‘Tis The Season: Of Hanukkah & Dental Health

December 11, 2008 ·
Filed under: Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

‘Tis The Season: We Have The Biggest Balls Of All!

December 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Thought Of The Day

December 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

If the purpose of this campaign is to entice the reader with a $10 rebate after spending $100 on rapid transit, why is the man gracing said advert riding in a cab? Just a thought.

Miss Heather

P.S.: This post goes out to Dale for bringing this discrepancy to my attention.

‘Tis The Season: Styrofoam Dreams

December 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Greenpoint Magic 

It would appear that erecting a manger is so prohibitively expensive in Greenpoint nowadays it necessitates selling air rights for high rises. I wonder if former city councilman, failed pretender to the Brooklyn Boro Presidency, Libertarian, despoiler of north Brooklyn and all-round real estate whiz lobbyist, Ken Fisher, is behind this arrangement? If it worked for Ismael Leyva, surely we can spare a little FAR Jesus of Nazareth!

Miss Heather

Thought Of The Day: Waiting For The B61

December 4, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Sharpie markers should come with spell check— or a breathalyzer test— preferably both.

Miss Heather

Note: the above missive originally read as follows

I am affraid to admit that I fucked up. SO? DRoid

Public Service Announcement

December 4, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

The Salvation Army on Manhattan Avenue is sporting quite a noteworthy assortment of holiday decor today. Best to get down there while supplies last!

Miss Heather

‘Tis The Season: The Garden

December 3, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Now that the Mister has been kind enough to relinquish the computer (he was home sick today) I will hit you up with today’s bit of holiday cheer from The Garden.

But if you want to see the real action, go inside. Alex writes:

i walked into the garden today for lunch and saw this holiday decoration getup… if you haven’t seen in person, i strongly recommend you stop by…however, since i get all my gp news from you, i am guessing that i am no.78 in sending you this hot tip.

Actually he was the first. Although I am fairly certain this decor was used last year it doesn’t make it any less disturbing. If you harbor an irrational fear of elves, gnomes, dwarves, little people in general or are on psychotropic drugs, DO NOT click the above link.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Gentrification Watch: We Have Arrived (AGAIN)!

December 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Driggs Avenue.

I have long tangled with the question as to what constitutes “gentrification”. The above flier (from Manhattan Avenue between Nassau and Driggs Avenue) has provided me with an answer: the presence of CERTIFIED LACTATION CONSULTANTS.

Congratulations Greenpoint! You’re looking (if not smelling) more like Park Slope with each and every passing day!

Miss Heather

P.S.: I am totally making a t-shirt for the Mister emblazoned with the phrase “Lactation Expert”. This is because to some degree he is: Mr. Heather is an expert at treating mastitis in cows. Just ask him. He was kind enough to forward me this link on the subject. Here are a few highlights:

Milking Tips From the NMC

Attitude Makes A Difference
Proper milking procedures and a positive attitude are required to minimize mastitis and maximize quality production from a milking herd. Milking should be done by responsible and conscientious persons. Good management dictates that the person milking must be constantly alert to conditions that may spread mastitis organisms from cow to cow. Correcting such conditions assists the production of high quality milk from healthier udders.

Provide a Stress Free Environment
A consistent operating routine for bringing cows and milking machines together is essential. Cows that are frightened or excited before milking may not let their milk down in spite of an effective preparation routine. Hormones are released into the bloodstream during periods of stress. These hormones interfere with normal milking procedure and the animal’s resistance to disease, including mastitis. A milking environment that routinely causes stress to cows may predispose cows to a greater rate of mastitis infection.

Clip Udders For Cleanliness
Well clipped udders reduce the amount of dirt and manure that can contaminate milk. Udders with long hair are difficult to clean and dry. Milking wet and/or dirty teats increases the risk of high bacteria counts in the milk and increases the rate of new cases of mastitis.

Check Foremilk and Udder For Mastitis
Presence of mastitis can be detected by using the hand to physically examine the udder for swelling, heat, and/or “knots”, and by using a strip cup or plate to examine foremilk of each quarter of each cow prior to every milking. Correct use of the strip cup can be a valuable aid in detecting symptoms of mastitis such as clotty, stringy, or watery milk. Milk should never be stripped into the hand. This routine spreads mastitis organisms from teat to teat and cow to cow. Forestripping may aid in preventing new infections by flushing mastitis organisms from inside the teat.

Good Massage Increases Production
When teats and the lower part of the udder are massaged, a signal is sent to the brain which secretes the milk letdown hormone, oxytocin, into the blood stream. The hormone is then carried to the udder where it acts on muscle cells to “squeeze” milk out of the milk-secreting tissue. Massage of all teats is better than massage of only one or two teats and physically squeezing each teat will reduce the amount of milk left in the udder at the end of milking. Large amounts of milk left in the udder increase frequency of clinical mastitis in infected quarters.

Life In Dangertown

December 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

On Thanksgiving Day of this year I wrote:

What constituted “Dangertown” here in 11222, you ask? I’m saving that for an extra juicy post!

Well, that time has come.

Although the above image did not accompany the following article from the July 18, 1886 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle I felt it illustrated perfectly the grinding poverty that was once commonplace in the fair burgh we call home. Believe it or not this see-saw was considered plush by contemporary accounts. Greenpoint at the turn of the century was rife with crime, filth and gangs with colorful noms de guerre such as the “Dangertown Slobs”, “Jolly Four”, “Sons of Rest” and the “Undertakers”. The latter most moniker is my personal favorite, as the members purportedly called themselves as such because they completed everything they undertook —but make no mistake about it: the young Republican’s Glee Club these gentlemen most decidedly were NOT.

Two things haven’t changed over the last 124 years in Greenpoint; the watering holes are still quite plentiful and there’s plenty of hideous architecture to go around.* You can read the rest of this article about “Dangertown” (and its numerous shenanigans) by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*Karl Fischer

Tis The Season: Kicking It Off!

December 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Queens 

It’s already beginning to look a lot like Christmas in and around the Garden Spot of the Universe. To this end I have decided to kick off my (hopefully) daily revue of Yuletide goodness from Greenpoint and beyond in grand style. In addition to featuring Christmas decor which graces homes I have decided to throw in some choice decorations from retail establishments. My reasons for doing so will become all too apparent later in this post. Enjoy!

This, my favorite Greenpoint feline from Kent Street, senses holiday spirit in the air!

Ever since this pharmacy (on Manhattan Avenue) featured a replica of the Empire State Building made of Fleet enema boxes back in 2002 I am always eager to see what they whip up.

While a bit of a disappointment (I mean, how could one honestly expect to top an edifice made of implements used to irrigate certain orifice?) this juxtaposition does have a certain charm.

However, if you want to get your sensuous Santa on make your way to the 7 train without delay and head over to Jackson Heights.

Why not get things started with a few naughty MAD LIBS underneath the mistletoe? As you can see it is a best seller at this Duane Reade (located at 73-01 37th Avenue). Need stocking stuffers? No worries. Roosevelt Avenue has ’em!

Who wouldn’t be delighted to receive this lovely work of art on Christmas Day (or at the office party)? I know I would! Of course such occasions demand proper apparel.

I don’t think I would want this chap coming down my chimney. What in god’s name has he stuffed in his pants? A bear claw?

HO! HO! HO!

What does this naughty little Santa’s helper hang on her bush, you ask?

Cock rings, anal beads and Spanish fly! DUH.

So you’ve got your Mad Libs, stripper sculpture (and/or other life style accessories), you and yours are dressed up and the Christmas tree is festooned with anal beads of many colors. You’re pimped up and ready to ho down. Now what?

The wine, of course. Yes, this bottle says exactly what you think it does.

Quite a bit(ch), as a matter of fact.

This libation can be found right here in Greenpoint at none other than Dandy Wine.

Home of Greenpoint’s foremost bitch: Miss Bonita.

Dandy Wine
153 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

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