Greenpoint Gentrification Watch: We Have Arrived (AGAIN)!

December 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

From Driggs Avenue.

I have long tangled with the question as to what constitutes “gentrification”. The above flier (from Manhattan Avenue between Nassau and Driggs Avenue) has provided me with an answer: the presence of CERTIFIED LACTATION CONSULTANTS.

Congratulations Greenpoint! You’re looking (if not smelling) more like Park Slope with each and every passing day!

Miss Heather

P.S.: I am totally making a t-shirt for the Mister emblazoned with the phrase “Lactation Expert”. This is because to some degree he is: Mr. Heather is an expert at treating mastitis in cows. Just ask him. He was kind enough to forward me this link on the subject. Here are a few highlights:

Milking Tips From the NMC

Attitude Makes A Difference
Proper milking procedures and a positive attitude are required to minimize mastitis and maximize quality production from a milking herd. Milking should be done by responsible and conscientious persons. Good management dictates that the person milking must be constantly alert to conditions that may spread mastitis organisms from cow to cow. Correcting such conditions assists the production of high quality milk from healthier udders.

Provide a Stress Free Environment
A consistent operating routine for bringing cows and milking machines together is essential. Cows that are frightened or excited before milking may not let their milk down in spite of an effective preparation routine. Hormones are released into the bloodstream during periods of stress. These hormones interfere with normal milking procedure and the animal’s resistance to disease, including mastitis. A milking environment that routinely causes stress to cows may predispose cows to a greater rate of mastitis infection.

Clip Udders For Cleanliness
Well clipped udders reduce the amount of dirt and manure that can contaminate milk. Udders with long hair are difficult to clean and dry. Milking wet and/or dirty teats increases the risk of high bacteria counts in the milk and increases the rate of new cases of mastitis.

Check Foremilk and Udder For Mastitis
Presence of mastitis can be detected by using the hand to physically examine the udder for swelling, heat, and/or “knots”, and by using a strip cup or plate to examine foremilk of each quarter of each cow prior to every milking. Correct use of the strip cup can be a valuable aid in detecting symptoms of mastitis such as clotty, stringy, or watery milk. Milk should never be stripped into the hand. This routine spreads mastitis organisms from teat to teat and cow to cow. Forestripping may aid in preventing new infections by flushing mastitis organisms from inside the teat.

Good Massage Increases Production
When teats and the lower part of the udder are massaged, a signal is sent to the brain which secretes the milk letdown hormone, oxytocin, into the blood stream. The hormone is then carried to the udder where it acts on muscle cells to “squeeze” milk out of the milk-secreting tissue. Massage of all teats is better than massage of only one or two teats and physically squeezing each teat will reduce the amount of milk left in the udder at the end of milking. Large amounts of milk left in the udder increase frequency of clinical mastitis in infected quarters.

Life In Dangertown

December 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

On Thanksgiving Day of this year I wrote:

What constituted “Dangertown” here in 11222, you ask? I’m saving that for an extra juicy post!

Well, that time has come.

Although the above image did not accompany the following article from the July 18, 1886 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle I felt it illustrated perfectly the grinding poverty that was once commonplace in the fair burgh we call home. Believe it or not this see-saw was considered plush by contemporary accounts. Greenpoint at the turn of the century was rife with crime, filth and gangs with colorful noms de guerre such as the “Dangertown Slobs”, “Jolly Four”, “Sons of Rest” and the “Undertakers”. The latter most moniker is my personal favorite, as the members purportedly called themselves as such because they completed everything they undertook —but make no mistake about it: the young Republican’s Glee Club these gentlemen most decidedly were NOT.

Two things haven’t changed over the last 124 years in Greenpoint; the watering holes are still quite plentiful and there’s plenty of hideous architecture to go around.* You can read the rest of this article about “Dangertown” (and its numerous shenanigans) by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*Karl Fischer

Tis The Season: Kicking It Off!

December 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Queens 

It’s already beginning to look a lot like Christmas in and around the Garden Spot of the Universe. To this end I have decided to kick off my (hopefully) daily revue of Yuletide goodness from Greenpoint and beyond in grand style. In addition to featuring Christmas decor which graces homes I have decided to throw in some choice decorations from retail establishments. My reasons for doing so will become all too apparent later in this post. Enjoy!

This, my favorite Greenpoint feline from Kent Street, senses holiday spirit in the air!

Ever since this pharmacy (on Manhattan Avenue) featured a replica of the Empire State Building made of Fleet enema boxes back in 2002 I am always eager to see what they whip up.

While a bit of a disappointment (I mean, how could one honestly expect to top an edifice made of implements used to irrigate certain orifice?) this juxtaposition does have a certain charm.

However, if you want to get your sensuous Santa on make your way to the 7 train without delay and head over to Jackson Heights.

Why not get things started with a few naughty MAD LIBS underneath the mistletoe? As you can see it is a best seller at this Duane Reade (located at 73-01 37th Avenue). Need stocking stuffers? No worries. Roosevelt Avenue has ’em!

Who wouldn’t be delighted to receive this lovely work of art on Christmas Day (or at the office party)? I know I would! Of course such occasions demand proper apparel.

I don’t think I would want this chap coming down my chimney. What in god’s name has he stuffed in his pants? A bear claw?

HO! HO! HO!

What does this naughty little Santa’s helper hang on her bush, you ask?

Cock rings, anal beads and Spanish fly! DUH.

So you’ve got your Mad Libs, stripper sculpture (and/or other life style accessories), you and yours are dressed up and the Christmas tree is festooned with anal beads of many colors. You’re pimped up and ready to ho down. Now what?

The wine, of course. Yes, this bottle says exactly what you think it does.

Quite a bit(ch), as a matter of fact.

This libation can be found right here in Greenpoint at none other than Dandy Wine.

Home of Greenpoint’s foremost bitch: Miss Bonita.

Dandy Wine
153 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Video Du Jour: Leftovers

November 30, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

This weekend George Diaz (of Latino Laughter renown) was kind enough to share a anecdote from his childhood with me. Those of you who have the pleasure of making George’s acquaintance probably know his tales are rarely of the Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm variety. The story I heard this Friday was no exception: it was about how a cockroach managed to crawl into his ear as a child and he had to go to a doctor to get it removed. The doctor not only extracted this critter with a pair of tweezers but also went to the trouble of stomping on it so George and his mother could see all the blood it had consumed.

As you can probably imagine the previous was not something I wanted to hear about while eating a taco. Noting my disgust George apologized. Nonetheless, for the past 48 hours I have been unable purge the previous imagery from my mind. It is now and (probably) forever seared into my memory. What’s more, it’s pretty damned gross. Probably more disgusting (although not by much) as this little bit of footage from Manhattan Avenue today. Enjoy! Bon apetit!

It would appear that we humans are not the only ones deluged with holiday leftovers.

Is it just me or is it sort of disturbing that this pigeon is (more or less) eating one of its own kind?

Miss Heather

Get Your Hanukkah On: Greenpoint Style

November 30, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

When one reads about a temporary worker being trampled to death by a horde of eager Walmart goers it is easy enough to forget that this is upcoming holiday season isn’t just about pommeling total strangers for a widescreen television to place under the Christmas tree. It is also the time many of us drink ourselves silly and our fellow friends of the book celebrate Hanukkah. For those of you who are among the latter and plan to engage in the previous (humanity may differ in their mode of worship but we all have one thing in common: one can only handle so much “family togetherness”) the following items might be of interest. Enjoy!

Oenophiles will undoubtedly find this item of interest: a menorah cork. Simply put, you place the cork in a wine or “any other sturdy bottle” and you’re good to go! This item can be found at none other than Fred Flare.

Fred Flare
131 Meserole Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

You can also order this item online by clicking here.

Let’s suppose for a moment that the previous item is a little too labor intensive for your taste. Procuring a wine/malt liquor/other bottle and affixing the “menorah cork” to it in the prescribed manner takes up too much of your valuable time. You want your booze and menorah in one convenient package. If so, I have some very good news.

The above item is available at T & N Wine And Liquor. I have been told it is brandy from either Armenia or Georgia. No word on whether or not it is any good. But as the Mister always says:

If it doesn’t make you blind you can always use it for paint thinner.

T & N Wine And Liquor
893 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

If anyone tries this product by all means share your review. My curiosity is killing me (but not enough so as to offer myself as a guinea pig).

Miss Heather

Williamspoint Photos du Jour: A Splash Of Color For Black Friday

November 28, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

From Ainslie Street.

From Manhattan Avenue.

Miss Heather

Ah, Greenpoint!

November 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Earlier today I made a rather fascinating discovery; when you run the search terms “drunk” and “Greenpoint” some mighty interesting things pop up on YouTube. The following are three of my more “choice” finds. Enjoy!

You know, inasmuch as people are angry at the prospect of doling out $2.50 to ride our fine city’s subways and buses I really do not mind. With “in flight” entertainment like this dude I have no qualms whatsoever with ponying up an extra fifty cents. As a matter of fact I consider money well spent.

Miss Heather

Halloween In Greenpoint

November 1, 2008 ·
Filed under: 11222, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic 

Yesterday I had the pleasure dispensing fistfuls of teeth-rotting goodness to children of all ages at the junk shop. The zeal with which I took to executing this task seemed to surprise Larry da Junkman:

That’s really cute.

Me: What?
Larry: You handing out candy. You really like doing this, don’t you?
Me: Of course I do. It’s HALLOWEEN!

Who couldn’t enjoy giving the gift of refined sugar to a Jedi master as sweet as this one?

I like to call this guy “Chicken Little”.

This little Lion King’s make-up got a little discombobulated in transit.

No worries, mom repainted his whiskers and he was good as new! A curious dialog came to pass when I asked this little guy’s parents if I could take his picture.

Father: Are you going to put this online?
Me: Maybe. Probably on flickr.
Father: Do you have a web site?
Me: Yes.
Mother: Is it New York Shitty?
Me: Well actually it is.
Mother: You’re the lady who takes all the pictures!
Me: Whew! I was expecting you to say something a lot worse!

The above two photographs do not do this little fella justice. He was heart-wrenchingly adorable! But Halloween is not just about cherubic faced young ‘uns.

As you can see the guys at Papacitos* got into the Halloween spirit! The above gentleman gyrated for a good 20-30 seconds while exclaiming:

Can you see my junk?

I told him “yes” and gave him a lollipop. Very few things have the power to truly shock me anymore; this is because I was once a civil servant. That said, bipeds were not the only creatures wearing costumes today.

This poodle sported her finest fettle for the occasion.

And I even made the acquaintance of a pirate pup!

As I was handing out candy a woman I know, a bona fide Greenpoint old-timer, pulled me aside and said:

You realize a lot of these people (I was giving candy to) do not live here.

I had honestly not given the matter any thought. This is probably because I do not care.

Halloween is about dressing up, flauting the drudgery and conventions of everyday life and having fun. It is very much a collective experience  —not unlike Christmas or New Year’s Eve. It is— in its strange way— about sharing. I am not going to ask for proof of residency before doling out lollipops or Hershey’s Kisses to children. There was more than enough confectioneries and fun to go around. For everyone.**

I suppose this makes me a candy-giving Commie —or a lollipop pimping populist.

Make that a newly zombified lollipop pandering populist —or carnivorous Commie!

BRAINS!!!

Miss “Living Undead” Heather

P.S.: You can see more pix of Halloween on Manhattan Avenue by clicking here.

*Who have made themselves near and dear to my heart by serving up vegan breakfast tacos. Thanks guys!

**Save a CONSTRUCTION WORKER from (where else?) the Viridian who snatched a lollipop from my tray without asking and then proceeded to laugh about it with his cronies (one of whom said “Hey lady, can I suck on a lollipop?”). This chap, dear readers, was a certifiable grade “A” ASSHOLE. The least this man could have done is ASKED FIRST —but I suppose he felt “entitled” to it. Clearly he was not taught good manners like the following child (I gave a heaping helping of candy to today):

Child #1 (after I gave him a fistful of candy): I want a Hershey’s Kiss.
Child #2: You shouldn’t tell people what you want. It’s not very nice.
Miss Heather (to child #2): You my friend have very good manners. For this reason you are getting a Hershey’s kiss.

Kindness and civility go a long way folks. Or at the very least you can show me your “junk” when pandering for junk food. Grabbing shit off my candy tray is just plain RUDE.

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