 4, 2009 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy People, Crosstown Local, Greenpoint Magic 

oro1

Initially the Mister couldn’t understand my fascination with this poster other than the fact it is really, truly, seriously, BAD product placement. Some watery tart doing yoga on the on the East River does not appeal to us Greenpointers. As a matter of fact we find the water here quite revolting. But I digress.

Who’s Cluck?

Mr. Heather asked. I pointed out the subtle commentary via ball point pen.

oro2

He got it.

theproblem

I wonder if either of the previous fellow G train travelers is aware that Dean Palin, the mastermind behind the Oro Condominiums, has been given the greenlight to build a 39 story tower on West Street? I don’t think so. Well, he has (courtesy of our local Community Board) and it’s ugly as hell.

Miss Heather

Word Of The Day: Nondo

December 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or Ray Of Blight: A Dear John Letter to Magic Johnson)

Curbed wrote:

…You know the Viridian? (the ugly Modernist monolith depicted above— Ed. Note.) The high profile luxe condo at 110 Green Street in Greenpoint? We got a tip that it was going rental. We resisted running it as a rumor, even though we fully suspected it was true. An immediate denial was not forthcoming. The Viridian is still on the Developers Group website, although it is at the very end, behind two other buildings that recently went rental. Today comes word from a spokesperson: “According to The Developers Group, it’s being considering to convert the building to rental, but it has not been confirmed.” That, friends, is a polite way of saying “nondo in the works,” but we have to work out the legalities and paperwork. The building will be 130 units. The first segment of the building is slated to open by the end of the year or early 2009. Phase II is slated for late spring and Phase III is due in Q3 2009. Listings had shown asking prices for 1BRs starting at $458,000, 2BRs at $639,000 and 3BRs at $825,000. A little more than a dozen units had sold.

Non-do, n. pl. nondominiums: a substandard housing complex of dwelling units erected with a heavy measure of speculative greed, a promise of urban renewal (and a celebrity’s smile) with the cheapest labor and materials available in the hopes that each unit will be purchased at above market value. When the economy (and abject stupidity with a down payment) fails they dump their cheap crap into the rental market. See: Greenpoint, Suckers; Dewey, Cheatem and Howe or The Cocoanuts.

Um, this doesn’t look like a standard brick and mortar job to me, Magic.

Perhaps it’s because it is transparent (as opposed to opaque). I suppose that’s what renters and your 13 suckers buyers (or to see the glass half full: %10 OCCUPANCY) should expect for their money. For what’s it worth, your lackeys removed the siding peeling off the first floor of your dump testament to progress. I for one am grateful for this, as a humble peon who has the pleasure of living on the block where your testament to progress DUMP is being erected; it made walking down the sidewalk challenging.

Your eager beavers are working day and night now (without impediment from the Department of Buildings who I am certain someone in your chain of command paid off nicely) but none have seen fit to get rid of the vandalism. Including the bit of graffiti on the pillar next your building’s front door. You might want to look into that; it’s a turn-off to virtual golf-goers and roof-top cabana enthusiasts. And for the record I can state unequivocally that there has never been as much graffiti (or GARBAGE) on this block since you and yours saw fit to raze a fair chunk of it. Thank you for making Green Street less beautiful (or more ugly) place, Magic.

That’s not to suggest we didn’t have our good times: I got many a chuckle when workers from your site patronized my place of employment. A junk shop. Who doesn’t want to buy some porn (DVD only— urination, scat vids, much less Blackeyed Pees were unacceptable– only “fucky fucky”), stereo equipment or the odd saw (power strip, ruler, etc.) on his lunch hour? Especially when the scabs free market capitalists you hired are expected to provide their own tools? I was more than happy to assist them.

In my free time I have been verbally abused by your workers. Hissing and kissing noises mostly. Occasionally a chap would grab his nuts (to remind me I have none): a thankful reminder that I have no little head to overrule my “big head”. You’re a class operation, Viridian. I can hardly wait for phase 3, Magic.

Just like syphilis, your project is the gift that keeps on giving!

Miss Heather

‘Tis The Season: Styrofoam Dreams

December 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

It would appear that erecting a manger is so prohibitively expensive in Greenpoint nowadays it necessitates selling air rights for high rises. I wonder if former city councilman, failed pretender to the Brooklyn Boro Presidency, Libertarian, despoiler of north Brooklyn and all-round real estate whiz lobbyist, Ken Fisher, is behind this arrangement? If it worked for Ismael Leyva, surely we can spare a little FAR Jesus of Nazareth!

Miss Heather

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